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Guy Balks After SIL Who Ditched Him To Marry His Cheating Brother Tries To Apologize Years Later

Man and woman arguing
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How long is too long to wait for an apology?

We tend to think of remorse as being an immediate reaction to whatever it is that we did wrong, but sometimes the folly in our actions can take a long time to show itself.

So, what happens when someone expresses remorse after a long period of time, is it still something worth forgiving?

That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Curious_Tutor2002 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.

He asked:

“AITA SIL wants to apologize 4 years later” 

OP began with some interesting history.

“So, this one is a doozy. Buckle up folks.”

“So I met this woman (34 at the time, call her Jess) when I was 28. My Brother Kurt (24) also worked with us. He’s a married man at this point.”

“Her and I started sleeping with each other with no real crazy strings attached, but certain agreements nonetheless.”

“If you’re sleeping with other people, let me know, etc. Including a rule that she made, stating she’d never sleep with my brother.”

He then explained the inciting incident.

“Well, a few months pass, and it’s my birthday, so I threw a party at my house.”

“Weirdly, Jess, my brother, and my brother’s wife didn’t show up and didn’t answer any of my messages. Wouldn’t you know it? Kurt was cheating on his wife with Jess.”

“Not only did this create a tumultuous relationship with my brother, but I had to uproot my work environment for a new place, and new friends (Jess lied and told people we never did anything together, so they thought I was the jerk).”

“Then my parents even got involved and begged me, knowing what he did, to allow him to stay with me after his wife threw him out.”

“Then Jess and Kurt get married!”

“So now she’s my SIL.”

Then, gave a summation of his grievances.

“And in the four-plus years she’s never apologized; Kurt isn’t the greatest there either.”

“They have also never even attempted to be an aunt or uncle to their only nephew.”

“In 4+ years, I think they bought him 1 present, maybe 2.”

“They’ve never asked to visit, planned a day with him, or even Facetimed to say hi, in 4 years.”

“Now, she sends me an email out of the blue, only after I’ve been saying for years how batsh*t insane this all is, to apologize to me.”

“She didn’t even spell my wife’s name right in the email, nor acknowledge her lack of even attempting to act like an aunt or a family member.”

“And I’m 100 percent certain her parents and family don’t actually know the real story, and they’ve reached out to invite me to places.”

“Including ruining our families Christmas with my parents by flying in, and my parents even chose to go over there instead of being with their only grandson.”

OP was left to wonder, 

“AITA for not supporting their marriage, attempts to have children, or general want for them to be around as a ‘family’ in a way that could directly affect my families life?”

Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided: NTA

Some pointed out the red flags.


“And for anyone reading this: if you’re hooking up with someone and she says to you, out loud, ‘I’ve got a rule that I’ve made for myself that I’ll never sleep with your brother,”’

“you stop hooking up with that person because that is an insane thing to say.” ~ DarkeSword


“To me, cheating with your sibling’s SO is a loud and clear ‘I don’t care to keep you in my life anymore’ declaration.”

“If my sister did that, I’d accept her for who she is and say ‘message received and registered, all the best’ and honor her life choices by never speaking to her again 🤷‍♀️”

“Another tact you could take:”

“Ask if she’s making amends by correcting prior lies she spread about you and being honest about her actions.”

“If the answer is anything other than a clear and full yes, say that you want to support her journey in living a better life but playing along with her lies will only enable her to hurt herself and others further.”

“So you’ll wait til she’s ready to begin an honest life. Then, wait.” ~ newbeginingshey

Others felt there were ulterior motives.

“I’m just gonna say it, though:”

“I think she’s beating around the bush with this ‘apology’ and wants money, like, for example, money to help her have a baby.”

“They definitely want something. People like her don’t just apologize out of the blue unless it’s for their own potential gain.”

“NTA.” ~ stop_spam_calls

“Somebody, somewhere, put pressure on your former lover to ‘apologize’ to you, and she did do-poorly. You don’t have to know or care who is pulling her strings.”

“My guess is that they want something. But I am a suspicious person.”

“Just because we are offered an apology, doesn’t mean we have to accept it. You would be a saint if you did.”

“Are you a saint? You know you don’t have to be. NTA”

“I am sure your life is rich and full, even without your brother and his second wife in it.” ~ YouthNAsia63

“Trying to ‘buddy up’ now so they can pull the ‘baby wants to spend time with cousin (op’s kid)’ card when they need childcare” ~cursedroses

“Oh yeah, they definitely want money or a place to stay or some kind of help or something.”

“You don’t do something so cruel, and get everyone to turn against op, then ignore and exclude and go out of your way to keep them isolated.”

“Just to turn around and want to apologize and be close again.”

“No, they are definitely looking to start a relationship just so they can then ask for money or something.” ~ Intrepid-Database-15

Though not everyone took OP’s side.

“‘Including ruining our families Christmas with my parents by flying in, and my parents even chose to go over there, instead of being with their only grandson.'”

“This part is odd to me. If this woman is so terrible and OP’s situation is so righteous, why would parents opt to leave OP for Christmas?”

“Why would OP need to uproot their entire life and find new friends over a he-said-she-said?”

“That and the insistence that SIL is “supposed to be” this engaged aunt to OPs kid.”

“Something is missing.” ~ stealthdawg


“There is something huge missing, and it probably makes OP look like an AH.” ~ coderredfordays

“I was thinking the same thing. Something is fishy. Keep your guard up.” ~ Remarkable_Buyer4625

“I want to say NTA, but your story just doesn’t add up.”

“Am I the only one who finds it oddly specific that she would say, ‘We need a rule that I won’t let your bro crush me.'”

“She then proceeds to bang him, break up his marriage, marry him, and ruin Christmas. She feels like a cartoon villain who only tells you want she can’t do so she can violate her promise.”

“I also don’t understand why work is such a problem unless you were side-by-side daily and telling all your friends you’re sleeping with her, only to follow up with – ‘nevermind, she dump me for my bro.”‘

“Why would you share that?”

“I doubt she sent an email to the office saying, ‘Hey, just in case Trevor says he slept with me, he didn’t. I was always planning on banging his bro and ruining Christmas.”‘

“And why would her parents invite you places?”

“I have a great relationship with both my BIL and SIL and Step-SIL… and their parents have never invited me anywhere.”

“I see them on occasion. We’re very cordial.”

“They aren’t like ‘Hey buddy, I know we have absolutely no relationship beyond twice removed inlawship, but do you want to go to Disney?”‘

“Lastly… you specifically said they aren’t in your life, so how would you be the AH for not having them in your life.”

“Why would you want these people in your child’s life? If your parents pick them over you, fine – you have narc parents. Let them go.”

“Reply to the email, say ‘Don’t sweat it. All is good here.’ The best revenge is living well.”

“Reconsidering, you might be the AH because this whole thing feels needy and shady.” ~

Commenters wanted more information.

“INFO what did she apologize for?”

“Just for sleeping with your brother, or what?”

“I would say you should accept the apology if it stops the family division, but if she’s not trying to actually make amends for not being a good family member, she probably wants money, but it’s hard to tell until she reveals her true motive.” ~ BetterYellow6332

“INFO: I’m feeling like there’s a part of the story missing. Why did you have to leave work and friends because everyone thinks you’re the jerk?”

“Why would anyone think that? What exactly do other ppl think happened?” ~ jttm80

How long is too long to wait for an apology?

In this case maybe it wasn’t just the time involved, but the sincerity that our original poster found lacking.

Written by Frank Geier

Frank Geier (pronouns he/him) is a nerd and father of three who recently moved to Alabama. He is an avid roleplayer and storyteller occasionally masquerading as a rational human.