As beautiful as having a baby is, the stress surrounding the new life norms can be a lot to handle.
There is always something to be doing and never enough time to sleep as much as necessary.
Money can also be a big issue.
Even with insurance, there is always another surprise bill popping up.
That's why new parents like to hope that their loved ones will understand that they might not have the time or money to be a part of everything not involving the baby.
Not all loved ones follow that thought process.
Redditor CautiousHouse8265 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not buying my entitled mother a birthday gift after just having a baby with my fiancée?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My Fiancée (F[emale] 25) and I (M[ale] 25) just had a baby on 12/16."
"We are both on parental leave and money is tight, we have bills, we just had Christmas, and we have a 3-week-old baby."
"Now here's the situation, my Mother's birthday is the first week of January and she has asked for a gift."
"I had politely stated I couldn't afford to get her a gift this year and if I do it will be late."
"I was respectful in hopes she'd be understanding."
"I was wrong."
"Her response was along the lines of 'I'll forget about your birthday this year then.'"
"Which is fine, I don't care about my birthday."
"This was the icing on the cake."
"I told her I couldn't get her a gift and I didn't care if she forgot my birthday."
"In response to that, my Mom started blaming my fiancée for me not getting her a gift and calling this whole conversation abuse."
"Basically insinuating that we are neglecting her or outcasting her."
"For more background ever since my fiancée got pregnant back in April 2024, my Mom has tried to make the whole experience about her."
"She got mad when my Fiancée didn't take her to appointments with her."
"She got mad when I found out the gender intimately with my fiancée."
"She was upset with the last name we gave our son and made side comments about how my fiancée's Mom was allowed in the delivery room and not her."
"Not to mention all the side comments saying my fiancée is a b**ch or is paranoid."
"I have defended my fiancée through it all but it is getting ridiculous."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Essentially AITA at all against my Mom?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Oh, where to start?"
"I swear we have the same mother."
"She is emotionally abusing both you and your fiancée."
"Perhaps go to N[o] C[ontact] for a while."
"You are a new Dad and need to focus on your new family unit."
"Let the dust settle and perhaps have a convo alone with your mother."
"Set boundaries or this negative energy will eat you alive."
"This whole gift crap on her part is entitled, juvenile, and ridiculous."
"NTA by the way." ~ Plastic_Cat9560
"Gaslighting is fun to deal with, isn't it?"
"I ended up in tears every time I spoke with my mom."
"I had to, and it was literally f**king hard, walk away and not look back."
"I felt guilty at times, but for my own mental sanity, I had to do it."
"Some people have issues you just can't fix or figure out."
"Perhaps she feels abandoned or has main character syndrome, but those are her issues, not yours."
"You deserve better." ~ Plastic_Cat9560
"My mother made a scene in the hospital lobby when I had my firstborn because my husband sent a picture of our newborn to his mother before she got one."
"I know how you feel OP."
"Look up the term gray rocking and use it to deal with your mother."
"You should check out https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/about/."
"It will help. NTA." ~ _A-Q
"Cut her off for a couple of months."
"If she continues, you might have to cut her off completely. It's up to you to protect your fiancée and baby."
"Your fiancée is getting trashed by your mother and she's not ever involved with her."
"You should tell your mother to stop, or she won't see you or the baby." ~ SalisburyWitch
"Drop the rope."
"She can't win a tug of war if you aren't participating."
"Mute her and enjoy your time with your new family; when everything's settled at home, you and your fiancé should have a frank talk about whether she should be unmuted or what you want to do."
"Your mother is trying to control you, and frankly, she's trying to ruin your life."
"How she acted towards your fiancée during her pregnancy would have sent most people running for the hills because verbal abuse for so long is unhealthy and damaging." ~ canyonemoon
"Good God! I am so sorry for both you and OP."
"Wish I could give you a big hug!"
"No one deserves this."
"I know not all parents are there to help and some choose to be distant."
"But to request a gift from your child when they are a new parent, tired and trying to figure things out is such an A-Hole egotistical move, especially knowing that they are in a tough financial situation."
"Also, what's with the 'not being in the delivery room.'"
"This is your baby - you get to choose the name, choose the way you find out the gender and the person birthing gets to choose who is in the room."
"She was in severe pain for several hours through this and probably in the most vulnerable state of her life, it's perfectly normal to not want in the room someone who stresses her out."
"If your mom decides to 'punish' you, it's okay for you to respond the same way."
"She pretends not to understand boundaries, then go NC."
"No one, not even our parents, is entitled to anything in life."
"It's a relationship, it goes both ways." ~ PerspectiveNo3782
"100%. Your mother is a real piece of work."
"I agree."
"Go no contact with her for a little while."
"Tell her her birthday isn't nearly as important as your baby is to you."
"Tell her to grow up."
"Tell her she's not 10 years old and doesn't have to have a birthday present every year!"
"And her criticism of your fiancée should be cut off immediately." ~ Critical_Armadillo32
"NTA, but you need to set boundaries."
"If she can't respect your fiancée repeatedly and gaslights you, maybe it's time to lower contact and distance yourself." ~ Vidiacool-uwu
"Hey OP it doesn't matter how long it took, all that matters is now, in the present you've reached your limit."
