Inheriting a piece of jewelry or other treasured possession from a beloved grandparent is wonderful.
The experience is made even better when that grandparent presents the item to their grandchild personally, instead of waiting for the reading of a will after their death.
But what if they change their mind? Do you have to give the gift back?
A granddaughter turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback. AITAH is similar to AITA, but it doesn't issue official judgments or have set voting acronyms, focusing more on advice and relationships.
CutieLexiStar asked:
"AITAH for refusing to give my grandma back her wedding ring after she gave it to me 'by accident'?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"OK, so I know this sounds bad, but hear me out. My grandma (85, female) gave me (26, female) her wedding ring about 6 months ago during this really emotional family dinner where she was talking about getting older and wanting everyone to have something meaningful from her before she goes."
"She gave me the ring because she said I was the only one who still believed in 'real love' (her words not mine) and honestly I cried when she gave it to me. We hugged and everything—it was a whole moment."
"Fast forward to last week, and my cousin (29, female) gets engaged and suddenly my grandma calls me and says she wants the ring back so she can give it to her. Like she actually said, 'I didn't mean to give it to you permanently' and that she was just 'emotional that day'."
"I told her no. Not in a rude way, I just said like, 'hey that ring meant something to me too and I've been wearing it every day' since she gave it to me."
"It feels like a piece of her and it honestly helped me through a breakup recently. She got really weird and said I was being selfish and immature and that the ring was meant to stay in the married side of the family."
"I'm single by the way as of now, things might change in the future."
"Now my whole family is saying I'm 'stealing from an old woman' and 'taking advantage of her memory loss'—which I didn't even know she had. Like, no one mentioned that until now."
"My cousin posted some cryptic Instagram story about 'what's meant for you won't be stolen by someone desperate' and I swear it was about me."
"I feel like if she really gave it to me and meant it at the time, I shouldn't have to give it back just because someone else got engaged. Like, that's not my fault, right?"
"AITAH for keeping the ring?"
Some Redditors responded with the voting acronyms from AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors who voted decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Another point that needs raising is that if she wasn't mentally fit to give you the ring, are the other items she gave out that day also going to be returned?" ~ jinglepupskye
"And she's not mentally fit to give it to cousin, now, either. It's a hypocritical plot and I wouldn't be surprised if cousin hadn't said, 'oh, I wish you still had your ring...'." ~ MisfortuneInDisguise
"This. Is everything being given back or is OP the only one not getting something from grandma?"
"OP should get a list of what else was given out and tell those people that grandma was 'too emotional' that day and wants all those things back." ~ notthedefaultname
"Maybe she WAS mentally fit when she gave it, but she's NOT mentally fit now when she's asking for it back." ~ perpetuallyxhausted
"Your grandmother and family are sh*tty people. But now you know WHO they are."
"Apparently how you feel doesn't matter."
"Give her the damned ring and let her know that you made a mistake that day too. Thinking that she loved and respected you."
"Make sure they aren't a priority in your life from now on." ~ grayblue_grrl
"This. At this point, the ring doesn't even mean anything anymore... it's just a symbol of you being brushed off."
"I would start by asking if everyone else was returning what they had been given, or if you were the only one getting a '90 day trial gift, instead of something real'."
"Then I'd take it a step further and just return it, thank them for really showing you how much you mean to them, and... if anything else is even offered in the ring's place..."
"Just turn it down and explain that you 'don't want to have to go through another repo episode later when their neighbor gets a new pet or they need a holiday gift for the mail carrier or whatever else will end up more important at that time'."
"I'd have it professionally engraved. Go over to a Tolkien subreddit for a Tenguar inscription that reads something like 'May woe befall my wearer'." ~ Prudii_Skirata
"Tell her you'll return it at the next big family dinner with a speech of your own. Love in their family has a 90-day return policy so the ring is obviously cursed and no marriage will last longer than 90 days. Hand to cousin with a smile." ~ Beth21286
"Give granny back the ring, but before you do, spit on it in front of her and curse whomever wears it, that they will forever be betrayed by those they love, like you were." ~ Terrible_Kiwi_776
"NTA OP. Your grandma, though, is questionable. Usually our elders leave itemized wills so we get what we get, if anything."
"My great aunt wore all her rings until she went into a home and got sick, which is when I and her solicitor collected the jewellery and had them held in a safe at her bank. I inherited all her jewellery and I feel exceptionally lucky to have done so."
"I was the only person in her will and the rest went to charity."
"I had always admired one particular ring and asked for that, I didn't care about money, just sentimental items, anything I got would be a bonus, but I always said I'd rather have her even if she haunted me."
"She had dementia and some were lost before we secured them, unfortunately, but her wedding set and that ring weren't. I wear the ring daily and I feel it brings me closer to her."
"I look at it daily and smile. That ring means the world to me as does her wedding set because she was my world. She was my only family and I hers, I owe who I am today to her."
"If I were you, and my aunt had given me them preemptively and demanded them back, I would have handed them over and never spoken to her again."
"But she wouldn't have done that because she was a warm and loving woman whose word held something. Your Gran seems to sway between things and be a bit cold. Give the ring back and shut down if she tries to contact you." ~ fergie_89
"Wondering how much of this is a jealous family member whispering in her ear and taking advantage of her mental decline."
"OP should speak with an estate attorney. See what the legal side of things are. She may have had her faculties when she gave the ring to OP originally, and has declined since then."
"If this is the case, an argument can be made that this was a gift. And now that grandma has declined further and has been told who knows what by other family members, she does NOT have the faculties to undo what she has done. The lawyer will be able to tell OP if they are in the clear." ~ Scorp128
"NTA, but I would give it back. In your shoes that ring would be tainted for me. It's obvious she just wants to give it to the grandkid getting married. Drop it off in an envelope with a letter."
"'The day you gave me this ring meant a lot to me. It was a symbol for the love and care you have for me. I guess it still is now that you've taken it back. Message received, loud and clear'."
"At least that's what I would do. I couldn't feel good having it anymore. I would give it back, or just pawn the damn thing."
"One way gets the family off your a**. The other hurts them as much as this has hurt you. It boils down to what kind of relationship you want from them going forward." ~ SilentJoe1986
"NTA. But I'd give it back and let her know you won't ever accept anything from her again, since you'll never know if you'll be expected to give it up the next time she decides someone else deserves it more."
"Then walk away and drop the rope." ~ PonyGrl29
"NTA. Everyone at the dinner witnessed her giving you the ring. It's not like you tricked her or stole it."
"But It's tainted now, so I would return it while burning that bridge."
"'Cousin, you can have grandma's ring. It used to be meaningful to me, but now it just represents how fickle and false family can be. You truly deserve grandma's ring'." ~ ShinyAppleScoop
The OP was reassured keeping the ring was her right, but more questioned why she would want to.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp