Though some relationships end healthily enough, other relationships end in very messy breakups and divorces.
Sometimes, the effects of the breakup might even show up years later, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Alternative_Check560 had been divorced for nearly a decade and thought that his co-parenting situation was solid enough, including when he gifted his daughter a guitar that she kept at her mother's house.
But when his ex-wife sold the guitar, on the grounds that it still reminded her of their failed relationship and "taunted her," the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and furious from her betrayal.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being furious that my ex-wife sold the guitar I gave my daughter?"
The OP had been divorced for nearly a decade.
"Some background" My ex-wife (33 Female) and I (33 Male) got divorced when we were 24... nine years ago. Since then, she has remarried and been with her new husband for almost six years."
The OP was supportive of his daughter learning to play the guitar.
"One of my daughters (11 Female) recently got into learning how to play the guitar, and because I have multiple, I gave her one of mine so she can practice when she is at her mom's house."
"The guitar has a lot of sentimental value to me. I've played it at some of my friends' weddings, at a good friend's funeral, and a lot of other memories as well, including playing it for my daughter when she was an infant to get her to fall asleep."
"That being said, I found it kind of fitting for her to take over that guitar and start playing it herself now that she's taken an interest in it, and then today this happened."
The OP then shared a very troubling text exchange.
When the OP couldn't immediately call, his ex-wife texted:
"It's fine. I decided. I sold that guitar you gave [our daughter] and bought her a new one, but I had it narrowed down to two."
The OP was incredulous.
"WTF? What do you mean you sold that guitar? Why? And where?""I've had that guitar for 15 years and it had a lot of sentimental value to me, which is why I found it fitting for her to learn on it."
"Why would you even sell it without talking to me?"
The OP's ex-wife texted back:
"We were married. You think I don't recognize that guitar? LOL.""So what, I'm supposed to see it in my house every day and be reminded of you and then get sad? I don't think so."
"It was a little too big for her anyway. I got her a smaller one."
u/Alternative_Check560
The OP's ex-wife then accused him:
"It's low-key kind of f**ked up anyway [that] you even want it here to taunt me."
The OP challenged:
"To taunt you? WTF is wrong with you?""We've been divorced for nine years and you're remarried. 'Taunting' you or thinking you'd get caught up in old feelings was not even a blip on my radar."
"You didn't think to talk to me about it first? Did you even ask her? Or did you just decide to take it coincidentally when she's at school and has no say in the matter?"
The OP's ex-wife didn't see what the problem was.
"LOL, [you're] ridiculous.""I didn't ask her because I wanted to surprise her."
"You don't think she'd want her own guitar instead of her dad's hand-me-down?"
"It's not a big deal. Why are you so [p**sed] off?"
u/Alternative_Check560
The OP called to confront his ex-wife.
"After our text convo, I called my ex-wife and learned she sold it for $350 and bought a guitar for about $150. She's always been the money-hungry type, and I can't help but feel like she took advantage of an opportunity to make a quick $200."
"She started crying on the phone, calling me an insensitive asshole, and said she didn't like seeing it in the house because it made her too emotional."
"The thing is, too, my daughter was honored to get that guitar, and I know she wasn't complaining or calling it a 'hand me down.'"
"I'm not trying to be insensitive to how she's feeling, but I also feel like she's using that as an excuse. Even if she was feeling any sort of way about it, why not talk to me about it first, or give me an opportunity to get the guitar back and get my daughter a different one before taking matters into her own hands?"
"AIO or was she out of line?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were infuriated by how disrespectful the OP's ex-wife had been.
"NOR, dude. I can't stand my kids' mom 99% of the time, but I would never in a million years sell something she gave to our kid. Then the whole 'taunting' her thing, especially this long after the divorce, who the f**k thinks like that?!" - SendThatPlease
"She was out of line. That guitar wasn't hers to sell, and the fact that it had meaning for both you and your daughter makes it worse."
"If it truly bothered her to have it in the house, the right thing would've been to talk to you and work out another solution. Selling something sentimental behind your back for quick cash is selfish, not sensitive. You're not wrong to feel upset." - Techand_Tea
"I'd be making her buy that guitar back immediately, at whatever rate the seller will part with it for. She's either intentionally malicious with her actions or the dumbest person I've met."
"Willing to bet it's the first and she's well aware that the guitar meant a lot to him and his daughter. She knew what she was doing." - Double-Scratch5858
"I would say report it stolen, but you know best on whether it's worth the drama. Ask your daughter if she wants it back. Hopefully, you can tell whether her 'it's fine' actually means it or is trying to be polite."
"20 years ago, my dad sold his old leather bomber jacket at a yard sale. I didn't realize he was selling it until it was too late, and I was too shy to speak up when someone was buying it. I told him I would have kept it and worn it afterwards, and felt bad that I told him, as then he was sad and said he would have given it to me."
"Years later, I wish I had spoken up and stopped the sale as it held so much sentimental value, and I would have loved to wear it. I've never been able to find a similar one that I could afford."
"Your daughter is 11, so she may not have as much attachment to it right now, but I would still recommend asking her if she wants you to try to track it down. She might be able to get the info from her mom (or maybe the new husband if he's not a d**k)."
"It was a spiteful, greedy, and cruel move on your Ex's part to sell it in the first place." - Krafty_Koala
Others were certain that the OP's ex-wife had done some irrevocable damage to her relationship with their daughter.
"You're NOR. If my mother had done this with my father's guitars during custody or after... I can't even think straight."
