Not everyone invited to a wedding is going to be thrilled about the event. Sadly, not all relationships are supported by the couple's loved ones. Most people with objections let go and let God.
The heart wants who it wants and loved ones have to trust that the couple getting hitched knows what they're doing.
A few people though, can't help but try to pull a few stunts to derail the proceedings.
Redditor ThrowRAOpposite_Poet wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA For Kicking my Mother out of my Wedding After She Brought my Ex as Her Plus One?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (M[ale] 30) started seeing June (F[emale] 29) about three years ago."
"My mother has never really liked June for a couple of reasons, the main one being the fact that June didn't let my mom push her around."
"She kept firm boundaries, which I really admired, and she even helped me do the same."
"My mom hated this, calling June controlling and wishing I hadn't broken up with my previous girlfriend Margo, who my mom loved."
"I was with Margo for 5 years and it was horrible."
"Margo was very controlling and manipulative and always guilted me into things I wasn't comfortable with."
"But thanks to support from friends and my sister, I was able to leave her."
"It was hard, but I had help, and my life has improved since."
"My mom was very upset with this, but not all relationships last, so she eventually let it go until I started dating June about a year later."
"When June and I announced our engagement, my mom didn't freak out, which was weird considering that my mom hates June."
"She was very calm, but I just took it as she was finally accepting us, and so I didn't think much of it."
"Everything was fine and smooth up until the wedding."
"I gave both my parents a plus one to the wedding since they remarried after I graduated college."
"So I'm not close to their spouses, but I gave them the option of inviting them."
"We had a very small ceremony."
"Just immediate family and a few close friends."
"After the ceremony, June and I went to take pictures and then met back with everyone we invited to the reception, which was pretty big."
"When we got there, My sister and June's best friend/maid of honor ran up to us in a panic."
"Before they even said anything, I spotted it."
"My mom was at the table with my dad, my dad's wife, and Margo."
"I wanted to freak but June kept me calm."
"I walked over, pulled them both aside, and simply told them to leave."
"My mom tried to explain Margo, and I are soulmates, and June is just in the way of true love, but I wasn't hearing it."
"I didn't care."
"I just got my best friends to escort them out, and I returned to the party where, luckily, after a few moments, I was able to relax and enjoy it."
"I really didn't think this would all turn into something huge, but me and June just got back from our honeymoon where we didn't have our phones, and seeing mine, I saw hundreds of texts from multiple family members."
"They all think I was an a**hole for kicking my mom out of her only son's wedding."
"For the record, she was there for the ceremony but apparently was really upset she was kicked from the reception."
"Here's a summary of my family's thoughts."
"Some think I could have just ignored Margo and didn't have to 'freak out.'"
"A few others, including my dad, think I should have just kicked out Margo and let my mom stay, but after the stunt my mom pulled, I didn't want her there either."
"I'm starting to second-guess myself since everyone is really mad."
"June and my sister are on my side, but I fear my dad may be right, and I should have just let my mom stay and made Margo leave."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So I've come to Reddit, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"OP please send this to everyone and block those defending your mom's action."
"NTA OP, by the way."
"Why is it you are expected to keep peace when your mom disrespected you and your wife on your wedding day?"
"I'd consider N[o] C[ontact] too after this whole thing with your mom OP." ~ bunnywasabi
"NTA. Your mother was there to sabotage your marriage."
"She told you that the bride was a mere inconvenience."
"She brought in a replacement, your ex."
"June should not have to suffer anyone behaving like that in her wedding reception."
"Throwing her out the way you did was absolutely the right thing to do." ~ Mean-Fix7821
"Agree here OP."
"And I'd share what your mother said at the reception."
"She was cruel in her comments about your wife."
"That warrants NO CONTACT."
"Ask your father if he'd tolerate you saying those things about his new wife/SO."
"I say BULLS**T to your mother."
"Just pretend she's dead."
"She's toxic." ~ Tight-Shift5706
"And what did mom expect—OP saying 'Oh! You're right Mom—Margo IS my soul mate—I will get an annulment and run off with Margo!'"
"Mom has some big irrational thinking or just wants to be right. June sounds like an amazing woman, boundaries and all."
"OP is NTA." ~ dodoatsandwiggets
"NC with mom and everyone who supported her."
"No second guessing, full NC."
"Someone who does something like that will more than likely continue to try and interfere." ~ wubster64
"NTA. Kicking Margo out would not have been enough."
"Side note, who tf goes to their ex's wedding with his mom? psycho."
"Your mother actively tried to sabotage your wedding."
"She brought an abusive ex and then said your new wife was in the way. That's appalling."
"She deserved to be kicked out and your family should acknowledge that she clearly didn't want to be there."
"She wanted to hurt you and your wife." ~ Apprehensive_War9612
"I can't believe that there are grown adults who are so childish and petty they'll go to an ex's wedding as a mean-spirited plus one when you broke up four years ago."
"She could have gotten a whole degree in that time period, but she still wants to be the same person who got dumped."
"NTA OP - Block and go live your life with your new wife." ~ ilovechairs
"Weddings are to celebrate the couple getting married."
"Mom obviously didn't want to partake. Goodbye."
"Probably for good. NTA." ~ InfiniteRosie
"I'm also wondering what the game plan here even was ????"
"Margo was at the reception AFTER the ceremony, so OP was already married to June."
"So was the point for him to see her after already committing his life to June, realize how much he loves her, and then file for the world's quickest annulment or divorce so he could be with her????"
"I mean it's just beyond dumb." ~ GramNotGraham
"I'm pretty sure the game plan was to simply punish them, especially June, by being an absolute d**k and attempting to spoil the wedding."
"I mean no way this woman thought this would actually lead to her son getting back with Margo."
"So if mom doesn't get her way, then she will simply make everyone else as miserable as she can." ~ Crumbtinies
"Legally speaking, there would be no need for divorce or annulment because the marriage license had not yet been filed."
"They could tear up the license and walk away as if the wedding didn't happen."
"Maybe that's what the Mom was counting on or hoping for." ~ Immediate-Ad7531
OP responded...
"Number 3 is a good point and something I'll remind my Dad."
"My Mom has always been like this, very dramatic and demanding of getting her way so my entire family is very used to it."
"I think they expected me to just let my Mom do her thing and ignore it like I usually did in the past."
"Although dramatic she was still a very caring and supportive mother while I grew up."
"She's still my Mom, even as she continues to be like this."
"I still can't really imagine my life without her in it."
"But I do now have a new commitment, June, so I think I do have to begin to consider cutting all contact with her."
Reddit continued...
"NTA - Your wedding, your rules."
"If there's one day you get to be selfish with your partner, it's this day."
"And what your mom did was manipulative (and f**k Margo for going along with it)."
"Maybe your mom and Margo should start dating each other since they have things in common like being controlling and manipulative." ~ AwesomeAsian
"Bet mom won't give up either."
"Anything she gets invited to or crashes will be with Margo traipsing along with her."
"Anyone who supports the mother should be blocked."
"How despicable of anyone to support her."
"I like the email the first posters suggested, blast it out to everyone, and anyone who still supports her needs to go bye-bye."
"Don't be surprised when others you least suspect keep mom informed about every event." ~ Dangerous_Ant3260
"NTA, your Mom kicked herself out."
"Your mother loved Margo cos she is your mother, a bully and controlling."
"Enjoy your new marriage and your firm boundaries."
"Tell your Dad that your mother made the choice to leave her husband at home to create drama and that's not a loving mother at work so she doesn't get to enjoy the wedding, NTA." ~ SadFlatworm1436
"NTA. Your mom crossed a line by inviting your ex, Margo, to your wedding reception without permission."
"This was disrespectful to both you and your wife, and you had every right to ask them both to leave."
"Your wedding day was about you and June, and your mom's actions undermined that."
"While some family members may be upset, you were right to protect your boundaries and the peace on your special day." ~ janneholly
"NTA. You need to go hard NC with your mother."
"What a piece of work."
"Explain the circumstance of your mother bringing your manipulative ex to your WEDDING RECEPTION to tell you to marry her instead."
"If they still insist that you shouldn't have kicked her out for this(!!) then tell those family members to kindly f**k off."
"Then block." ~ davekayaus
"It wasn't Margo who disrespected and violated your trust, although why she would look like a loser and go is something else."
"Your mother treated you and your wife with contempt and should have absolutely been thrown out."
"Actions have consequences, this was hers."
"Totally deserved it. NTA." ~ Stunning-Attitude366
"NTA. Your mother did something to upset you and your wife, on purpose, ON YOUR WEDDING DAY."
"She did not deserve to be there because she is a nasty piece of work who was trying to ruin a special day to prove a point." ~ Physical_Dance_9606
"She didn't just attend with your ex, she brought your ex specifically to object to your marriage."
"For everyone complaining what do they think keeping your mom there would have accomplished?"
"She clearly wasn't there to celebrate you or your happiness anyway. NTA." ~ Legal_Reception_6494
"NTA and your dad is being a dumbass as well."
"Margo wasn't the one who initiated this, maybe she had filled your Mom's brain with ideas but she couldn't have come unless your mom invited her."
"It's fully on your mother and she should be kicked out."
"What she said is extremely hurtful to your wife and just absolutely stupid."
"If possible talk to your Mom and set these boundaries, overbearing M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]s are a big issue in most marriages." ~ FinancialStock666
"NTA. Allowing your mother to stay would have ruined June's wedding day."
"You did the right thing.'
"You needed to let your wife know you have her back and disrespect is not tolerated." ~ pinkunder
"This is all on your mom, who was disrespectful and deliberately provocative."
"It's all on her. NTA." ~ Famous_Specialist_44
"Play stupid games and win stupid prizes. NTA." ~ only_grans
Your mother's behavior is outrageous, OP.
You were standing up for your bride and yourself.
It's shocking that your family members didn't kick them out before you arrived.
Reddit is with you. It might be a good idea to go to little to no contact.
It's a sad thought, but you have to put yourself first.
Good luck and congratulations!!!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp