Relationships are always a walk in the park.
Relationships can tend to take a lot more work than people like to admit.
Love isn't often easy to sustain.
One big relationship issue that often needs tending to is trust.
Trust is hard to find and sometimes impossible to give.
Redditor cancini found himself in a dilemma regarding his current relationship and his relationships with his exes, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH? My G[irl]F[riend] (24 F[emale]) is breaking up with me because I (26 M[ale]) told her I would have reply to my exes if we were to breakup"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Last week, one of my exes texted me."
"Before this relationship, I thought it was acceptable for one to keep their exes' numbers and communicate with them."
"But when this relationship started, I deleted my exes everywhere."
"Recently, one of my exes texted me."
"I told my GF as she requested, and asked her what I should do in order to make her feel comfortable."
"Should I block the ex, just ignore and delete, or tell the ex that I am in a relationship and not to contact me?"
"We had a bit of an argument, she was unhappy that I waited a few days, but in the end I ignored and deleted."
"Today, the ex messaged again."
"I told my gf immediately, but she was unhappy that my ex messaged me again despite my ignoring the message."
"She was suspicious that they were still attached and had a close bond."
"I told her that we didn't have any such bond."
"She argued back that we were close and that I would text her."
"I tried to defend myself, saying, if I had such desires, I could."
"But instead, I decided to delete her contact info, unfriend her wherever, and ignore her."
"Despite that, she insisted I would talk to her."
"Then I reminded her I used to (irregularly) communicate with my exes when I was not in a relationship."
"I would reply to this too if she weren't there anymore (she directly told of this possibility)."
"But I also told her that communicating with any of my exes didn't make any difference for me and that I deleted their contact information since I wanted this relationship to be a thing."
"Anyway, she told me that my last response was very hurtful and that she wants to break up."
"I begged her for a chance to fix it and that my normal was different, but I, of course, wouldn't communicate with anyone; that I wanted a future only with her."
"But she says that I can not understand what a terrible thing I said, and frankly, I can not grasp."
"My heart is torn up that I hurt her."
"I wouldn't mind if she were to communicate with any of her exes in a future that we were not together."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"I'll save you the trouble: you can't understand what a terrible thing you said, because you said no terrible things."
"Honestly, your (now ex) GF's behavior is concerning."
"Especially for a 26-year-old, she's not a kid anymore."
"I don't know if she's just been burned before, or if, on the opposite, she's projecting, but in any case, NTA: you dodged a bullet, buddy." ~ Ok-Persimmon-340
"Not sure I would classify this as abuse."
"It seems more like extreme insecurity on the now ex's part."
"This girl is not ready for a relationship because she is too immature, or she has been hurt recently."
"Either way, she did you a favor." ~ rexmaster2
"Multiple things can be true at the same time."
"She can be both extremely insecure/immature and respond in an abusive way."
"I would classify her gaslighting and punishing him (breaking up) based on something that didn't even happen as abusive behavior." ~ PaperBoy54
"NTA, comments right, you didn't say anything terrible, you answered a hypothetical SHE raised."
"She asked, 'What if we broke up?'"
" You honestly described what your life looked like before her, then made it clear you'd deleted everyone because you wanted this."
"Her being this destabilized by a hypothetical she introduced, plus framing your honesty as unforgivable, is the actual issue."
"You can't win an argument designed to have no right answer, lol." ~ BearMarketMonk
"NTA, you should break up if your GF is this controlling about who you talk to." ~ Mean-Prompt-3745
"And given her clear views on not talking to exes, he should just immediately block her on everything and ignore any and all attempts to communicate."
"She told him she wants to break up; she's an ex now." ~ oop_norf
"Also, if GF is controlling over who attempts to talk to you."
"OP went above and beyond, asking how to respond."
"She got mad over... the ex texting a second time after the ex didn't get a response the first time."
"Then even more mad that he would have the audacity to talk to an ex if they weren't together."
"OP be petty."
"When she texts, don't respond."
"When she texts again, don't respond."
