Being forgetful is a common thing.
The older people get, the more we forget.
But some people just have no sense.
While others are careless or constantly don't pay attention.
Those actions can make people who care about those people feel like servants because they're always responsible for caretaking capable people.
Case in point...
Redditor No-Cranberry6043 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to grab whatever my wife forgets in the car?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife can be a little forgetful in general, but she has the habit of sending me to the car to grab something that she forgets pretty much every time we go somewhere."
"It is usually her purse, but there have been other items as well."
"This happens like 99% of the time."
"On Saturday, we went out to eat and she left her purse in the car."
"I went and got it."
"When we got home, she forgot it in the car again."
"At this point, I flatly refused to do it anymore and have stuck to it since then."
"Yesterday we went to her family for dinner, when she forgot it in the car again, and I refused again."
"She got a bit huffy with me but went and got it."
"By the end of the night, she and her sister were laying into me about it not being a big deal."
"And how I should be willing to grab something she forgot."
"I don't disagree if it was occasionally but am tired of doing it every time."
"AITA or does she need to start remembering her stuff?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - Maybe her going to the car when she forgets things will help jog her memory in the future." ~ FormulaZR
"Yep, this is how we get our 8-year-old to remember to turn lights off."
"By regularly interrupting his playtime etc, to ask him to turn it off."
"It takes a few times but builds the good habit. NTA." ~ Cloielle
"I dated a guy who refused to ever bring a bag or wear a backpack but whenever we left the house, would inevitably make me put his giant water bottle, wallet, keys, etc... into my bag throughout the day."
"I finally started refusing, and it only took a couple of times of him carrying his own belongings to start to bring his own bag."
"NTA, I'd dig my heels in too." ~ Spaceman_fan
"Agreed NTA."
"Also, if the wife and her sister think it's not a big deal, why isn't she getting it herself without getting huffy?"
"What a ridiculous thing to expect someone to do constantly." ~ HardKnocksSam
"I doubt she's forgetting."
"She leaves it there and then expects OP to fetch it for her when she needs it."
"I would start asking her if she has her purse and anything else she needs before leaving the car."
"If she gets annoyed enough, she might stop treating him as a Golden Retriever. NTA." ~ babcock27
"Agree... and if it's not a big deal, then she should not mind getting it."
"It's funny how she and her sister are saying it's no big deal while complaining about not getting it."
"Look at the sister and tell her to do it. NTA." ~ Agile_Salary_9280
"It's nice when a partner will go get my phone out of the car."
"It isn't expected."
"I mostly ask when my shoes are already off, and theirs are on."
"It is nice when they do things for you, especially if acts of service are part of their love language deal."
"Like once my mom is home, she hates going to the store, but my dad doesn't mind so he will go for her or himself."
"But some people like to go together or order in."
"But if they don't want to, they don't want to, and it stops being a sweet thing you do that is appreciated by your partner and an obligation then I wouldn't want to do it, especially if there is a sister berating me too."
"It would bother me if we have done this for years, and all of a sudden he is all angry about it when I thought it was a way to show me I am special to them."
"That would make me think they don't think I'm special anymore."
"A sudden change is often an indication of a problem or loss of love and respect." ~ Mundane-Currency5088
"NTA. Just don't be TA in how you're declining to retrieve her forgotten item."
"I would handle it the same way I'd handle my kid doing this (but only because she's acting childish about it)."
"'When you forget one of your items in the car, you need to be the one to go retrieve it.'"
"And then just calmly repeat that on broken record if she whines or objects." ~ Visual_Humor_2838
"NTA. It's not even about teaching her a lesson—why in the world are you the default person to go get her stuff?"
"Why should you get sh*t for not wanting to do something she can do just as easily herself?"
"Does she have a physical problem in addition to a mental problem?" ~ bigcup321
"I thought this was going to be like...'I saw that my wife had left something in the car, but I didn't grab it,' not a whole trip back to the car for something forgotten."
"NTA. It's her job to remember her purse."
"What would she do if you weren't there?" ~ Particular_Title42
"NTA. If it's so frequent that you say it's 'every time,' it's a power move."
"Most likely subconscious, but with the way she and her sister reacted, it might not be subconscious because they seemed to overreact to the situation." ~ rbrancher2
"NTA - or did I miss the part where she employs you as her personal assistant or has some kind of issue where physical movement is a problem for her?"
"Otherwise, it's her stuff and, therefore, her responsibility." ~ SunshineShoulders87
"Info: Does your wife have a disability? Do you have children?"
"NTA based on OP's answer."
"The wife is just as capable as OP to get her purse, or better yet, remember it in the first place."
"It's unreasonable for her to get mad, especially when she is the cause of the problem in the first place." ~ UteLawyer
"NTA. Goodness, she needs an attitude adjustment."
"You are not her serf."
"I hope she doesn't have anything important in that purse because if she is that forgetful, she must leave it in a lot of places."
"Or - if she doesn't - then this is some weird powerplay by her on you." ~ TempyIsMyName
"NTA. Why is it your job to compensate for her forgetfulness?"
"If she is forced to go back and retrieve the forgotten items each time, it will help her to remember."
"When reusable grocery bags were first a thing, I kept forgetting to bring mine in the store."
"So I would have the groceries bagged in paper and make a note to remember the next time, but this never worked."
"Finally, I decided if I forgot them, I had to load up my purchased groceries with no bags and bag them myself once I got to the car."
"I did this a few times and never forgot them again." ~ JeepersCreepers74
"NTA if she's just hanging out on the couch."
"Maybe TA if she's like giving the children baths and cleaning the kitchen, and you're just watching TV or something."
"If you're equally doing things, then she can ask you as a favor, but it makes sense for you to say no if you want to."
"And if she does this a ton, it may help her to remember if she has to get it herself." ~ cloud_watcher
"NTA. Why can't she grab what she forgot?"
"Seriously, sounds like her problem."
"Not a you problem."
"If I forget something and someone is nice enough to grab it for me, great!"
"Otherwise, it's absolutely my responsibility to either get it myself or leave it where it sits." ~ Foggy_Radish
"NTA, you are not her valet. You are her husband."
"A couple of times, sure, you can be chivalrous and get it for her."
"If it's 3-4 times a day, every day, you might as well be enabling her."
"Take a stand, my friend." ~ Maleficent_Owl9248
NTA. If she's that prone to forgetting, she needs more pockets, a belt bag, and/or less stuff.
"Seriously. She's the forgetful one."
"She's physically capable, so why doesn't she go out to the car if it's not such a big deal?"
"What kind of an immature power play is she making?"
"Is she trying to prove to others that she has you under her control?" ~ KappaSigma1942
"NTA. If it's not a big deal then she is perfectly capable of going back and taking whatever she forgets."
"This is not a cute thing, it seems like she is on a power trip actually and her sister is of course backing her up."
"When you are not around, who becomes her fetch boy then?" ~ Responsible_Hope_831
OP returned with more info...
"To answer common questions."
"She is not physically disabled in any way."
"She does not have A[ttention]-d[eficit]/h[yperactivity] d[isorder]."
"She is almost never doing anything when she asks me to go."
"We are both mid-20s."
"Why do I not remind her to grab?"
"It isn't my purse."
"I am not responsible for it and I don't think about it until I am asked to go get it."
Well, OP, Reddit sounds like it has your back.
You're not a servant.
You're a partner.
You're trying to make a point.
Give it time.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp