Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and the dinner preparations are in high gear.
The menus are being secured, and the guest lists are being reviewed.
Those guest lists can often become an issue.
Not everybody makes the cut, and that cut can wound.
Redditor Socallivin1993 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my brother bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving after she disrespected my wife?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (31 M[ale]) am married to Lily (30 F[emale]).”
“My brother Josh (29 M) recently started dating Lindsey (27 F), and while she’s been polite at family events, Lily feels Lindsey has made some passive-aggressive comments.”
“For example, at a recent BBQ, Lindsey said it was ‘selfish’ that Lily and I weren’t planning to have kids anytime soon.”
“Lily felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything at the time.”
“Another incident happened at a family dinner when Lindsey remarked, ‘I’m surprised you two are so happy without kids. You must be really good at being selfish.’”
“Lily was hurt by that comment, and it made her feel like Lindsey was judging our life choices.”
“Most recently, at a birthday party, Lindsey made a comment about Lily’s career, saying, ‘It’s cute that you’re working part-time with no kids while Josh and I are really focusing on our careers.’”
“Lily was annoyed but didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to start drama.”
“Thanksgiving is at our house this year, and when Josh asked if he could bring Lindsey, I told him I’d prefer if she didn’t come.”
“I explained that some of her comments had made Lily feel disrespected, and I didn’t want that to ruin the holiday.”
“Josh got upset and said I was being petty.”
“He argued that I was overreacting and that Lindsey was ‘just being honest,’ but I stood my ground.”
“Now Josh says he won’t come if Lindsey isn’t invited, and my parents are caught in the middle.”
“My mom thinks I’m being too harsh, but I feel like I’m just standing up for my wife.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for refusing to let my brother bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“THEY ARE HOSTING, meaning that they get to set the guest list, thus having a say in who is attending and who isn’t.”
“You obviously haven’t been around families who love emphasizing the ‘my house/event my rules/guest list’ part of hosting.”
“It is easier to say ‘no’ they aren’t welcome in my home than it is to speak up at another person’s event/home because when you do that everyone cries ‘drama queen/attention seeker’ and the issue gets lost in having to defend yourself from that rather than tackling the actual problem.”
“OP has set his boundary to protect his wife, and he NTA for that, he will be TA if he doesn’t hold it, either by caving into his parents or not maintaining it going forward after Thanksgiving.”
“Also if you are going to bash OP for not speaking up sooner then this isn’t entirely on him, why couldn’t Lily speak up for herself before this?”
“If someone from my husband’s family is commenting on me, I will be speaking up before getting my husband involved.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“NTA. Tell your parents to host them, and you’ll do something else.”
“Family doesn’t have to mean hanging out with jerks and jerk enablers.”
“You are allowed to create your own traditions.” ~ nessabobessa82
“NTA for setting a boundary for Thanksgiving, but he wouldn’t have to be doing that if he had spoken up earlier.”
“Here, however, is what may be an unpopular opinion: To me, it sounds like both OP and Lily err on the side of being non-confrontational.”
“Lily could have spoken up herself.”
“Now, should OP have spoken up when Lily didn’t?”
“Yes, absolutely.”
“And afterward, he could have encouraged her to speak up herself.” ~ wordfriend
“If being silent while an AH berates your wife with their opinions and saying ‘Don’t come, she felt disrespected’ as if the wife was being too dramatic or overreacting is ‘defending’ her… Why have enemies when you have such a defender?”
“OP didn’t defend his wife at any point.”
“What he should have done is to put a stop to the comments since the beginning and when his brother asked, tell him his GF was a holier than though, obnoxious, and nosy AH that would never enter their house unless she truly apologized (and not one of those ‘sorry you felt like that’ fake apologies nonsense).”
“Obviously OP is NTA about saying no to his brother, but he’s not getting any medals from the whole situation.” ~ Glittering__Song
“NTA. I have a great phrase that you still be able to use ‘It’s never occurred to me Lindsy would even want to come after she made it very clear she dislikes us, our home, our family, and the childbearing choices we were forced* to make.'”
“LOL, and you WERE ‘forced’ by your right to make choices without her opinions.”
“You might also want to remind Josh that people who actively and repeatedly insult and hurt others under the guise of ‘just being honest’ are often called bullies and are seldom invited back to launch another attack.”
“Maybe CC your mom and ask her for advice.”
“See what Josh (or Lindsay) says, then decide.”
“In the long term, if it looks like Lindsey is going to marry Josh, the entire family would do better to gently teach her: ‘We don’t talk/treat each other like that in this family’ as maybe she just wasn’t raised right and is unaware her bully words are NOT the best way to act and make her look like an AH.” ~ A-Strange-Peg
“Exactly, OP is NTA, but talk to Lindsey as if she is a toddler, seeing how she is acting like one with her remarks, and say in the most condescending tone. Now Lindsey, one more comment, remark, or outburst like that, and we’ll have to put you in time out.”
“I’m kidding, of course, but no call and ask your mom and dad if they would ever invite someone who would say such cruel things back into their home.”
“Tell your brother you gave him your answer. How he chooses to comply is up to him, but she is not allowed into my home.” ~ Pepsilover12
“NTA, but I am not sure why you are hiding behind Lily.”
“In two out of three examples you give, Lindsey talks about both of you, but somehow only Lily is offended.”
“Say you don’t like being called selfish either.”
“And honesty is no defense.”
“I think when most people are rude, they mean it. If someone says I am selfish and my career cute, it’s actually worse if they mean it (i.e., are honest) than if they are just saying it for some petty point-scoring reason.”
“If Lindsey really believes what she is saying, then she needs to equivocate if she wants to interact with you socially.” ~ kimba-the-tabby-lion
“This! Can’t believe I had to scroll down so far to see this.”
“OP shouldn’t say that Lindsey’s comments made Lilly feel offended.”
“He should tell his brother that her comments offended him.”
“And say she’s a rude person.”
“If he gets offended by that then tell him you’re just being honest and why is it that only Lindsey gets to ‘just be honest.'” ~Anomalyyyyyyyyy
“Lindsey’s just being honest?”
“It’s honestly none of her business if you and your wife have children.”
“It’s honestly not her place to call your wife selfish or belittle her employment.”
“It’s honestly not her place to be such an as**hole. NTA.” ~ GothPenguin
“Honestly, saying she was just being honest makes it worse.”
“So Lindsay was ‘honestly’ calling Lilly selfish?? Multiple times??”
“Honestly dissing a part-time job?”
“If this is her being honest then it reinforces why she is not welcome at your table.”
“If her presence is required then let your brother host.”
“Kudos for supporting your wife. NTA.” ~ Suzdg
“Why isn’t Lily speaking up for herself?”
“I may have let the first comment slide giving Lindsay the benefit of the doubt since she was new to family events and possibly nerves overriding her brain.”
‘However, after the second comment, I would’ve spoken up.”
“’Excuse me, Lindsey. Why are you so invested in my uterus? I mean you’re not even part of this family. I barely know you so I’m a bit confused why you’ve brought it up not once but twice.’”
“I don’t like making scenes either, but I’m sure as hell not gonna let some rude b**ch give her opinions about my life and my marriage.”
“Had she made a third comment she would have left with a foot up her a**.”
“NTA for not inviting this trash into your home for the holiday.”
“Your brother can join her.” ~ That_Section_6838
“NTA – Lindsey isn’t being ~honest~, she’s acting like an 8th-grade bully.”
“There’s no good reason for you to welcome her into your home.”
“If your brother would rather spend the holidays with his GF, that’s his problem.”
“It doesn’t matter how many members of your family think that this is okay – it isn’t.”
“Tell your mother that bullying is not ok, at any age, and deliberate cruelty to your wife is not acceptable in your home.”
“Is your brother Mom’s golden child?”
“If she would rather have Thanksgiving with Josh and Lindsey, let her.”
You and your wife deserve a peaceful Thanksgiving, with or without the rest of the family.” ~ KrofftSurvivor
“NTA. Giving your unsolicited opinion about other people’s family status or career is not ‘being honest’ – it’s just plain old ‘being rude.'”
“If Lindsey can’t keep her opinions to herself, then you are not obliged to be in the same room as her.” ~ alien_overlord_1001
“NTA. Tell your brother you’re just being honest about not wanting Lindsay at your Thanksgiving.”
“Oh, and it isn’t selfish to remain child-free.”
“It is, however, selfish to think you are entitled to an invitation to an event hosted by someone you continually insult.” ~ Awareofmyissues
“This wasn’t honesty; it was an unsolicited and unwanted opinion, which she used to harass your wife on at least 3 occasions.”
“Lindsay can have whatever tradwife opinions she wants, but vocally judging her boyfriend’s family for not sharing them is shockingly rude.”
“I’m sorry your wife felt she couldn’t put this bint in her place the first time she insulted her.”
‘You should have said something after the first time, but at least you did stand up for her now.”
“NTA. Lindsay was apparently born in a barn; let her have Thanksgiving there too.” ~ 30Helenssayf**koff
“NTA. I love that you’re standing up for your wife and you’re right not to have this rude and abusive person in your home, but at some point, your wife is going to have to put her in her place directly and firmly so she shuts her big mouth.”
“It is continuing because your wife, being the nice kind soul she is doesn’t want to start drama so your brother’s GF is getting away with her horrible behavior.”
“I guarantee if she puts her in her place and lets it be known going forward, her ‘just being honest’ will no longer be acceptable or tolerated.” ~ dwassell73
“You’re NTA, but how the everloving f**k is it selfish to not have, or want, kids?!”
“There’s more than enough people on the planet right now.” ~ TazzmFyrflaym
“NTA. Lindsey wasn’t being honest; she was being rude.”
“Tell them until they understand the difference, she will be barred.” ~ Tally0987654321
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your house, your rules.
Lindsey needs to check herself.
Saying whatever comes to mind comes with consequences.
Happy Thanksgiving.