Ah, weddings.
Sometimes they're a beautiful, magical day that the bride and groom will remember and treasure for the rest of their lives.
And sometimes, they're....
A recent bride turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after plans for her big day turned into a power struggle between her, her mother, her sister, and her estranged father.
Dramatic-Bet-2842 asked:
"AITA for sticking to the original deal my mom and I made about my dad attending my wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (35, female) recently married my husband (37, male). My mom (60, female) wanted to completely fund our wedding because she was excited I was finally getting married and loved my fiancé. I’ve known my mom to be manipulative my entire life."
"We accepted her offer under one explicit condition: she would not bring my dad (71, male), her husband, to the wedding. I don’t have a relationship with my dad, but that’s a long story."
"My mom agreed to everything we wanted, but her arrangement was that we would sign all the vendor contracts and pay them, then she would reimburse us. Once our names were on the contracts and most vendors were booked, she started trying to force me to invite my dad."
"She tried everything, including getting family members to tell me I was being unreasonable and calling me on my 34th birthday to say she would no longer come to the wedding or fund it unless I invited him. Eventually, my fiancé had to intervene and remind her that we had a deal."
"She respects him, so she backed off and agreed again. The problem was that her payments were inconsistent. She’d give us $1K here and there, while wedding payments were coming due."
"I asked if everything would be paid before the wedding, and she said she’d pay when she could. We didn’t have a real budget from her, but I knew she had the money."
"A few months before the wedding, I finally told her she could bring my dad IF she paid everything by the wedding day, but he could not attend any activities before the wedding at 5:30. She agreed."
"It became very 'Gilmore Girls': we had to call her every day to check in, but she was being nice and would give us chunks of $5–$10K when payments were due."
"I knew she’d try something at the last minute, so I warned our photographer. On the wedding day, we were getting ready in the bridal suite with my five bridesmaids, hair and makeup, three photographers and two videographers."
"My mom suddenly said she wouldn’t go to family photos afterward unless she could bring my dad."
"I reminded her of our deal. She said she had 'misunderstood.' I called my mother-in-law in to try to talk her into coming. My mom stonewalled and my sister maid-of-honor (MOH), who we aren’t close with either, backed her up, and they left together."
"They said they would show up when my dad did. I later learned my dad had positioned himself directly in front of the door as a guest greeter so he could appear front and center, which is part of why I didn’t want him there in the first place."
"Everyone in the bridal suite was shocked, but I kept my cool. I ended up with no photos with my mom or sister, barely interacted with them during the wedding, and we haven’t spoken since."
"AITA for sticking to the deal my mom and I made?"
OP later added to answer recurring questions:
"I explicitly wanted my sister and mom in the photos. They were the ones who said they wouldn’t do it after all if my dad didn’t join (which went against the agreement between my mom and I had in advance)."
"More context is that she did attend the rehearsal dinner without him the night before (no cameras there) and there was no fuss. It was when the cameras came out the day after that she started shenanigans because she knew I wanted photos with her and my sister. She used it as leverage."
"Most photographers and videographers have second shooters, and in our case, our photog chose to add a third because she got injured and had limited mobility, which she did not want to affect her work product to clients."
"Really wanted to have an opportunity to get closer with my sis through the experience of her being a MOH. She seemed to want that too until she didn’t…"
"Unless you’ve had a narcissistic parent, it can be hard to understand how difficult that cycle is to climb out of. I’m never going to accept a penny from her again, but her calling me every day to be excited about wedding things together blindsided me. I did want that closeness."
"Mom got almost everything she wanted out of the deal. She offered to pay. She does well for herself financially and loves the optics of going all out for parties. She invited a bunch of family/friends she wanted to spend time with."
"Had no issues with that part. Just one person I said no to and she said okay fine. She also went to the rehearsal dinner the night before without him and made no fuss."
"Assumptions that both of my parents were paying, but one could attend are incorrect. Mom is manipulative about money, remember? Only she was paying from her own pocket."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was ultimately not the a**hole (NTA), but many took OP to task for ever accepting their mother's offer and adding their sister to the wedding party.
"NTA but you've been a bit dumb. You know your mom is manipulative and you keep falling for it. Time for therapy." ~ LunaHoopla
"Exactly! If your mom is the way she is, why even give her that power? I would have eloped before I let my mother manipulate my wedding experience.
"OP said she's not close with her sister, but yet she was the maid-of-honor. This wedding was doomed for the start."
"You wanted great pics when your relationship is sh*t! Forget the pics, it sounds like she shouldn't have been there in the first place."
"NTA for this but you're responsible for letting money make bad choices for you. Sounds like greed got the best of you. A small wedding you and your fiancé could afford would have been the better thing to do." ~ One-Writer-4376
"So now instead of being able to remember her wedding day with joy, she gets to remember all of this family drama instead." ~ Effective-Dog-6201
"The fact mom, who said she'd pay for everything, made OP sign the contracts should've been clue number 2. At this point, mom and sister going no contact with her is for the best since she can't enforce any type of boundary."
"Also, if she isn't close to her sister, why did she make her the maid-of-honor? OP went out of her way to be miserable on her big day." ~ lankyturtle229
"She just wanted the cash because she wanted a grand wedding at no cost to herself. She herself said she knew what she signed up for."
"She could have chosen to just elope and avoided all that drama, but, you know...bling bling wedding is more important... You get what you pay for. The memories of her wedding will forever be tainted." ~ raffles79
"Agreed. Money from manipulative family members comes at too expensive a price." ~ SophisticatedScreams
"I had an epiphany one day that once you know who someone is by the behavior they have repeatedly shown you, that you are no longer a victim but a volunteer. Therefore I could not blame anyone but myself when my mom did exactly what she always did."
"For another few years, I even tried to have a relationship knowing I was 'volunteering' for her manipulation and abuse before I finally went no contact. Tough lesson to get in my head, because I kept thinking 'it shouldn’t be this way'."
"But it was and I had the power to decide to not participate. It’s sad but true. I am not always happy with the situation, but I am at peace. ~ karzad
"NTA, but you’ve really got to learn to hedge your bets. She had too much wiggle room. Honestly, with her being so manipulative not sure why you even keep contact." ~ tango421
"Your subject heading is incorrect: you didn't stick to the original deal, which explicitly excluded your father from the wedding. You waffled and paid the consequences."
"'Her arrangement was that we would sign all the vendor contracts and pay them, then she would reimburse us': not wise of you, if you really wanted to keep your father out."
"I hope all this drama was a worthwhile price to pay for a wedding you couldn't afford." ~ ReadMeDrMemory
"You’re a 35-year-old woman who let her manipulative mommy pay for her wedding. You aren’t a victim, you chose to play the game." ~ danmtypos
It's lesson learned, again, for OP.
When someone repeatedly shows you who they are, why don't you believe them?
