Parents continue wanting what's best for their child as they develop into adulthood, and a positive dating experience is no exception.
One couple is at odds over their teen daughter taking an interest in a guy the same age... and the point of contention is not how he treats her.
When the parental argument escalated, the wife/mother visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Key-Jackfruit2552 asked:
"AITA for insulting my husband for what he said about our daughter's bf?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter (17 f[emale]) recently started dating this boy 17 m[ale]. He is her first bf ever. One of my biggest concerns when my daughter started dating is her getting mistreated, an obvious concern"
"However, after meeting her bf at one of his baseball games (she met him through one of her friends in baseball) I realized this was not something I had to be seriously concerned about."
"He is genuinely one of the sweetest people I have ever met. Every time I see him interact with the coaches, his teammates, his opponents, my daughter, etc. it is always positive. He is just generally a very soft-spoken and kind individual, always positive and happy. I also say this with no ill intent, but he is fairly short and somewhat tubby, which is relevant to my husbands opinion."
The OP continued:
"I obviously do not care about this as he is a good person and quite clearly treats my daughter well. When my husband met him earlier, however, he did not seem as happy."
"Once he had left, he told me that he don't think he was right for our daughter. He made comments about him not being man enough. I said that our daughter loves him and he loves our daughter, and that I'm happy she's with someone we know will treat her right."
"My husband said that he would rather her be with a 'real man', not some short little gay kid. I got a little mad at this and said what would you rather have him be then? some big macho man that snaps at our daughter? He responded by saying that that would be better than some fat pansy."
"I told him he was just being an annoying d*ck to the kid for no reason other than he doesn't think he's 'man' enough for some stupid arbitrary reason and that he should be supporting our daughter. He said if your fine with our daughter dating a f'king pansy, so be it I guess."
"He stormed off, and I've been reflecting on it and think maybe what I said was uncalled for as he has his own perspective on these things as a dad, and I should not have started throwing around insults as that does nothing to fix this issue for our daughter and her bf."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"So he would rather your daughter be married to a brute tough guy who treats her like sh*t than a shorter chubby kid who treats her well? So appearance is actually more important than character to your husband. Tell your husband you did some research and found out there iszero obligation for him to f'k your daughters boyfriend so he can actually shove his opinion up his own @ss."
"NTA but pay attention to how he acts and what else he has these opinions on, he doesn't think like that in a vacuum. He's gotta be an a**hole in 4D." – itstheloneliestlife
"Not only does OP's husband value appearance above character, he values appearance above his own daughter's well-being. That's just sick. He'd rather his daughter date some 6' macho man who hurts her than a chubby short kid she loves and who loves her back. I wonder, when he watches Beauty and the Beast does he root for Gaston?"
"If my husband said something like this, it'd kill any attraction I have towards him. OP's husband is obviously homophobic. I don't know how she can stay with someone who values toxic masculinity over the safety and happiness of his own child. Such a turnoff."
"People like OP's husband are so emotional and low IQ, it's a wonder they manage to get married in the first place. I assume it's a road lined with a lot of overlooked red flags." – old_vegetables
"NTA. It's not just the whole values appearances over character here, which is bad enough on its own. It's that he finds bad behavior and possibly abuse acceptable as long as said person conforms to his idea of manliness."
"Imagine this behavior pointed at your daughter." – tango421
"Are you still with your husband - after those comments, I would not even want to see his face, let alone have to live in the same house with him."
"I cannot think of one thing you could have said that would be considered an insult after what he said about his daughter's BF."
"Has your husband always been verbally Abusive ???"
"Your husband sounds like a TAH, he is going to do everything possible to make this kid afraid of him and break it off with your daughter."
"I'd have a talk with your daughter and tell her for some reason he father isn't fond of her BF so if he gives her a hard time or BF a hard time, you want her to come to you asap and let you know."
"NO YOU are NOT TAH - your husband is though." – RosieDays456
"NTA."
"Is your husband always this much of a jerk and judgmental about people? Does he treat you well? I only ask bc, like you said, it sounds like your daughter has an amazing boyfriend, and I can't imagine why he would be so negative about him. Does he feel bad that he's not as kind as this kid or something? Or is he being negative to get her (in a bizarre way) to stop dating completely?" –
xxooxxxooxx
"NTA. Your husband is, at the most merciful best, expecting too much of someone who is still in the throes of puberty and is a nice kid. But plainly, he's homophobic and shallow."
"Clearly the kid isn't gay if he's sincerely into your daughter. Who cares what he is? He treats her well and has been polite and friendly around you. You hit the high school daughter's boyfriend lottery, and your husband is behaving like a fool." – RadioSupply
"Your husband is toxic AF. I'd be crushed if my wife talked that way, and I know without a doubt, she'd leave me over comments like that. I'm so glad your daughter never learned what type of man she needs from your husband and chose the man she wants. Don't know you, but damn that pisses me off, people like him.... I'm sorry you're married to a 'real man'"
"BTW, nta." – ph_ph-photobomb
"NTA but your hubby definitely is. Have a one-on-one conversation with your daughter and advise her not to let your husband's comments sway her opinion on her bf (if she is aware of the comments). Perhaps hubby needs some form of individual counseling, maybe an underlying insecurity." – JustHere-11337
"NTA but you have bigger issues than insulting your husband."
"Your husband is sexist, homophobic, and a bigot. He has you questioning between what is better, a 'manly man' who is going to mistreat your daughter to show how macho he is or someone who is going to treat your daughter like a person?" – nonchalantenigma
"NTA but I would think long and hard about this marriage. Your husband has made it clear that your daughter should be with a stereotypical tough guy who most luckily would mistreat her (and possibly worse) than date a 'fat pansy.' "
"Then stormed off after he said, 'If you're fine with our daughter dating a f'king pansy, so be it, I guess.' "
"Kudos to you for standing up for your daughter, but keep doing it for yourself. He sounds like a sexist AH on all accounts. Plus, it makes me wonder how he treats you and your daughter at home...." – AVeryBrownGirlNerd
"NTA."
"The fact that you would even consider that it's very possible that someone else may have a very valid opinion and that you just don't understand it, proves that about you. Not only that, but you're putting in extra effort to try to understand that opinion. Super not an a**hole."
"That being said, your husband sounds like kind of a jerk. And the fact that you're on here, second guessing yourself for standing up to him, and thinking that YOU are the a**hole makes me worried about how he treats you." – Vegetable-Tart-4721
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP for supporting the daughter's interest in dating her boyfriend, mainly because he makes her happy and treats her with respect.
However, Redditors didn't hold back in stating that the OP's husband was the real antagonist in this conflict.
If the boy makes their daughter happy, that should be the deciding factor, but apparently that rule doesn't apply to everyone.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp