Content Warning: Recreational Drug Use
Weddings are more expensive than ever to plan, and it’s helpful to use discounts, coupons, and other price breaks when possible.
But some offers should not be accepted, perhaps especially for one of the happiest days of a person’s life, cautioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
To help his younger brother and future wife save money with their wedding venue, Redditor Aromatic_Cow8170 offered for the happy couple to use his vacation home, as long as they included him as one of their groomsmen.
When they later said they wanted to have a more intimate wedding and disinvited the Original Poster (OP), he decided it didn’t make sense to host a wedding he wasn’t invited to anymore.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for canceling my brother’s wedding venue reservation after he uninvited me?”
The OP offered for his brother to use his vacation home as a free wedding venue.
“I (37 Male) have a younger brother, Tom (26 Male), who’s getting married in three months.”
“A year ago, when he and his fiancée were planning their wedding, they were struggling to find an affordable venue.”
“I own a vacation property with a large yard that’s been used for a couple of small weddings before, so I offered it to him as a wedding venue, rent-free.”
“My only condition was that I wanted to be part of the wedding party, which he agreed to. Everything seemed fine.”
The OP was surprised when his brother removed him from the wedding party.
“Last week, Tom and I got into a small argument. It really wasn’t a big deal, but a couple of days later, he texted me and said he and his fiancée decided to ‘downsize’ their wedding party and I was no longer going to be a groomsman.”
“I was shocked because I thought this was set in stone a year ago.”
“I called him to ask what was going on, and he said it wasn’t personal, just that they wanted to keep things small and ‘intimate’ and didn’t feel like they needed me in the wedding party.”
The OP demanded an explanation.
“I was pretty hurt, but I didn’t say anything at the time. Then it occurred to me: if I’m not important enough to be in his wedding party, why should I host the wedding at my place?”
“So I called him again and told him that since I wasn’t going to be part of the wedding, they’d need to find another venue.”
“Now, Tom and his fiancée are furious. They say they can’t afford another venue at this point and that I’m ‘ruining their big day.'”
“My parents are also upset and say I should just ‘let it go’ and still host the wedding.”
“I feel like I was doing them a huge favor, and they essentially uninvited me from being part of the most important day of their lives. I don’t think I’m wrong to retract my offer, but now everyone’s making me feel guilty.”
“So, AITAH for canceling the venue?”
As the comments started to come in, the OP clarified a few points.
“Some asked, why did I need to offer to loan out my vacation house to be in the wedding?”
“My brother and I have had a little bit of a rocky relationship most of his life. Our age difference has always been an awkward amount, and I think he’s jealous of my success in life, too. He’s done okay, but I’ve climbed the corporate ladder pretty quickly in finance, and I think a lot of girls he’s dated have had crushes on me, being his older brother and the more successful one, and that bothers him.”
“He picks small things to get mad at me about because of his jealousy and I felt like if I made it a condition of lending out my place he would let me be in his wedding.”
“Second, What did we get into an argument about?”
“He got upset at me because he thinks I don’t do enough with our parents but I travel for my job, so it’s harder for me to be there in person.”
“I also help them out financially, which he never considers as helping out. They haven’t saved as much as they probably should and are getting closer to retirement, so I help them out with some bills so they can put more in their 401k accounts instead, but I guess that isn’t enough.”
“He always finds something to say I’m doing wrong.”
“Third, am I still invited to the wedding?”
“Technically, he only said I’m not in the wedding party, but it feels like such a slap in the face at this point, and it definitely feels like he doesn’t want me there.”
“I’ll try to talk to him again to see what the real issue is because ‘downsizing’ seems like bulls**t to me.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were deeply confused about what was going on.
“I am curious. Why didn’t your brother ask you to be in the wedding, to begin with? You say you made it a condition for him to use your property and he agreed. Why would it be a condition?”
“If he didn’t ask you even before the property was offered, why? Do you two not really get along or are not that close?”
“What was this argument about? Now you say it wasn’t a big deal, but maybe you don’t think so, but he does. What happened?”
“For him to make up that excuse, which you know that is the deal, tells me he didn’t want you in the wedding party, to begin with. In that regard, I don’t blame you. I think you need to elaborate regarding your relationship with your brother.” – mcmurrml
“I don’t know, I need more info for a verdict. It’s strange to me that OP had to bargain his way into the wedding party, and at least for me, my sibling would’ve had to do something wild to be removed from my wedding party.”
“Could be NTA based on their agreement, but could also be ESH depending on what they argued about. Weddings bring out some shocking crazy from otherwise sane folks.” – spookyxskepticism
“I think it’s weird as f**k the OP tried to bargain himself into the wedding. But they didn’t have to agree…”
“This dude gives weird vibes, doesn’t get along with his brother but offered his property to force himself into the wedding party. Then his explanation of why they don’t get along is ‘I’m so rich handsome and successful, he’s jealous’ is giving narcissist vibes.”
“Notice how he immediately said they couldn’t use the venue when they said you’re not a groomsman, despite still being invited. And the dude still has no idea why his brother doesn’t like him.” – AsleepRespectAlias
“Bro, let’s break it down:”
“He works in finance. He talks about how successful he is. He talks down about his brother not being as successful.”
“He claims his brother’s girlfriends had crushes on him instead. He isn’t close with his brother (supposedly due to age). He has a c*ke habit. He wants to bargain his way into a party like a weirdo.”
“All of these are traits of a destructive a**hole and narcissist, and OP’s almost certainly done stuff to make his brother distance himself and not want to invite him.”
“But the OP’s whole behavior in this thing is mind-boggling to me, not gonna lie.” – sendm3pasta
“Honestly, does it really matter? If you kick the guy giving you a free venue for your wedding, and their one requirement was that you be part of the wedding, and that’s the one thing you chose to break, why would you still get a free venue?”
“They’re free to remove him and he’s free to not host them. Everyone here is free and making their own decisions. Look good/look bad, thats all subjective nonsense.” – Ruining_Ur_Synths
While still confused, others reassured the OP that he was right to be petty.
“Petty, just like you should be: it was an agreement between the two of you: venue rent-free, but you are part of the wedding party.”
“Your brother decided to punish you the wrong way: as long as he took back his part of your contract, you are no longer forced to honor your part.”
“But it’s too late for them to find something. You should tell them that as long as your brother can’t honor his part of your deal, you’re ok for them to do the venue at the same place but for X amount. Payable right now because, well, the confidence is broken.”
“Maybe it’ll force your brother to tell you the real reason why he doesn’t want you anymore in his wedding.” – Lyzab77
“They probably want OP to not even be at the wedding in addition to not being a groomsman. That needs to be sorted out before going scorched earth. If the entire invite is rescinded, then they only have use of the outdoors.”
“They’ll need to make accommodations for bathroom facilities. No one will be allowed in the house and OP will be home, just not partaking.” – Mykona-1967
“The brother and parents will ‘promise’ to pay, cross their fingers and NEVER pay. Brother just broke one agreement; there’s no reason for OP to trust he’s gonna fulfill another one. Booting them from the property is the easiest and most effective solution.”
“OP will not be invited to the new wedding site or know its location, so that makes it pretty secure for the cheapskate couple.” – Desertbro
“I’m having difficulty believing any of this because who WANTS to be in a wedding party? Especially if they’re on Reddit. They should know that nothing good can come of it.”
“I’ve been in a handful of weddings, but only because the rides requested it despite me having it made abundantly clear in the past that I had no desire to be in anyone’s wedding ever.”
“Side note: every one of those marriages has ended badly. It’s almost like people that place their desires over other people’s deep discomfort make and/or marry poor spouses.” – Worried_Row_4957
“ESH. Something smells fishy here.”
“The fact it was your condition to be in the wedding party to use your venue tells me your brother wouldn’t have asked you on his own to be in the party and you knew that. This tells me the relationship between you and your brother is not really that good, at least on his side.”
“Why else would you need to force yourself into the party if you guys were close and he would have chosen you as a groomsman anyway? You obviously want to be closer with him than he is comfortable and this speaks volumes honestly.”
“You are not an ah per se to refuse them your venue, but i think you should rethink your decision. This will most likely kill the last remaining chance to better your relationship with him. So if you want to be part of his future, think twice about burning bridges.”
“Also, I think a better way to better your relationship with your brother would have been to reflect on why you are not his natural first choice of groomsman (only you know what happened between you guys and why he isn’t too fond of you) and try to make amends, not trying to force yourself into his wedding party.” – Every_Caterpillar945
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in another post, and it took a turn no one was expecting.
“I was having a hard time believing my brother when he told me they were ‘downsizing’ the wedding party just to make it more ‘intimate,’ but that’s all he kept saying when I would ask for the real reason.”
“In all honesty, my brother and I aren’t that close, which I’m sure is obvious from my last post. After my emotions settled down a bit, I told my brother I wanted to talk to him.”
“He wasn’t responding to me, so I said I wanted to talk to him about potentially letting them still use my vacation house. Not totally the truth, but it seemed like a good way to get him to talk.”
The OP confronted his brother about the change in wedding plans.
“He finally responded but said I couldn’t come over, he would only meet me somewhere public…which seemed weird.”
“We ended up meeting at a bar late last night that I like near my place and I straight-up just asked him why he was REALLY kicking me out of his wedding and I would only consider letting them use my vacation house if he told me the truth.”
“He was getting pretty fidgety and looking away from me and finally told me the truth. Apparently, his fiancée heard that I may do a bit of c*caine here and there for fun, and she told him that she ‘didn’t want a cr*ckhead in her wedding.’ He said he actually kind of agreed with her and was disappointed in what I was doing.”
“I told him if I’m too much of a ‘cr*ckhead’ to be there, then they really shouldn’t want to use a cr*ckhead’s house for their wedding and I left.”
“I don’t really see how it impacts them what I do in my free time, but I really don’t care to be there now if that’s what they think of me. I haven’t said a word to him since then but I’m guessing I won’t be hearing from him again soon.”
The subReddit felt like this entire situation was a rollercoaster they had expected to take part in.
While they, on the one hand, understood not wanting to a host a wedding that the OP wasn’t invited to, some were suspicious about the OP’s personality and whether the family wanted him at the wedding, to begin with.