Grieving the loss of a significant other is a painful process.
It's especially difficult when they perish quickly from a horrible disease.
There is so much to be done and never enough time.
That's why it's always great to have the support of loved ones.
But some loved ones can't help but make it about them.
Redditor ProudFormal8139 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not giving my sister my wife's clothes?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife was a corporate lawyer and mediator."
"She had some very nice work clothes."
"She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was gone within two years."
"The last six months of her life were hell."
"My sister Sarah didn't do jack s**t for us of us during that time."
"My wife never liked her."
"I do not like her."
"She is a selfish cow."
"At my wife's wake, she started asking about my wife's clothes, and I brushed her off."
"She wanted to pick out a few pieces to 'remember my wife by,' and I ignored her."
"It's been six months, and I've attended my mom's birthday, but I'm still not in the mood to deal with people."
"Then Sarah comes, asking about my wife's clothes."
"I told her my wife wanted me to donate them to this women's shelter, that she often helped at."
"It will help women in need with their own court cases, court appointments, and job interviews."
"My sister Sarah said my wife was even selfish in death."
"I asked her what the f**k did she mean?"
"And she started going off on how my wife always thought she was better than her, and it's not fair that the clothes are going to charity and not to family."
"I told my sister I would rather see my wife's clothes lit on fire than on her back."
"My sister started crying, and my mom came over to see what was wrong."
"My mom told me to be easy on my sister because she was taking my wife's death hard."
"The f**king insanity of that coming out of my mom's mouth made me grab my gift and leave."
"My mom acts like I had to ruin her birthday by being melodramatic, but I cannot believe their emotional blackmail towards me over f**king clothes that they have no right to."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Besides the fact that you are following your wife's wishes, your sister is acting like a vulture."
"And why is your mother worrying about your sister taking your wife's death hard when you were the one who lost their wife?"
"So, no, you are doing nothing wrong."
"You are still grieving, your sister is treating you like a thrift store, and your mother is completely ignoring your grief because another family member is better at being dramatic." ~ bamf1701
"Yeah, Mommy dearest there needs to read up on Ring Theory."
"What a complete fail parenting moment that was."
"But I hope that a moment was all it lasted."
"My condolences to you, OP."
"You're doing right by your wife's wishes."
"She was taken far too soon from this world, but even in death, she can do so much good for a whole lot of women in need."
"When you're ready to follow through and part with some of her things, she will be proud of you and your strength." ~ spentpatience
"NTA. It's your wife."
"How dare Sarah mention it at the funeral."
"Entirely selfish and classless and callous to your pain."
"And then to bring it up again and say it's to remember your wife by!!!"
"She doesn't care about your wife and never did."
"And then to insult your deceased wife by calling her selfish..."
"Your mom is also a problem."
"Sarah is having a hard time with your wife's death? Really?"
"Not you, the husband?"
"I'm sorry, but your sister and your mom sucks."
"You should reevaluate why they're in your life and if they deserve to be." ~ archetyping101
"It's incredibly selfish to ask for her clothes at all! I agree with you the funeral was the #1 worst place."
"We had people asking for my father's tools before we even had the funeral."
"I don't get some people." ~ Zoo-Keeper-98
"When my mom died, my sister and I bought her a new suit for the viewing and to be cremated in."
"She hadn't spent money on herself in years, and we felt she deserved it."
"My grandmother told us, at the viewing, that she'd like the suit."
"We were both shocked but stammered out something about how we wanted our mom to have something nice one last time." ~ ailweni
"NTA and you're right, Sarah is 100% a selfish cow."
"Who would begrudge clothes being given to WOMEN IN NEED who are trying to get their lives on track?"
"Sarah, that's who."
"And your mom tells you that Sarah is taking your wife's death hard? Ummm, what?"
"With a family like that, who needs enemies?"
"I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hope you have people in your circle who treat you a whole lot better."
"I'm sorry for your loss." ~ Vivienne1973
"NTA, your sister, and your mother are unhinged if they think anything they said is in any way appropriate."
"I'm sorry about your wife's death and I'm sorry your family sucks."
"Might be time to go L[ow] C[ontact]/N[o] C[ontact]." ~ C_Majuscula
"NTA. Your sister is being manipulative, though it's hard to see if her behavior is driven by jealousy or pure greed."
"I'd be willing to bet she just wants to find any expensive pieces to sell on Poshmark or something."
"Sounds like your mother is suffering from some sort of Stockholm syndrome dealing with your sister."
"I'm sorry, but this is what your relationship with your family looks like." ~ DropstoneTed
"What the hell did I just read?"
"She's demanding clothes and calling your dead wife selfish?"
"For thinking of ways to empower women WHILE DYING?"
"Be nice because your sister is taking YOUR WIFE'S death hard?"
"Gonna go with NTA."
"I am sorry for your loss."
"And that your mother and sister are delusional."
"I'm not fond of my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] but for God's sake if she had cancer you bet your a** I'd be cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the dogs for them." ~ Dangerous_Abalone528
"NTA, it's easy to see who the favorite child is, and who only cares about the sister getting everything she wants."
"I bet the posters guessing that the clothes will end up on Poshmark or another sale site are exactly right."
"What will sister's next demand be?"
"Wife's car? Jewelry or other property?"
"Sister and mother are despicable." ~ Dangerous_Ant3260
"NTA. WHAT?"
"Is Mom taking some really hard drugs for that statement?"
"cause that was just downright f**king dumb your sister isn't the one who was married to your belated wife."
"Sorry for the loss sir." ~ Queasy-Leg1273
"Your sister is a massive AH, and I'd put my foot on the gas to make sure she knew that."
"Your mom is bordering on AH if she's gonna take her side."
"Don't you dare give her a damn thing?"
"Asking about her clothes at her wake?"
"Are you fu**ing kidding me?"
"I'd tell her she should've been the one in the casket if this was a fair world."
"But I'm very passionate and protective about those I love most." ~ GrumpyLump91
"NTA of course."
"You are honoring your wife's dead wishes."
"I will say you probably should not have continued to escalate at your mom's birthday."
"Your sister said something super insensitive and rude, and you could have just replied with 'that was insensitive, I do not want to talk to you anymore' and walked away."
"Saying the bit about lighting the clothes on fire is just an escalation at an event that is about your mom, not the two of you."
"Of course, your sister also escalated and made it about her, but you can't control what she does, only how you react."
"But in general, f**k your sister." ~ blazingdonut2769
"NTA, I would go full NC after that stunt, and I never suggest that on here."
"Your sister only cares about herself."
"You lost your wife, and she's telling you to go against your late wife's wishes to give her selfish a** her clothes."
"My dad didn't even have any specific wishes for his clothes, but I still wouldn't give them to a rando who didn't even like him."
"I kept some and donated what I didn't want to keep."
"Would it not feel very weird to see your sister in your wife's clothes???"
"Ask your sister why she's so intent on looking like your wife because it's creepy." ~ AggravatingClick9578
"NTA. WTF!"
"Who approaches a man at his wife's wake to ask about her clothes?"
"A selfish cow."
"When you're ready, donate the clothes to the women's shelter."
"They will appreciate them so much more than your sister."
"You need to distance yourself from your mom and go NC with the selfish cow."
"Sorry for your loss." ~ WishboneMoney3342
"Holy god your sister sucks. NTA."
"Your sister was not taking your wife's death hard; your mom is an appeaser and not a believable fibber."
"Walk away and have little contact with your sister until she can find some other person's clothes to steal and sell." ~ Typical2sday
"Your mother and sister are a**holes who do not care about you losing your wife to cancer and the grief you are going through."
"Your selfish a**hole sister only cares about what she can get out of the dead woman she judged and hated."
"Your mother clearly favors and enables your narcissistic, self-absorbed sister."
"Your sister does not deserve your wife's clothes. NTA." ~ Neonpinx
"NTA and I'd be done with my mum and my sister. Your mum is the reason your sister is the way she is, clearly, so neither of them is ever going to think they've done wrong because they're martyrs."
"That's why your wife dying is such a problem, because they cannot 'compete' with her anymore, so they're pulling this garbage."
"It's f**king gross."
"They're trying to one-up a dead woman, and I'd tell them to go f**k themselves and be done with them." ~ RubyJuneRocket
"NTA, I feel for you; I lost my dad to cancer four months ago."
"It's incredibly hard."
"And I was about to kill someone who tried to go through his things after I told him not to do that." ~ AnotherCloudHere
My goodness, OP, this a terrible situation.
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.
OP, Reddit is on your side.
Your sister and mother had no right to treat you this way.
Low to no contact may be a good idea for a while.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp