There are family fights people can get over. But, finding out that your 15 year old daughter is not actually your daughter because your ex cheated on you. And then losing said daughter because she doesn’t consider you “her dad” is not one of those.
Redditor herweddingday_ encountered this very issue with his estranged daughter. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for refusing to walk my daughter down the aisle?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter (26f) and I haven’t spoken in years.”
“When she was 15 we found out she wasn’t my biological daughter and my wife had cheated on me years ago with a friend. As it turns out this so called ‘friend’ was suddenly interested in playing dad.”
“My wife and I divorced, my daughter learned the truth and I told her I still loved her no matter what. Of course she was interested now in getting to know her biological father and while it hurt I tried to accept that.”
“She started pulling away from me after that. Even when trying to still do things together as a family she was no longer interested.”
“The last straw was when she was 20 and living at my house. We were arguing because she’d dropped from her college courses, hasn’t done anything for 3 months and mad because I told her she either needed to go to school or work if she wants to stay here for free.”
“She told me I’m not her real dad so stop pretending like I am and she’ll just go stay with her real father.”
OP was heartbroken.
“That broke me honestly.”
“But I told her if that’s how she really feels then there’s really nothing left to say between us. And she did move out to go live with him.”
“I was depressed for a very long time, drank so much. My son (24m) was my only reason to keep moving forward.”
“For the first couple years I reached out to my daughter. She wanted no contact, I learned to accept that and move on. It helped me find more peace in my life.”
“My son stopped talking to her for a while over this and was angry with her.”
“They still chat sometimes, which doesn’t bother me at all. Through him I learned her biological father died in October 2019. Also that she’s engaged.”
“She reached out to me, first that she knows that ‘we haven’t talked in a while’ but wants to ask me if I’d be willing to walk her down the aisle.”
OP was confused about this.
“After a pretty long message about how much she hurt me in the past with her actions, I told her no. She didn’t want me to be her father anymore so I learned to no longer view her as my daughter.”
“This turned into a fight between us because according to her it’s not her fault she wanted to know her real dad. And I agreed with her it’s not, but what was her fault was how she treated me ever since.”
“In my mind I know if he hadn’t passed we wouldn’t even be speaking right now. It ended with telling her I hope she enjoys her wedding but I want no part of it or her life.”
“My son told me she’s ranting to my family that I’m ruining her day and she thought parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally. My brothers seem to think now that I am being an asshole and this is my chance to be in her life again. But I have no interest in that.”
“Still seems everyone has a strong opinion on it that I’m making it difficult for my daughter to have the wedding she wants when it would mean a lot to her.”
“My son is on my side but the comments are still wearing me down and just for the sake of my sanity, am I being an a**hole?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was the a**hole.
“NTA. She decided that you’re not her father in any capacity. You’ve respected that. Now that the other guy is dead, she doesn’t get to change the rules. She doesn’t want you, she wants someone to play a part. Maybe your son can be the one to give her away instead.” ~ ClothDiaperAddicts
“Or she can walk alone or do what I did after my dad passed away, I walked half way down. My husband walked half way up and we walked the rest of the aisle together. There was no reason for a replacement I was an adult and self supporting.” ~ JuryNo7670
“You gave her away when she abandoned you years ago.” ~ CoderJoe1
“No, she gave him away and broke his heart. She was an adult when she left him.” ~ dobber1965
“She can have her mom do it. My SO lost her father when she was young due to a disease. She’s having her mom walk her down the aisle. It doesn’t have to be your father. Just someone important in your life which she deemed you weren’t when she cut contact.”
“You’re not ruining her day by saying no. She is by making this a much bigger issue than it needed to be.” ~ RamenNoodles620
“Doesn’t have to be anyone. a bride can legit walk down by herself.”
“I have a friend with a living father, stepfather and 4 uncles. She walked alone. one of her uncles asked what the heck she was thinking saying she was going to walk alone and her reply was something to the effect that this isn’t the dark ages where she belongs to her father until he hands her over to her husband so she doesn’t need an escort. And her dad had no problem with that.” ~ Annual-Contract-115
“You’re ‘ruining her day?’ I’m sorry for the way you’ve been treated despite doing your best for her. You sound like a good person and definitely NTA” ~ justanotherperson89
“That’s the thing I don’t get about this. She’s not even pretending she wants a relationship, she’s being so transparent about needing a prop for a show. If she’d gotten in touch about restarting a relationship and met with him for a few coffees and catch-ups and shown a genuine interest in OP before asking it may have been a different response. She can’t even use people in a semi-competent way.” ~ PhDOH
OP’s daughter should work on their relationship before asking for a favor.