"My dad gifted me his guitars in 2023 after he got too sick to play anymore. I have a rough relationship with my dad. The guitars are one beautiful thing I cherish." - chels2112
"My guess, she'll never forgive her mother for this. She will likely remember you gifting her this, and be incredibly sad, more so if she can't get her mom to get it back. Even more likely, she probably knows what kind of person her mom is. It's sad."
"However, I recognize it; my mom ('surprise') turned my sister's car into the dealership while she was at school, and came home with some bright blue thing my sister did NOT want, had no choice in, and, oh, then mom told her, by the way, she now had car payments for the next five years…"
"NOR. Some people are unreal." - smushcakes
"I feel so bad for her, OMG. Screw the ex, just be there for ur daughter because her mom is using her in her vendetta, and that kind of stuff is really hard on a child."
"I'm sorry this happened, genuinely, because that could have been something beautiful passed down for generations. Breaks my heart." - Opalmoon98
"A decent guitar that had over nine years of life and sentimental value? That thing was probably worth way more than $350. She basically scammed her own kid's gift to pocket some quick cash."
"Your daughter's gonna figure out real quick that mom traded her meaningful instrument for some cheap starter guitar. That's gonna sting more than any 'emotional feelings' about seeing an ex's guitar around the house." - Commercial_Neat7942
"Check in with your daughter. I'm guessing this isn't the first thing like this mom has done. And this is about more than a guitar."
"Take her out for dinner or go on some sort of adventure when you have her next, where you can talk. Just see how things are going with her, how mom is treating her, and talk about the guitar as an opener."
"I saw this happen with a friend whose parents divorced between seventh and eighth grade; the more the daughter grew after the divorce to have her own personality and interests (and God forbid those interests are shared or influenced by dad or dad's family), and progressed on her self-actualising journey, the more absolute of a controlling witch her mom became."
"Lots of really ridiculous microaggressions like this, because mom was losing control. Mom was losing her identity as 'poor single mom'."
"Tried to sue for more custody and child support and stop dad's visitation, tried to get dad and dad's family banned from coming to see his daughter in sports, choir, school play, graduation, the works."
"Continued into college until the daughter went no contact and moved to another state and another school. (Mom shortly married a boyfriend and started a whole new family.)"
"Get your guard up, dad, and just do a welfare check on your kid. Cause I highly doubt this is just about money." - FewFuture3116
The OP later shared an update in a comment.
"First of all, I just want to say I was overwhelmed by all the responses, but I greatly appreciate everyone's genuine care, advice, and willingness to help. I've had a lot of you reach out and offer to buy her a new guitar or pitch in money to try and buy back the one I lost, and while I would never take anyone's money, it is such an awesome sentiment that I am grateful for."
"So, it turns out she sold it to somebody on Facebook Marketplace. She wouldn't give me the information of the guy who bought it, only saying that she reached out to him and he didn't want to sell it back, not even for an extra $100."
"I don't believe her, but whatever. I made a post on Facebook about it, hoping it would get a hit in some local groups, but ended up deleting it a few hours later, and I'll explain why in a minute."
"I did reach out to my attorney, and unfortunately, he doesn't see her breaking anything stated directly in my custody order. He does think that if I wanted to take her to small claims court, I'd have a fair shot of at least getting her to pay me what the guitar was worth. However, I am not going to do that. It was never about the money, and the court is just more trouble than it's worth."
The moment the OP shared later with his daughter let him know everything would be okay.
"I talked to my daughter when she got out of school, and she was extremely disappointed that her mom would do something like that. We had a long talk and a bittersweet moment where she teared up and said as much as losing the guitar sucks, it doesn't take away the memories that were already created."
"She said she will still be able to envision when I taught her to strum her first chord or sang with her when she was a toddler. There are a few songs that are meaningful to us, and we can still play them together on any guitar, and while that doesn't make the situation better, it was still a heartfelt moment, and I was proud she was able to have a positive attitude about it."
"After a while, we came to the conclusion that she didn't want to keep chasing the guitar, knowing it would be a shot in the dark, and also knowing that her mom would get some joy in me being discouraged by it. We didn't want to give her that satisfaction."
"So with that, we deleted my post and took her new guitar back to Guitar Center with the receipt and returned it. I let her pick a different one, one she actually had a say in getting. I paid the difference from the cash we got back from the return."
"My ex-wife got her nails done at some point today, presumably with the extra cash she pocketed, but the night ended with a happy child, and an ex-wife who hopefully is going to bed knowing she holds no power over me with her actions."
"In a way, I feel this strengthened the bond between my daughter and me, and helped her see her mother in a different light. So in reality, my ex is the loser here and the only one she hurt most was herself, driving a wedge between her and her child."
"My daughter is looking forward to moving past this and creating new memories that can't be tainted with her new guitar, the one she named 'the mother effer.' At almost 12 years old, not sure how appropriate that is, but I love it and that's the name we're sticking with, LOL."
"Thanks again to all of you who reached out, commented, and helped me see that I was not the crazy one. It's been a h**l of a day, and I'm still a little sad, but not going to let it keep me down. Rock on, peeps!"
Though it would have been wonderful to acquire the original guitar and keep it in the family, it sounded like the OP and his daughter had done the next best thing, which was to take the power back from his ex-wife.
It was clear that she had no hold over him, though in retrospect, she probably hurt her relationship with her daughter in the process and would make her daughter much more protective of her possessions in her mother's household in the future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp