How long is too long to wait for an apology?
We tend to think of remorse as being an immediate reaction to whatever it is that we did wrong, but sometimes the folly in our actions can take a long time to show itself.
So, what happens when someone expresses remorse after a long period of time, is it still something worth forgiving?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Curious_Tutor2002 when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA SIL wants to apologize 4 years later"
OP began with some interesting history.
"So, this one is a doozy. Buckle up folks."
"So I met this woman (34 at the time, call her Jess) when I was 28. My Brother Kurt (24) also worked with us. He's a married man at this point."
"Her and I started sleeping with each other with no real crazy strings attached, but certain agreements nonetheless."
"If you're sleeping with other people, let me know, etc. Including a rule that she made, stating she'd never sleep with my brother."
He then explained the inciting incident.
"Well, a few months pass, and it's my birthday, so I threw a party at my house."
"Weirdly, Jess, my brother, and my brother's wife didn't show up and didn't answer any of my messages. Wouldn't you know it? Kurt was cheating on his wife with Jess."
"Not only did this create a tumultuous relationship with my brother, but I had to uproot my work environment for a new place, and new friends (Jess lied and told people we never did anything together, so they thought I was the jerk)."
"Then my parents even got involved and begged me, knowing what he did, to allow him to stay with me after his wife threw him out."
"Then Jess and Kurt get married!"
"So now she's my SIL."
Then, gave a summation of his grievances.
"And in the four-plus years she's never apologized; Kurt isn't the greatest there either."
"They have also never even attempted to be an aunt or uncle to their only nephew."
"In 4+ years, I think they bought him 1 present, maybe 2."
"They've never asked to visit, planned a day with him, or even Facetimed to say hi, in 4 years."
"Now, she sends me an email out of the blue, only after I've been saying for years how batsh*t insane this all is, to apologize to me."
"She didn't even spell my wife's name right in the email, nor acknowledge her lack of even attempting to act like an aunt or a family member."
"And I'm 100 percent certain her parents and family don't actually know the real story, and they've reached out to invite me to places."
"Including ruining our families Christmas with my parents by flying in, and my parents even chose to go over there instead of being with their only grandson."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA for not supporting their marriage, attempts to have children, or general want for them to be around as a 'family' in a way that could directly affect my families life?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out the red flags.
"NTA."
"And for anyone reading this: if you're hooking up with someone and she says to you, out loud, 'I've got a rule that I've made for myself that I'll never sleep with your brother,"'
"you stop hooking up with that person because that is an insane thing to say." ~ DarkeSword
"NTA"
"To me, cheating with your sibling's SO is a loud and clear 'I don't care to keep you in my life anymore' declaration."
"If my sister did that, I'd accept her for who she is and say 'message received and registered, all the best' and honor her life choices by never speaking to her again 🤷♀️"
"Another tact you could take:"
"Ask if she's making amends by correcting prior lies she spread about you and being honest about her actions."
"If the answer is anything other than a clear and full yes, say that you want to support her journey in living a better life but playing along with her lies will only enable her to hurt herself and others further."
"So you'll wait til she's ready to begin an honest life. Then, wait." ~ newbeginingshey
Others felt there were ulterior motives.
"I'm just gonna say it, though:"
"I think she's beating around the bush with this 'apology' and wants money, like, for example, money to help her have a baby."
"They definitely want something. People like her don't just apologize out of the blue unless it's for their own potential gain."
"NTA." ~ stop_spam_calls
"Somebody, somewhere, put pressure on your former lover to 'apologize' to you, and she did do-poorly. You don't have to know or care who is pulling her strings."
"My guess is that they want something. But I am a suspicious person."
"Just because we are offered an apology, doesn't mean we have to accept it. You would be a saint if you did."
"Are you a saint? You know you don't have to be. NTA"
"I am sure your life is rich and full, even without your brother and his second wife in it." ~ YouthNAsia63
"Trying to 'buddy up' now so they can pull the 'baby wants to spend time with cousin (op's kid)' card when they need childcare" ~cursedroses
"Oh yeah, they definitely want money or a place to stay or some kind of help or something."
"You don't do something so cruel, and get everyone to turn against op, then ignore and exclude and go out of your way to keep them isolated."
"Just to turn around and want to apologize and be close again."
"No, they are definitely looking to start a relationship just so they can then ask for money or something." ~ Intrepid-Database-15
Though not everyone took OP's side.
"'Including ruining our families Christmas with my parents by flying in, and my parents even chose to go over there, instead of being with their only grandson.'"
"This part is odd to me. If this woman is so terrible and OP's situation is so righteous, why would parents opt to leave OP for Christmas?"
"Why would OP need to uproot their entire life and find new friends over a he-said-she-said?"
"That and the insistence that SIL is "supposed to be" this engaged aunt to OPs kid."
"Something is missing." ~ stealthdawg
"Yes!"
"There is something huge missing, and it probably makes OP look like an AH." ~ coderredfordays
"I was thinking the same thing. Something is fishy. Keep your guard up." ~ Remarkable_Buyer4625
"I want to say NTA, but your story just doesn't add up."
"Am I the only one who finds it oddly specific that she would say, 'We need a rule that I won't let your bro crush me.'"
"She then proceeds to bang him, break up his marriage, marry him, and ruin Christmas. She feels like a cartoon villain who only tells you want she can't do so she can violate her promise."
"I also don't understand why work is such a problem unless you were side-by-side daily and telling all your friends you're sleeping with her, only to follow up with - 'nevermind, she dump me for my bro."'
"Why would you share that?"
"I doubt she sent an email to the office saying, 'Hey, just in case Trevor says he slept with me, he didn't. I was always planning on banging his bro and ruining Christmas."'
"And why would her parents invite you places?"
"I have a great relationship with both my BIL and SIL and Step-SIL... and their parents have never invited me anywhere."
"I see them on occasion. We're very cordial."
"They aren't like 'Hey buddy, I know we have absolutely no relationship beyond twice removed inlawship, but do you want to go to Disney?"'
"Lastly... you specifically said they aren't in your life, so how would you be the AH for not having them in your life."
"Why would you want these people in your child's life? If your parents pick them over you, fine - you have narc parents. Let them go."
"Reply to the email, say 'Don't sweat it. All is good here.' The best revenge is living well."
"Reconsidering, you might be the AH because this whole thing feels needy and shady." ~
RandomizedNameSystem
Commenters wanted more information.
"INFO what did she apologize for?"
"Just for sleeping with your brother, or what?"
"I would say you should accept the apology if it stops the family division, but if she's not trying to actually make amends for not being a good family member, she probably wants money, but it's hard to tell until she reveals her true motive." ~ BetterYellow6332
"INFO: I'm feeling like there's a part of the story missing. Why did you have to leave work and friends because everyone thinks you're the jerk?"
"Why would anyone think that? What exactly do other ppl think happened?" ~ jttm80
How long is too long to wait for an apology?
In this case maybe it wasn't just the time involved, but the sincerity that our original poster found lacking.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.