Content Warning: Controlling and Concerning Behavior, Non-consensual Behavior
No relationship is perfect, but there are some toxic behaviors that are so harmful, no one should stick around.
But when a person is in love, it can be hard for them to accept that, emphasized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subreddit.
Redditor Ancient-Character-63 loved his girlfriend and thought she was a wonderful person, but her mental health was worsening, making it harder for her to trust him.
But when she went so far as to not be able to trust him when he left the house without her inspecting him, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure if the relationship would survive.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for not wanting my girlfriend to do a 'sniff test' on my crotch every time I've been out?"
The OP's girlfriend had always been concerned about cheating.
"I know this sounds ridiculous, it is ridiculous, and I can't believe I even have to write this, but my partner (25 Female) insists that I (26 Male) would only have a problem with her wanting to smell my crotch when I come home if I were trying to hide certain smells."
"We've been together four years and lived together two. There's no history of cheating, but she's always been quite jealous and paranoid."
"She's been diagnosed in the past with EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)."
"In the past seven or eight months, she has gone overboard with it. She checks my phone constantly, which is fine, there's nothing to hide, but it does feel invasive."
"If I'm out with friends, she tracks me and expects me to check in constantly. If I ever take too long to reply, she accuses me of all sorts of things. If I'm late home, she thinks I've been with another woman."
The OP was perplexed by his girlfriend's latest demand.
"But about eight months ago, when her parents were getting a divorce because it was found out that her dad was having an affair, this started."
"I'd been out with a few mates at the pub, and unfortunately, my phone died. I actually cut my night short because I knew she'd be going crazy with worry."
"I got back, and straight away, the questions and accusations were flying. After explaining five or six times about my phone dying, she suddenly stopped, stood in front of me, and then got on her knees and started to pull down my trousers."
"Honestly, I thought I was about to get lucky for a second, but what actually happened is she started to sniff my crotch, and seriously, examine my little fella for signs of sex. What?"
The couple struggled to come to a solution.
"She later apologized for it and said she was just upset, but now she's been doing it on a weekly basis. When I tell her it's crazy and she needs to stop, she insists I would only mind her doing it if I thought she might smell something."
"She also said I'm welcome to sniff her genitals any time I want to, but yeah, no, that's just f**king weird."
"I don't want to break up with her. I know I've not been honest with myself about how bad it is, but I've decided to sit her down, and tell her that either she gets help and therapy, and I'll be there to support her, or it's over."
"She won't accept that all of this is bats**t crazy behaviour, so I'm hoping Reddit can help me show her that it very much is."
"So, please, for the love of God, tell me, am I wrong because I don't want my girlfriend to be constantly sniffing my genitals to check if I smell like sex?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out to the OP that this was abuse and that he shouldn't put up with it.
"NTA… This is abuse. Read this back as if a man were doing this to their partner… Then ask yourself why you are putting up with this level of abuse when everyone here would tell a woman going through this to run as fast as they could out of that type of relationship." - aricyl
"Aside from being completely insane, jealous, and controlling for absolutely no reason, she's amazing?"
"I'm sorry, dude, but she is abusing you. This is some serious, toxic as f**k deal breaker s**t, and you need to take a step back and really look at the situation here. No one is amazing enough for it to excuse this type of behavior towards their partner." - TopRamenisha
"I'm sure you love her, but you don't want to live like this for the rest of your life. Someone always doubting you and you feeling like you're always being interrogated and on trial creates a sense of panic and stress that will wear on you. Trust me. NTA." - Sweaty-Delivery-5300
"Dude. As insane as this seems to you, I need you to understand that it is quadruple that amount of holy baby Jesus bats**t crazy. And this will only get worse if she doesn't seek therapy ASAP."
"Please save yourself. There are women out there who won't track you, sniff you, root through your devices, and overall treat you like a criminal. Please free yourself. NTA." - MadameAllura
"Most people who really need therapy, sadly, believe they don't. Honestly, at this time in your lives, I don't think you can change her behavior all by yourself. I am sure she is genuinely a good person, but that doesn't make her a good partner automatically."
"I have friends like her, and no matter how many perspectives, advice, thoughts, etc. I or any friends (and in some cases therapists) have offered, it didn't change anything. In my own opinion, I think this type of behaviour will unfortunately get even worse as time goes on."
"You know what's best obviously, as you are the one living in it. Just make sure to think things through clearly. Wishing you all the best in your life, you sound like a very considerate and kind person." - fateisajoke01
"I wish someone had told me to break up with my ex. I wasted so many years of my life trying to fix this exact problem, only for her to eventually cheat on me. I know she's still like this, too. And I still have bad habits from that relationship, lasting damage that has made new relationships difficult."
"Run OP. Run hard and fast. From the sounds of your post, it's escalating, and it will continue to escalate until abuse. It's above your pay grade."
"I have insecurities. I have had them in every single relationship. These can be helped through therapy. Your girlfriend also has insecurities."
"The difference is that I talk through my insecurities with partners or develop healthy coping mechanisms solo; your girlfriend is uninterested in this behaviour, instead treating you poorly because it's easier. That is a moral and ethical failing, not something that will magically go away." - tghast
Others agreed and urged the OP to leave before things got worse, because they would.
"It's really the level of paranoia that is pathologically unhealthy. It would be a deal breaker for me personally. You should leave. This s**t doesn't get better." - shyfidelity
"She's going to get worse. Think about the level of escalation every time you become accustomed to the next level of jealousy and insecurity." - BadMan2Travel
"At least not without therapy, this girl needs therapy regardless of whether he stays or not, because she'll drag that into the next relationship if it's left unchecked. Between wanting to smell and check the groin, but also all the accusations and controlling and invasive behaviors, she shouldn't be in a relationship until that's been addressed and whatnot." - JustAnArtist01
"I know a lot of people on Reddit are quick to say break up, but this is a huge amount of toxic behavior from her, and if she really doesn't see anything wrong with it, then no amount of convincing from you will change her mind, and you will continue to be in this cycle of her jealousy."
"I don't think anyone would blame you for breaking up with her over this. NTA." - More-Atmosphere2867
"OP, you say it's 'getting' to the point of thinking of breaking up? It's... It's... GETTING to that point?? You aren't there?? Does she need to start strapping you to a chair and torturing you for you to get to that point?"
"Hello?! You are a frog boiling in water. A frog, if placed in boiling water, will jump out immediately to escape. However, if the frog is placed in lukewarm water that is slowly heated to a boil, it will not perceive the danger and will remain in the water until it dies."
"You are the frog near boiling point."
"It's time to get the f**k out. She is not mentally well enough for a relationship and needs therapy. That is HER journey, and you can't do for her."
"NTA, but you're being an a**hole to yourself for staying in this toxic relationship." - TruthfulBoy
The OP later admitted to how his eyes had been opened by the comments.
"Thank you, everyone, for your comments. My girlfriend has been diagnosed with EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder), so I usually put this stuff down to that and excuse it a bit."
"Honestly, I don't think I've been thinking about it seriously. I've been thinking of it as annoying, but writing it out is just like wow, what the actual f**k?"
"I know for a fact that she isn't cheating. The worst part is we're literally together 95 percent of the time. She just seems to have this fear that I'll cheat whenever we aren't together."
"I think I've been downplaying it in my head and making excuses for her. I really wasn't expecting some of the comments I've been getting. I know how bad it is, but I just really do love her, and apart from this, when things are good, they're great, and she's brilliant, you know?"
"I'd be willing to try therapy, so if I could get through to her, and she'd be able to admit how bad it's getting, I'd want to try and help her work through it and get better, because I see how unhealthy it is, and I really care about her."
"I want to believe she can get better. But these comments have helped me see how bad it really is. I'm going to sit down with her this week and insist we either get her help and therapy, or we'll have to end things. I hope she'll be willing, and if she is, I want to try and be there for her."
The subReddit was not only grossed out by what this guy's girlfriend wanted to do, but they were concerned by how toxic this relationship was, and how much more toxic it could get.
While it was admirable that this guy loved his girlfriend and wanted to work through this with her, if she was unwilling to work on, then it needed to be relationship over for the OP's sake.
