Those who can invite everyone they want to a wedding are very lucky indeed. Due to venue capacity or budget restraints, most soon-to-be-married couples will have to tighten their list and exclude some people they wish could be there.
Of course, some people are easier to put on the "do not invite" list than others.
Even if those unlucky individuals still find themselves surprised by the lack of a wedding invite.
Just ahead of his upcoming wedding, a family Redditor Successful-Tank-851 contacted him out of the blue, expressing their excitement at attending.
Despite the fact that they were not invited to the wedding.
The original poster (OP) had no trouble telling this unwanted guest why their presence at his wedding would not be appreciated.
Reasons this disgruntled family member attributed to a mere "grudge."
Wondering if he was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after she ignored me my whole life?"
The OP explained why his mother was very intentionally left off his wedding guest list:
"I (26 M[ale]) am getting married to my fiancée (let's call her Sarah (25 F[emale]) in a few months, and I'm super excited about it."
"But there's one big issue with all the planning—my mom."
"A little background:"
"My parents divorced when I was 8, and my mom (let's call her Layla) remarried pretty quickly after that."
"She married this guy, Dave, who had two kids of his own."
"Ever since, it's like I was no longer a priority in her life."
"She focused all her attention on Dave and his kids."
"Like, I'm not exaggerating when I say she treated them way better than me. "
"They'd go on trips, she'd go to all their sports events, and they'd get everything they wanted."
"Meanwhile, I felt like I was invisible."
"She didn't ask about my school, didn't care about my friends, or even my mental health."
"I started to feel like I wasn't even her kid anymore."
"When I turned 18, I moved out. I thought maybe she'd care and try to stay in touch, but nope—she didn't."
"I'd text her once in a while just to check in, and she'd either not respond or say she was busy with Dave and his kids."
"I figured if she didn't care, why should I?"
"So, I just stopped trying to reach out."
"Fast forward to now."
"I'm planning my wedding, and out of nowhere, my mom starts texting me like we're super close."
"She wants to know all the details, saying how excited she is, and even saying things like, 'I can't wait to see you start this new chapter.'"
"Like… seriously?"
"I haven't heard from her in years, and now she expects to be front and center for my wedding?"
"I told her straight up that I didn't want her there."
"I said I'm not comfortable with her coming after everything that's happened and that if she really wants to have a relationship, we can talk about it after the wedding, but not before."
"She started crying and saying I'm holding a grudge and that 'I'm her son' and 'she deserves to be there.'"
"But I don't know how I'm supposed to forget the fact that she ignored me my whole childhood in favor of Dave's kids."
"Now, my family is split."
"Some of them think I'm right and that I shouldn't just let her show up when she never showed up for me."
"Others think I should just let it go, and 'it's just one day' and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace."
"So… AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after everything that happened?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for not inviting his mother to his wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely correct in feeling his mother hadn't earned an invitation to his wedding after neglecting him for years, with many finding the OP's mother was now getting a perfect taste of her own medicine.
"'She started crying and saying I'm holding a grudge and that 'I'm her son' and 'she deserves to be there'."
"And you're her son who deserved to have a mother that cared and prioritized you at least occasionally, but here you are."
"You're well within your rights to hold that grudge until you feel comfortable letting her back into your life, which is not now."
"'Others think I should just let it go, and 'it's just one day' and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace'."
"I hate this sentiment with a passion."
"What peace?"
"You would not be at peace if you had your mom at your wedding."
"Childhood neglect is not something you forgive and forget for most people, especially when you've come to terms with not having a relationship with your parent."
"She doesn't get to waltz back in to ruin what's supposed to be one of the happiest day of your life."
"NTA."- Bo_O58
"NTA."
"This is your wedding, you're supposed to have the people you love around you, it's not for her or anyone else."
"You said you would talk about things after the wedding, which is reasonable."
"It's up to you who you invite, not your family; it may be unpopular with some of them, but ultimately it's your decision."- Thrwwymc
"NTA."
"Your mom basically pulled a 'Hey, stranger!' like she's an old friend sliding into your DMs after ghosting you for years."
"Now, because it's a big life event, suddenly she wants to play 'proud mom'?"
"Nah, she missed out on the backstage pass a long time ago."
"It's wild that she thinks she can just show up now like everything's cool."
"She had all these years to be involved but chose Dave and his kids over you."
"That's on her."
"Honestly, weddings are about celebrating with people who've been there through thick and thin, not people who show up out of nowhere when it's convenient."
"If she's serious about reconnecting, she should respect that your wedding isn't the time or place to start."
"You've offered to talk after, and that's actually really mature."
"If she really cares, she'll wait and try to rebuild something."
"Otherwise, she's only proving your point."- SugaryWetLips
"NTA mate, I say stick to your guns."
"At the end of the day, it's yours and your fiancée's decision who comes. If she supports your decision, then you have your answer."
"Congrats on the wedding!"- AN4RCHY90
"NTA."
"You are not obligated to 'keep the peace' when the only one disrupting the 'peace' is your absent mother trying to get free food and drink and glory at your wedding."
"Why would she ever expect to be welcome there?"
"Her presence would be a painful reminder that she didn't think you were worth the time of day."
"My guess is she will disappear again as soon as it's over."- meeseeks2020
"But it's not. It's your wedding and a major milestone event in your life, which she has barely been a part of since she remarried."
"You are keeping the peace."
"It's just your own you are keeping."
"Where were the family members speaking up now when you were a child?"
"Because before they start with 'but she's family/your mum/you only get one' you need to shut them down on it because they were all more than happy to turn a blind eye to her missing your events, taking trips and pretty much ignoring your existence."
"Make sure Sarah is completely on board with your decision (as there have been many, many posts where the S/O decided to try and 'fix' things by inviting people their partner is NC with) and stand firm."
"If your mum truly wants a relationship with you, she will wait until all the glory of the wedding has passed and get to know you and Sarah at a more appropriate time."
"NTA."- maleficentwasright
"NTA."
"She hasn't been a mom to you for years."
"It even doesn't like she wants any reconciliation - no apology, no how are you, no real interest."
"Just demand after demand ignoring the fact you two have no kind of relationship for years."
"It seems she just want to play important role that she doesn't deserve, bring her family and have a good party with them."
"You decide."
"Not her, not family."
"If they want to keep peace...what about keeping that you have now without her in your life?"- Danube_Kitty
There are few feelings worse than that of being left out or ignored.
Particularly when you're a young child.
Perhaps being left out of her son's wedding will give the OP's mother the tiniest idea of what it felt like to grow up being all but ignored by his mother.
At the very least, it's safe to say she'll likely also be carrying a "grudge" for years to come...
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.