Dealing with someone saying bad things when they're intoxicated is a difficult situation. They can apologize profusely and say they didn't mean it, but you'll be left wondering if that's what they really think.
At her cousin's bachelorette party, Redditor fae233 got into a fight with the bride to-be. The original poster (OP)'s cousin got drunk and said some hurtful things to her.
OP insulted her cousin back, causing a rift. Now she isn't sure if she should just forgive and forget or if she was right in her anger. She takes her story to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to figure it out.
She asks the board to judge her for what she did.
"AITA for calling my cousin a b*tch after she jokingly said I sucked d*ck for a living?"
Why in the world would her cousin say that?
"My cousin is getting married soon. For her bachelorette, we took a 5-day trip to France. I hadn't met most of the people prior to the trip."
"One of the other girls asked me what I did for a living and before I could answer, my cousin told her I sucked d*ck for a living. My cousin was drunk and she started giggling."
"I was upset and embarrassed but I didn't want to make things even more awkward than they already were so I just explained I used to work in tech but I was currently a SAHM."
"My cousin then proceeded to tell everyone how easy I had it and she would love to switch places and get everything handed to her for sucking only one, not even ugly, d*ck. I was really angry by this point and called her a b*tch and went back to the hotel even though she kept begging me not to."
"The next day she tried to apologise and I told her again she was such a b*tch. She got upset with me and told me she was drunk and I knew she had a dark humour and she didn't mean anything by it."
"She also told me she was complimenting me in her way and I didn't need to keep calling her a b*tch."
"AITA?" OP isn't sure if she was wrong to double down on insulting her cousin, but her cousin's words were rude. Who is in the wrong here?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for calling her cousin out after she made a drunk insult by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board easily agreed that OP was justified in her actions. While her cousin may have said her insult while drunk, she didn't act very remorseful upon getting sober.
OP's own insults were very basic, but seemed to communicate her feelings on the matter.
And if the cousin wanted to apologize, maybe justifying it by saying she had a "dark humor" wasn't the best option.
"NTA. Being drunk is no excuse. It just releases some inhibitions so she told you what she really thought."
"I would rethink going to the wedding. Who knows what she would say about you there?" - patjames904
"I became a sahm in 2020 due to pandemic related childcare issues. It was never part of my plan but there wasn't much choice so I did what I had to do."
"I was shocked by how many people seem to have deep contempt for Sahms. People I had known professionally and personally for years suddenly had no problem blatantly talking down to me."
"Low IQ, golddigger, taking advantage of my husband (I'm the one who sacrificed here. If anything he owes me) I heard it all. Cousin definitely thinks this way." - LastCheesemas
"NTA"
"She was being extremely rude, drunk or not. Actions have consequences. Words have impact."
"Her trying to spin it as a compliment is a bit bizarre. Except the fact that she in a weird way called your husband handsome? (good for you by the way haha)."
"At the end of the day you being upset is justified."
"Also you were complimenting her as well by calling her a female dog." - thepepsyy
"NTA. Being drunk doesn't make you a different person and it doesn't excuse bad behavior. If you have a problem with behavior like this when you drink, then you need to stop drinking!"
"What your cousin needs to understand is that she hurt you deeply. Yes, she apologized, but you are not necessarily obliged to accept it."
"If she had truly meant the apology, she would have accepted your feelings and tried to make amends, as opposed to getting upset with you."
"Also, under no situation is what she said complementing you 'in her way.'" - bamf1701
"NTA, she was most definitely being a b*tch. Even beyond what she actually said to you, she also seems to be under the delusion that SAHMs have some sort of easy life or ever get to do anything fun lol."
"I was MUCH less stressed when I worked outside the house 50 hours a week, because when I was home I was done. There is no done when you're a mom of littles." - Sweet_Caterpillar150
A number of comments discussed the cousin's insult as it relates to sex work. It conflates both parenting and sex work, undervaluing both.
And each are important facets of human life.
"NTA."
"Saying you suck d*ck for a living makes you sound like a sex worker."
"The job of a SAHP is childcare. If there isn't a stay-at-home parent, the child needs a babysitter or daycare. Not a sex worker."
"'My cousin then proceeded to tell everyone how easy I had it and she would love to switch places and get everything handed to her for sucking only one'"
"This is such a weird thing for a grown woman to say. It is like she doesn't understand that caring for children is work. You aren't trading sex for money, you are part of a family and a decision has been made that you staying home right now is best for your family."
"I am fine with you calling her a b*tch, but personally I would have a much more specific conversation about childcare as work."
"Then I would distance myself. Something is up with your cousin." - elinordash
"My mother was surprisingly supportive when I was a sex worker because in her opinion sex was the price of her being a stay at home spouse (which is really not something I needed to know, but feels better sharing that letting live in only my head rent free)."
"But you are right, a stay at home parent is almost certainly not giving head to the person she is home with most often, and if she he there is a problem." - FuckUGalen
"What's wrong with being a sex worker? That's a yikes. Be better" - toughasssnails
"I never said there was anything wrong with being a sex worker, I just pointed out that it is a different job than being a SAHM."
"You comment here really comes like you hoping there is someone you can tell off. So much so that you didn't actually understand by comment."
"Be better." - elinordash
"NTA"
"I don't think being drunk outs things in your brain. It just stops you from filtering a lot what could say if you wanted to say how you really feel."
"And it looks like she told you how she feels partially. Though maybe not fully. I'd take it with a grain of salt."
"It really just reflect badly on her is what I'm trying to say and has nothing to do with you. It's her own insecurities and judgmental attitudes"
"BUT being drunk is never an excuse and she did hurt you. And this is a boo-boo that sorry won't fix and her apology is sh**ty."
"It's not a compliment and very judgmental of all stay at home moms by extension"
"Having a stay at home parent is a parenting decision and smoky decision. She should have more respect for other peoples choices AND NOT be equating sex work and family home building."
"Both are valid but one has more of a negative stigma. And she has NO RIGHT to comment on the attractiveness of other people's partner or bring up their sex lives her self."
"That's highly uncalled for."
"I also imagine her perspective is some warped understanding of the choices women had and more importantly didn't have even 50 years ago. But it's highly offensive language shes using."
"She clearly has no respect for two major if not the most important roles women have played throughout history. This is not womens empowerment from how it's sounds like she trying to play it off."
"It's turning sex workers and work into an insult which we're trying to move away from as well as shaming stay at home parenting" - PettyHonestThrowaway
OP is justified in feeling upset, and while she didn't have to insult her cousin, her cousin should be doing better herself. Learn a little empathy, and not to deflect when called out.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.