When it comes to the miracle of childbirth, many parents-to-be have a birth plan – some maybe just an idea of what’s to happen and some pinpointed down to the last detail.
Regardless of how it actually transpires, though, parents usually know who they want – and who they definitely don’t want – in the delivery room.
The extent of each person’s contribution in the process, however, seems to be a little blurry for some.
A mom-to-be on Reddit is hurt that her husband, who is a doctor, would rather deliver their baby than hold her hand and comfort her during the delivery, so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Specific-Koala1721 asked:
“AITA for wanting my husband to hold my hand during birth?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35/f[emale]) am 7 months pregnant.”
“I am married to an Family Medicine Doctor (35/M[ale]) and we’ve been together 10 years.”
“Throw away reddit because my SIL follows me on reddit and reports everything to my husband.”
“I’m reaching out to all of you to ask your advice on a fight my husband and I are having on our birth plan.”
“My husband really wants to deliver the baby which I can kind of understand.”
“It’s not uncommon for doctors to deliver their own kid.”
“There is still an OBGYN there monitoring everything, and the doctor father steps in at the last minute as mom is crowning to just catch the baby.”
“My husband has I guess always dreamed of being the one to pull the baby out, while I pictured it very differently.”
“I thought he would be up by my head, holding my hand and helping me through it.”
“He says he will do that, but the easiest part is the very end where I won’t need him anyway.”
“He said if I really want someone there, his mom can step in.”
“I’ve been on my own since I was a kid living in my car, so I don’t have anyone I’d want in there with me except him.”
“I don’t really even want his mom in there.”
“She’s great, but he’s my person.”
“I know it would be ‘cool’ for him to deliver our baby, but I really feel like I need him there.”
“I personally didn’t want our doctors to know he was a doctor, because as soon as any of my doctors, or even our vet, finds out he’s a doctor they talk exclusively to him.”
“I don’t even want him to go the prenatal appointments anymore because no one talks to me.”
“They all talk to him, and I can’t ask my questions to anyone but my husband at home.”
“But he’s already told everyone he’ll be delivering his first baby.”
“I guess I don’t want this because I wanted him to be there as a husband and a father, and not a doctor.”
“I see him as a doctor 95% of the time, and I wanted to experience this with my husband and not my husband the doctor.”
“I wanted him to be there for me as this is my first birth, and I’m terrified.”
“He just keeps telling me I’ll be fine.”
“He pulled in friends/family who also don’t understand my POV.”
“They said this is his first child too, and to just let him have this since I had the honor of being pregnant.”
“I just really wanted him to hold my hand all the way through it, and be able to share this experience as parents and people instead of a medical professional.”
“I was hoping we could see the baby at the same time and just be equals in this.”
“Am I being selfish for wanting this to be my way?”
OP offered an update after talking to some of the couple’s mutual friends, and her findings were surprising, to say the least.
“UPDATE: I am going to confront him tonight when he gets home.”
“He’s already going to be upset because we both have restrictions on how much time we spend on social media sites and I have significantly surpassed that today and yesterday which he’ll know as soon as he reviews the router logs.”
“I’m hopeful I can catch him before that makes him too upset.”
“I did reach out to some of our mutual friends just to see what he has told them for why this is so important to him, only to learn he never discussed this with them.”
“I think he made up what he has been saying they said.”
“They were really shocked to learn we’ve been having this disagreement and were actually quite supportive of an expectant mother controlling her birth plan.”
“I’m quite nervous about his reaction to this as well and I’d like to get ahead of this.”
“Wish me luck and cross your fingers for me!”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on the situation, and many expressed their concern for OP’s situation, noting the issue over the birth plan should be the least of her worries.
“ROUTER LOGS !!! WTF?” – rekeils
“Your SIL ‘reports’ back to your husband?”
“Your husband reviews router history to monitor your internet usage??”
“Girl, I think you have bigger problems than your husband being an inconsiderate partner during your life-threatening medical event.”
“Your marriage smells abusive.”
“For what it’s worth, labor and delivery is 100000% about the person risking their life to bring a child into the world.”
“Your husband’s SOLE job during YOUR labor is to do exactly what you want him to do.” – mutherofdoggos
“Op, you don’t sound like you’re in a safe situation right now” – Pale_Wave_3379
“Is everyone just glossing over how OP has to post on a throwaway account because her SIL ‘reports’ back to her husband?”
“OP, are you in an abusive marriage?” – Thewhirlwindblitz
Others believe that since she is the one delivering the child, OP should have the final say no matter how much it upsets her husband.
“NTA I would arrange a meeting with your midwife and doctors without him present.”
“I would let them know that in no uncertain terms is your husband allowed to take over and be the doctor for your birth.”
“That he’s there only as your husband and that if he tries to ignore you and take over then they are to remove him from the room completely.”
“That you want this put clearly on your file.”
“You are their patient and you are sick of your doctors and nurses only talking only to your husband on YOUR appointments.”
“That you‘re their patient, and you should not have to ask your husband to tell you what your doctors told him about you and your pregnancy when you get home.”
“That it is you risking your life going through a traumatic life risking procedure and as such if any of them enable your husband to act as a doctor against your wishes that you will be taking legal action and make official complaints.”
“As you should have a say on who you give approval of and who you feel safe operating on your body.”
“That your husband is there as your husband only and if he can’t do that for one day then he is to be removed.”
“After that go to your husband and make it clear you married him the man not him the doctor.”
“If he can’t not be a doctor for one day or put your needs and wishes when going through something traumatic and life threatening.”
“Then he doesn’t get to be there at all.”
“That if he is not going to abide by you, the patient, and mother’s wishes, then you will not allow him in the delivery room at all.”
“Why should you when he’s clearly refusing to support you and be there as your husband.”
“That if he’s just going to be another doctor down the business end then you don’t need him there.”
“If and only if he promises to stay up at your head and hold your hand will you allow him but that you need to make it clear that if he thinks he can just take over when you can’t do anything to stop it.”
“Then you will have him removed and you nor your baby will return home with him as you will begin divorce proceedings.”
“That he thinking he can do this procedure on your body without your consent is assault, and you clearly don’t give your consent despite the fact he keeps dismissing this fact.”
“That if he clearly thinks he can assault you then will not be married to him.”
“If he can’t be a loving husband to his wife and not a doctor, only then theirs no marriage anyway.” – Sweet-Interview5620
“He can be in the room at your head, or he can’t be in the room.”
“His choice.”
“NTA. What you’re doing isn’t a privilege. It’s a difficult and dangerous part of life.”
“If men could do it, women would gladly sign them up.”
“He needs to get over his fantasy.” – RRK5953
OP later offered a “final” update, and it appeared that things had taken a dramatic turn.
She thanked people on the platform for their “overwhelming outpour of love and support” and continued:
“I can’t say a whole lot about these last few days.”
“So much has happened that I will be processing for years to come.”
“All I can say is I am safe, and I am free.”
“Read into that as you will.”
“My next steps are leaving this chapter of my life behind.”
“I’m moving out of this city and I’m going to try starting again somewhere new.”
“Somewhere beautiful where every time I look outside, it’s hard to believe it’s real life.”
“I’ve always felt drawn to the mountains with all of their beauty and might.”
OP finished her update by encouraging others in her situation to learn from her post.
“If you read my story, and you relate to it in anyway, or you too feel smothered, voiceless, and alone every single day locked in the house with someone who is supposed to love you, I just want you to know what I now know.”
“That isn’t normal.”
“That isn’t what life is supposed to be.”
“There are people you can rely on and strangers can be your best friend.”
“The cost may be steep, but the cost to stay is so much more.”
“Farm this post for all of the comments and support available. “
“I pass it on to you and beg you to use what resources you can find.”
While we hate that OP went through so much learning and change during an already overwhelming time in her life, we’re glad to know she is safe and happy.