"My mother isn't as bad as yours but she's made snide comments about my son's name, about the way it's spelled."
"Then she complained about his hair but the final straw was when I uploaded a picture of him and everyone was commenting on how cute he was or how funny it was that he was all in my phone but you know what she said?"
"'Why does his hair look so dirty?'"
"That was the wake-up call that got me to start standing up to her and set boundaries."
"It'll be hard but you got this!" ~ BlAcK_rOsE1995
"I completely agree."
"Boundaries are essential, especially when someone repeatedly disrespects your partner and manipulates situations to suit their narrative."
"You owe it to yourself and your fiancée to create a healthy, supportive environment."
"If lowering contact is what it takes to protect your relationship and mental well-being, then that's a valid step." ~ hgjfhgtuigy
"NTA at all and it sounds like your mother is working her way towards being low or no contact, which is a shame considering she has a grandbaby."
"I know that some people love their birthdays, and some people just don't care about their birthdays."
"Whatever your thought is on birthdays, you should not cause financial distress for your loved ones to celebrate yourself."
"Your mother sounds extremely immature and controlling, to be honest."
"Perhaps she's having issues struggling with the idea of 'sharing' you with your fiancé and now your child, but that's her problem, not yours."
"You have created a family with someone."
"As the woman who has had my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] try to bully my husband with a lot of these same issues, please support your fiancée."
"I'm thankful that my husband always has, but oftentimes we see adult sons who back down to the pressure of their overbearing mothers or fathers at the detriment of the relationship with their partner and children."
"I feel like you are trying your hardest not to let that happen."
"I would set some clear boundaries that you will no longer tolerate the snide comments and the flat-out insults of the mother of your child."
"I would emphasize the fact that while she's your mom and you'll always love her, the family YOU have created comes first, and first means there is no room for the hostility she's trying to create."
"That means no snarky little comments, no calling her a b**ch, none of it."
"And I'd make it clear that you will enforce those boundaries if she refuses to comply."
"She may have given birth to you, but that does NOT mean that she dominates you for the rest of your life."
"Good luck to you and congrats on the baby." ~ No-Holiday1692
"NTA. Your mom sounds like she's trying to compete in the 'main character Olympics,' but she's missing the memo that your baby takes gold."
"You're prioritizing your new family, which is exactly what you should be doing."
"Gifts aren't a requirement, especially when you've got diapers to buy and sleep to catch up on." ~ LilyGoldenlark
"NTA. It would have probably been better to buy your mom a cheap gift than nothing (a card and flowers say), but your mom's pettiness in response is out of line and seems to be part of a general pattern of pettiness and just being a jerk."
"The fact that she's doing this at a time when you are very vulnerable and need support is much worse." ~ nomoreplsthx
"NTA. Agreed - a dollar-store card and a candy bar would have been nice, or even a handmade card."
"But she looks like she's making herself to be both a victim and a problem."
"JustnoMIL subreddit may offer you some ideas in handling her, but for your and your partner's sanity, it sounds like you need a break from her. Yikes." ~ punnymama
"NTA and I'm sorry, but why are you still in contact with this lady?"
"She sounds exhausting. Set clear boundaries right now and go low contact before she starts trash-talking your fiancée about how she takes care of your baby on her face."
"You and your fiancée are saints for putting up with her bullcrap this long." ~ NithranielSylvan
"NTA, she sounds narcissistic and manipulative, but there are plenty of very inexpensive but thoughtful gifts you can surely afford that would have made her feel included and avoided any drama." ~ rx7leon
"The OP is definitely NTA."
"I'm a mom who in the 43 years of motherhood to two of my own and a bonus daughter from my husband's first marriage and I can say I've never asked for anything for birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, any occasion."
"You know the saying, a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child? That's me."
"Right now I have two of the three struggling financially."
"I stress that holidays are for taking time to be together as a family. If we are all together, that is the best gift ever."
"I'm often shocked when I read on Reddit stories about how selfish people are."
"There are so many people in the world who are only interested in themselves."
"They don't look at others struggling nor ask if there is anything they can do to lighten someone's burden."
"As a mother and grandmother, I want to do that!"
"Not be a doormat or give so much that I am unable to meet my financial obligations but because I recognize need."
"Anyway, that's my rant about narcissistic people." ~ curly_spy
"Definitely NTA!!"
"Your mom is not only entitled, but she's also emotionally manipulative, childish, and selfish!"
"I'd consider some hardcore boundaries with her, at least for a while." ~ jacksonlove3
"NTA but it's time to cut your mother off."
"Go Low Contact."
"On the rare times you are in contact with her, anytime she starts something, hang up or leave."
"Your family is now your fiancée and child."
"They deserve better than your mother." ~ Fearless_Ad1685
"It's so tone-deaf to expect things from people who've just had a baby. NTA." ~ goldandjade
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your Mother is out of line.
Why is she not thrilled with a grandchild as a gift?
You all may want to seek group counseling, or you may just want to go to No Contact for a while.
You do what is best for your family and your mental health.
Congratulations and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp