Traveling can be a wonderful experience and is a great way to learn more about how other people live and to see places we won't see in our own backyards.
But like anything else, traveling costs money, and sometimes, our travel plans have to be put on hold if we can't afford our other expenses, like rent, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor NaturalRun4126 had worked hard over the years to make a home for himself, while his sister valued travel and "experiences" instead.
But when she spent all of her money on travel and asked if her family of four could live with him rent-free so they could continue to travel, the Original Poster (OP) could not believe what he was hearing.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to let my sister's family live in my house after they sold theirs for a 'dream vacation'?"
The OP and his sister had distinctly different approaches to spending money.
"I (32 Male) own a modest three-bedroom house that I've been paying off for the last ten years. It's nothing fancy, but it's mine, and I'm proud of it."
"My sister (29F) and her husband (31 Male), my brother-in-law (BIL), are the typical free-spirited types. They've always talked about quitting the rat race, living life to the fullest, all that."
"Well, a few months ago, they finally did it; they sold their house during a booming market, thinking the profit would fund a year-long break to travel."
But the sister and brother-in-law's travels did not go according to plan.
"They believed they could stretch the money by traveling cheaply, staying in hostels or Airbnbs, and getting by with occasional odd jobs."
"At first, they stayed in nicer places and ate out a lot, thinking they had plenty of cushion, but within two months, they were out of money."
"They underestimated how quickly expenses would pile up, especially with two young kids (7 Female and 5 Male) to feed and care for."
The sister and brother-in-law (BIL) expected the family to help them.
"Now that their funds are drained, they've decided to stop full-time travel but don't want to settle down yet. Instead, they asked to live with me, rent-free, for the next 10 months while they 'figure things out.' They say they'll still try to take some occasional trips if they find super cheap deals, but for the most part, they want to stay at my house."
"I told them no. My house isn't big enough, I don't want the disruption, and I certainly don't think it's fair for them to live off me because their plan failed."
"I offered to help them find an affordable rental or even cover part of their expenses for a couple of months so they could get back on their feet, but that wasn't enough."
"My sister blew up at me, calling me selfish and accusing me of being jealous of their 'adventurous lifestyle.'"
The OP was surprised by how many people expected him to house the family.
"To make it worse, my parents are siding with her, saying that family should help family and that I'm being too rigid."
"The thing is, my parents live in a small apartment and can't take in my sister's family, which is probably why they're pushing it on me. They say I don't understand the 'value of experiences' and that I should be more supportive."
"Some of our mutual friends are also saying I should be more understanding, but I think it's completely unreasonable to expect me to house their whole family for nearly a year just because they didn't plan properly."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were critical of the OP's sister and brother-in-law for their decisions and entitlement.
"If her husband got laid off, someone was in a car accident, their house for flooded, etc, then I'd say family comes first, make the sacrifice and help them out, you heartless miser."
"But this was an intentional decision to cast off their responsibilities and just say to hell with the consequences. Well, those consequences arrived much sooner than either of these dreamers expected, and now it's time to deal with those consequences." - SinisterDexter83
"OP even offered to help them with some expenses to do this and they rejected it! They are much kinder than I would be in this situation."
"Absolutely NTA, OP, you are not responsible for their bad choices." - simply_overwhelmed18
"They basically want OP to foot the bills for their whole family! NTA!"
"Let them have the full experience of this adventure and explain that it is your dream to live a peaceful quiet life alone in your own home in a financially responsible way. They can take their adventure elsewhere, it just is not your problem to support them."
"Never help someone that is not trying to help themselves or they will suck you down with them." - Logicdamcer
"They gave up their jobs and stability to chase experiences well now they can experience failure and put their lives back together for the young children at least. Seriously, this is the most selfish thing I've ever heard."
"I'd tell them it's been my dream to experience living alone in my own home. Don't destroy my dream and don't crush my experience."
"And the OP said they are still looking for 'cheap trips.' They aren't even looking to restabilize their life. That is straight-up delusional. They are looking for handouts while still planning to blow what little money they have on trips."
"If they realized their fuck up and needed help getting back on their feet, I could respect that but Jesus." - The-Copilot
"NTA. If They want something cheap they can go buy a small camper, and rent space at a campground, it wouldn't cost them that much, and they have a roof over their head, electricity, water, and access to showers and a bathroom."
"That's about as free-spirited as it gets and they can hitch it up to a vehicle, assuming they have a car and drive it anywhere."
"I feel bad for those kids, though, with the parents who are living irresponsibly and don't give a darn about them because they're so selfish. If they could afford the lifestyle of going anywhere and do everything, fine, but obviously, they can't."
"No, you shouldn't have to support two people who are extremely selfish and just doing whatever the heck they want because they don't want responsibility. They shouldn't have had two children if they wanted to live a vagabond life."
"Don't even let them park in your driveway, you'll never get them to leave. Even if they pitch tents in the backyard, they'll be in your house all the time using your water, electricity, bathrooms, and eating all your food."
"Tell your parents to suck it up and let them live in their living room or they can offer to pay their rent for three months in a cheap apartment. Your sister can get the experience of roughing it there." - NaturesVividPictures
Others insisted that the OP had no responsibility in housing his sister's family.
"Family helps family when they actually NEED help. Your sister and her husband don't NEED help. They can get jobs and rent a place to live. They are CHOOSING to be LAZY and not take care of themselves and their kids."
"My sister blew up at me, calling me selfish and accusing me of being jealous of their 'adventurous lifestyle.'"
"This gave me a HUGE laugh. Your sister is basically homeless and doesn't appear to have the mental health bandwidth to live with the consequences of her actions."
"LOL (laughing out loud), 'adventurous lifestyle'... She apparently can't even spell 'irresponsible.'"
"NTA."
"Tell your parents DIRECTLY that you are NOT going to subsidize the irresponsible lifestyle of two healthy adults who are fully capable of getting a job and renting a place to live and that any further BULLYING from them (or your sister) will only result in going no contact until the bullying stops." - celticmusebooks
"NTA. You are not obligated to bail your sister and her family out of a situation they created for themselves. You offered reasonable help, and they need to take responsibility for their choices." - Pretty_Shanee
"You are definitely not the asshole. You didn't sign up to be a hotel for your sister's impulsive decisions. Let them enjoy their "dream vacation" while you enjoy the peace and quiet of your own home." - WickedWhimsyy
"Financial screw-ups: Check."
"Parents on side of financial screw-ups: Check."
"Mutual friends on side of financial screw-ups: Check."
"Parents can upsize. Mutual friends can accommodate. You are under zero obligation to fund their financial screw ups."
"I would start telling all of those people, 'I'm so glad you want to help sister/BIL. Would you like me to tell them the great news that they can live with you rent-free with their two kids, or do you want to give them the happy news?'"
"To the parents, I'd say, 'I'm happy you want to help them out. Do you want my help to sell your current place and look for a bigger place?'"
"When they are all like, 'Oh, we don't want to house them,' be like, 'Yeah, neither do I. So you do understand you just think it's okay for them to take advantage of me. Good to know you think so little of me. I will be lowering contact till you pull your head out of your a**.'"
"NTA, OP." - CuriousPenguinSocks
"Absolutely not. You're not the AH here. You're being asked to pick up the pieces of someone else's reckless decision. Selling a house to fund a vacation and then expecting you to provide a safety net is beyond entitled. You've worked hard to build something for yourself, and you have every right to protect that."
"Helping family doesn't mean sacrificing your peace and stability, especially when they refuse to take responsibility for their own choices. You offered to help them find a rental and even contribute financially; that's more than generous."
"They're asking you to bear the cost of their impulsive behavior for nearly a year. That's not support, that's enabling."
"Don't let anyone guilt-trip you into thinking you're in the wrong here. Boundaries aren't selfish; they're necessary. And you've set a fair one. If they really value experiences so much, maybe it's time they experience the reality of their decisions."
"What would they do if the roles were reversed? Would they really be willing to upend their entire lives to accommodate you?" - Ambitious_Run_6389
The subReddit couldn't believe that so many people in the OP's life were pressuring him to take in, essentially, a pair of adults who valued traveling over financial management to the point of impacting other people.
It was likely already impacting their children, but it would soon impact their extended family, no matter who decided to help them. While it was okay to want to travel a lot, there had to be a balance between enjoying those experiences and paying the bills.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp