Some people take advantage of artists. They expect them to share their skills without any compensation for their art.
Redditor ThenSwim567 encountered this very issue with his girlfriend. So he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
AITA for telling my girlfriend she'd need to pay me if she wants my band to perform at her birthday party?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"It's my (20M) girlfriend's (20F) birthday next week and she's planning on having a party at her place."
"We were talking about it last night and she told me it would be really cool if my band could perform at her birthday party."
"I'm in a band with two of my friends and we're pretty famous locally."
"I told her I could perform at her party but she'd need to pay us."
"She flipped out and said I never do anything for her without expecting something in return."
"I felt like what I said was justified as it's not just me in the band but 2 other guys as well and they need to be paid for their time."
"AITA?"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was the a**hole.
"'Pretty famous locally' YTA. Deflate that head of yours." ~ threat-lvl-midnite
"Every guy in every band I knew in college really truly thought they weren't just 'three guys who get together in a garage but don't play actual shows.' Coincidentally, they'd all have described themselves as 'pretty famous locally,' too." ~ helpme_ima_hostage
"This is his girlfriend. Do it as her bday gift. If he needs to, pay his band members for her as her gift."
"That or say 'I'm sorry, my band members aren't available that day.'"
"Sometimes, you do nice things for your SO without instantly jumping to monetary compensation. especially when it's their birthday. I'm sorry you need to get paid every single time someone requests a favor."
"Also, he's in some random shitty college band. It's not a job. It's a hobby. Moreover, he's not missing out on other gigs because presumably he's gonna be there anyway. So, he's not losing out on money in this scenario. The only thing he's gonna lose is his GF lmfao." ~ basado_police
"No. NTA. Don't ask your friends and family to work for free, that shows a complete lack of respect for their work."
"If OP was an accountant and asked for money to do his girlfriend's taxes it wouldn't be a big deal, but he's a musician and our society views art as 'not a real trade' and undervalues the people who do it, even tho art is one of the things intrinsic to human culture that makes it work."
"My ex boyfriend asked me to do his band a logo while we were together, and you best believe i charged him for it, and he paid without complaining because he values my art and the time it takes me to do it."
"It would be different if OP was offering his band to play a set for free as a birthday gift, but he hasn't, she's asked them to play and as such should not be excused from any fees involved." ~ leftytrash161
Some were conflicted.
"Even if they were just 3 guys in their garage, they still have a right to charge for gigs. It's their ability and equipment and weekend being used here. I fail to see how OP is TA here, but that may also may be because I like to support smaller and localized acts and make sure they're being supported. Fuck me right." ~ mad87645
"On that first point, I'm willing to be that the same people who are here saying YTA to OP would also call anyone who wants to commission a visual art piece for free an asshole as well."
"Just pay artists for their art people, it shouldn't be a point of contention." ~ mad87645
"I dunno. I'm an artist, and I would definitely draw something as a gift for my SO's bday. The difference is that they're my partner, not some random on the internet demanding free work. Is he obligated to do this? Well, no. But damn, it's one day, and it's her birthday. Obviously she's gonna be hurt about it." ~ mildlypapery
"But to be fair, does your art also require 2 other willing participants who need to be paid, thousands of dollars worth of bulky equipment to be moved and set up (and will be a liability at a party) and it to take up a considerable portion of your weekend in a rigid fashion rather than being able to be undertaken at your own leisure (to a degree)?"
"Even though a commissioned visual art piece usually takes more hours to complete than the amount of hours total that go into a gig, there's loads more moving parts and pieces that need to fall into place for a successful gig to happen. It's not just 'for one day.'"
"Maybe I should've made the original analogy to be more like OP being in a play and the SO asking it to be performed at their party for free." ~ mad87645
"He gets paid for it, it's a job. It doesn't make a difference how big they are or what he does (if anything, we don't actually know despite you assuming they're just a 'shitty college band') outside of the band for work. It's a job, it's laborious, it requires skill, it requires creativity, it requires preparation, it has overheads, it has moneys invested into it, it requires risk management, it requires significant time investments outside of the actual gig."
"She can at least offer to pay him for the work he'd be doing rather than request he do it for free if it's that important to her that his band perform at her party, it's nice if he offers too but he should never be obligated too."
"My relationships aren't transactional (thanks for assuming again), but my work is. I may give free advice, I may offer discounts, but I don't work for free. Neither should anyone else. And conversely I don't expect my SOs/family/friends to work for me for free just because I have a relationship with them. I pay them for their time and work." ~ mad87645
It's something worth discussing.
Woman Breaks Up With 'Clingy' Boyfriend For Making Joke About 'Getting With' Her Sister
As much as we might want to date someone, there's no point in trying to gain the attention and affection of someone who does not want to reciprocate.
Dating someone "similar" to fill that void isn't a good look, either, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy-External1666 had been long-distance dating a guy from her friend group for about a month, even though he'd expressed his attraction to her older sister repeatedly before they started dating.
When her sister entered a new relationship, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and disgusted that her boyfriend insinuated that he could have been trying to "get with" her sister while he was instead busy dating her.
She asked the sub:
The OP was aware that her boyfriend had his eye on someone close to her before dating her.
"I (19 Female) am with M (21 Male), and we've been together for a month. We were friends before this, for a while."
"For some background, when we were in a friend group, he'd always talk about how my sister (23 Female) was super hot and how he wanted her, but she was in a relationship at the time."
When he found out that her sister had been in-between relationships, he had an unsavory reaction.
"Earlier today, I mentioned to him how my sister started seeing this new guy, and I was super proud of her, because she went through a lot with her last relationship."
"His immediate reply was, 'Dang,' one month too late' with a sad emoji, insinuating that he was one month too late to get with her, because we've been together for a month."
You can see the text message exchange here:
The OP was immediately turned off by the idea of dating him.
"After I got upset and he apologized, he immediately sent me a reel that said, 'When she's already upset about me, but I have a second joke in mind.'"
"I feel like he genuinely doesn't care about me."
"He has also gotten weirdly clingy within the month, like red-flag clingy."
"He keeps trying to say how he loves me, wants to marry me, and wants me to go live with him. But he also always brings up my exes and gets super jealous when HE mentions them."
"I don't know what to do. Should I block him??"
"He's mentioned before that I would need to block him on everything if we ever broke up because he'd never leave me alone (we are currently long-distance)."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some were grossed out by the boyfriend's text message and understood why the OP was upset.
"The fact that he wrote all that out and even added a little emoji at the end and still decided to send it, knowing it would be hurtful for you."
"Seems like he’s texted that to see if he could get away with it. Either way, you don’t say something like that to someone you care about…" - Oven_Traditional
"NOR. Ew! That’s so disrespectful coming from someone who should be thrilled to have you."
"I’m team 'dump him.' If he has a brother, maybe ask for his brother’s number as you end it just to see how he likes it." - Entire-Tonight-1463
"NOR. He's not joking about your sister. Based on what he's said about her in the past, it would have been a wise move to NOT date him at all. PERIOD."
'There's a possibility that he's clingy/close to you for the purpose of indirectly keeping an eye on your sister. Release him and let him go, thereby setting yourself free from foolishness." - AtlJazzy2024
"He’s not for you… Break up with him and block him. You deserve a guy who treasures YOU!" - Muted-Lynx-8745
"He might be your boyfriend, but you're not his girlfriend. In his mind, your sister is." - Save-your-spoons
Others urged the OP to block her boyfriend and move on.
"Girl, it's been a month. Let that loser go." - sleepymelfho
"He kept OP as a backup, while circling her sister's orbit. What has happened to transparency and honesty in relationships? All I read now is obnoxious men doing obnoxious things to their partners."
"OP, he's keeping you around to stay close to your sister. You deserve better... NOR." - ColdHandGee
"NOR. You know that he's not joking about wanting your sister. He told on himself before you even got together, talking about how hot she was. Believe him."
"Break up with him and cut him off immediately. I can't believe you ever agreed to date him in the first place. I'd never want to date someone who had the hots for someone else in my immediate circle, whether that was a sibling or a friend." - Lanky_Mud_8148
"You’ve been dating one month, and that’s one month too long."
"He’s not joking about your sister. He fancies her more than you, and you’re the consolation prize. He will pursue her given the chance."
"Time to dump him." - Special_Wind_6708
"NOR. He can't have your sister, so you're just the next best thing. Him being a clingy weirdo that 'will never leave you alone' is the cherry on top."
"You know what to do. Dump him and block him on everything. If anyone from the friend group asks, just tell them what you told us. And you REALLY should warn your sister; you have receipts." - sdoM-bmuD
"Ditch him. Honestly. What are you waiting for?" - forget_me_not_uwu
"NOR at all. Cut this loser out of all channels of your life."
"I wouldn’t block, though. Just ghost so that he can watch you become happier without him as the ultimate revenge because I’m petty like that, and he clearly deserves it."
"ALSO, if he's as creepy and clingy as he sounds, you can have him muted, so he can see your activity, but you won't have to see his... But you'd have all of his messages as receipts if he ever became threatening or stalkerish for police purposes."
"For more context: My mum started dating my dad (when she was 19, too), who initially tried to go for her older sister (two years older) and got rejected."
"After three years of dating, seven years of engagement, and 20 years of marriage where she put up with an incompetent man-child that wouldn’t do anything for himself and expected her to completely cater to him while he berated her and treated her like s**t..."
"...it ended in him cheating on her with a waitress for over a year and denying it until my mum had literal photographic evidence, to which he had the audacity to respond with the reasoning that she was the reason he was 'driven to cheat' (as if that was even remotely close to the truth and the only option to solve his ‘problems’)."
"Save yourself, girl. This man-child can learn to pine over you and your sister from afar as you both skip into the sunset together, moving on with your lives and into better relationships that fulfill you the way you deserve!" - peachycritter
Some cautioned the OP to also cover her tracks after the breakup, as he sounded worse than "clingy" to them.
"The actual scary part isn't even the sister joke; it's, 'he said he'd never leave me alone if we broke up,' only one month in."
"That line gave me chills, and that alone would have me Googling how to block someone on every platform that exists." - babydoodle91
"Ew. These super clingy guys right out the gate are scary. Please watch your step, and erase your tracks." - Immabirb
"He sounds like a stalker... Drop him now, fast. And block him everywhere." - Admirable_Program720
"NOR, yes, you block him, and you keep him out of your life, and you tell mutual friends that if they try to facilitate contact between you two, you will block them as well. He isn't joking." - JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"I watch way too much crime for this!"
"Girl, block him. Also tell your sister to block him, too; he’s obsessed with her." - MrsRoronoaZoro
"NOR. You're underreacting, honestly."
"He wants your sister, but you're close enough. He's obsessed with her and won't give it up even though he has someone he 'wants to marry.'"
"Also, he's not lying. He probably will stalk you online afterwards; please be careful." - Phoenix-Phire-38
"NOR at all. Your post kept adding on more red flags with each additional sentence. I know you’re young, but he’s toxic, and yes, you will need to block him."
"Breaking up with someone you have strong feelings for is really difficult, so when you leave, you should make sure to lean on friends and family and keep yourself distracted with things you like and find engaging." - query_tech_sec
"The s**t with your sister is nothing compared to the love-bombing and jealousy. This guy is trouble, and scary, and you will have done the right thing when you leave him and maintain the distance between the two of you. NOR." - potatomeeple
After receiving feedback, the OP posted an update, but it seemed to be only the beginning.
"Thank you for making me feel less crazy."
"I blocked him on everything and deactivated my Instagram."
"He DM'ed a girl that I had posted ONCE on my Instagram Stories, asking about me."
"I'm not sure if he's going to keep trying to talk to me, but I hope not."
The subReddit's internal alarm bells were ringing while reading the OP's post, and they hoped that she'd leave her boyfriend in every sense of the word. They already lived long-distance, but she needed to cut him off in every other sense.
Not only was it obvious that he wanted someone else and was with the OP to "make up for it," but his "promises" of not leaving her alone if she ever broke up with him were love-bombing and stalker-like, at best.