Keeping secrets can be very difficult.
Not everybody has the ability to hold them in.
Which makes planning surprises especially difficult.
Surprise parties, in particular, take meticulous planning.
It only takes one person to blow it all up.
Redditor DaschHamschta wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for revealing that the baby shower surprise had already been ruined?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi Reddit, this is my first time posting here, and English isn't my first language, but I really need your judgment."
"I (F[emale] 25) was invited to the baby shower of my partner's S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] (F 28)."
"I'll call her Jenny."
"The surprise party was organized by her best friend (Melli) through a WhatsApp group."
"I didn't know anyone there.'
"The surprise was planned for today in the late morning at Jenny's apartment."
"Her husband was supposed to distract her, and her mom (Sandy) was going to let us in quickly."
"Last night, Jenny's family invited us to dinner."
"It was nice at first."
"Good food, but the restaurant was very loud."
"After eating, my partner and I went outside for a quick smoke."
"I went back to the table, and he stayed briefly at the bar with his brother and his F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] (Mike)."
"When he came back, he told me Mike had accidentally let it slip to Jenny that the baby shower was happening today, and Sandy was yelling at him for it."
"I could actually hear her shouting across the room."
"When they came back to the table, Sandy and Mike were still arguing."
"She accused him of spilling the secret while drunk, and he kept saying he didn't know it was a secret."
"I wanted to be honest and warn the girls, so I wrote the following in the group (translated in English)..."
"'Um… Let's put it this way… It wasn't me, but Jenny knows. Her dad let it slip while 'slightly drunk' 😅 Sandy is really angry 😅 Just wanted to let you all know.'"
"Everyone in the group reacted with humor, except Melli, who said it was a pity but thanked me for telling them."
"Today at the shower, everything seemed fine at first."
"Later, Melli and some other girls pulled me aside."
"Melli told me she'd messaged Sandy last night: 'Hey, I just heard Mike told Jenny about the baby shower. I'm honestly really sad because I put so much effort into making it a surprise. I'm a bit upset.'"
"Sandy replied, calling me a 'stupid b----,' then deleted it."
"After that, she told Melli to 'send my regards' to me and said I'm a stupid person and she's very angry with me."
"This morning, before I arrived, Sandy again called me a b---- in front of several people and admitted in anger that she didn't tell Mike that the party was a surprise."
"Now, Jenny, Sandy, Jenny's sister, and even partly Mike are mad at me for 'revealing the betrayal'… basically, for telling the group that Jenny already knew."
"I didn't mean to badmouth Mike, I just wanted to be honest and warn the girls."
"But now I'm apparently the villain."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit: AITA for revealing that the baby shower surprise had already been ruined?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"So... Sandy didn't think to tell Mike that the party was a surprise, but you're a 'stupid b----' for letting people know that he spilled the beans?!"
"Sounds like she's embarrassed and deflecting because she screwed up."
"What does your partner think?"
"Like, it might have been tactful to check with Jenny, 'How do you want to play this? Would you like me/your sister to message and give people a little heads-up that you know, or do you reckon you can convincingly fake being surprised?'"
"But it sounds like you were acting in good faith to try to minimise any drama?"
"So NTA!" ~ Useful_Language2040
"NTA. You didn't ruin the surprise."
"Someone else did."
"All you did was let them know that the surprise was ruined."
"That was a reasonable thing to do."
"You didn't do it in a judgmental way." ~ Wild_Ticket1413
"Yeah, I don't understand all these comments that OP was creating drama by telling everyone that it was no longer a surprise."
"How I deal with a surprise party to a non-surprise is different, and I would want a heads up to not bother parking around the block, and that I don't have to be stressed to be so exactly on time (not too early or too late)."
"I dislike surprise parties in general, but I will follow all the unspoken rules if I'm invited to one."
"Knowing that is no longer happening is a good thing." ~ TheBlueMenace
"Holy cow!!"
"That family is nuts!!!"
"No, you are NTA, but it appears that the family is full of them."
"I would steer clear of them as much as possible."
"They're a train wreck. NTA." ~ mama_d63
"It wasn't your responsibility to warn the girls, even if your intentions were good."
"Even if Jenny knew, she probably would have feigned surprise."
"Your warning served no good purpose."
"You should have kept your mouth shut." ~ Ordinary-Audience363
"NTA, you shared facts…"
"Also, Sandy is an absolute dumba**, and the blame starts and stops there."
"She didn't tell Mike it was a secret, so how the hell would he know that saying anything aloud would blow things up, and Jenny and her sis have literally no reason to be mad at you." ~ Busy-Suspect-6278
"NTA. I'm not even sure why anyone is mad at you."
"You didn't do anything."
"Edit... with my other comment for better visibility."
"I still think it was all more of a misunderstanding and that there was no need to cause further scandal at the baby shower."
"That's where I see an issue."
"I feel like the others are just embarrassed that they were arguing in public like that and that she told people about it."
"Which is fine, ok, but don't go making a scene at the baby shower."
"If you're that mad at her, just uninvite her."
"In the end, I don't think she intended to gossip or trash-talk anyone; she just wanted to say what happened honestly to the best of her knowledge."
"I don't think she is an a**hole for that."
"Maybe mildly rude at best."
"Certainly not worthy of publicly being called a b at someone else's baby shower." ~ Hunter_Wild
"NTA. Sounds like all this is entirely the fault of Sandy, the mother of the pregnant woman."
"She is either totally incompetent or deliberately sabotaged the event."
"Any normal person would have warned everyone else that it was a secret."
"Not sure why you're being used as the sacrificial lamb here.'
"You sure you want to be in this family?" ~ Familiar_Shock_1542
"People aren't able to cope with their own f**k ups and love finding a scapegoat."
"Unfortunately, by inserting yourself, you made yourself available for that spot."
"NTA, it's a sh*tty situation you didn't need to be in."
"That doesn't mean you shouldn't have done it, but you did insert yourself into someone else's family drama, and this is a consequence of that."
"The only way to know this will happen is if you're actively going around trying to assess people's emotional maturity, which isn't a thing most people do."
"Sorry for getting the shirt stuck here." ~ 2oldbutnotenough
"NTA. I don't understand why the anger isn't directed at Mike."
"You know, the ACTUAL person who ruined the surprise.'
"Good thing these are all people you won't have to see on a regular basis."
"I agree that Sandy is also an a-hole for not communicating with Mike 'officially' about the shower being a surprise."
"But, it's 2025, and I will not be making excuses for grown men not knowing important family information."
"This very clearly was an important family event."
"As the father of the mother to be, he should have been involved/aware enough to have known even without needing to be 'told.'" ~ StrengthKey5912
"This is messed up."
"Did he tell Jenny or not?"
"If he did, then I don't see why anyone is mad at you."
"And take it from me, most people hate surprise showers, especially at their own place."
"Invasion of privacy."
"Like my place would be a disaster, then everyone shows up and judges that, and more filth after."
"Plus the extra resources that I would actually be paying for."
"It should have been held somewhere else, and no surprise needed."
"On mine, I had a big work event celebration and was on my way to that when I had to be pulled back to go to the shower and was chastised for going to a work event over a surprise shower, even though I didn't know about it. NTA." ~ Josie_F
"NTA… It sounds like people are being awfully petty and blaming the wrong person!"
"S**t happens!"
"They need to accept what happened and move on!!!"
"Life is too short for such nonsense!" ~ Secret-Alfalfa-5411
"NTA, and I think a surprise baby shower is a bad idea anyway."
"Most women aren't feeling their best when Pregnant, want to look cute when pictures are being taken, etc." ~ blackcherrytomato
"This comment section has got to be full of bots because this is a clear case of NTA."
"You didn't spill the beans, Mike did."
"And it was Sandy's fault."
"You have no blame here, and I'd honestly be considering stepping out of this social circle cause it's beyond ridiculous that people are upset with you." ~ blacbird
"NTA. These people sound exhausting." ~ octropos
What a messy situation, OP.
This woman has no right to call you those names.
That is horrible behavior.
Reddit has your back.
Watch out for this group.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp