Everyone has a hobby or activity that brings them pleasure, and helps them escape from the doldrums of everyday life.
Particularly children, who often look forward to these activities even more than they do going to school.
Of course, most after school activities also cost a considerable amount of money.
Making them a luxury some children only dream about.
Redditor Next_Egg2567 kept themself quite busy with after-school activities.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s stepmother disapproved of their numerous activities, telling the OP they need to stop at least two of them.
A mandate the OP refused to oblige.
Wondering if they were wrong for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not giving up my hobbies?"
The OP explained why they had no intention of obliging their stepmother's demand:
"My dad recently married Kim who has 2 kids."
"I like to have a busy schedule so I attend soccer classes 3 times a week, Korean classes twice a week, piano classes once a week and painting classes also once a week."
"Now Kim thinks this is too much."
"She says there is no time and money left for her kids."
"She thinks I should stop playing soccer and piano because soccer is the most time-consuming and piano is the most expensive."
"I told her that she is not paying for my classes or giving me rides so it's none of her business."
"Perhaps she could ask their own dad to give them money and time, but oh wait, he is a deadbeat, so maybe she shouldn't have slept with him."
"She thinks I'm a selfish a-hole for not giving up my hobbies for her kids."
"My dad is on my side, so I'm not worried, but she keeps whining, which is annoying."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to give up their after school activities.
Everyone agreed that the OP's stepmother had no right to cut the OP off from their hobbies, particularly as she didn't contribute financially to them:
"NTA."
"Even though he's on your side here, your dad should talk to his wife to cut it out."- Medical-Analyst486
"NTA."
"You need to tell your dad you appreciate him being on your side, but Kim has to cut it out with the harassment of you."
"Also, I'm not sure if you have both parents in your life, but I would tell your dad, especially if he is the only parent in your life, that you are concerned about what happens to you if something happens to him."
"Kim has made it very clear that she doesn't think your dad should be spending money on you."
"If he dies without a will, all of his assets go to Kim."
"If he is going to remain married to Kim, which frankly, any parent worth anything at all shouldn't be with someone who treats their kid like this, then he should make sure to get with an attorney to record his wishes in a will and appoint an executor who is not Kim."
"I would not say anything about the father of Kim's kids being a deadbeat, even if that is true."
"That inflames the situation and moves you to co-ahole territory."
"I would simply calmly say, Kim, my activities are between me and my dad."
"Your thoughts and opinions are not welcome and will not be entertained."
"And walk away."
"Kim will likely lose her sh*t if you respond this way."
"Have your phone recording so you can show your dad how Kim behaves towards you."-Letters_from_summer
"NTA, enjoy your hobbies."
"You're righ,t she isn't paying for them, and it doesn't hurt her kids in any way if you keep yourself active and enjoy things you like."- Popular-Mulberry4329
"NTA and she is 100% overstepping."
"She should be speaking with your dad about this, as I imagine he's paying, and even then she is TA for asking."
"It has to be hard for her kids if they don't have the funds to do fun hobbies, and your dad as their stepdad could offer to help, but it isn't your job to make things fair; that is their job as a team."-My1stpseudonym
"NTA."
"Kim wants too much."
"She can work if she wants more money or sue her kids' dad to get alimony."- No_Fault_2268
"Definitely NTA."
"You're dad is paying for your hobbies."
"Honestly, these seem to be varied extra-curricular activities."
"Your parents should be glad that you're keeping yourself busy with them."
"She has no right to bombard her way into this and ruin your peace of mind."
"Your dad could also talk to her about this on top of just not giving in."- Cultural-Start-7242
"NTA at all."
"It's good your dad is on your side, both emotionally and practically."
"Don't give up your hobbies."
"You have the right to a life of your own."
"Did Kim protest about your hobbies before she married your dad?"
"She may be hoping you will give them up and provide free babysitting instead."-myblackandwhitecat
"NTA."
"She has no say in your hobbies."
"It's good that your dad has your back."
"He should tell his wife to leave you alone, though."- Emmereen
"NTA, because you are a kid and not in charge of the family budget."
"It's not right to make you have to take responsibility for that."
"This is between your dad and your stepmom."
"It's their job to decide how family finances are spent (and between your dad and your mom, and Kim and her kids' father, if there are child support agreements with them)."
"Unfortunately, if the family budget doesn't allow for everything the kids (including you) want to do, sacrifices may have to be made and you may have to accept them."
"All the kids' needs have to be taken into account and budgeted for - which means everybody may not get everything they want."- WolverineHour1006
"NTA."
"Buuuut..."
"So maybe she shouldn't have slept with him."
"Get that attitude out of your head before you end up 35, single, and miserable."
"Your dad is on your side; he (as the stepdad) should be taking some parental responsibility for his new stepkids, that shouldn't mean that you need to give things up."
"This should have all been worked out before he and Kim got married."
"Stay out of things that are between them and don't engage with Kim if she tries to guilt you."- lovesorangesoda636
"NTA."
"Your dad gets final say in how his money is spent, not Kim."
"If she wants her kids to be able to do stuff, then she can foot the bill herself."
"Not expect someone else to do it."- Old_Inevitable8553
There were some, however, who had a bit of trouble sympathizing with the OP, feeling that they weren't even trying to have a relationship with their stepmother, even if they still agreed that the OP's stepmother was out of line:
"ESH."
"She shouldn't be taking away from your hobbies like that so her kids can do more, that's a golden ticket to making you resent her and her kids."
"But you also clearly have an awful attitude towards her and are an AH for saying that stuff about her kids dad to her face, 15 is old enough to know when to keep your mouth shut."
"I can understand her thought process of it being unfair though, when I was growing up my dad made me stop piano lessons because he said they were too expensive (he definitely could afford them but he never liked spending money on me) but my stepbrother had guitar lessons and vocal lessons paid for by his parents as well as a gym membership etc and he was older than me and definitely old enough to get a job."
"My stepbrother still lives at home with my dad and stepmum and still doesn't have a job, whereas I've got my own place and a job and kid."
"It still pisses me off that he is lazy and gets everything paid for by my parents, but they rarely even bother to see me and their grandkid and never offer to help me out when money is tight."
"Ultimately, your step mum and dad need to come to an agreement between them on what is fair, and you need to sort out your attitude with her and remember that you are the kid and they are the adults."- Significant-Bee420
"ESH."
"You're so entitled."- tiredINFJ-T
If the OP continuing her after-school activities was placing a significant financial burden on their family, one imagines they would understand and cut back a bit.
However, seeing as this simply seems to be the OP's stepmother wanting the OP's father to spend more money on her children than his own, the OP has every right to continue.
Especially if it's unclear if the OP's stepsiblings have any extracurricular interests to begin with.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp