Parents generally try their hardest to do what is best for their children.
But when it comes to medical needs, sometimes it's really hard to decide what the best choice would be, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor tryingtomakeitwork34 was torn after doctors explained that his infant daughter was profoundly deaf and the subject of Cochlear implants.
When his decision threatened to divide his family, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he had made the wrong one.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not accepting my parents' offer to pay for my daughter to get Cochlear Implants?"
The OP and his wife educated themselves on the Deaf community.
"My wife and I (34 Male) had our daughter a year ago. 5 months ago we found out she was profoundly deaf."
"At first, we immediately considered a cochlear implant as our next course of action for her."
"My wife and I are both hearing and assumed it would be best to at least give her a chance to be 'hearing' in a predominantly hearing world."
"But a friend of mine suggested getting some perspective from a few hard-of-hearing individuals before we made our decision."
"We joined a few Facebook groups and also met with a few representatives from a local school for the deaf and just tried to learn about the deaf community and deaf culture."
Educating themselves impacted their decision for their daughter.
"It opened our eyes, and my wife and I both came to the decision to hold off and wait until our daughter could choose for herself whether or not she wanted the surgery."
"In the meantime, we have started learning ASL (American Sign Language) in preparation for when our daughter is ready."
The OP's parents made a special offer regarding their granddaughter.
"It was towards Christmas when we made our decision, and around the same time, my parents asked to meet with us before Christmas."
"We were out to eat just the 4 of us when my parents handed us a card."
"Inside was a beautiful and heartfelt letter explaining that our parents wished to pay for our daughter to have the surgery with some of their saved retirement."
The OP's parents were confused by his response.
"We were touched by their offer, but then I had to explain to them that we had decided not to go forward with the cochlear implant, which we had told them and the rest of our family by then."
"My parents said that they assumed we had put off the surgery due to the cost because we had mentioned that our insurance wasn't covering it fully. It was still covering a good amount, but we would still need to pay around $10,000 ourselves when it was all said and done."
"I again thanked my parents but told them that it wasn't due to the money and explained our process for how we came to the decision."
The OP's parents were concerned about their relationship with their granddaughter.
"My parents were very upset. They feel like they won't be able to connect with our daughter as well if she were to get the implants."
"They don't want to sacrifice the time they have with their granddaughter and also said we were putting the entire family in difficult positions by expecting them to learn ASL rather than to let our daughter get the surgery."
"I told them that our daughter could still choose to get the surgery when she was older."
"I admit it would be more difficult for her then than it would be now before she has started to really develop, but she could still learn."
The whole family was tense after that.
"This whole thing has caused a substantial rift in our family."
"A lot of our relatives understand my wife and I's reasoning but also see it as selfish to completely disregard our parents' generous offer."
"I haven't seen much of my family, and it ruined our holiday, and even now my parents are holding out and insisting every time we see them to take them up on their offer."
"I've tried to explain to them that the cochlear implants won't make our daughter hear like how we hear, but 'hearing,' and she also deserves to know and be around those like her."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP should absolutely give his daughter a chance at hearing "normally."
"NAH."
"I'm profoundly deaf and understand the dilemma you are facing. The deaf community can be amazing, but unless you're willing to move to where there is a large deaf community, then you really need to consider how much you'll be depriving your daughter."
"Cochlear implants aren't perfect, but they'll give her a chance at having a 'normal' life where she's not isolated to only interacting with people who know ASL."
"This is a very personal topic for me and I feel for OPs daughter."
"Although I've said NAH, I still feel very strongly that OP seriously needs to reconsider waiting, and that they should just move ahead with the CIs. They should also still learn ASL and communicate with their daughter both verbally and with sign." - thatdoesntseemright1
"Pardon my ignorance… but wouldn't it just be like wearing glasses, in theory? Like… why go through life missing an integral sense of the human experience, if there's an option not to?"
"If someone was blind, or even colorblind, yes, they will adapt and can move perfectly great lives… since they wouldn't know what they were missing… but if you could provide them a tool to experience what they were missing, what are the downfalls of this?"
"I will wholly admit I don't know much about how cochlear implants work, so I'm sure it's more nuanced than I am making it."
"Just trying to understand." - Lorien6
"There are multiple perspectives on this, and lots of valid points to be made. But I will say there is a major drawback to not getting the implant early, and it is related to neuroplasticity."
"The human brain goes through massive changes early in life, related to hardwiring the sensory experience in the brain."
"By giving a young child access to a given modality and exposure to stimuli, they become more proficient at making use of the modality to cognitively process the stimuli. Basically, the more we see, the better we get at seeing; the more we hear, the better we get at hearing."
"The lack of exposure at a young age can't just simply be made up for later in life. The formative years are just that: formative."
"I'm not advocating one way or the other, just pointing out something worth considering." - Echoplex99
"I have taught profoundly deaf students and had an interpreter in my classroom and have had this conversation with deaf teachers many times. And now, ironically I have become deaf myself from a virus."
"There is a small window of time in a person's life when their language acquisition skills are primed like a race car, ready to roll. And this is before they turn 18."
"Unless you are planning to surround yourself with the deaf community, send your child to your state deaf school, and university at Gallaudet, you are choosing to limit them in a hearing world."
"I know you are trying your best to make the right decision for your child, but you should be aware that along with your choice comes severe academic difficulties."
"If I had a deaf child, I would choose to get them CI in a heartbeat, and also get them fluent in ASL, so then they truly have the choice as an adult. They would have so much difficulty learning an oral language if they got CI as an adult."
"NAH - I know you are giving this so much thought." - Difficult_Dot_8981
Others disagreed and said the OP was right to get consent from his daughter later.
"I personally am beyond grateful my parents held off on a cochlear for me."
"Hearing aids technology at the time wouldn't have worked for me and doctors said it was unlikely to ever be possible for me to hear without an implant. Well, they were wrong."
"Modern hearing aids let me hear fine when wearing them and my ability to hear wasn't destroyed completely by getting an implant. Having the agency over that decision helped me so much." - MountainBean3479
"It's freaking elective brain surgery, twice, on an infant."
"It's not the same as therapy or hearing aids, or surgery that will help her gain independence."
"It will permanently silence any natural hearing that she has (if any) and will leave her dependent on technology to communicate. There will be times daily that she is completely cut off from her ability to hear, since you can't wear them while sleeping."
"They need to be charged, they break rather easily if kids are rough on them, and you can't get them wet, so no hearing during bath time or any form of water play."
"The kid still needs alternate ways to communicate." - Glittering_knave
"I was born with congenital cataracts. I had my lenses removed as a baby. Luckily, glasses worked. Without glasses, my world was like looking through an unfocused camera lens but to a larger degree."
"They had to wait until my eyes stopped growing to get lens implants. I didn't want them. At all. I don't know why, I just didn't. I was fine with having glasses."
"Well, when I was 17, my mom made me get the implants."
"And I see worse than I did with glasses. By a lot."
"I can hardly see the TV screen from sitting on the couch. I have to sit on the floor to play Mario Kart with my friends and fiance. I have a harder time reading. I have halos in one eye and reflections of light in the other. Like, as I look at my phone, I can see my phone screen twice in one eye."
"It f**king sucks. I know it's a LOT different than OP's situation, but in my opinion, unless it is life-threatening, always get consent from the person getting the operation."
"This wasn't the only surgery that I was forced into, and the other one has literally made my life h**lish as it was botched and my leg is broken. It will never heal until I can afford surgery to maybe fix it."
"Please. Get consent."
"The people in this kid's life will love them either way, whether they talk funny or not. People who make fun of them can p**s right off anyways."
"I was made fun of for having glasses (because they made my eyes look HUGE because they were super strong) before I went to a school for the blind. I never had that problem again. If you enroll your kid in a school for the deaf, no one will make fun of her there." - kittyidiot
The subReddit absolutely appreciated the OP's thoughtfulness and his desire to make the best decision for his daughter. That being said, the sub was divided on what that meant.
For some, consent was a leading concern, as the surgery is invasive, and an infant would have no means of objecting. But if she were to want the implants later, their effectiveness would have been arguably diminished, since she would already be beyond the age of greatest effectiveness.
No one should envy a parent needing to make a decision like this one.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp