There are countless examples online of brides valuing their wedding aesthetic above all else, and it definitely goes too far sometimes.
But when a bride and her family are obviously homophobic, that makes the wedding planning all the worse, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Ashamed-Salad7961 tried to be as supportive of his older sister and her upcoming wedding, as she was getting married soon, but it was hard, knowing that his family was not totally supportive of him being gay.
But when his sister gave everyone a plus-one but him so that he couldn't bring his boyfriend, the Original Poster (OP) knew this wasn't the wedding for him to attend.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my sister I won't be her 'gay accessory' at her wedding after she uninvited my boyfriend?"
The OP was trying to be there for his sister, even if his family wasn't there for him.
"I (19 Male) have been out to my family for a few years. It hasn't been the easiest, but we've settled into a mostly 'don't ask, don't tell' kind of peace, which sucks, but it's better than fighting."
"My older sister, Megan (25 Female), is getting married in a few months, and I've been genuinely trying to be the best little brother ever."
"I've spent weekends helping her with DIY decorations, running errands, and listening to her vent about everything from the catering to the flowers."
"All along, she's known that I have a boyfriend, Alex (19 Male). We've been together for over a year, he's my first serious relationship, and he's my whole world."
"Megan had told me from the start that, of course, Alex would be my plus-one. I was so excited to finally bring him to a big family event and have him officially meet everyone."
But then the bride changed her mind.
"Well, last night Megan called me, sounding super stressed. One of her bridesmaids had to drop out for personal reasons."
"Then she got this really excited tone in her voice and said, 'I have the perfect solution! You can be my bridesman! You'd look so cute in a tux, and it would be so modern and cool!'"
"I was honestly flattered and said I'd love to. Then I asked, 'So, where will Alex sit during the ceremony since I'll be standing up front?'"
"There was a long pause. Then Megan said, 'Oh. Well, about that. It doesn't really work for a bridesman to have a date walking in. And besides, we're so over budget, we're having to cut all non-essential guests. Since he's not family... we just can't accommodate him anymore.'"
"I was confused. I asked her, 'Are the other bridesmaids' boyfriends and husbands uninvited too?'"
"She said, 'Of course not, that's different. It would just look weird and unbalanced for you to be in the party and have a boyfriend there. People will be confused.'"
The OP no longer felt welcome at the wedding.
"I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. After everything, Alex was being reduced to 'not essential' and a source of confusion."
"I told her, 'So my relationship is less valid than theirs? You just want me to stand up there and be your gay accessory, but you don't want the actual 'gay' part of my life to be visible?'"
"She completely lost it. She said I was being dramatic, selfish, and trying to make her wedding all about my sexuality. She said it was 'just one day' and I should do this for my family."
"I told her that if my family doesn't include Alex, then it doesn't include me either. I said I wouldn't be her prop, and since my partner wasn't welcome, then I wouldn't be coming to the wedding at all."
"Now, my parents are calling me non-stop, telling me I've broken my sister's heart and that I'm tearing the family apart over nothing. My dad said I need to learn that 'sometimes you have to make small sacrifices for the people you love.'"
"But this doesn't feel like a small sacrifice. It feels like being told that my love is conditional and only acceptable when it's convenient for them."
"AITAH for refusing to go to my sister's wedding?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that this invitation was problematic.
"I could understand if none of the groomsmen or bridesmaids had a 'plus one.' But if they do, then you have every right to be upset." - InterviewAware1129
"If any of them have a plus one that isn't a spouse, then she's being a hypocrite. Telling me I've broken my sister's heart and that I'm tearing the family apart over nothing... Are they telling his sister that she's tearing the family apart over something that isn't a big deal?" - mca2021
"At first I was thinking, 'Okay, no plus one's for the bridal party unless they are married. I've seen that before. The rationale makes sense since for the bridal party, the wedding is a full-day affair where they'll be separated from the plus one anyways. Saves costs."
"But to find out that it's only a rule for OP, no, that's bulls**t." - 1ecstatic_company
"NTA. The fact that the other bridesmaids get to bring their male partners, but you don't, tells you everything you need to know about how your sister actually sees you."
"The most charitable reading of this is that she's just really scared of Alex's presence starting drama with other homophobic family members, and if that's the case, she would have been 1000 times better off just saying that directly rather than trying to downplay the significance of what she was asking, which just makes it all worse."
"(I'm gay, if that matters.)" - MotherTeresaOnlyfans
"(I'm straight, if that matters.)"
"Sis of OP just lost her brother over her behaviour."
"First, boyfriend/girlfriend/date/friend/who cares who you want to bring as your plus one to the wedding? This does not need to be a national announcement. Be happy your guest is bringing someone to help celebrate your day whose company they enjoy. More friends."
"Second, 'it's just one day and she can do this for the family.' Invite Alex specifically and give him the plus one so he can bring OP. That's the only way this gets fixed." - Ok-Professional2468
Others reassured the OP that his sister was the problem, not the OP.
"OP has every right to stand his ground. She hurt him, and now she's acting like OP is the problem? That's not how love or family works."
"OP's parents need to hear the truth loud and clear. OP didn't do anything wrong, and he shouldn't have to stay silent while someone tries to rewrite the story." - Shaunee06
"Tell the parents that if not having your spouse/partner there isn't that big a deal, then mom can stay home so Alex can go and not put them over budget. I mean, dad's walking her down the aisle, but it's not like mom is actually doing anything." - __wildwing__
"They're saying you have to make sacrifices for the people you love. You are. You are sacrificing going to the wedding for the person you love, which is your boyfriend. NTA. Sending you hugs." - DrVL2
"NTA."
"This is blatant homophobia. We're all victims of this at some point. Everyone wants the gay best friend, but without the gay parts. We're basically downgraded to pets that should be SOOO grateful for being allowed to even exist and attend any events at all."
"Honestly, you should just ghost them. You're completely right about this. She doesn't love the real you. She loves the free labor and aesthetic. That's about it." - fiestastan3
"If I'm playing devil's advocate, the only thing that makes sense is saying that 'teenage love rarely lasts these days, they should be cut before more mature couples," but that's it."
"If she wants the gay glitter and wokeness stamp, she needs to pay up for it too in respect!"
"I'm straight and female, and I don't think we really think about the 'history' of the gay best friend trope."
"The best friends and girlfriends used to be the only protection available for many young gay men in environments that were extremely hostile and outright dangerous. Becoming someones' accessory was often the only way to get some protection and to ward off loneliness."
"Sometimes the girlies were actual friends and good parts of young gay boys' lives, but I'm also sure there's been A LOT of toxic 'friendships' where the guys had to suck it up to not be ousted. It's still a trope today where real humans are objectified and turned into things with branding value."
"I would definitely understand why the entire trope is a red flag for gay men, and with good reason. It's OK for them to weed out the 'puppy owners' and stick with true allies and those allies? They'll let them bring a plus one!" - Thedonkeyforcer
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset and reassured him that he should be treated the same way as the rest of the wedding party.
If the bride wasn't willing to do that, then she didn't need such a large wedding party.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp