Caring for an elderly parent can be challenging on so many levels.
Caregiving takes its toll emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Boundaries are very important.
But certain caretaking boundaries can look like cruelty to some.
Redditor no_hot_fudge_sundae wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to make my demented mother a hot fudge sundae at 1:30 AM when she asked for it and woke me up?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (67 F[emale]) am my mother’s caregiver (94 years old).”
“She gets up at night to use the bathroom many times, and I never get any sleep.”
“Taking care of her is a full-time job, and everyone assumes it is easy.”
“I take her to every appointment, to the bathroom, lift her everywhere.”
“It is a lot.”
“Last night at 1:30 in the morning, she randomly woke me up asking me to make her a hot fudge sundae.”
“I yelled back that it was 1:30 and to go to bed.”
“She asked me again and I yelled at her, probably rudely, and told her to go to bed and that her request was ridiculous given the time of the day.”
“She persisted.”
“My nephew in the other room woke up and made her the sundae, which she said she loved.”
“She thanked him and said she does not think she will get to have many of them in her life given her age and health.”
“My nephews, sister, B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw], and N[iece]-I[n]-L[aw] all admonished me for not making her the sundae and said I was cruel and mean.”
“In my mind, it was an insane request, and now she is going to ask for it every night.”
“She has no concept of time of day, and I am her sole caregiver.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, Reddit… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. I was the sole caregiver for both grandparents through their decline, one after the other.”
“I burned out so badly and the LEAST helpful thing was complaints, opinions, and suggestions from the other family members who did nothing to actually help.”
“I remember begging for help and a break and being told I should find a support group and also that the garage needed to be cleaned.” ~ b00kbat
“You are doing the best you can!”
‘Please see if you can get some respite care for your own sake, full-time caregiver is an extremely taxing job, and you don’t know usually until it’s dropped in your lap.”
“It’s well and good that your nephew made the sundae, but you’re doing this every single day… and especially with dementia, you easily could have gotten up and made it, and she forgot or fell asleep.”
“Please be easy on yourself. You’re doing a job that not everyone is capable of, and you’re doing the best you can.” ~ quesadillafanatic
“It’s literally called caretaker burnout, and OP has it.”
“In a perfect world, it would have been simple, but he’s tired.”
“He’s 67!!!!”
“My husband and I are in our forties, I go through let’s call them wild cycles and he would have done the same.”
“OP is a sweetheart and def NTA.” ~ HuntMiserable5351
“No, you are not.”
“You are at a breaking point.”
“Other people live in the house with you apparently so one of them got it for her.”
“No biggie.”
“Make sure you are taking time for yourself.”
“What you are dealing with is a lot!” ~ KSNJ22
“Any relative who wants to make sure your mother gets a sundae in the middle of the night can volunteer to spend the night at your place providing respite care so that you can sleep in peace.”
“Anyone judging you simply has NO IDEA what it’s like to take care of someone in this condition 24/7.”
“Definitely NTA.” ~ Interesting-Fish6065
“I’m a caregiver too.”
“You need support from family that lives nearby.”
“They are now on nighttime call.”
“If mom wants something in the middle of the night, she needs to call them to come help.”
“You can put it on a rotating basis between them.”
“It should be super simple for them to do it.” ~ GoodDogsEverywhere
“Tell your critics that they are on sundae duty.”
“If they don’t live with you, feel free to call them at 1:30 am and tell them to get over to your place to make her a hot fudge sundae.”
“Indulging your demented mother’s whims is not necessary. NTA.” ~ Regular_Boot_3540
“Obviously, the real AH here is dementia.”
“Honey, you need and deserve proper respite care.”
“You’re at the end of your rope, and bad things happen when someone spends too long at the end of their rope without real relief.”
“I think you need to accept that your mother is at the point where she needs to be placed in a memory care facility.”
“I’m guessing from your age that, like my grandmother, your mom is/was deeply opposed to going into one.”
‘Seems like a common thing for that generation.”
“I think they’re stuck with an idea about how care homes used to be – very institutionalized, with little or no privacy, and nothing to do all day.”
“They’ve evolved a lot and now have things like better food, daytime activities, and more emphasis on taking care of people in a way that respects privacy and autonomy more.”
“At the end of the day, you’re lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm, and that’s not sustainable. Better to find a place that she can go than to find out who gets hurt when you break.”
“NTA. I’m close to NAH, because you can’t really understand how hard this is until you’ve lived it, and it sounds like they haven’t lived with her.”
“Maybe your sister should try it for a week; you would get some real rest, and she would better understand why something MUST change.” ~ KaliTheBlaze
“NTA, you are sleep-deprived and physically exhausted.”
“Why aren’t the rest of your family taking turns and why are you lifting your mother when there are younger stronger people in the house?”
“Tell them since it’s so easy, you are taking a break for a week, go somewhere and get a rest, and let them find out just how exhausting it is being constantly responsible for someone else.” ~ slinkimalinki
“NTA, that’s exhaustion and sleep deprivation speaking.”
“Please, for your sake and health try to get someone to do some rotations with you (weekly/monthly) before you burn out.”
“Being a caregiver is a selfless job but please prioritize yourself as well, there’s absolutely no shame in that.” ~ Substantial_Bread573
“Your sister and brother-in-law should be contributing towards costs of in-home help to support you in this monumental role of caregiving.”
“You’re NTA at all.” ~ shgrdrbr
“NTA for refusing, but shouting shows, as other people have said, that you are burnt out.”
“You need assistance, and as your family is criticizing you, clearly, they are the ones who should be helping out.” ~ timbono5
“NTA, unless you don’t look for help.”
“I was my mother’s caregiver and am grateful that her mental health wasn’t the issue, but the burnout is harmful to all parties.”
“If you can, take a week – have other family take care of her while you get much-needed rest.”
“Look for, if not a nursing home, some sort of service for at-home care or adult day care so you get regular breaks.”
“It’s not fair of anyone, including yourself, to exist only to take care of your parent.” ~ ahhh_ennui
“NTA!!! God, I wish I knew how to make that in big letters.”
“I am a private, very well-paid live-in caregiver.”
“I’m there 5 days a week and go to my own apartment 2 days, 48 hours.”
“On my 2 days off, I SLEEP!”
“I get home about 9:30 am, eat, and go to bed.”
“Get up around noon.”
“Take my next nap around 2 pm.”
“Sometimes I sleep until 7.”
“Go back to bed around 9-10 and sleep till morning.”
“Same thing next day.”
“My pay and perks are substantial, and without those 2 days off, I don’t think I could do it.”
“You need respite care.”
“This is such a draining job.”
“Without self-care, you won’t be able to sustain yourself.”
“I’m so sorry you aren’t getting the support you need. NTA!” ~ Readsumthing
“NTA. You sound absolutely exhausted, to be honest.”
“Have you considered respite or having carers in through the day just so you can get a break? “
“I know what it’s like to be ‘on duty’ all day and night and every day and never being able to switch off.”
“Your family needs to step up to give you some time off / not berate you.”
“Draw up a rota or better still get them too – you need a break desperately.” ~ Traditional_Onion461
“You definitely are NTA here.”
“Being a caregiver is one of the toughest jobs out there.”
“Maybe try to find something she can keep at her bedside that’s not an ice cream sundae that she can help herself to if she needs a snack in the night.” ~ not__personal
“NTA, is there any way you can get some assistance?”
“Looking after someone 24 hours a day is not feasible, and if you add dementia on top, it’s just too difficult.”
“I have so much empathy for you, if you had some help then it would benefit you and your mum, good luck, and stay strong.” ~ gia-walker
“You’re NTA.”
“This is what happens when you start to get burned out.”
“Tell your family you’re getting burned out and ask for help.”
“If there are others in the house, set up a day/night call schedule.”
“Look into respite and adult day care programs.”
“You can’t pull water from an empty well.”
“Bless you for taking this on.” ~ El-Em-Enn-Oh-Pee
Reddit is with you, OP.
Caretaker burnout is very real.
It’s time for your family to step up.
It’s not your Mom’s fault, and it’s not yours.
Stay strong, and good luck.