A Redditor followed their passion and supported themselves through college despite a lack of support from home.
Fortunately, the student eventually found their future spouse at the college, married, is running a small business, and is living a life they should be proud of for forging on their own.
When the past collided with the present situation, they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment for their actions from strangers online.
There, Redditor A_Bean_Like_No_Other asked:
"AITA for refusing to take care of my parents?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My household was negative to say the least. And my parents were strict and controlling and wanted me to be doctor or lawyer but I only wanted to do art. I remember showing my parents' my art and them telling me some sarcastic remarks."
"I told them I was going to college for art and asked them to help support. Don't really know why though since I knew they wouldn't unless it was for something they want me to do."
"Anyways they refused saying that it was 'my choice, my responsibility.' So I worked as a broke college student barley making ends meet whilst juggling working 2-3 part time jobs and keeping up my grades and now own a small art program."
The OP continued:
"A year into my degree and I meet my now husband in a small coffee shop turns out he was a student too and wanted to make friends. By friends he meant a girlfriend, and asked for my number and I agreed since he was cute and now I have 2 kids with him."
"So now I (32) And my hubby (34) have a happy family, my husband's family became my second family they helped me through college and weren't monster in laws or anything like that crap."
"My mom, (66) And dad, (69) reached out with their demands, Demand 1, Meet their grand kids. Demand 2, Move in with us or cover their rent. Demand 3, Pay for hospital/medical bills."
"Their reasons? They 'did so much for me and deserve their happy ending to.' I told them of saying it was their bad choices their responsibility and they needed to work like I did to get by since I wasn't gonna help some stuck up pieces of work."
"I feel like I did the right thing since they left me when I needed help but some of the family thinks I'm being unfair to them since they did work for me so I could eat etc etc, but I don't know part of me doesn't wanna expose my kids nor myself to their toxicity but I want some unbiased outside opinions before I make up my mind."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA."
"I think it's always crazy when parents say 'we did so much for you, providing food, clothes, a place to live, etc. when your were growing up.' You didn't ask to be brought into the world, your parents chose to have kids — and thus chose to take on the responsibility to provide for you."
"I think the fact that they're making demands of you, especially for you to move them in with you or pay their rent, is kinda crazy. It would be a bit different to ask for support and come up with a solution that worked for both of you. Also, the fact that they haven't met your kids (I don't know how old they are) is a sign that your relationship with your parents has deteriorated."
"I don't know the full scope of the relationship, but from what you've said, I don't think you owe them everything they're demanding. If you want to help your parents in a way that keeps some boundaries (I.e. help with some of the medical bills), I think that's a nice thing to do. But if this is a relationship that has turned into a no contact situation for years due to toxic behaviour and they're just reaching out for money, I think you are well within your rights to say no."
"Ultimately, you are the only person who can choose how you want to proceed with your relationship with them and you also should be the one to decide how much or little you want to get involved again, for your own sake. But you wouldn't be the a**hole if you said no, and the family calling you an a**hole should step up more if they feel so strongly." – smeekky
"NTA. You don't owe them anything. Put it this way: your 2 kids - are you raising them because you expect payback someday? Your parents didn't respect who you are and cut you off when they could no longer control you. Do you want people like that around your kids? They're only contacting you because they want something. Leave them out of your life. Concentrate on the fmily you have now." – MerlinBiggs
"NTA. You reap what you sow in life. Your parents did not support your dream and apparently have not remained in your life, considering they have never met your children. But now that they they need something, they want their 'investment' in you to pay off."
"Here's the reality, at least from my perspective. Children are not a financial investment or a retirement plan. Your parents chose to have you, which means that they had a legal and moral obligation to support you for 18 years."
"You don't owe them anything in return, particularly when they did not support your educational or professional dreams. The family members who think you are wrong can chip in and pay your parents' rent and hospital bills. If they don't want to do that, they need to shut up and go away." – MedicinalWalnuts
"NTA."
"I was in your shoes. At the ripe old age of 63, my mother decided to retire and come live with me and my family. She forgot to tell me this before she retired."
"I went to visit her and was told 'I've retired and coming to live with you. When will my room be ready?'"
"Understand that my parents divorced before I was two, Dad was a functioning alcoholic and Mother was a BPD and OCD. My childhood was absolutely horrid, and I joined the military to get away as soon as I could."
"I told my mother 'Never. There is a 55+ community around the corner from my house. I'll get you a place there and we will come see you or you come see us.' "
"I was told 'no. It's not what I want, you have to take care of me.'"
"To which I responded 'no. I don't.' "
"There's a lot more to my horrible story, but I never allowed her to come live with us. She actually move 300 miles further away."
"You are not responsible for your parents, unless you and only you feel you should be." – Weird-Grocery6931
"As my therapist told me multiple times during our last session: you don't owe anyone anything. Full stop."
"This includes biological family. We don't consent to be born. For some asinine reason, we've been bred to believe we're born and should help our parents as they age. F'k. That."
"If you were born into and raised and continue to have a great relationship with family and want to help them as they age, that's great. Unfortunately, that's not something we all experience."
"I love my parents, I do. But, my entire family decided to abandon my husband when he was in need and by extension, abandoned me. While I understand their reasoning, I don't agree and don't feel like I owe them anything else at this point in my life. It's a hard pill to swallow. But I'll be damned if I don't go out and live my life to the fullest despite their bullsh*t." – Pale-Avocado-1069
"NTA."
"They did NOTHING special!!!"
"They provided food and shelter to their minor child that they chose to bring into the world. Bare minimum."
"Had they done extra as parents, you know like paying or at least supporting you through college, then they MAY deserve at least to be heard, but only maybe."
"The mere fact that they have NEVER reached out to meet their grandchildren until they have their hands out indicates they have no real desire to be in their lives, other than use them for personal gain, and your children should not be exposed to them."
"Block them and move on to enjoy YOUR happiness."
"As for those trying to guilt you or giving unsolicited advice. Tell them you would gladly give them your parents' contact information so they can personally contribute to their upkeep." – Odd-End-1405
"NTA - parents choose to have children ( or keep children, you know what I mean) they are suppose take care of their kids. You have your own kids to take care of, and your own responsibilities to try to set up your future as to not over burden your adult children with bills."
"If they wanted to start up a relationship with you and your family, that is one thing and could be good, could be toxic. But clearly their main focus is pay our rent and bills. Hard Pass! (they probably think they're owed a relationship with their grandchildren no.) " – CommonCow495
Overall, Redditors thought it was rich that the OP's parents reached out to the child they never showed up for until they needed something, which in this case was to provide housing of cover their rent.
Redditors maintained the OP owed their parents nothing. Blood isn't always thicker than water.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp