Life is full of tragedy and joy.
It's never easy, but everyone tries to learn how to take the good with the bad.
And not knowing how to process joy because of tragedy can be a harrowing situation.
Life does go on after sad events.
How everyone involved copes and lives can be tricky to navigate.
Redditor CherryOk1649 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITAH for what I said? My family won't let me share any good news because of my sister's disability?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 26 F[emale] have an older sister 32F who had a tragic accident three years ago that left her paralyzed from the waist down."
"It's been rough for everyone but especially for her of course."
"Our family rallied around her."
"We're Helping out as much as we can, and I've been there every step of the way because I love her so much."
"But since the accident, it feels like I don't deserve to have any good things happen to me or at least I'm not allowed to talk about them."
"Every time something positive happens in my life I get shut down by my family."
"When I got a promotion at work last year I was so happy and excited to tell them."
"I thought my family would be happy for me but when I tried to share the news, my mom pulled me aside and told me to not now because my sister had a tough day."
"I ended up keeping it to myself."
"8 months ago my boyfriend proposed."
"When I told them, my mom immediately changed the subject later telling me that my sister was feeling down about her own marriage struggles."
"It's like anything good in my life is an offense to my sister's situation."
"This happened a few days ago."
"I've been saving up for years to buy my first new car."
"I finally managed to do it and I was so excited."
"I thought my family would be happy for me."
"So I decided to tell them."
"As soon as the words were out of my mouth the room went dead silent."
"My mom whispered to me 'This isn't the time. Think about your sister.'"
"My sister looked so sad and I instantly felt like the worst person in the world."
"I just couldn't handle it anymore and I said 'Can't I share anything good in my life? I thought you'd all be happy for me.'"
"No one knew what to say and I left the house."
"I've never done that before."
"Now I'm filled with regret and confusion."
"I love my sister, and I never want to hurt her, but it feels like I'm not allowed to have anything good happen to me."
"It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time."
"I understand my sister's life has changed drastically, and I'm genuinely supportive and have always been there for her."
"But sometimes I just want to be able to share my own life too."
"I feel so guilty for even feeling this way like I'm being selfish or inconsiderate."
"Her husband and even my parents share things about their lives freely, and no one seems to mind."
"But as the younger sister I'm not allowed to share anything good in front of her so I don't hurt her feelings."
"I get it. I really do."
"I understand she's going through a lot and I don't want to add to her pain."
"But it feels like I'm not allowed to have any joy in my life around my family."
"Now I know I owe my sister an apology for how I reacted."
"I never want to make her feel sad, but I'm struggling with approaching my family."
"I don't feel like I should apologize to them."
"And honestly I don't think I'll be sharing anything with them in the future."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You have nothing to feel guilty for and owe nobody any apologies."
"Hopefully, if they have any sense of decency, what you said gave them something to think about."
"If so, long overdue but better late than never."
"If the fact they've collectively been acting like AHs didn't click, then it's time for you to move on and share more of your life with people who care about you." ~ CatteNappe
"NTA. And you owe nobody an apology for living and celebrating the good things in your life."
"INFO: Is it only your parents who don't want you sharing these things?"
"Or is it also your sister?"
"Is your sister even aware that your parents have asked you to silence yourself when good things happen?"
"'Hey, Mom and Dad always tell me not to let you know about anything good that happens to me, like my promotion at work, or when my BF proposed, or when I got a new car, because these things might upset you. I wanted to ask you directly, though. Are you ok hearing about good things that happen to me? Or do you find them upsetting?'"
"If your sister says she doesn't mind or wants to hear these things about your life, then you should just 100% ignore your parents when they tell you to remain silent."
"If your sister agrees with your parents and says she doesn't want to hear about your successes, then you should honor that request, but you should also start spending WAY less time with your family." ~ gordonf23
"I am wondering, based on the story, and on what OP has said in response to some of the comments, if she is even allowed to talk to her sister without her parents there."
"It would be good if she could have some alone time with her sister and they could have some real talk. NTA." ~ DrVL2
"Agree. NTA. It sounds like OP doesn't get to have a 1:1 relationship with her sister anymore."
"It also sounds like her sister isn't in a position where she can say anything that might upset their mom."
"OP - what level of care does your sister need?"
"Would you be able to take her to the movies or maybe the zoo?"
"Is she hooked up to a ventilator, or can she get out of the house?"
"If she's still got all her mental faculties, she's got to be bored out of her mind and thoroughly sick of seeing the same walls and faces every damned day."
"Right now, your mom is controlling everything."
"It isn't at all fair to your sister to miss out on even more of life than she already is."
"When I visit friends who have been bed-bound or chair-bound or have otherwise limited mobility, I keep them apprised of all the raunchiest gossip and, you know, treat them like the adults they are." ~ SaskiaDavies
"NTA at all."
"But I'm curious: how does your sister feel about all this?"
"Is she genuinely hurt whenever you share these positive things, or is your mom just being overprotective and jumping the gun?"
"Has there always been this kind of dynamic between you and your sister to a lesser extent before this?"
"It just seems incredibly weird that you're the only person in your family who's not allowed to share good news." ~ Far_Quantity_6133
OP responded...
"My sister never says anything."
"It's always my mom who jumps in to tell me off followed by reasons why."
"My sister did look sad when I told them about my new car but she didn't say anything."
"Whenever I try to discuss things with my sister, my parents tell me not to."
"Saying it might complicate things and I might end up hurting her feelings even more."
"Has there always been this kind of dynamic between you and your sister to a lesser extent before this?"
"She's always been the confident one."
"Saying whatever she wants whenever she feels like it."
"I've had to work on myself over the years to express myself better."
"But things have gotten worse since the accident."
"Now I can't say anything."
Reddit continued...
"NTA. You do not need to apologize to your sister."
"You did not say anything about her (unless you left her out)."
"You just finally voiced your frustration about never being able to share anything good." ~ Having-hope3594
"NTA. You don't need to apologize for this. Not to your sister, not to the rest of your family."
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"It sounds like your family is forming some bad patterns right now, and it might be a good idea to stop that before it sets fully."
"You say you and your family are spending a lot of time at your sister's place to help out."
"That's admirable, to some extent, but it's been three years."
"You don't need to all be there every day, especially if being there altogether gives your mom a chance to... well... pick on you."
"I'd spend less time with your family at your sister's house."
"Spend time with your sister, spend time with your family, but stop combining the two so much."
"And you can go ahead and shut your mom down if (when) she starts up again."
"'That's an odd way to say congratulations, Mom, wanna try again?'" ~ dryadduinath
"NTA- Your sister is married with children, but you can't announce your proposal?"
"Apologize to your sister if it makes you feel better, but you should also explain that your mother takes you aside every single time you announce something positive and tells you how it hurts your sister."
"It is entirely possible that your sister has no idea your mother is doing this."
"Your sister could be offended that your mother is treating her like a child." ~ lostalldoubt86
"Why do you think you owe your sister an apology?"
"You don't. It's sad that she is disabled but YOU are entitled to your life. NTA." ~ dropshortreaver
"Start loudly criticizing and shaming anyone who shares any good news around your sister."
"If it applies to you, it applies to all. NTA." ~ Traveling-Techie
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It may be a good idea to have a private talk with your sister.
Perhaps she can help speak with your parents.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp