It’s understandable that not all relationships are going to work out, but when they end suddenly or without explanation, the experience can be really confusing.
Having children involved makes it all the more complicated, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor CraftyHold598 was pregnant with her ex-fiancé’s twins, and when he didn’t want to be involved in raising them, she assumed he wouldn’t want to be involved in naming them, either.
But when he threw a huge fit over her giving them her last name, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she had done something wrong.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for naming my kids without their dad’s input and refusing to change it when he disagreed?”
The OP had an unusual falling out with her future husband.
“I (23 female) recently had twins about 7 weeks ago.”
“Their dad and I were engaged, planning on getting married, and did plan the pregnancy.”
“He was the one who had really pushed the idea and convinced me, so when he decided to up and leave when I was about 14 weeks pregnant, it sucked.”
“To be clear, there wasn’t a conflict that I’m aware of. He went on a business trip and sent me a text, telling me that he ‘didn’t think it would work out between us,’ and that was it.”
“He had his sister help me pack my bags since I had recently moved in with him.”
The father wasn’t in the picture during the pregnancy or after the birth.
“During my pregnancy, we had minimal contact, mainly around custody and the few requests on updates with the pregnancy.”
“Surprisingly, he did fight for custody – to have 0%.”
“He’ll have visitation and parental rights, but that’s it.”
“The last time we talked before the babies were born, it was 3 days before my c-section. This was planned and he was aware of the date/location, etc.”
“The babies were in the NICU for 2 weeks, and during this time he didn’t text or visit.”
“Obviously, you need to name your kids, so I ended up choosing them myself, since we hadn’t gotten to that stage.”
“I also gave them my last name, since I’ll be the one to do appointments, etc., and raising them.”
“From his lack of interest throughout pregnancy, I didn’t think he cared.”
The OP was surprised to see him three weeks after the twins were born.
“3 weeks after they were born and I’d taken them home, he showed up.”
“He asked what I named them and when I told him, he said they don’t look like their names and said that the names are ‘stuck up’ names.”
“He then said their names paired with his last name, but I corrected him and told him they’d taken my surname.”
“He got p**sed, and it became a tense situation.”
“He demanded I change their names, and I said no.”
“He told me to combine our last names, and I said no.”
“I told him a parent that fights for 0% custody of their kids doesn’t show much concern or care about the said kid, especially since there are no physical/mental, etc., reasons to not be able to parent.”
“He told me I was unreasonable and unhinged, and I told him that paying child support was the bare minimum.”
“I added that if he wanted a say in their names, he should’ve shown up or called when they were born and not waited 3 weeks to even ask what his own kids’ names were.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some didn’t think the ex had a right to say anything at this point.
“NTA. You’re right that normally names are a 2-yes situation, but your case is not normal. Your ex doesn’t get to show up 3 weeks after the birth and start making demands.”
“If I were you, I would refer all his calls to your lawyer and don’t even worry about his nonsense.”
“PS. Congratulations on your twins!” – fizzbangwhiz
“0% custody, 0% rights. He fought for this and now doesn’t like how it tastes.”
“Refer him to your lawyer. He’s the crazy and unhinged one. NTA.” – nsfwns
“OP, I’m concerned that you even have to ask if you’re TA. I mean, I’m concerned you might’ve been mistreated by someone in the past which is how you ended up with such a prince.”
“Please get some therapy if you can, to figure out how you hooked up with this AH and how you can avoid such in the future. And hold the line with this one: don’t give him an INCH, EVER.” – JadieJang
“In my industry, we have this saying, ‘No response means no.'”
“In this case, I think the question was ‘Do you care,’ and his answer was clear.” – doughnutmakemelaugh
“I had this exact scenario with my first child. The father dipped out after finding out, wasn’t there when he was born, and didn’t see him for over a week after.”
“I figured since I would be the one raising him, I would name him and give him my last name. NTA.” – Competitive-Bunch355
“I don’t understand what he expected to happen here. He should kick rocks, and you should speak with a family attorney because this situation isn’t going to get any better. NTA.” – Agent_Onions
“I see so many stories where dad wants zero involvement when the child is born, but then when they’re 5-6 and out of the tough toddler stage, and now they’re a fun kid to take to the aquarium and amusement parks, suddenly they have a change of heart.”
“Make sure everything is nailed down on paper! I would even start a journal documenting every interaction you have with him and keep communication to text and email to keep a paper trail. You never know what kind of bulls**t he’ll pull later!” – crap_whats_not_taken
“NTA. Once he decided he wasn’t going to be involved, he forfeited any right to being involved in any decisions regarding your children.” – NUT-me-SHELL
“NTA. He insists on having kids, you’re pregnant with twins, he dumps you over text, doesn’t get involved during pregnancy, isn’t there when you give birth, fights to get no custody, and shows up 3 weeks after the kids are born to demand they have his last name?”
“LMAO (laughing my a** off). F**k off.” – Mothkau
Others were really stuck on the details of the breakup and the ex’s push for 0% rights.
“I have a dead father that’s more involved in my life than this dude is in the ones of his kids.”
“NTA. I’m just confused why he pushed for pregnancy just to leave.” – Shiny_Agumon
“I’d bet money it’s a thrill for him to leave behind offspring in general. A natural symbol of a ‘successful male’ is the one who sows his wild oats, but also in nature, the male animals often don’t stick around to care for the offspring as they’re only concerned with having more.”
“I think for him, it might be something like that. Not necessarily a fetish, but a deep satisfaction someone has his kids, he has kids out there, can make more, etc.”
“It’s f**king delicious that they don’t have his last name, that’s absolutely what he was expecting his ‘legacy’ to continue through, with evidence he was there.”
“The fact they don’t have his last name, no one will ever know they were his unless they dig. His grandkids will never be glanced at and known to be a result of him. It’s f**king delicious, I think it killed his entire plan or purpose of this in one clean chop.” – tablesafety
“Look at the way he’s acting now. He probably just wanted to chain some woman down to pass on his bloodline without actually being a father or a partner. He wants the legacy without any of the work. Tough luck.”
“NTA, OP. Even if he HAD stuck around, he wouldn’t have the right to demand the kids get his names in the first place.” – LizGiz4
“It happens. My now ex-husband did the same thing. He met someone else who didn’t have younger kids and her life was video games, drinking, and partying. So much better than a pregnant wife, younger kids, soccer, football, baseball, karate…” – JaydeRaven
“He wants a legacy without any of the work (hence the tantrum over them having his name).”
“He wants to permanently saddle her with a reminder of him.”
“He wants to punish her through the kids.”
“Pick a reason, they might all apply. He sounds like a narcissist / egotistical a**hole.” – Seraphinx
While the OP felt uncomfortable with how the latest interaction with her ex went, and she wondered if there was any truth to what he had said about the twins’ surnames, the subReddit insisted the mother was right.
In order to have any rights to a child, the person needs to be involved more than simply wanting to be a namesake. Showing up three weeks late, angry and whining to get what he wants, simply isn’t enough.