When we’re dating, we usually have a pretty good idea of what we’re comfortable with in a partner, what might be a pet peeve, and what would be an absolute dealbreaker.
But every once in a while, we get surprised with a brand new dealbreaker, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Hangry_manstarved was shocked when his girlfriend who had recently moved in with him constantly took bites off of his plates of food, no matter how many times he asked her not to.
When she took this behavior to an entirely weird level, the Original Poster (OP) questioned the relationship.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for blocking access to my food and threatening no help with accommodations?”
The OP was frustrated by one of his girlfriend’s habits.
“I (22 Male) am in my first serious relationship with H (25 Female).”
“We have been together just under a year. She moved into my place three months ago.”
“Everything was fine in the beginning, but once we started seeing each other more frequently I noticed her bad habit.”
“Every time we went out and food was involved, she would sample my food before I got to it.”
“We are not just talking a chip here and there from my chips, but bites from my actual sandwich.”
“In actual classy places, she would take the first chunk of my steak/salmon/cake.”
“You name it, she would take the first bite.”
“I had several talks with her about this, but she said it was cute and not sinister.”
The OP gave his girlfriend an ultimatum before she could move in.
“Four months ago, H got a job with a training opportunity.”
“After completion when she returns to her normal workplace, the salary will be higher.”
“My place is forty minutes closer than where she used to live.”
“I offered her to live with me rent-free if she stopped this behavior.”
Everything went according to plan… for a while.
“The first month, she stuck to our agreement. In the second month, she slipped up a few times. This last month. she has gone back to her old ways.”
“But last weekend was a turning point.”
“I bake. It’s a hobby. So I made cake. After dividing it into eight, I left it in the fridge while I went out with a friend.”
“Usually, when I bake and friends drop me off, I will fetch a few slices and thank them for the lift home with the cake.”
“Imagine my surprise when I saw that each piece had a bite taken. I phoned my friend that I owed him a cake and he needn’t wait for me to come back down.”
“I was angry. I told her that she embarrassed me and we needed to figure out a solution.”
“She went defensive and said she ate it due to loving me so much. She insisted that all women do this and guys love it.”
“I made it very clear that she needed to stop now or there would be consequences.”
The OP’s girlfriend refused to listen to his boundaries with food.
“The next day, I bought a lock box for the fridge. She was livid but couldn’t do much.”
“Last night, she broke the lock and had taken a bite out of all my snacks and two slices of baguettes in there.”
“I told her to pack her stuff and leave while I stay with my mother for a few hours.”
“She called me AH for making her homeless and possibly ruining her employment opportunities.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were upset by how the girlfriend was ignoring the OP’s boundaries.
“Also, major red flags here: ‘She went defensive and said she ate it due to loving me so much. That all women do this and guys love it.'”
“Nope. They don’t. This is very weird behavior. She’s ignoring your boundaries, and then she’s using your inexperience against you to manipulate you into thinking this is ‘normal.'”
“This is not a person who is acting in good faith here. This is a woman who is trying to use your inexperience and things like societal pressure on women regarding food to make you think your VERY NORMAL boundaries and emotional reaction to your boundaries being crossed is incorrect.”
“She’s trying to get you to doubt yourself, your ability to set boundaries, and your emotional reactions. This person is bad news. Get away from her.” – Meemaws_BearCheese
“Honestly, I expect my partners will be taking bites of my food. I’m a chef, I love to cook, I love to eat, and I love to share food experiences. I understand I may be in the minority with this.”
“That said, you can get f**ked if you think you’re getting the first, second, or even third bite of my food. I need a minute to enjoy it, and try the plate as it’s meant to be.”
“This behavior from OP’s girlfriend is beyond bizarre. It’s super controlling. It feels like she’s marking her territory.” – cptspeirs
“It sounds like a twisted form of control. It sounds like she’s trying to show him, ‘You can’t set boundaries with me. If you try, I’ll just cross them and make it WORSE, so don’t even try.'”
