Driving can be a touchy subject.
Sometimes, kids and parents can’t drive together because of excessive critique.
Friends have been brought to fisticuffs over “Who drove it best?”
But romantic partners and driving can be an especially stressful situation.
That’s a topic that maybe should be handled before any “I do’s” take place.
Redditor fossilsharkteeth wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITAH for refusing to drive if my wife is in the car?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“For years after we got married, I could never figure out why I would be so angry and moody anytime my wife and I went somewhere.”
“Then it finally clicked.”
“I was only in a bad mood if I drove with my wife.”
“My wife is the absolute worst backseat driver I have ever seen.”
“Doesn’t matter how I drive, she still finds things to complain about.”
“Why did you go this way?”
“If you had gone that way, we would be there by now!”
“You’re driving too fast!”
“You’re driving too slow!”
“You could of made that light unf**kingreal!”
“That light was red, and you blew threw it!”
“Can you brake any harder, idiot!?”
“There were 17 great parking spots, and you had to choose parking spot 18, which is the absolute worst!”
“You turned your blinker on too late!”
“You turned your blinker on too early!”
“Why are you accelerating so slowly?”
“Whoa! Was it necessary to accelerate that quickly? Etc…”
“So, I have refused to drive for the past couple of years.”
“I now make her do all the driving.”
“And lo and behold, I’m no longer a grumpy person when we travel.”
“She has now gotten upset that she now is always driving and told me I needed to at least split driving 50/50 with her.”
“I told her if she could keep her opinions to herself while I was driving, then I would.”
“She agreed.”
“So, Last weekend I started driving.”
“She couldn’t even last 3 minutes without criticizing my driving.”
“I pulled over and told her I was done.”
“Either she takes over driving, or we’re going home.”
“She eventually took the wheel.”
“As she muttered that I drive like a moron even though there’s only one of us who has any tickets and has at fault accidents on their record and it’s not me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITAH for refusing to drive if she’s present?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Next time she complains, I’d start doing to her what she does to you in the car and see how she likes it.”
“Sometimes people don’t see their actions until it’s done unto them.” ~ mca2021
“NTA. I have a tendency to be a backseat driver to my partner, but not nearly to this extent.”
“If he wanted to drive separately and told me the reason was because of how I treat him, it would only make me reflect on how I’m treating him.”
“You need to have a serious sit-down conversation with her, outside of the car, and if she doesn’t get it, then I wouldn’t drive with her.” ~ chestertheblackcat
“She’s calling you an idiot and a moron?”
“It sounds like you came up with a perfectly reasonable solution.”
“She can’t complain about your driving, force you to drive, or call you names—that’s not okay.”
“I think you did the right thing, and you’re NTA.” ~ HereForTheFooodz
“Hubby and I do it somewhat often, but we have been together 16 years this year, and we’re friends in high school (started dating 2 years after high school).”
“We also only do it with a sarcastic grin (hubby), cheeky poking our tongue out (me) or when the other person does something stupid (like me going to put the cold full carton of milk in the pantry instead of the fridge 🤦♀️ or when hubby can’t find his phone dispite setting it up for our daughter less than 30 seconds earlier).”
“Yes, it can be abusive, but I think it has more to do with the history behind the marriage/relationship and the couple themselves to be able to determine the context.”
“With the context of this post, I would say it isn’t okay, and OP is NTA for not tolerating it anymore.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“I wish my mom could learn from this.”
“I have refused to drive in a car with my mom since 2017.”
“She is the absolute worst at gasping or reaching for the oh s**t handle or putting her hands on the glove box in such a dramatic fashion when, for instance, you’re slowing down from 45-40 by taking your foot off the gas.”
“It’s insane.”
“My sister also refuses to drive with her.”
“It’s at the point that she almost refused to even vacation with her last year.”
“If we’re going somewhere, either she’s driving, or we’re taking separate cars and meeting there.”
“All that dramatic stuff just makes me anxious and a worse driver than my actual good driving skills.”
“I’ve been driving for 24 years, and the only wreck I’ve been in was from another car going through a stop sign years ago and hitting me while I had the right of way.”
“Backseat drivers only cause more accidents, not less, with their antics.”
“She can’t understand that, though.”
“It’s crazy because she’s not really a dramatic person normally.”
“The last car wreck I was in, though?”
“Guess who was driving… lol.” ~ Dangerous-Sense7488
“NTA, have you two talked about not putting each other down and not belittling each other?”
“I would never be with someone who called me an idiot.” ~ control_vs_surrender
“NTA, and your wife needs some therapy or anger management, sheesh.” ~ intotheshadows05
“I try really hard not to be driven by my husband.”
“He tailgates.”
“And is a very aggressive driver.”
“So, unless I’m incapable, I’ll drive.”
“We got home once- with him driving- and I got out of the car and threw up.”
“So never again.”
“He doesn’t really mind as he can then have more than one drink, but there’ve been a couple of times he’s tried to be the driver, and I just won’t get in the car.”
“I’m not embarrassed to stand on the street and wait for him to get out of the driver’s seat. 🤷🏼♀️” ~ JaneNotKnowing
“NTA. This hostility goes beyond backseat driving.”
“She sounds like a very angry person.”
“Normally, I would suggest doing the same to her when she drives, but she will not get the point.”
“Throw the whole woman away.” ~ tatersprout
“I’m impressed that this solution has worked for several years!”
“I would have expected the abuse to just transfer into other areas of your life once the opportunities to backseat drive stopped.”
“NTA and good for you!” ~ OkDragonfly4098
“NTA, I bet this isn’t the only time she’s abusive.” ~ Rainbow-24
“NTA. My dad was like OP’s wife. Barking orders non-stop, critiquing, yelling, flinging hands, etc.”
