Caring for an elderly parent can be challenging on so many levels.
Caregiving takes its toll emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Boundaries are very important.
But certain caretaking boundaries can look like cruelty to some.
Redditor no_hot_fudge_sundae wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to make my demented mother a hot fudge sundae at 1:30 AM when she asked for it and woke me up?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (67 F[emale]) am my mother's caregiver (94 years old)."
"She gets up at night to use the bathroom many times, and I never get any sleep."
"Taking care of her is a full-time job, and everyone assumes it is easy."
"I take her to every appointment, to the bathroom, lift her everywhere."
"It is a lot."
"Last night at 1:30 in the morning, she randomly woke me up asking me to make her a hot fudge sundae."
"I yelled back that it was 1:30 and to go to bed."
"She asked me again and I yelled at her, probably rudely, and told her to go to bed and that her request was ridiculous given the time of the day."
"She persisted."
"My nephew in the other room woke up and made her the sundae, which she said she loved."
"She thanked him and said she does not think she will get to have many of them in her life given her age and health."
"My nephews, sister, B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw], and N[iece]-I[n]-L[aw] all admonished me for not making her the sundae and said I was cruel and mean."
"In my mind, it was an insane request, and now she is going to ask for it every night."
"She has no concept of time of day, and I am her sole caregiver."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, Reddit... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I was the sole caregiver for both grandparents through their decline, one after the other."
"I burned out so badly and the LEAST helpful thing was complaints, opinions, and suggestions from the other family members who did nothing to actually help."
"I remember begging for help and a break and being told I should find a support group and also that the garage needed to be cleaned." ~ b00kbat
"You are doing the best you can!"
'Please see if you can get some respite care for your own sake, full-time caregiver is an extremely taxing job, and you don't know usually until it's dropped in your lap."
"It's well and good that your nephew made the sundae, but you're doing this every single day… and especially with dementia, you easily could have gotten up and made it, and she forgot or fell asleep."
"Please be easy on yourself. You're doing a job that not everyone is capable of, and you're doing the best you can." ~ quesadillafanatic
"It's literally called caretaker burnout, and OP has it."
"In a perfect world, it would have been simple, but he's tired."
"He's 67!!!!"
"My husband and I are in our forties, I go through let's call them wild cycles and he would have done the same."
"OP is a sweetheart and def NTA." ~ HuntMiserable5351
"No, you are not."
"You are at a breaking point."
"Other people live in the house with you apparently so one of them got it for her."
"No biggie."
"Make sure you are taking time for yourself."
"What you are dealing with is a lot!" ~ KSNJ22
"Any relative who wants to make sure your mother gets a sundae in the middle of the night can volunteer to spend the night at your place providing respite care so that you can sleep in peace."
"Anyone judging you simply has NO IDEA what it's like to take care of someone in this condition 24/7."
"Definitely NTA." ~ Interesting-Fish6065
"I'm a caregiver too."
"You need support from family that lives nearby."
"They are now on nighttime call."
"If mom wants something in the middle of the night, she needs to call them to come help."
"You can put it on a rotating basis between them."
"It should be super simple for them to do it." ~ GoodDogsEverywhere
"Tell your critics that they are on sundae duty."
"If they don't live with you, feel free to call them at 1:30 am and tell them to get over to your place to make her a hot fudge sundae."
"Indulging your demented mother's whims is not necessary. NTA." ~ Regular_Boot_3540
"Obviously, the real AH here is dementia."
"Honey, you need and deserve proper respite care."
"You're at the end of your rope, and bad things happen when someone spends too long at the end of their rope without real relief."
"I think you need to accept that your mother is at the point where she needs to be placed in a memory care facility."
"I'm guessing from your age that, like my grandmother, your mom is/was deeply opposed to going into one."
'Seems like a common thing for that generation."
"I think they're stuck with an idea about how care homes used to be - very institutionalized, with little or no privacy, and nothing to do all day."