"When she texts again, send a very short 'I'm trying to respect you by not talking to an ex now that we are no longer together, since that's what broke us up.'"
"Then don't respond to anything else."
"OP, this level of insecurity is not something you want to be with."
"This is the level of insecurity that will have you arguing because you gave your order to the waitress."
"Grieve what you need to grieve and find someone who is capable of trusting you."
"Also, by the way, there's nothing wrong or weird in how you deal with ex (although the nice thing to do would be to text any ex that you're in a relationship with and you don't feel comfortable talking to them anymore, if this is something you do for any new relationship)." ~ Nymph-the-scribe
"NTA. Count yourself lucky you're out of this."
"That level of suspicion, anger, and monitoring would be absolute hell to live with long-term." ~ Substantial_Key4640
"NTA. You were communicative and asked at every step of the way."
"To be honest, my ex used to insist that I was cheating when I wasn’t, and he turned out to be cheating on me - so there is the possibility that it’s projection (that she is still in contact/has an emotional bond with exes)."
"Another possibility is just that she is extremely insecure, though." ~ Relative-Teaching109
"NTA. I know it hurts now, but she’s not the one."
"You overcommunicated."
"Did the right things and asked her permission on how to proceed with the ex."
"You did nothing wrong."
"This is an excuse for her to break up."
"And she’s making up false scenarios to make you look bad."
"Sometimes people project because they’re actually guilty themselves."
"She’s most likely entertaining an ex or is not being as loyal." ~ AubergineForestGreen
"NTA If you give a mouse a cookie, it’s going to want a glass of milk."
"OP, you’re here now, being held hostage by her manipulation because you gave in to her earlier controlling behavior."
"Stop the cycle, and accept the breakup."
"If you never cheated on her or in a relationship, then there is no reason not to trust you, especially since you maintained a cordial relationship with your exes in the past where you could communicate."
"OP, if you try to win her back, she will impose more and more control until you can’t even speak to your mother without it being on speakerphone and a script of things you’re allowed to talk about."
"Run." ~ Vegetable-Cod-2340
"NTA. Not everyone is comfy about their partner remaining friends with any of their exs, and that's ok."
"But you didn't say anything hurtful, you only answered her question."
"And the way she reacted almost seemed like she was looking for an excuse to just leave."
"You don't need that energy." ~ American_Horror_Show
"Dude… this girl has trust issues."
"I don’t understand why she is getting mad at you and accusing you of things unless you gave her reason to in the past, but it seems that is not the case."
"As a woman, I understand where her emotions are coming from, but they are personal and have nothing to do with you."
"Honestly, breaking up is the best-case scenario for you."
"Otherwise, you will constantly have to defend yourself."
"She needs to deal with her issues."
"You’ve already done what you could to address her boundaries and comfort, but she isn’t thinking about yours."
"She is being selfish and controlling. And her arguments have no context and are not based on logic or reasoning. Sorry." ~ Master_Rip5768
"NAH. A lot of people aren’t going to want to date someone who is in communication with their exes."
"This is something you should have been up front about."
"Now she knows your stance, and she doesn’t want to deal with it."
"Would you rather she make your life miserable or just cut you off when you’re incompatible?" ~ Ok_Escape_5414
"NAH. At first i understood where she was coming from."
"Either tell your ex you're in a relationship or don't talk to them."
"The fact that it took you several days to decide is a red flag."
"Why on earth would you need to decide whether or not to tell an ex you were in a relationship?"
"I personally don't have an issue with certain exes still being friends, but the situation needs to be clear."
"If it feels weird to tell someone you're in a relationship, either you probably shouldn't be talking to that person, or the relationship is wrong."
"Instead of acting the way she acted, she should've just had some self-respect and left." ~ duchess_of_fire
Reddit is firmly in your corner, OP.
Your GF has a lot of internal work to do.
It sounds like she has major trust issues.
Sorry that you're so upset.
Maybe it can work out.
You'll need serious transparent communication, though.
Good Luck.
