For special occasions, people typically put a lot of thought into purchasing a gift to mark the milestone. Often times, we acknowledge that "it's the thought that really counts."
And usually, it is.
But what if the aforementioned "thought" that went into deciding on the perfect gift is perceived as haphazard or even odd by the recipient—or to clarify... recipients?
A person on Reddit was described as "weird" for gifting their girlfriend and sister the same perfume for their birthdays, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Haunting_Cheetah_438 asked:
"AITA for getting my sister and girlfriend the same birthday present?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My girlfriend and sister have birthdays in the same month, so I went shopping for their birthday presents at the same time."
That makes total sense.
"They both like perfumes and both have similar preferences in perfumes-- sweet, edible, gourmand--and I found a perfume that captured the vibe and did it really well."
"I knew they'd both like it, so I bought two bottles, and gifted one to each."
That, however, was a questionable move.
"My girlfriend thinks it's weird to give the same perfume to both your sister and your girlfriend."
"I think that I got a gift that I knew each of them would like and enjoy, and that my thought process was that if they happened to be the same perfume, oh well."
"AITA?"
OP has offered the following explanation for why she thinks she might be the a**hole:
"I bought my sister and my girlfriend, who have birthdays close to one another, the same perfume as a present because I know they both would like it."
"This might make me TA because I can see why it would come off as weird."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole, albeit not majorly and not intentionally.
"Gently, YTA."
"Your heart may well have been in the right place, but perfume is a pretty romantic gift to give your partner — and it absolutely sucks the romance right out of it to give the same gift to your sister."
"You're not necessarily an a**hole, but you're definitely "the a**hole" here." - Spiraling_Swordfish
"YTA."
"at best it reads like you didn't care enough to get her a gift unique to her."
"at worst it reads… very strange." - redroverose
"YTA. Like, not a massive one?"
"But the fact that you keep insisting how much thought you put into it makes it worse to me."
"Listen to your girlfriend." - KuriGohan0204
"Very weird."
"If I were your girlfriend, I'd be kinda pissed."
"YTA" - ArmadilloDays
"YTA. The only way this would be worse is if you bought lingerie." - Aggravating-Item9162
"YTA in this instance, but you seem to be an oblivious one, not a purposeful one."
"My dad wore Brute growing up and I absolutely would not be OK with my partner wearing it."
"He's an Old Spice guy anyways so no worries there, I'm just being hypothetical."
"The moment I smell Brute I immediately remember my dad... Not something you want when you're trying to be intimate with a partner 😂 😂 😂"
"Your GF obviously feels this way about having the same scent as your sister." - Standard-Park
"As a fragrance enthusiast, YTA."
"Your heart was in the right place, and you clearly listened to both of their preferences so it was thoughtful."
"But scent is a very powerful thing, especially when it comes to relating scents to memories and emotions."
"The perfume your girlfriend wears should give you romantic sexy feelings, so to gift that same scent to your sister is uncomfortable."
"In the future, if you find a scent that you know they'll both like, look for 'flankers.'"
"Lots of perfumes will have spinoff scents that are similar but different enough to be separate perfumes."
"For example, 'YSL Black Opium' is a very popular perfume and they also have 'Black Opium Illicit Green' and 'Black Opium Over Red' in the line."
"It would be way less weird to gift your girlfriend the scent you like the best/think she'd like the best, and your sister one of the flankers." - pollyp0cketp*ssy
"yeah YTA."
"I can see how you probably thought it convenient."
"But a gift to your partner should be well thought out and special, not whatever is convenient for you."
"And perfume is an intimate gift, giving your sister the EXACT SAME perfume totally took away any sort of intimacy." - Key-Rip-7517
"YTA. You're thinking too logical."
"Women like to feel unique."
"Particularly for a gift from a romantic partner." - doblehuevo
"you blundered."
"there are so many similar stories out there, even sitcoms with this scenario."
"unless there are extreme circumstances, buying the same for your gf and family member x is always the AH move bro."
"YTA" - Proper_Sense_1488
"YTA maybe weird but more importantly it's impersonal and shows your girlfriend you were getting a generic 'girl' gift and that kinda sucks." - f**kyoutoocoolsmhool
"Soft YTA cause I think your intentions were pure, but giving people the same gift does make it less special."
"Also, specifically getting your gf and sister the same gift hints at weird incestuous tendencies." - Fragrant-Duty-9015
"YTA"
"Its nice that you put thought into it. BUT it really comes off weird and unthoughtful if you bought the same perfume to your sister too."
"Like it doesnt really make it special for your girlfriend, plus wouldnt you want to asociate the smell with your gf rather than your sister??"
"Like the sentence 'I put thought into it' doesnt really make sense since you didnt put enough thought into it to get why this is weird or wrong."
"YTA because as much as it seemed practical to you, it comes off as lazy and unthoughtfull."
"Please listen to the people commenting because with each response i read from you you seem to keep standing on your 'They like this scent' hill." - Hermanfrodit
"Soft YTA."
"I applaud you for buying the gifts without asking for help and knowing each girls' preferences."
"That is thoughtful."
"But buying your sister the same perfume sucks any romantic gesture out of the perfume for your girlfriend."
"She probably wants to feel appreciation and you made her feel like a 2 for 1 special."
"Live and learn." - 24601moamo
"YTA. 'Oh, they're both girls, I'll get them the same gift because I am lazy and don't care to find something to suit each of their personalities.'"
"Perfume is an intimate gift."
"Now if either girl uses the gift, your sister will smell just like your girlfriend."
"WTF were you thinking?"
"Oh, right. You weren't."
"You just wanted to get the gift out of the way and not have to put any thought into it." - the-mortyest-morty
"Soft YTA - I understand that you were thinking of what each of them would like but you sucked at the effort you put into making the gifts special to each of them."
"My MIL and I like the same perfume, my husband noted it when we were dating."
"If he got us both that perfume as a Christmas present, it would feel like he just wanted to get it done rather than specially thinking of either of us specifically."
"And yes, as the gf/wife it would completely lack romantic feeling." - Jealous-Contract7426
"You know how nice it is to smell your partner's distinct scent, like when you're snuggling or being intimate?"
"Imagine smelling that same scent when you hug your sister at a family gathering."
"I know it wasn't purposeful, but YTA."
"The point is to be purposeful in your gift giving."
"Your partner deserves more consideration (and personalization) than a twin gift that you bought to make things easier on yourself."
"She deserves her own gift, or at least her own scent." - cheechassad
"YTA. Its loses all thoughtfulness and effort when you get them both the same thing."
"You could've at the very least got two different scents from the same brand"
"A birthday gift should be special, not something you simply do out of obligation" - skibunny1010
"YTA. You know enough about perfume to know their preferences so you should know better than to buy them the same perfume."
"Perfume is such a personal gift and scent triggers memory."
"Buying them the same perfume is so impersonal and also why would you want them to smell the same?"
"Sounds like you just wanted to get the shopping out of the way."
"Your GF wants to feel special on her birthday, not like you got a buy one get one free on perfume."
"You should try and make it up to her." - sunnyrainphase
"Rookie mistake. gentle YTA."
"Even if you don't think your GF is 'as important' as your sister since you've only been dating a while, surely you can understand that your GF wants to *feel* special and unique on her bday."
"In general, its weird to gift your significant other the same thing as a family member for a special occasion." - ArrrrghB
It definitely seems like OP meant well but didn't quite execute well.
Hopefully they can take fellow Redditors' comments into account and realize why their girlfriend felt a little underwhelmed.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.