There are few things more frustrating than needing to change your plans.
Even so, sometimes things occur that are truly beyond our control, meaning we might have to skip or pass on something we might have been looking forward to for months.
Things become even more complicated when plans involve multiple people, but one person experiences a change in circumstances.
In these instances, does everyone need to cancel or change plans solely because of one person?
Redditor munchy_banana1 was looking forward to a weekend getaway with a group of people he had in his calendar for months.
Unfortunately, one member of the group had to suddenly back out.
While the original poster (OP) was disappointed in this change, he still planned on partaking in this trip.
However, the individual who backed out had a different set of expectations.
Wondering if they were doing the right thing, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting to cancel weekend plans to my cottage because my girlfriend can't make it?"
The OP explained how he found himself in an awkward, "all or nothing" situation with his girlfriend:
"We (my gf, 24 F[emale], and I, 26 M[ale]) made plans about 2 months ago to invite 7 of our friends to my family cottage for the weekend."
"It is a shared cottage with a lot of family going back 4 generations, so really hard to book a weekend on our little Google calendar unless it's at least 2 months in advance."
"I worked an extra shift this week to be able to take Saturday off as I normally work Saturdays."
"We are currently on Thursday evening, and my girlfriend just let me know that she can't make it this weekend because she has to work both Saturday evening and Sunday morning."
"I didn't think anything of it, thinking she would just not be coming."
"She immediately got mad as she was expecting me to cancel this weekend just because she can't make it."
"Her justification is that she does a lot for me (which she does) and that I should do this for her."
"I would drop anything to help her or be with her if she needed me, but she's just working."
"I find it selfish, and I don't understand why she doesn't want me to go."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for proceeding with his plans without his girlfriend.
Everyone agreed that it was unreasonable and, indeed, selfish for the OP's girlfriend to expect him and the whole group to cancel plans simply because she could no longer make it herself:
"Canceling your plans is not a huge deal, but she's trying to cancel the plans of 7 other people."
"NTA."- binger5
"NTA."
"So you're supposed to do what, sit at home and do nothing while she's working?"
"It's unfortunate she can't go, but there's no reason for you to cancel for yourself and seven other people who have all made these plans."- Jerseygirl2468
"NTA."
"You don't cancel weekend plans for seven people because your girlfriend can't make it."
"That's not fair to anyone."- Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
"NTA."
"Your girlfriend should've put in a time off request two months ago or asked someone to take her shifts weeks ago."
"Now if she did and it got rejected or somebody backed out, that sucks, but the idea that you shouldn't be able to enjoy your time off because she can't get the time off is ridiculous."
"Her justification that she does a lot for you doesn't make sense because she isn't actually asking you for support."
"She's not asking you to cancel because she's having surgery or wants you to help her move."
"It's just 'I can't go so you shouldn't go' which is absurd."
"Also, you invited seven friends."
"So she's expecting eight people to have their weekend plans cancelled on short notice because she had to work?"
"That's a wild level of selfishness and a really nasty attitude."- GhostParty21
"NTA."
"You are hosting your friends."
"It was made in plenty of time."
"As you said, getting the time at the cottage is hard, so you may not get another chance to go for a while."- Forsaken_Pick3201
"NTA."
"You invited 7 friends who rearranged their schedules to go."
"Not going because she can't go would be inconsiderate to say the least."- Edcrfvh
"NTA."
"You worked extra and planned the weekend."
"She obviously dropped the ball or this is a toxic relationship test to see if you'll cave for her."
"She's working all weekend, why would you cancel on your friends and ruin everyone's weekend to just sit at home alone?"- wayward_painter
"NTA."
"You have 7 friends who also made arrangements to go to the cottage."
"Doesn't seem right to cancel the entire event just because your GF can't attend."
"Tell her to grow up."- Romy39
"NTA."
"That's just beyond weird and very juvenile and immature of your girlfriend."
"You booked the time off work; she should have."
"Her lack of poor planning doesn't mean you have to ruin your fun."
"You also invited 7 others, and it's very disrespectful. She thinks it's ok to ruin their plans too."
"And your entire family, too, who could have used the cottage that weekend if you had cancelled at the last minute and left it empty."
"She's very selfish."- Own-Year1678
"She's acting like a 15-year-old girl, not a 24-year-old woman."
"Guilt-trip you because she does so much for you, so you should not have fun with seven friends?"
"She's delusional!"
"NTA."- Only-upvibes
"Sooo why didn't she make sure she didn't have to work?"
"Or does she have a boss from hell or something?"
"You're NTA regardless, just wondering how bad the main character syndrome is on the gf."- Like_the_rainbow
"Your girlfriend wants eight people, including her boyfriend, to stay home all weekend, foregoing a long-planned trip, because she suddenly has to work?"
"How is this doing anything for her?"
"Does it make her happy to cause disappointment to others?"
"No wonder you are puzzled."
"Maybe you will get to the bottom of it after you and your friends have enjoyed your weekend."
"If your girlfriend follows up by demanding attention constantly with calls and texts so you can't in fact enjoy your weekend, I think your relationship is in trouble."
"Random selfishness is not a good look."
"NTA."- MightyMouse134
"NTA."
"She would have known about this weekend for ages."
"Your other friends have had this booked in for 2 months so if she couldn't take the time off she should have said."
"Even if she completely forgot about it and forgot to put the time in she needs to put her hands up and say 'sorry I f*cked up'."
"Go to your cottage."
"It's not selfish."
"She's being selfish, expecting you to cancel your and other people's plans 24 hours beforehand."
"How far away is it?"
"Could she drive as well if you went up Friday, hang out till lunchtime Saturday, and then head to work?"- Justan0therthrow4way
"NTA."
"She can get over it."- Trepenwitz
"NTA."
"She's selfish to the extreme."
"What's next?"
"If she has to work, then you now have to stay home & do nothing?"
"No more friends unless she can be there, too?"
"The way I see it is if it was just you too, fine."
"Honestly, for me, I'd probably not have an amazing time."
"But that's not the case."
"This is multiple other ppl."
"You would not expect her to stay home, nor would the majority of the world."
"She needs to get over herself … and request time off sooner next time."- Low_Attention_974
"So she wants eight people to cancel their plans because she has to work?"
"NTA and that's a serious level of entitlement."- MyDirtyAlt79
"Go have a good time, and when you get back, start looking for a gf who is not selfish."
"NTA."- pops1172
"NTA."
"Work obligations happen, but that doesn't mean your partner has to put your life on hold too."
"She can't expect you to cancel something that took months to plan."
"That's unreasonable, for me."- PerkfectCup
"NTA."
"Too many people involved, it wouldn't be fair to cancel."- Careless-Ability-748
"NTA."
"One thing you should think about: this isn't about her."
"You invited seven other people who took time off to be with you."
"It's too bad your GF wasn't able to get the time off, but that's her problem."
"You have seven people counting on you for making this weekend happening."
"She should stop acting like a toddler and grow up."- UnhappyCryptographer
It would be one thing if the OP planned on going solo for what was supposed to be a romantic weekend getaway, with just him and his girlfriend.
However, as this was a weekend involving several people planned many months in advance, it seems a bit much that the OP's girlfriend expected him to cancel as well.
Particularly if she was always going to be working, and he'd only be sitting around doing nothing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp