No matter how old we get, anyone with a sibling tends to worry that their parents prefer their siblings to them.
Often by the smallest actions made by their parents, which truly didn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.
Unfortunately, there are indeed some parents who make no attempt to hide their preference for one of their children over the others.
Such was the case for Redditor throwaway649q, whose parents, and the rest of his family were pretty open with their preference for one of the original poster (OP)'s younger twin siblings.
With this in mind, the OP took the other one under his wing a little bit and even went out of his way to help him as he approached a major milestone.
When his other sibling learned she was not getting the same help, she made no effort to hide her anger.
Worried that he may have made a mistake, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for favoring my scapegoat brother over his golden child twin sister?"
The OP explained why he felt the need to give his younger brother a bit of extra attention, which didn't end up sitting well with his younger sister.
"I (20 M[ale]) have two younger siblings, 'Joe' and 'Jill'."
"They're twins, both 18 and graduating high school this year."
"Jill is my parent's favorite, because they've always wanted a daughter, while Joe is their scapegoat, because I guess he's the bonus baby they never actually asked for."
"I'm mostly better off than Joe, as I'm the oldest grandson from both sides of my family, almost all of whom are just as blatant as my parents are about their favoritism."
"I felt really bad for Joe, so I did what I could to make him feel less alone."
"Like when Jill got to go shopping with mommy and daddy, I took Joe skating with my friends."
"When our parents were too busy watching Jill's kiddie pageant, I dragged my best bud to sit through Joe's elementary school musical."
"Small things like that. It all started as pity moves, but soon my friends pretty much like Joe better than me, while Jill's princess syndrome got in her head, so now I spend more time with Joe because I simply like him better than Jill."
"Never said it out loud, but I don't make it a secret either that I prefer not to spend my time with entitled brats."
"Anyway, like I said they're graduating soon."
"They both already had their choice of college, accommodations, etc."
"Jill's going to a uni in SF, fully funded by our parents, unsurprisingly."
"Joe's going to the same Uni as mine in Seattle, but different campus just 20ish minutes away."
"He got a full ride, which apparently makes him ineligible to get any financial help from his own parents."
"This is also hardly surprising, so I made some calls to ask around, see if anyone is hiring next fall."
"I did this while on facetime with Joe."
"I was reassuring him that we'll find him a job that don't suck and pays enough, that he's better off without dad's money anyway because we both know it comes with strings attached, that this way, mom and dad wouldn't be able to stick their noses into his purchases."
"I got him to feel better about the whole thing and logged off."
"I guess Jill overheard, because the next day she sent me texts after texts demanding I help her find jobs as well because she doesn't want dad 'nagging her'."
"When I told her, politely btw, that I don't know anyone in SF, and that she'd get more help from mom and dad, she blew up, saying all these things about me favoring Joe over her, which, yeah."
"It's true."
"I love both of my siblings, but I don't particularly like Jill."
"It's not like she's making herself likable, though, so AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community wholeheartedly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for helping his younger brother find a job, and not his sister.
Just about everyone felt that the OP's sister got a taste of her own medicine, and her anger was even more ludicrous considering her parents were paying for her to go to college.
"NTA."
"Your brother is very lucky to have you."
"But remember that it is not your sister's fault, that her parents favored her."
"It is also not her fault, that this made her entitled."
"But she is an adult now, so it is her responsibility to do better in the future."
"She will need time for that."
"I would directly explain to her, why you treat them differently."
"Get it out in the open, it seems about time."
"Be kind and tell her, that you love her and don't blame her for your parents mistakes but also point out specific situations, where her behavior made hanging out with her difficult."
"It is also not your job to help your siblings."
"You are doing it for your brother, because you want to."
"You have good reasons to not want to do it for Jill as well."
"She did not even ask nicely, she just demanded it."
"It is about time, that that she understands, that this is not how you get people to do favors for you."-sandwich_paper
"NTA."
"Explain to her the difference in treatment by your parents."
"Maybe she's redeemable you never know."- Zookeeper-007
"I figured your brother was a total f*ck up or something, but seems his only crime was being the boy twin."
"F*ck ups don't get full rides to college."
"Here's the thing, of course you are NTA, but you went above and beyond, because without someone like you in his life Joe would have likely slipped into total fuck up territory."
"So what you have done for him is beyond any measure of the acronyms we have on this page."
"As for Jill, give her a chance to grow up without your parents constant dotage."
"She might surprise you."- BaltimoreBadger23
"Reading this startled me, as I'm100% the Joe in my family."
"I have a golden-child opposite-gender twin and an older sibling the same gender I am."
"Crazy."
"You're doing a great job."
"I am soooo grateful for my older sister who sounds a lot like you."- SKatieRo
"NTA."
"As a scapegoat child myself, I would have done anything for a sibling like you."
"Good on you!"- Global_Rich2165
"NTA."
"No offence, but I hate parents who play favorites, it's so toxic."
"The irony is that your parents don't realize they're damaging their golden child too, but in a more insidious way."
"It might not seem like it because they're getting everything and they can be entitled and obnoxious, but the golden child is a victim as well the scapegoat child."
"I hope Joe gets therapy in college and heals and goes low contact with your parents and I hope Jill one day sees your parents for who they really are and breaks free of her golden child handcuffs."-FloppyEaredDog
"NTA."
"Your brother needed you and you stepped up."
"But maybe when Jill is at uni try to visit her, tell her now that you'll check on her to see how she's doing."
"She might be different once she's away from the toxicity of your parents."- wilf_theangelbean
"NTA Without all favoritism, the fact remains sister is going to a city in which big brother doesn't live."
"At least with the male twin being closer to big brother, he would have better ideas to help younger brother get a job."- FlagCityDiva
"NTA you're an awesome brother."
"Believe me, none of this is small."
"It's everything."- waterfairyunicorn
"NTA."
"But you could be kinder and more encouraging to jill about her independence without putting in more actual work."
"I get that you trie your best and you your behavior is absolutely valid."
"Kindness also costs you nothing and a few."
"'Wow, I think it is fantastic that you want to work to be more independent from our parents'."
"'That's very mature and the right step in my opinion''."
"'I'm sorry that I can't help you find a job in that city as I know no one there, but I'm sure you will find something that fits and pay enough'."
"'You could look at xyz places'."
"'You will get there'."
"'You also have more time because our parents are willing to fund it for you'."
"'The time for joe is way more urgent'."
"I do think if jill gets away from your parents and actually does get herself a job, she may mature and becomes a more likable person."
"As said, there is nothing wrong with your behavior and kill them with kindness is way easier said than done and maybe not even possible here."
"All the best to you and your siblings."
"Your parents suck extreme."- CakeEatingRabbit
Considering that the OP's sister has had the almost undivided attention of her parents all her life, it's rather surprising that she was upset the OP was helping her twin brother, and not proud of him.
Perhaps that only makes her entitlement all the more clear.
One rather hopes the OP's parents are aware of this, as had they shown their children equal love, this whole situation might not have happened.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp