There are countless examples online of brides valuing their wedding aesthetic above all else, and it definitely goes too far sometimes.
But when a bride and her family are obviously homophobic, that makes the wedding planning all the worse, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Ashamed-Salad7961 tried to be as supportive of his older sister and her upcoming wedding, as she was getting married soon, but it was hard, knowing that his family was not totally supportive of him being gay.
But when his sister gave everyone a plus-one but him so that he couldn’t bring his boyfriend, the Original Poster (OP) knew this wasn’t the wedding for him to attend.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my sister I won’t be her ‘gay accessory’ at her wedding after she uninvited my boyfriend?”
The OP was trying to be there for his sister, even if his family wasn’t there for him.
“I (19 Male) have been out to my family for a few years. It hasn’t been the easiest, but we’ve settled into a mostly ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ kind of peace, which sucks, but it’s better than fighting.”
“My older sister, Megan (25 Female), is getting married in a few months, and I’ve been genuinely trying to be the best little brother ever.”
“I’ve spent weekends helping her with DIY decorations, running errands, and listening to her vent about everything from the catering to the flowers.”
“All along, she’s known that I have a boyfriend, Alex (19 Male). We’ve been together for over a year, he’s my first serious relationship, and he’s my whole world.”
“Megan had told me from the start that, of course, Alex would be my plus-one. I was so excited to finally bring him to a big family event and have him officially meet everyone.”
But then the bride changed her mind.
“Well, last night Megan called me, sounding super stressed. One of her bridesmaids had to drop out for personal reasons.”
“Then she got this really excited tone in her voice and said, ‘I have the perfect solution! You can be my bridesman! You’d look so cute in a tux, and it would be so modern and cool!'”
“I was honestly flattered and said I’d love to. Then I asked, ‘So, where will Alex sit during the ceremony since I’ll be standing up front?'”
“There was a long pause. Then Megan said, ‘Oh. Well, about that. It doesn’t really work for a bridesman to have a date walking in. And besides, we’re so over budget, we’re having to cut all non-essential guests. Since he’s not family… we just can’t accommodate him anymore.'”
“I was confused. I asked her, ‘Are the other bridesmaids’ boyfriends and husbands uninvited too?'”
“She said, ‘Of course not, that’s different. It would just look weird and unbalanced for you to be in the party and have a boyfriend there. People will be confused.'”
The OP no longer felt welcome at the wedding.
“I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. After everything, Alex was being reduced to ‘not essential’ and a source of confusion.”
“I told her, ‘So my relationship is less valid than theirs? You just want me to stand up there and be your gay accessory, but you don’t want the actual ‘gay’ part of my life to be visible?'”
“She completely lost it. She said I was being dramatic, selfish, and trying to make her wedding all about my sexuality. She said it was ‘just one day’ and I should do this for my family.”
“I told her that if my family doesn’t include Alex, then it doesn’t include me either. I said I wouldn’t be her prop, and since my partner wasn’t welcome, then I wouldn’t be coming to the wedding at all.”
“Now, my parents are calling me non-stop, telling me I’ve broken my sister’s heart and that I’m tearing the family apart over nothing. My dad said I need to learn that ‘sometimes you have to make small sacrifices for the people you love.'”
“But this doesn’t feel like a small sacrifice. It feels like being told that my love is conditional and only acceptable when it’s convenient for them.”
“AITAH for refusing to go to my sister’s wedding?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that this invitation was problematic.
“I could understand if none of the groomsmen or bridesmaids had a ‘plus one.’ But if they do, then you have every right to be upset.” – InterviewAware1129
“If any of them have a plus one that isn’t a spouse, then she’s being a hypocrite. Telling me I’ve broken my sister’s heart and that I’m tearing the family apart over nothing… Are they telling his sister that she’s tearing the family apart over something that isn’t a big deal?” – mca2021
“At first I was thinking, ‘Okay, no plus one’s for the bridal party unless they are married. I’ve seen that before. The rationale makes sense since for the bridal party, the wedding is a full-day affair where they’ll be separated from the plus one anyways. Saves costs.”
“But to find out that it’s only a rule for OP, no, that’s bulls**t.” – 1ecstatic_company
“NTA. The fact that the other bridesmaids get to bring their male partners, but you don’t, tells you everything you need to know about how your sister actually sees you.”
“The most charitable reading of this is that she’s just really scared of Alex’s presence starting drama with other homophobic family members, and if that’s the case, she would have been 1000 times better off just saying that directly rather than trying to downplay the significance of what she was asking, which just makes it all worse.”
“(I’m gay, if that matters.)” – MotherTeresaOnlyfans
“(I’m straight, if that matters.)”
“Sis of OP just lost her brother over her behaviour.”
“First, boyfriend/girlfriend/date/friend/who cares who you want to bring as your plus one to the wedding? This does not need to be a national announcement. Be happy your guest is bringing someone to help celebrate your day whose company they enjoy. More friends.”
“Second, ‘it’s just one day and she can do this for the family.’ Invite Alex specifically and give him the plus one so he can bring OP. That’s the only way this gets fixed.” – Ok-Professional2468
Others reassured the OP that his sister was the problem, not the OP.
“OP has every right to stand his ground. She hurt him, and now she’s acting like OP is the problem? That’s not how love or family works.”
“OP’s parents need to hear the truth loud and clear. OP didn’t do anything wrong, and he shouldn’t have to stay silent while someone tries to rewrite the story.” – Shaunee06
“Tell the parents that if not having your spouse/partner there isn’t that big a deal, then mom can stay home so Alex can go and not put them over budget. I mean, dad’s walking her down the aisle, but it’s not like mom is actually doing anything.” – __wildwing__
“They’re saying you have to make sacrifices for the people you love. You are. You are sacrificing going to the wedding for the person you love, which is your boyfriend. NTA. Sending you hugs.” – DrVL2
“NTA.”
“This is blatant homophobia. We’re all victims of this at some point. Everyone wants the gay best friend, but without the gay parts. We’re basically downgraded to pets that should be SOOO grateful for being allowed to even exist and attend any events at all.”
“Honestly, you should just ghost them. You’re completely right about this. She doesn’t love the real you. She loves the free labor and aesthetic. That’s about it.” – fiestastan3
“If I’m playing devil’s advocate, the only thing that makes sense is saying that ‘teenage love rarely lasts these days, they should be cut before more mature couples,” but that’s it.”
“If she wants the gay glitter and wokeness stamp, she needs to pay up for it too in respect!”
“I’m straight and female, and I don’t think we really think about the ‘history’ of the gay best friend trope.”
“The best friends and girlfriends used to be the only protection available for many young gay men in environments that were extremely hostile and outright dangerous. Becoming someones’ accessory was often the only way to get some protection and to ward off loneliness.”
“Sometimes the girlies were actual friends and good parts of young gay boys’ lives, but I’m also sure there’s been A LOT of toxic ‘friendships’ where the guys had to suck it up to not be ousted. It’s still a trope today where real humans are objectified and turned into things with branding value.”
“I would definitely understand why the entire trope is a red flag for gay men, and with good reason. It’s OK for them to weed out the ‘puppy owners’ and stick with true allies and those allies? They’ll let them bring a plus one!” – Thedonkeyforcer
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset and reassured him that he should be treated the same way as the rest of the wedding party.
If the bride wasn’t willing to do that, then she didn’t need such a large wedding party.