When you're a busy person who finally finds time to unwind on a well-deserved day off, the last they want is to be apprised of a surprise obligation.
That is exactly what happened to our Redditor who was looking forward to watching their favorite football team's upcoming game that conflicted with last-minute plans.
So he visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit after causing drama with their girlfriend.
There, Redditor Savings-Hearing2736 asked:
"AITA for being frustrated my gf volunteered me to help coworker move?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My gf told me that she volunteered me to help someone move this weekend, and i pushed back. Causing her to get upset."
"So my gf told me that she told a coworker that her and I would help her move into her new house. This was not something she consulted and asked me prior if that was okay."
"This coworker is also someone I have only met twice in a year of dating, along with someone that she has not hung out with outside of work events."
The OP continued:
"I was frustrated for a few reasons. I have only met this person twice, so I don't necessarily think I should be obligated to help them without my consent."
"My team's football game will be happening during this time. I feel like this time is the one time of week I actually have to do what I want and just relax (we see each other 7 days a week.) so that is a blow to me on top of just being a fan of the team."
"This is something I have continually tried to communicate to her saying when my team plays each week etc and how important it is to me."
The OP wrapped things up with their grievance.
"I honestly just wanted to relax this weekend and not do anything, and asked her to spend the weekend at my place (we almost always spend it at hers) while I did not explicitly say I wanted to relax this weekend (I know I could communicate better) typically when I ask to stay at my place that means we are going to have a relaxed weekend, since my place is further away from activities, etc."
"After pushing back to my gf stating those reasons, I was frustrated that she never asked me first, she went on to tell me I'm a bad person and she already told the coworker that I would help and should just help people move."
"Which I honestly feel is just not fair towards me at all. Am I in the wrong here?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA. I didn't even read your reasons, your simply NTA in any way shape or form because she didn't consult with you first."
"Myself and my girlfriend always consult each other before anything like that, even for friends and family we BOTH know. On top of that, we hold a 0 pressure situation about it, I didn't attend her work party or her best friends dads funeral, both of which I was invited to, and she has no issues with that."
"I went on a driving holiday earlier this year, my girlfriend wasn't too interested in days worth of driving or seeing the motor race that we drove to, I had no issue with this, I went with my dad."
"There should be no pressure to attend even if consulted, never mind if you weren't asked in the first place."
"For the 3rd time, NTA, don't let anyone tell you otherwise." – Klutzy_Wall_5894
"NTA. You don't have to do anything you didn't agree to. She definitely should have asked if you were willing first. I honestly see this as a glimpse into your future if you stay with her long term. She doesn't respect your time and thinks she can dictate how you use it." – Deep-Manner-4111
"NTA. I would approach the person you're supposed to help and just tell her that you're sorry but your GF unfortunately volunteered you without asking and you already had plans so you're not able to help."
"Don't need to explain why or what your plans are, but by explaining yourself, you can make it clear you weren't asked in case that's not what she is told." – ChatKat1957
"NTA. But don't relent. No matter the excuse/reason, bad behavior should NEVER be rewarded. You should also ask your gf what exactly is this 'it' that ppl do for each other. If she meant helping out others, then yes, that is a noble gesture, but that's not what this is about."
"You are taking exception to the fact that she volunteered your time and energy without even consulting you. Then she tried to guilt you into it by turning it into some classist bs. Since she's the one who brought it up first, you should ask her to explain how growing up poor gives her the right to trample all over you." – Extension_Climate471
"This is manipulation. People help each other out? Yes, yes they do. But people do not volunteer others without consulting them. "
"Snap out of it! Your girlfriend here is the one who should feel sh*tty! She made a rash decision to volunteer you, she wanst to get credit for your efforts, she cannot take responsibility for her mistake and puts it on you. She stomped over your boundaries. If you let her do it now, she will do it again. Guaranteed."
"It has nothing to do with income. Listen, people should have self respect regardless of income. It doesn't work different for poorer people... Utter bs." – Worldly-Feedback6663
"This is a slippery slope!!! It's the lack of communication that's the main issue here. Welp…guess I'll be the bad guy because I had plans and you didn't check with me first 🤷♂️You can tell YOUR friend you are sorry, I'm sorry or whatever she wants to come up with (sick,family event,etc.) but I won't be there."
"If you want to compromise a tiny bit you could say I can help from 8-10am but absolutely have to leave by 10 and then stick to your guns. Communication is key so if you offer this as an option and you have to trust that your GF will be on your side."
"If she says he has to go to a football game or something stupid then you will never help again. You both come up with a story and say 'I have a previous engagement that starts at 10:30 so I have to leave by 10.' She seems immature and will likely say something about a stupid football game but you know her best."
"NTA." – Itsmeimtheproblem_1
"Definitely NTA. Moving is like, the unspoken favor Olympics, and signing someone up without asking? That's a gold medal in volunteering others. Helping friends move is one thing, but a coworker you've met twice? And during a game?"
"That's borderline heroic levels of patience you're being asked for here. Maybe suggest next time she check with you first before committing to Team U-Haul—it might keep everyone a little more 'moved' by the weekend plans." – _Externails_
"NTA. Would it really have taken her that much effort to just check with you first? I don't volunteer my husband for tasks without checking with him first basically ever."
"He's not an extension of me, he's his own person, and he may have his own plans that conflict with whatever the other person is asking for. That's the argument you need to bring to this: it's really disrespectful to just volunteer you to do something without checking first." – algunarubia
"Remember that when the person you are dating/married to/in a relationship with tells you that you are a bad person because you won't do something they volunteered you for without asking, they are actually the bad person and are pushing you because you have upset them. One person should never volunteer another without asking first. That is common courtesy 101."
"Also remember that you do not have to give an explanation why your answer is no, and in fact, the more you try to explain, the worse things get. Maybe say:"
"GF: no, I will not be helping your co-worker move this weekend. It does not make me a bad person to tell you this. If you need to save face with your friend, then tell her that you volunteered me without asking and then found out I have other plans for the weekend that can't be changed."
"Or you can tell her that I'm a jerk and would rather party with my friends than help. It is up to you. In the future, do not volunteer me for things without asking me first. You can be angry with me all you want. Quite frankly I am rather peeved that you took it upon yourself to volunteer me, then you get pissy when I won't fall into line. I am unhappy that you won't be spending the weekend with me." – Tinkerpro
Aside from the fact that communication was obviously lacking in this relationship, they generally thought it was audacious of the girlfriend to make plans without the OP's consent.
While the girlfriend's motive stemmed from a place of kindness, Redditors definitely believed she was out of line in how she carried out the plan.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.