“The way she’s aggressively disrespecting his boundaries and then trying to get him to doubt his own natural reaction to it sounds like a precursor to abuse where she’s trying to break down his boundaries and his emotional wellbeing so that she can do whatever she wants with little resistance.”
“And this is often how an abusive dynamic starts: well before the overt abuse starts, the abuser will just be slowly chipping away at boundaries, self-esteem, trust in oneself, etc.”
“They often don’t show their abusive nature until they feel their victim is broken down enough to stay. OP isn’t broken down yet, but I feel like this behavior is a red flag that his girlfriend may be trying to break him.”
“This response with the lockbox shows it’s not going to get better. She’s going to get worse. OP needs to cut and run.” – Meemaws_BearCheese
“To me, it seems like perhaps she at a bite out of every piece of cake because she resents the boundaries that OP set.”
“And as for taking the first bite of many of OP’s dishes at restaurants, it is almost like she feels entitled to what is his.”
“It seems possible, too, that she may have an eating disorder or food control issue.”
“But whatever the problem is, she is not respecting his boundaries and that is unacceptable!”
“OP, you are most certainly NTA!”
“OP, not all girls do things like this. You will meet many women who will respect your boundaries. When someone tells you that ‘all women do this’ or ‘it’s what all girls do,’ please just run. They are just trying to justify rude and disrespectful actions.” – Sea_Resolution_7629
“Honestly, I am the annoying spouse that samples my husband’s food without asking. But I know he’s okay with it usually, and I offer my dish to him too, and I don’t take a lot.”
“It’s usually fries I take, or if I want a bite of his burger or something, but I never just snatch.”
“If he isn’t okay with it after I do it, I always apologize and replace the chips or fries I stole off his plate.”
“OP’s girl is weird for getting defensive, and how she did it. A bite from each slice??” – berripluscream
Others were disturbed by all the bites in the cake, followed by the girlfriend’s reasoning.
“Also, she took a bite of eight different slices of cake and then gaslighted the OP? Serious marinara (red) flags here.” – Key-Iron-7909
“Who takes a bite out of each slice of cake? That’s definitely not normal.” – Binky390
“This is what really sent me over the edge. What kind of psycho takes a bite from each slice of cake???”
“NTA. It sounds like you are doing yourself a huge favor by dumping her now. She clearly doesn’t respect you.” – stfuylah14
“Lots and lots of marinara flags here.”
“FYI, I would never take a bite of anything from my husband’s plate without asking first. I often times offer him a bite of what I’m having, but this is NOT common behavior.”
“And taking a bite out of each slice of cake? What the f**k is that? Marking her territory? Is she p**sing on the furniture?” – VegasLife1111
“I can’t get over how she took a bite out of EVERYTHING in the fridge after breaking the lock.”
“This part felt like her trying to show who is the dominant one here.” – ShadwSmoke
“She took a bite out of each of the 8 pieces in the fridge. How is that even normal? Why not take a slice and finish it and leave the other 7 intact?”
“So if OP had 4 containers of food in the fridge, she would take a bite from each of them?”
“He is NTA here. I’d get rid of anyone who did this. What is the motivation?” – Plane_Practice8184
“The sinister version could be partly to do with knowing he gives them to friends as a thank you. This is alienating him by stopping him from being able to do this for friends in the future?”
“But I think it’s mainly just her forcing OP to think about her, and asserting dominance that she can take whatever she wants of his.”
“She’s trying to prove she can cross his explicit boundaries because she is ‘cute’ and he ‘loves’ it/her.” – stereo_selkie
The subReddit was both weirded out and appalled by the OP’s ex-girlfriend’s behavior and believed he had done the right thing by holding this boundary for himself and ending the relationship.
While it never feels particularly good to break up with someone, if they’re going to go to such drastic measures to prove their dominance over their partner, it is very likely for the best.