“A privileged, Type A, bully, narcissist, ‘His way or no way’ person.”
“I bet OP’s wife also criticizes other drivers non-stop.”
“He broke his hip and other medical issues; I moved in to help him.”
“After a week with me driving him everywhere every day (Type A), I told him, ‘Critique me once, one warning, if you do it again, we are turning around for home and will not go anywhere.'”
“Next day, ‘Watch my mailbox!’ DAD!’ : One more and we aren’t going anywhere today.'”
“Less than 8 houses down the street, ‘Slow Down, there is a STOP sign ahead!'”
“I calmly said, ‘We are turning around at the STOP sign and going back home, I’m not driving you.'”
“He begged, he threatened, I didn’t say a word, came back to his house, got him inside the house safely, then sat down.”
“I’ve had ONE ticket in over 50 years.”
“I rushed through a yellow light, and it turned red.”
“I have never caused an accident.”
“I so HEAR what OP is saying, it is maddening to be in the car with someone like that.”
“This is what CAUSES accidents, in my opinion.” ~ NCKALA
“NTA, this is abusive behavior.”
“If you’re feeling petty, ask how many points she has on her license, but that’s a sure way to start a fight.” ~ TheMiniMonster23
“The way she treats you when you’re driving is not acceptable.”
“She’s rude, disrespectful, and condescending to you.”
“This needs a much bigger conversation outside of the car.”
“I wouldn’t just stop driving either, her.”
“For me, that would be a huge problem.”
“I can’t stay with someone who behaves like this.” ~ MajorAd2679
“Your wife is, though.”
“My husband is a crap driver and he admits it fully.”
“Took him 5 goes to pass his test.”
“I love him but hate his driving, but I keep quiet when he does drive (other than telling him to go up a gear or get his foot off the clutch because it ruins the car).”
“I am never nasty or rude about it, though.”
“So I do the majority of driving.”
“We both have cars that we own individually.”
“When I’m not with him, he can do what he wants, but he ends up having expensive repairs required.”
“While my car is older, it is in better shape.”
“Straight and long roads he’s fine, but when we go to the lake District etc and it’s country roads I take over.”
“Works well for us, and we never fight about it; we each have our strengths.”
“I seriously think you should just be a passenger princess, and your wife should do the driving from now on if you’re in the car together.”
“She can’t keep her mouth shut and is downright rude about it.”
“So NTA, have a princess tiara, and enjoy your chauffeur.” ~ fergie_89
“I find it hard to believe she only behaves this way when you drive.”
“Calling you and idiot and a moron is not ok – does she say these things when you aren’t in the car?”
“Sounds like she needs anger management therapy, at the least.”
“NTA, but don’t put up with this.” ~ Maximum-Ear1745
“NTA, and your wife has serious issues with regulating herself.”
“There is no situation where it could be ok to degrade your spouse with such attitude and language.”
“Personally, that is a mad, mad situation I couldn’t imagine happening to me.”
“Let’s suppose your driving is horrendous, and it still wouldn’t be ok to curse at you!”
“When your life partner doesn’t get something right, you f**king HELP them.”
“It looks more like a power trip than anything else.” ~ rabbid_whole
“NTA. The constant negative commentary would be distracting and, hence, dangerous.”
“If your wife can not keep her opinions to herself, then she has to do all the driving.”
“My mother, who has never even sat in the driver’s seat of a car, would gasp, squeal, and tell me to watch out for other vehicles.”
“As she doesn’t like other people driving her, I had to tell that either she was quiet or she had to find someone else to take her places.”
“Now, she talks nonstop rubbish that I can block out most of the time, but it is difficult when I use the satnav.” ~ Gnarly_314
“My family will deliberately not drive with each other, even if we’re all going to the same place.”
“There’s something about being in the right space for an extended period.”
“We can end up taking two or three cars for five people just because of family dynamics.”
“I always travel with noise-canceling headphones and/or earplugs.”
“I have sensory sensitivity, but my mother… Jesus.”
“And then she can rile up my brother and send his anger through the roof.”
“And just listening to that can trigger a migraine.”
“NTA. Take care of your mental health.” ~ biddily
“NTA. Whenever I’m in the passenger seat and my partner drives, I sometimes get a little anxious if I feel like a collision or accident is close and exclaim something.”
“He isn’t a bad driver, just different from myself.”
“I always profusely apologize and really try to keep my mouth shut, but it is difficult to do all the time.” ~ melotov
“NTA- I have a policy not to drive with my husband in the car for the same reason.”
“Unless it is a long trip and he promises he’ll be asleep.”
“But that rarely happens.”
“I just let him drive, and he prefers that too.”
“Our marriage is all the better for it.” ~ Artz-RbB
“NTA. My boyfriend LOVES to yap at me from the passenger seat, and it is because he has control issues.”
“Emphasis on the part where it’s his issue, not mine.”
“I finally snapped at him and told him that it caused me a good amount of stress to drive him anywhere, even for short distances.”
“He’s the sole chauffeur these days and still yaps about how no one else knows how to drive but him and how he should’ve been a nascar driver LOL.”
“I just let him think that.”
“Passenger princess for life.” ~ bunionlovrr
“This story reminds me of my ex.” ~ darchangel89a
It may just be safer to drive separately from here on out, OP.
Even if the destination is five minutes away, that’s five minutes too much for the two of you.
Reddit is with you on this one.
Maybe you should record your wife and play back her behavior for her?
It may be time for some therapy.
Her behavior and your hurt feelings can only get worse.
Safe travels…