Some people believe it is definitely possible to have too much of a good thing.
And indeed, anything in excess, be it food, hobbies, or activities, stands the chance of losing its appeal.
Making it seem less "special" than it already is.
Redditor Unusual-Flan-7732 was grew increasingly tired of a habit his wife had recently developed.
Catching on to his displeasure, the original poster (OP)'s wife asked him if he would like it if she toned them down, just a little bit.
However, the OP's honest answer to her question proved the last thing his wife wanted to hear, seemingly straining their relationship.
Wondering where he might have gone awry, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA For asking my wife to please complement me less?"
The OP explained why he felt he could use a few less of his wife's compliments:
"I (26 M[ale]) was asked by my wife (29 F[emale]) last night if she gives me too many compliments."
"I answered yes just a little bit, to which she replied 'don't you like them though?'"
"And I said yes I do just not so many a day."
"Because after so many it doesn't feel as special or personal to me, it just feels like you're saying it to say it."
"She said she had the same amount of meaning to all of them and she just wants me to feel special."
"I replied I appreciate that but to me it just doesn't feel the same and I asked if she could give me 1-3 compliments a day instead of her usual amounts which was about 4-7."
"She then got really quiet for 30 seconds and stormed off to the bathroom, brushed her teeth and went to bed."
"I am confused to why she is mad at me saying how it made me feel."
"I thought she would appreciate the feedback."
"I am not someone who hates compliments at all, I like them just not so many at a time because it feels much less meaningful and less personal."
"I would just like to be complemented a little less everyday so they feel more meaningful."
"So AITA?"
The OP would later clarify a few things about his wife's excessive complimenting in the comments section:
"My reasoning is that I grew up in a relatively emotionless house and complements were few and far between."
"But when you did get a complement it made me feel very seen and appreciated."
"It also after a while of so many makes me feel like I dont deserve them."
"I'm just a regular person doing regular things no need to complement me about it."
"I understand that it is one of the ways she shows love to me."
"But am I not allowed to tell her how it makes me feel?"
"I definitely could have worded things better in my response, but telling your partner how they make you feel is just part of communication."
"Why do I have to 'just deal with it' if it makes me uncomfortable?"
"There are a lot of sexual comments."
"Such as grabbing my crotch and saying how much she likes it."
"You don't need to grab it and say that multiple times a day."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided on whether or not the OP was the a**hole for the way he spoke to his wife.
Some had a change of heart after reading the OP's updates, finding that behavior somewhat creepy and manipulative, and some felt that, update or not, the OP's wife didn't have a right to get so upset when he merely answered her question honestly:
"OP, your edit completely changes everything and you really buried the lede."
"Being touched there without your consent, when you're saying no, is a massive problem."
"You're right to be upset."
"NTA."- h2oooohno
"NTA."
"aAl of these comments are insane."
"Manipulating someone is not how you ask for something in a relationship."
"If you want something ask for it."
"These are the same people who in the same breath will say communication is so important."
"Smh."- Primary_Jaguar411
"NTA."
"Kinda crazy how many comments are sh*tting on you for feeling how you do."
"Sometimes, a lot of compliments can be overwhelming."
"A lot of anything can be overwhelming."
"Just because you guys don't get complimented doesn't mean OP needs to enjoy it for you."
"Maybe you could've worded it better, but honestly, just speak with her again once she cools off."
"See if she'll tell you how she felt and what she wants from you."- Soulless35
"NTA."
"If you'd told her unprompted you'd be an AH but she literally asked."
"There's two options: either she wanted a specific answer and got angry you didn't give it, which would make her an AH; or, she wants you to compliment her more and refuses to communicate it clearly, making her the AH."
"Those calling you an AH for answering honestly and daring to have personal preferences are AHs and a lot of them are clearly sexist."- Eresyx
"I love how absolutely everyone in this feed completely dismisses your discomfort! s/ Just because other people are starved for compliments, doesn't mean your feelings are in any way invalid."
"I had it happen too in a prior relationship, drowned in compliments, and After a while it starts to feel disingenuous, as if it is being said just to be said."
"Even manipulative."
"Turns out the bugger was a manipulative gaslighter, so my gut feeling if discomfort at the overflow of compliments was my savior and I managed to get away!"
"So no, you are NTA for feeling uncomfortable and communicating this to your wife when she explicitly ASKED you how you felt about it."
"That being said, there is some solid advice that maybe she is fishing for compliments too, and it might be worth it to try and compliment her more often."
"To everyone calling you an A-hole because other men don't get compliments and you should just 'suck it up'.. "
"Sexist much?"
"I'm sure if this had been a woman who had posted this, y'all be singing a different tune."- Solid-Long9980
Others, however, had more trouble sympathizing with the OP, feeling they were wilfully ignoring his wife's pleas to be complimented more often by him:
"Wife here."
"Been married five years and I compliment my husband maybe more than your wife compliments you."
"I genuinely mean each one."
"I adore my husband, and I want him to know that and feel secure in our relationship."
"YTA."
"Let her love you."
"Take her compliments on board."- Negative-Remote-9221
"YTA."
"Everyone's love language is different and i think this is where you guys are having the tiff."
"My best friend gives out 100s of compliments a day just because that's how she shows affection and care, while i'm not the best at taking them I know it's just how she chooses to love me."
"It's the same for your wife."
"I don't think her reaction was amazing but she's probably seeing it as you denying a huge part of how she loves you and shows it."
"You not seeing the value of how she loves is offensive and mean."
"This is where I would say suck it up or learn to love it."
"She obviously loves you and loves to remind you through sweet words throughout the day."
"It's not fair for her to feel like her way of caring is a burden when it isn't at all."
"Also it's a compliment, it can't be hurting you enough that you're willing to lose her."
"Do better and choose your battles wisely."- Expert_Pilot6232
"You're going to regret this."
"I've seen two posts along these lines that ended horribly."
"One was a guy who told his wife to not talk as much, and the other was a woman who told her husband to not touch her so much."
"Look for them and learn from them."
"YTA."- Bipolar_Bear_84
"Dude I can't imagine the HELL you live in bro."
"Your wife compliments you 4-7 A DAY!"
'How grueling."
"The turmoil."
"YTA."
"I literally feel like compliments from my partner are little cute treasures."- laurendrillz
"YTA."
"You're taking her care and affection for granted."
"Time to start looking at your own issues here because her compliments aren't the problem."- indred72
"YTA."
"Get used to never getting another compliment again because those days are gone."
"Most people would kill to have their spouse give them genuine compliments throughout the day, but that's over for you now so I hope being honest was worth it lol."- Know_1_7777777
Upon reading everything the Reddit community had to say, the OP later returned with an update, concerning a conversation he had with his wife:
"We did later talk about it, and she did say she does it so often because she wants more compliments."
"I understand that I need to compliment her more, and I am trying to be better at that."
Not all people react to compliments in the same way.
In fact some people hate being complimented as much as others love it, which seems to be close to the situation between the OP and his wife.
It also seemed the OP's wife hoped that her excessive complimenting might change his ways, and she might be complimented more.
Hopefully, it has become clear to both of them that honesty and straightforwardness are always the best paths, and they'll both receive the compliments they desire.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp