Redditor Icy-Cantaloupe-4063 and his husband's relationship is widely accepted by family, with one exception.
The Original Poster's (OP's) niece has historically been homophobic and ignorant when it comes to her uncles.
A recent disaster has the OP's niece looking for support from her uncles, driving the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for advice.
He asked:
"AITA for letting my brother and family stay with me after a flooding but not my niece?"
He went on to explain.
"I [37-year-old Male] have been married to my husband [41-year-old Male] for 4 years."
"I came out my family as bi when I was 16, and from the very beginning, they were nothing but supportive, and to this day, almost my entire family accepts me as who I am."
"My niece [20-year-old Female) is the only exception."
"She is my brother's [43-year-old Male] daughter, and despite her parents showing no prejudices against the LGBTQ+ community, she doesn't make a secret of her homophobia."
"I don't know where her beliefs stem from, but the day I first introduced my husband/ then boyfriend to her family, she has been very hostile towards us (she was 14 at the time)."
"She refuses to speak to my husband, barely acknowledges us at family gatherings, and despite her father constantly chastising her, frequently uses the f-slur to refer to members of the LGBTQ+ community and calls same-sex relationships disgusting."
"Due to severe flooding, my brother and his family have been forced to evacuate their house."
"My husband and I have a guest room and a sofa bed in our living room, so when my brother asked we whether his family could stay at our place for a while…"
"…I told him that him, his wife, and their younger children [15-year-old Female, 12-year-old Male] were very welcome to stay as long as they needed to…"
"…but that we weren't comfortable letting his oldest daughter stay with us."
"He seemed to have been expecting that answer and told me that he understood my reasons."
"When he broke the news to his daughter, she was furious, asking where else she was going to stay and that she had nowhere else to go."
"From what I know, my brother offered to help her pay for a cheap hotel, but she doesn't want to dip into her savings because she doesn't work and she's been living with my brother rent-free."
"Apparently, she's been staying with a friend for a few days now, and she's been telling her mother how awful it is there."
"My brother is still supporting my decision, but his wife has started trying to convince me to let her eldest daughter move in."
"She's been pushing me to get over her comments because my niece is still 'young and naïve' and that she couldn't have known her actions would have major consequences."
"She's advising me to be the bigger person and not let my 'hard feelings' for her daughter stop me from helping a family member, because that would be an 'AH thing to do'."
"So AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA, she's living with the consequences of her horribleness by having to stay somewhere she doesn't like because she couldn't keep her mouth shut about her disgusting views on same-sex relationships."
"If I were you, I'd say that you're happy to let her stay as soon as she genuinely and honestly proves she no longer feels that way towards you and your husband."
"I would never let someone who disrespected me and my husband stay with us, family or not, unless they were literally about to be on the streets (which she isn't)."
"And even then, it would be the very, very last option." - hazeandgraze
"NTA"
"Oh, what her mother meant was, 'She didn't realize she would someday need the person she was dehumanizing.'"
"Tough sh*t, this is the 'find out' stage. Don't deny her this important life lesson." - Mindless-Locksmith76
"NTA"
"Classic example of 'f*ck around and find out'"
"Regarding your brother's family...I read a nice saying this week on Reddit:"
"'When 10 people and one Nazi are sitting together at a table, 11 Nazis are sitting together'"
"I would show your brother's wife the door to her daughter's hotel." - toffifeeandcoffee
"NTA"
"Your SIL is upset because you could only take in 4 people in an emergency. Even if you didn't have a reason, if you had just said you couldn't take in 5 people only 4 it would have been a NTA."
"But the 20-year-old does not get to be a bigot for six years and then expect to get help from you." - glom4ever
"NTA"
"She has been staying with a friend. No one needs to offer up free living just because a family member doesn't want to stay with said friend."
"Also, if it's "awful" there, she won't be happy staying with you either. She already rejected a paid-for hotel. On top of that, she's already judgmental AF."
"You can expect that she'll make snide remarks as she has in the past about your lifestyle choices, then double down on how your place sucks because it's not her room. Who wants to deal with that?"
"It's your house and you only have so much space and free food to give. Let her be mad, she already acts like an entitled snob." - offensivelypc
"because my niece is still "young and naïve" and that she couldn't have known her actions would have major consequences."
"NTA. It's been years and she hasn't changed her mind. She's old enough to k ow about consequences" - Slight-Bar-534
"NTA"
"Maybe your SIL can go join her daughter at a hotel somewhere..." - Elegant_Panic7858
"'She's advising me to be the bigger person and not let my 'hard feelings' for her daughter stop my from helping a family member, because that would be an 'AH thing to do'."
"This paragraph irks me beyond belief."
"It's not you who has 'hard feelings', it's your niece. Feelings of homophobia, bad manners and entitlement. Therefore, she should be the one dealing with those feelings of hers."
"Your SIL wants you to accept being bullied in your own home, simply because she never bothered to address her daughter's intolerance or behavior."
"And having to put up with it for weeks or even months until they can move back?"
"I would reverse this onto her and tell SIL 'You should be the bigger person, and instead of forcing me to have a bigot in my house…'"
"'…go to a hotel with your daughter so she won't be alone in her homophobia.'"
"'Your poor parenting should not stop you from helping a family member, me, by not forcing me to live with her opinions and yours.'"
"NTA, but SIL is the big one." - OrcaMum23
"NTA. You have a right to be treated with respect in your own home. Tell your brother that you will need to ask his wife to leave if she cannot respect your decision."
"It is obvious they did nothing to address the situation in the last six years, and I question why. Could it be his wife feels the same but knows not to voice it?" - Ok-Cauliflower-1388
"It appears your brother & SIL are very tolerant of their daughter being a bigot. She didn't raise herself & seems like her behavior is being enabled."
"It's your home, you can exclude anyone you want. Honestly, I'm confused why they would even think to ask you."
"NTA" - Alarming_Reply_6286
"NTA"
"Given how she behaved in the past, I doubt your niece can be civil to you in your home. And certainly you and your husband don't have to put up with disrespect in your own home."
"Guests are guests, and they certainly can't make claims, They can only thank you for the hospitality." - 000-Hotaru_Tomoe
"This a classic case of Actions met consequences."
"Your SIL is correct that her daughter couldn't have known that she would need you one day, but that's not really the point is it."
"Her daughter is homophobic, and you are absolutely allowed to set boundaries about who is allowed in your house!" - meeeee01
"NTA. There's enough bigotry in the world without inviting it into your home. Your niece is simply being inconvenienced by her beliefs, there's no need for you to suffer for them." - cinekat
"NTA"
"'My niece [20-year-old Female] is the only exception."
"She is my brother's [43-year-old Male] daughter and despite her parents showing no prejudices against the LGBTQ+ community, she doesn't make a secret of her homophobia."
"You do not have to take someone into your home who has such a problem with your orientation."
"'She's been pushing me to get over her comments because my niece is still 'young and naïve' and that she couldn't have known her actions would have major consequences.'"
"F*ck that. She is 20. Do not budge." - Amar_Akbar_Anthony20
"SIL is an AH. She is not concerned about consequences to the real victims, OP and his partner, but to her brat, bigot daughter who has to pay for her own lodging at age 20."
"Those are not consequences. There are 20-year-olds who live on their own and pay their own bills. Here the brat's mother is willing to subsidize her living costs." - rshni67
What goes around comes around.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.