Good friends will have your back when you’re in a vulnerable position.
Unfortunately, they’re not always there for you when you need them most.
That is what happened to a guy whose close friend group played Switzerland, resulting in an awkward situation.
So he visited the “Am I the A** Hole?” (AITAH) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor chillyspoogetti asked:
“AITAH for being upset that my friends are maintaining friendships with my spouse who cheated?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (M[ale]/37) discovered my wife (F[female]/33) was having an affair with a coworker last October. This was devastating to uncover.”
“We had been together for close to seven years, were married for around a year, and were actively trying to have a child all last year.”
“When I confronted her about the situation she told me she was going to stop the affair as soon as we got pregnant, but was never going to come forward about what had happened.”
“She put the blame for her infidelity on my sobriety (I went into recovery from alcohol over a year prior to the affair), which was such an infuriating scapegoat for her behavior. She refused to take accountability for her actions and decided to blame me. It was beyond upsetting.”
The OP continued:
“I moved out and started rebuilding again, and by all accounts everything is going very well. I managed to land on my feet which feels pretty great. The only thing that continues to bother me is that many of my friends have taken the position of wanting to remain friends with both of us.”
“I introduced my ex to my core friend group that I have known for a while when we had started dating, and over the course of our relationship she had become good friends with them as well.”
“Many of them have said they are upset by what she did, but that what happened is between the two of us and that they are going to be friends with both of us.”
This didn’t sit well with him.
“I’ve communicated many times since the split that this position is hurtful to me, and that it makes me feel like they are willing to simply look past what happened as if it’s acceptable in some ways. I want to move on without having her attached to my life or social circle, and it makes me feel terrible that this just doesn’t seem possible given the position my friends have taken.”
“When I communicate this, the message tends to get back to my ex who in turn gets upset that I’m talking about her when all I’m doing is expressing feelings. It makes me want to distance myself.”
“EDIT: since some are focusing on my sobriety, I’m just going to add that my decision to stop drinking was primarily focused on longevity. My friend group likes to party a lot, and the same was the case for my ex and I. I got to a point where it felt like it no longer fit into my life and I was tired of feeling like sh*t all of the time. That particular lifestyle just no longer was the way I wanted to go.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“Those were and are not your friends. Know that and know peace.”
“The same way you could walk away from your cheating partner, you can walk away from those fake friends.” – Mother_Search3350
“NTA. I would permanently drop them. It’s bad enough that she cheated. But to do it while you were trying for a baby is absolutely hideous. I think they’ve shown you who they are. How could you ever trust them or rely on them for anything? I think you’d be better off finding new friends.” – Anonymoosehead123
“Your friends staying neutral feels like a betrayal in itself. Loyalty isn’t about picking sides, it’s about recognizing who was wronged, and that sure as hell wasn’t her.” – emmababygirliee
“Agreed. Absolutely, NTA. Your friends are choosing the path of least resistance instead of showing actual loyalty. ‘Staying neutral’ in this situation is bullsh*t. Your ex cheated, blamed YOUR SOBRIETY for it (wtf?), and planned to trap you with a pregnancy while hiding the affair.”
‘These “friends’ want to avoid awkwardness at the cost of your feelings. They’re essentially saying her betrayal wasn’t bad enough to impact their view of her. That’s some weak character right there. Distance yourself. Find people who understand that loyalty matters. You deserve better than this halfway support crap.” – DiverJunior4941
“NTA. I was in a situation sorta like this. It ended up with me feeling like I was battling for souls. Then everyone wanted to know when I was going to get over it and we could all be friends.”
“It was another layer of hurt for me. So I looked at what was going on and decided who out of that group was worth keeping. Looking back, the best thing I did for me was get rid of that entire friend group.” – Dizzy_Chemist_2389
“NTA.”
“It’s unfortunate, but it happens. Time to make some new friends. Distance yourself from the others. You can hang out with some of them one-on-one or via text if you wish, but I wouldn’t put myself in a group setting where she’s likely to be present.”
“Although it may be best to cut the contact now because I’d imagine things will get awkward when you eventually start dating someone else.” – Strange_Jackfruit_89
“They are not only minimizing your feelings, but they are going to your ex and telling her!!!!! Why do you want anything to do with these people? They are not your friend! As hard as it is to make friends when we get older, you will feel so much better and at peace when you don’t have snakes in your life.” – tinaescobar22
“They can choose to still be friends with her, and you can choose to distance yourself because it’s hurtful. Personally, I’ve never understood the standpoint of staying friends with someone who committed such a huge act of betrayal (because that means this person can’t be trusted in a lot of ways).”
“But I know a lot of people have the ‘not my circus’ attitude about it. It is hard when you’ve been long-time friends with someone to cut them off when it isn’t you they betrayed… you just have to decide how much it bothers you and if it’s worth cutting ties. Maybe just tell them you have a clear boundary of not wanting to hear about her – from what she’s up to, to whether they spend time with her. You’re NTA, but you have a choice to make.” – mrn327
“NTA.”
“But, find new friends. These friends who you admit like to drink and party have decided they like hanging around with your ex, who likes to drink, party, and sleep around. As she pointed out, with you being sober, your partying isn’t as fun as it once was, and that is more important to this entire group than ethics and morals are. When people show you who they are, believe them. “
“I’m sorry this all happened to you.” – MistySky1999
“NTA. Maybe some of them are choosing her because she’s sleeping with them. If they insist on being friends with her despite your discomfort, they are choosing her. Plus they are telling her what you’ve told them. Or maybe they are hoping you see yourself out without them having to kick you out of the group.” – jam7789
“The fact that you talk to your friends about your feelings in regards to your ex-girlfriend/wife and it gets back to her, tells you where their loyalty stands. They’ve chosen her. I know it’s a painful pill to swallow but disrespect is never negotiable. Focus and invest in you.”
“Get therapy if you have to. Look at it this way: you are starting from scratch. It’s not easy, but what other choice do you have? Stick around and get disrespected? Because that’s going to be the normal type of treatment your ex-crowd is gonna dish out subconsciously. Good luck, king. I said king… That’s what you are but only if you believe that and you are all in with a new mind set.” – Due-Illustrator5165
“NTA. You would and should expect your friends to stand behind you since you were the one who was wronged. I would sit them down and simply say Hey, I just wanted to have a face-to-face conversation because I feel that in my lowest place, my friends would have taken my side. I realize that you didn’t want confrontation, but imagine if you were in my shoes, how would you feel?”
“Would you want me to remain friends with both of you, or would you want me to choose you? I’m not giving you an ultimatum what I’m doing is explaining why I feel i now need to distance myself from you. It was bad enough to have my wife cheat on me, blame it on my sobriety, and the cherry on top was my friends not supporting me but continuing to support the person who put me in this place.”
“So thank you for showing me who you are and how you value our friendship. It makes walking away hurt a little less. Then get up and walk away. Join a support group or a hobby group make new friends.” – Soft_Location_9088
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP, and they absolutely thought these so-called “friends” were really not worth keeping, especially after they would report back to his ex-wife every time the OP confided in them.