There's no denying that babies bring endless joy to parents.
There's also no denying that babies bring an equal amount of frustration.
As there is simply no planning around a baby.
Specifically, when they will sleep, when they'll need their diaper changed, or when they need to be fed.
Redditor and mother of four Professional-Scar840 was invited on a vacation with her in-laws.
However, the original poster (OP) was less than excited about going on this vacation, as her in-laws planned on enforcing a rule regarding the OP and her baby.
While the OP's husband felt she needed to give in, the OP considered skipping this vacation altogether.
Concerned she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to only nurse in my bedroom on family trip?"
The OP explained why she and her baby found themselves at odds with her in-laws:
"Long story- I'm a mother of four including a 3 month old."
"A few weeks ago I went out to lunch with my family and in laws for my brother in law's birthday."
"As soon as the food came my baby got fussy so I spent the lunch walking around the outside of the restaurant while she napped."
"When she woke up I came back in and started to nurse her."
"My in laws and family got up and left the restaurant."
"I had to leave without even eating."
"We are now supposed to be going on a beach vacation with in laws."
"I told my husband I was unsure about going since it seemed like his family had a problem with me nursing."
"My husband called his parents and they said that the family had been talking and had decided I'd only be allowed to nurse in the bedroom during the beach trip."
"I was hurt by my family talking about this amongst themselves."
"I also feel it's unfair for me to have to be isolated from my kids and everyone else to nurse my baby."
"My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable and should give into his family's demand."
"He said he will resent me if I don't."
"Am I the a**hole for not going?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for possibly skipping her family vacation if she was forced to breastfeed in her room.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP's family was being insensitive and ignorant, and were shocked that the OP's husband wasn't putting up more of a fight on her behalf as she was thinking of the best interest of their child:
"Tell your husband that you will resent him for telling you where you can and can't feed your child!"
"Then I would start setting his dinner place in the bathroom."
"He can eat on the toilet!"
"Or maybe on the tool bench in the garage."
"Or the shed in the backyard!"
"NTA."- Valuable-Release-868
"'The family had been talking and had decided I'd only be allowed to nurse in the bedroom during the beach trip'."
"Oh, DID they now?"
"Their Majesties have spoken!"
"Everyone must bow to their command!"
"'My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable and should give in to his family's demand. He said he will resent me if I don't'."
"You actually don't have an in-law problem."
"You have a husband problem."
"You are NTA, but the one thing that puzzles me about this story is that this baby is not your first child."
"It's your fourth."
"Are the other three children also your husband's, or are they from a prior relationship?"
"Because I'm puzzled why this conflict is only coming up now, with your fourth baby, rather than years ago with your first."
"I'd really like to know the answer to that last question, because I'm getting a 'timid new mom, awkward around the in-laws' vibe from OP's story, which doesn't fit with this being her fourth child."
"My own mother had lots of children, and by the time she was up to her fourth, she was very comfortable in the role."
"She was a naturally modest type and always nursed discreetly, with her back to other people or a cloth draped over the baby."
"Even so, if anyone had tried to banish her to another room - well, she might have done that with the first baby."
"But by the fourth?"
"She'd have told them to kick rocks."
"And this was back in the 1960s, when people were less enlightened about public breastfeeding than they are now."- ThisWillAgeWell
"NTA."
"People need to stop sexualizing breastfeeding!"
"Also, only nursing in the bedroom, are they kidding me?"
"Newborns nurse every three hours... what, is she supposed to starve?"
"Are you gonna be locked up in a room like it's 1800?"
"You definitely have a husband problem."
"He should be standing up both for you and baby girl!"- Dry_Response4914
"Done deal."
"You agree to eat in the bedroom if everyone else on the trip agrees to also eat in the bedrooms, isolated and shamed."
'And your husband can eat outside the house; very, very far away from you, right where his support and partnership for you can be found."
"You are NTA, but this whole family sounds like they need to be taken out to the curb along with the rest of the refuse."
"That includes your husband."
"What an AH."
"If you're in the states, your right to nurse is protected on the federal level."
"If the government can recognize your baby should be allowed to eat, not cooped up in a hole somewhere, why can't your husband?"- Impossible_Smile4113
"Stay home."
"Your husband is not being supportive of his family-and I'm not talking about your in-laws."
"YOU and YOUR KIDS are his family now."
"NTA."- whynotbecause88
"NTA."
"If they don't want you to nurse outside the bedroom, do they prefer your baby to starve?"
"F' em."
"Go on holiday without them."
"You don't need that stress, and neither does your baby."
"Your husband needs to grow a pair."- EnjoysAGoodRead
"NTA."
"That is a completely unreasonable ask."
"You also have a husband problem."
"He should be defending your right to nurse anywhere and any time you need to."
"The fact that he is suggesting you accede to this request tells me that your in-laws are the least of your issues."- No-Assignment5538
"NTA."
"Your husband needs to grow a spine."
"You can nurse your baby anywhere you please, and if they don't like it then they don't need to see the baby."- justhewayouare
"NTA."
"The fact that you're actively keeping the baby from starving to death shouldn't be a problem, and frankly, it's concerning that they're putting conditions on a baby eating."
"At that point, it's not even about you breastfeeding, but that they aren't allowing the baby to eat."
"What are you going to do?"
"Drive back to the hotel anytime the baby needs to eat?"
"Also, congrats on the baby!"- Ur-Gayest-Nightmare
"NTA."
"You'll resent the hell out of your husband if you do go and give in to his family's BS."- Anxious-Routine-5526
"Well never have another kid with your husband."
"If he prioritizes his family's WEIRD issue over his kid's EATING, he is an a**hole."
"What if you all are out at a restaurant while on vacation?"
"Your baby screaming for food... what are you supposed to do?"
"I hope you have a job that can support you and the baby."
"This doesn't sound like a good situation."
"NTA."- K_A_irony
"Your in-laws' opinion is garbage, and your husband won't defend you."
"He's telling you that his family's opinion is more important to him than are you OR your baby."
"Your decision not to go is both understandable and reasonable."
"NTA - and I wish you luck."- wesmorgan1
"Saying 'we all talked among ourselves and decided this is how YOU are going to behave' is f*cking crazy."
"NTA."- PromiseThomas
"Easy compromise."
"They go in the bedroom while you nurse."
"Problem solved."
"NTA."- thisisgettingdaft
"NTA."
"Only weirdos and creeps have issues with someone breastfeeding in public."- smol9749been
"NTA."
"I would not go if I was you."
"He would resent you?"
"I'd resent the hell out of him for even thinking it was ok to act like that in the first place."
"The moment he said he would resent you would have been the moment I decided not to go."
"F that."
"How about he supports his wife, who is still recovering from giving birth."- TheDarkHelmet1985
Mothers nurse to ensure the health and comfort of their infant child.
The OP's in-laws and husband should consider this, perhaps leading them to thank her for taking care of their baby and grandchild, rather than shaming her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp