Driving can be a touchy subject.
Sometimes, kids and parents can't drive together because of excessive critique.
Friends have been brought to fisticuffs over "Who drove it best?"
But romantic partners and driving can be an especially stressful situation.
That's a topic that maybe should be handled before any "I do's" take place.
Redditor fossilsharkteeth wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITAH for refusing to drive if my wife is in the car?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For years after we got married, I could never figure out why I would be so angry and moody anytime my wife and I went somewhere."
"Then it finally clicked."
"I was only in a bad mood if I drove with my wife."
"My wife is the absolute worst backseat driver I have ever seen."
"Doesn't matter how I drive, she still finds things to complain about."
"Why did you go this way?"
"If you had gone that way, we would be there by now!"
"You're driving too fast!"
"You're driving too slow!"
"You could of made that light unf**kingreal!"
"That light was red, and you blew threw it!"
"Can you brake any harder, idiot!?"
"There were 17 great parking spots, and you had to choose parking spot 18, which is the absolute worst!"
"You turned your blinker on too late!"
"You turned your blinker on too early!"
"Why are you accelerating so slowly?"
"Whoa! Was it necessary to accelerate that quickly? Etc..."
"So, I have refused to drive for the past couple of years."
"I now make her do all the driving."
"And lo and behold, I'm no longer a grumpy person when we travel."
"She has now gotten upset that she now is always driving and told me I needed to at least split driving 50/50 with her."
"I told her if she could keep her opinions to herself while I was driving, then I would."
"She agreed."
"So, Last weekend I started driving."
"She couldn't even last 3 minutes without criticizing my driving."
"I pulled over and told her I was done."
"Either she takes over driving, or we're going home."
"She eventually took the wheel."
"As she muttered that I drive like a moron even though there's only one of us who has any tickets and has at fault accidents on their record and it's not me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITAH for refusing to drive if she's present?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Next time she complains, I'd start doing to her what she does to you in the car and see how she likes it."
"Sometimes people don't see their actions until it's done unto them." ~ mca2021
"NTA. I have a tendency to be a backseat driver to my partner, but not nearly to this extent."
"If he wanted to drive separately and told me the reason was because of how I treat him, it would only make me reflect on how I'm treating him."
"You need to have a serious sit-down conversation with her, outside of the car, and if she doesn't get it, then I wouldn't drive with her." ~ chestertheblackcat
"She's calling you an idiot and a moron?"
"It sounds like you came up with a perfectly reasonable solution."
"She can't complain about your driving, force you to drive, or call you names—that's not okay."
"I think you did the right thing, and you're NTA." ~ HereForTheFooodz
"Hubby and I do it somewhat often, but we have been together 16 years this year, and we're friends in high school (started dating 2 years after high school)."
"We also only do it with a sarcastic grin (hubby), cheeky poking our tongue out (me) or when the other person does something stupid (like me going to put the cold full carton of milk in the pantry instead of the fridge 🤦♀️ or when hubby can't find his phone dispite setting it up for our daughter less than 30 seconds earlier)."
"Yes, it can be abusive, but I think it has more to do with the history behind the marriage/relationship and the couple themselves to be able to determine the context."
"With the context of this post, I would say it isn't okay, and OP is NTA for not tolerating it anymore." ~ Environmental_Art591
"I wish my mom could learn from this."
"I have refused to drive in a car with my mom since 2017."
"She is the absolute worst at gasping or reaching for the oh s**t handle or putting her hands on the glove box in such a dramatic fashion when, for instance, you're slowing down from 45-40 by taking your foot off the gas."
"It's insane."
"My sister also refuses to drive with her."
"It's at the point that she almost refused to even vacation with her last year."
"If we're going somewhere, either she's driving, or we're taking separate cars and meeting there."
"All that dramatic stuff just makes me anxious and a worse driver than my actual good driving skills."
"I've been driving for 24 years, and the only wreck I've been in was from another car going through a stop sign years ago and hitting me while I had the right of way."
"Backseat drivers only cause more accidents, not less, with their antics."
"She can't understand that, though."
"It's crazy because she's not really a dramatic person normally."
"The last car wreck I was in, though?"
"Guess who was driving... lol." ~ Dangerous-Sense7488
"NTA, have you two talked about not putting each other down and not belittling each other?"
"I would never be with someone who called me an idiot." ~ control_vs_surrender
"NTA, and your wife needs some therapy or anger management, sheesh." ~ intotheshadows05
"I try really hard not to be driven by my husband."
"He tailgates."
"And is a very aggressive driver."
"So, unless I'm incapable, I'll drive."
"We got home once- with him driving- and I got out of the car and threw up."
"So never again."
"He doesn't really mind as he can then have more than one drink, but there've been a couple of times he's tried to be the driver, and I just won't get in the car."
"I'm not embarrassed to stand on the street and wait for him to get out of the driver's seat. 🤷🏼♀️" ~ JaneNotKnowing
"NTA. This hostility goes beyond backseat driving."
"She sounds like a very angry person."
"Normally, I would suggest doing the same to her when she drives, but she will not get the point."
"Throw the whole woman away." ~ tatersprout
"I'm impressed that this solution has worked for several years!"
"I would have expected the abuse to just transfer into other areas of your life once the opportunities to backseat drive stopped."
"NTA and good for you!" ~ OkDragonfly4098
"NTA, I bet this isn't the only time she's abusive." ~ Rainbow-24
"NTA. My dad was like OP's wife. Barking orders non-stop, critiquing, yelling, flinging hands, etc."
"A privileged, Type A, bully, narcissist, 'His way or no way' person."
"I bet OP's wife also criticizes other drivers non-stop."
"He broke his hip and other medical issues; I moved in to help him."
"After a week with me driving him everywhere every day (Type A), I told him, 'Critique me once, one warning, if you do it again, we are turning around for home and will not go anywhere.'"
"Next day, 'Watch my mailbox!' DAD!' : One more and we aren't going anywhere today.'"
"Less than 8 houses down the street, 'Slow Down, there is a STOP sign ahead!'"
"I calmly said, 'We are turning around at the STOP sign and going back home, I'm not driving you.'"
"He begged, he threatened, I didn't say a word, came back to his house, got him inside the house safely, then sat down."
"I've had ONE ticket in over 50 years."
"I rushed through a yellow light, and it turned red."
"I have never caused an accident."
"I so HEAR what OP is saying, it is maddening to be in the car with someone like that."
"This is what CAUSES accidents, in my opinion." ~ NCKALA
"NTA, this is abusive behavior."
"If you're feeling petty, ask how many points she has on her license, but that's a sure way to start a fight." ~ TheMiniMonster23
"The way she treats you when you're driving is not acceptable."
"She's rude, disrespectful, and condescending to you."
"This needs a much bigger conversation outside of the car."
"I wouldn't just stop driving either, her."
"For me, that would be a huge problem."
"I can't stay with someone who behaves like this." ~ MajorAd2679
"Your wife is, though."
"My husband is a crap driver and he admits it fully."
"Took him 5 goes to pass his test."
"I love him but hate his driving, but I keep quiet when he does drive (other than telling him to go up a gear or get his foot off the clutch because it ruins the car)."
"I am never nasty or rude about it, though."
"So I do the majority of driving."
"We both have cars that we own individually."
"When I'm not with him, he can do what he wants, but he ends up having expensive repairs required."
"While my car is older, it is in better shape."
"Straight and long roads he's fine, but when we go to the lake District etc and it's country roads I take over."
"Works well for us, and we never fight about it; we each have our strengths."
"I seriously think you should just be a passenger princess, and your wife should do the driving from now on if you're in the car together."
"She can't keep her mouth shut and is downright rude about it."
"So NTA, have a princess tiara, and enjoy your chauffeur." ~ fergie_89
"I find it hard to believe she only behaves this way when you drive."
"Calling you and idiot and a moron is not ok - does she say these things when you aren't in the car?"
"Sounds like she needs anger management therapy, at the least."
"NTA, but don't put up with this." ~ Maximum-Ear1745
"NTA, and your wife has serious issues with regulating herself."
"There is no situation where it could be ok to degrade your spouse with such attitude and language."
"Personally, that is a mad, mad situation I couldn't imagine happening to me."
"Let's suppose your driving is horrendous, and it still wouldn't be ok to curse at you!"
"When your life partner doesn't get something right, you f**king HELP them."
"It looks more like a power trip than anything else." ~ rabbid_whole
"NTA. The constant negative commentary would be distracting and, hence, dangerous."
"If your wife can not keep her opinions to herself, then she has to do all the driving."
"My mother, who has never even sat in the driver's seat of a car, would gasp, squeal, and tell me to watch out for other vehicles."
"As she doesn't like other people driving her, I had to tell that either she was quiet or she had to find someone else to take her places."
"Now, she talks nonstop rubbish that I can block out most of the time, but it is difficult when I use the satnav." ~ Gnarly_314
"My family will deliberately not drive with each other, even if we're all going to the same place."
"There's something about being in the right space for an extended period."
"We can end up taking two or three cars for five people just because of family dynamics."
"I always travel with noise-canceling headphones and/or earplugs."
"I have sensory sensitivity, but my mother... Jesus."
"And then she can rile up my brother and send his anger through the roof."
"And just listening to that can trigger a migraine."
"NTA. Take care of your mental health." ~ biddily
"NTA. Whenever I'm in the passenger seat and my partner drives, I sometimes get a little anxious if I feel like a collision or accident is close and exclaim something."
"He isn't a bad driver, just different from myself."
"I always profusely apologize and really try to keep my mouth shut, but it is difficult to do all the time." ~ melotov
"NTA- I have a policy not to drive with my husband in the car for the same reason."
"Unless it is a long trip and he promises he'll be asleep."
"But that rarely happens."
"I just let him drive, and he prefers that too."
"Our marriage is all the better for it." ~ Artz-RbB
"NTA. My boyfriend LOVES to yap at me from the passenger seat, and it is because he has control issues."
"Emphasis on the part where it's his issue, not mine."
"I finally snapped at him and told him that it caused me a good amount of stress to drive him anywhere, even for short distances."
"He's the sole chauffeur these days and still yaps about how no one else knows how to drive but him and how he should've been a nascar driver LOL."
"I just let him think that."
"Passenger princess for life." ~ bunionlovrr
"This story reminds me of my ex." ~ darchangel89a
It may just be safer to drive separately from here on out, OP.
Even if the destination is five minutes away, that's five minutes too much for the two of you.
Reddit is with you on this one.
Maybe you should record your wife and play back her behavior for her?
It may be time for some therapy.
Her behavior and your hurt feelings can only get worse.
Safe travels...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp