When you marry someone, their past comes with you. But sometimes, their ties to that past can be just a bit too tight.
A woman on Reddit found herself in this dilemma when her fiancé’s family wouldn’t stop talking about his ex-girlfriend. When she got upset about it, drama ensued.
So she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by DarkRaven4012 on the site, asked:
“AITA For Being Visibly Upset My Fiancé’s Family Constantly Brings Up His Ex?”
She explained:
“Me (30F[emale]) my fiancé (33M[ale]) together for 6yrs. I was severely abused as a child, resulting in OCD/Depression/Anxiety, + currently tested for Bipolar. So I’m very shy in most situations.”
“I’ve met two of my fiancé’s ex’s, and both times he didn’t tell me who they were. 1st time I worked for her friend + ex came into the shop. The 2nd time, his ex (fake name: Laura) is now my SIL’s good friend I met at a family event.”
“In both scenarios it was very likely I’d run into them, so I feel like a heads up was justified. We spoke about it then, he apologized, but I definitely hold a little resentment.”
“My issue is Laura’s been mentioned at every family gathering for years.”
“In my family, ex’s are not talked about consistently like that in front of new partners. Well it happened again, and I was apparently visibly upset upon hearing Laura’s name.”
“Truthfully it was more about my newly found inability to have children + them talking about Laura’s new baby.”
“My fiancé was mad, brought it up days after + said I didn’t know how ‘gross’ it was to him to see me react that way, and his sister was really mad/disappointed in me.”
“This is the first time they’ve noticed me upset about it. I feel I would have been overreacting if I was rude, or tried to impose some kind of insane rule about not saying her name, but all I did was look a bit upset after years of this.”
“I also realize I can’t expect everyone to stop talking about babies, but I feel there could be a little understanding that at the very least I wouldn’t like to hear about his ex’s new baby.”
“So, AITA?”
Folks on Reddit were then asked to judge who is in the wrong in this situation using the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
They were pretty firmly on OP’s side—and many weren’t quite sure marrying her fiancé was the best idea.
“NTA, but are you sure your fiancé is the guy for you? You sound very sensitive, and he sounds incredibly insensitive. Is this the storyline you want for the rest of your life?” —Weskit
“They can both die angry. They are faced with your feelings for the first time and can’t handle it? That’s their problem.”
“Important question, what keeps you with this guy? Because it feels like maybe you wasted your 20’s with the wrong guy.” —biggestsigh
“NTA”
“I get that ‘Laura’ is still a friend of the family, but your boyfriend seems very insensitive to your existing and newly discovered health issues.”
“What kind of man tells his wife to be that her being upset is ‘gross to him’, especially under the circumstances.”
“Honestly, I think you need someone who is more mindful of your health and situation and doesn’t think that people getting upset is gross. He seems more worried about his sister being ‘mad/disappointed’ than he is about you.”
“You deserve better, cut your losses before this goes further. I can’t image getting married is somehow going to turn him into someone with a modicum of sensitivity (rather than the AH he is now).”
“You need time to deal with your own issues and not be undermined by having his family banging on about the ex and her new baby.” —Neither_March4000
“I mean the fiancé and sil are kind of aholes. To tell your partner you’re disgusted to see them upset when you know exactly what they are going through is so, well, disgusting.”
“She didn’t even do anything it was just her facial expression which a lot of people can’t control. Especially during an emotional time (like learning you can’t have kids). So her fiancé is definitely at the very least, a dick in this scenario. He’s also a dick for not mentioning they were his exes. That’s messed up.” —unintentionaldespair
“NTA. Your fiance’s family is being disrespectful to you by going on about his ex in front of you. If him and his family are acting like this, you might want to pump the brakes on the wedding.” —NachoPeligroso
“NTA”
“I am also struggling infertility (4 years this week) and it recently stopped upsetting me when people talk about babies. I still field the hell out of social media posts. He’s a jerk to be so insensitive. Quiet frankly, you deserve a partner who cares about your mental wellbeing when it comes to his exes. I triple that sentiment when it comes to your fertility struggles.”
“And, it’s so so hard but it gets easier. Time will never fully heal it but life moves forward and you will too even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.” —PaleoGirl94
“NTA, doesn’t seem like you over reacted at all. I’d feel the same way, especially given your newfound situation. Not only are they bringing up the ex, but bringing up babies in general would be insensitive I’d say (assuming they know about your situation).” —someb*tchwhocares
“NTA. Sorry to hear about your news, and if they both knew about it they absolutely should not have been so callous and careless.”
“You don’t seem to be compatible with BF or his family if this is how they treat people, and knowing about your depression and anxiety – they should be more thoughtful and understanding. You’re allowed to feel how you want.” —ADG1983
Hopefully OP and her fiancé can get this all worked out before they get married.