"They've evolved a lot and now have things like better food, daytime activities, and more emphasis on taking care of people in a way that respects privacy and autonomy more."
"At the end of the day, you're lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm, and that's not sustainable. Better to find a place that she can go than to find out who gets hurt when you break."
"NTA. I'm close to NAH, because you can't really understand how hard this is until you've lived it, and it sounds like they haven't lived with her."
"Maybe your sister should try it for a week; you would get some real rest, and she would better understand why something MUST change." ~ KaliTheBlaze
"NTA, you are sleep-deprived and physically exhausted."
"Why aren't the rest of your family taking turns and why are you lifting your mother when there are younger stronger people in the house?"
"Tell them since it's so easy, you are taking a break for a week, go somewhere and get a rest, and let them find out just how exhausting it is being constantly responsible for someone else." ~ slinkimalinki
"NTA, that's exhaustion and sleep deprivation speaking."
"Please, for your sake and health try to get someone to do some rotations with you (weekly/monthly) before you burn out."
"Being a caregiver is a selfless job but please prioritize yourself as well, there's absolutely no shame in that." ~ Substantial_Bread573
"Your sister and brother-in-law should be contributing towards costs of in-home help to support you in this monumental role of caregiving."
"You're NTA at all." ~ shgrdrbr
"NTA for refusing, but shouting shows, as other people have said, that you are burnt out."
"You need assistance, and as your family is criticizing you, clearly, they are the ones who should be helping out." ~ timbono5
"NTA, unless you don't look for help."
"I was my mother's caregiver and am grateful that her mental health wasn't the issue, but the burnout is harmful to all parties."
"If you can, take a week - have other family take care of her while you get much-needed rest."
"Look for, if not a nursing home, some sort of service for at-home care or adult day care so you get regular breaks."
"It's not fair of anyone, including yourself, to exist only to take care of your parent." ~ ahhh_ennui
"NTA!!! God, I wish I knew how to make that in big letters."
"I am a private, very well-paid live-in caregiver."
"I'm there 5 days a week and go to my own apartment 2 days, 48 hours."
"On my 2 days off, I SLEEP!"
"I get home about 9:30 am, eat, and go to bed."
"Get up around noon."
"Take my next nap around 2 pm."
"Sometimes I sleep until 7."
"Go back to bed around 9-10 and sleep till morning."
"Same thing next day."
"My pay and perks are substantial, and without those 2 days off, I don't think I could do it."
"You need respite care."
"This is such a draining job."
"Without self-care, you won't be able to sustain yourself."
"I'm so sorry you aren't getting the support you need. NTA!" ~ Readsumthing
"NTA. You sound absolutely exhausted, to be honest."
"Have you considered respite or having carers in through the day just so you can get a break? "
"I know what it's like to be 'on duty' all day and night and every day and never being able to switch off."
"Your family needs to step up to give you some time off / not berate you."
"Draw up a rota or better still get them too - you need a break desperately." ~ Traditional_Onion461
"You definitely are NTA here."
"Being a caregiver is one of the toughest jobs out there."
"Maybe try to find something she can keep at her bedside that's not an ice cream sundae that she can help herself to if she needs a snack in the night." ~ not__personal
"NTA, is there any way you can get some assistance?"
"Looking after someone 24 hours a day is not feasible, and if you add dementia on top, it's just too difficult."
"I have so much empathy for you, if you had some help then it would benefit you and your mum, good luck, and stay strong." ~ gia-walker
"You're NTA."
"This is what happens when you start to get burned out."
"Tell your family you're getting burned out and ask for help."
"If there are others in the house, set up a day/night call schedule."
"Look into respite and adult day care programs."
"You can't pull water from an empty well."
"Bless you for taking this on." ~ El-Em-Enn-Oh-Pee
Reddit is with you, OP.
Caretaker burnout is very real.
It's time for your family to step up.
It's not your Mom's fault, and it's not yours.
Stay strong, and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp