Content Warning: Discussions of Cheating, Long-term Affair, Abortion
We’ve all heard that the people who are the strongest projectors are usually the most guilty.
And unfortunately, that concept can apply just as easily to our romantic partners as our friends, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor p1nkribbon was excited to finally be pregnant and hoped her husband would be excited, too.
But when he lashed out at her, accused her of cheating, and demanded she get a paternity test done, the Original Poster (OP) was both hurt and suspicious.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for saying I’m second-guessing having a baby with my husband after he asked for a paternity test?”
The OP was excited to find out she was pregnant.
“I (26 Female) and my husband, Alex (27 Male), have been married for a year.”
“Recently, I found out I was pregnant.”
“This was not planned, HOWEVER, ever since we got married, we have not been using protection every time we got intimate, and I’m currently not on any birth control.”
“My guess is that I’m only a few weeks along (I haven’t seen a doctor yet).”
The OP’s husband’s reaction was totally unexpected.
“I told Alex when he got back home from work yesterday. I personally was very happy about it because I’ve always wanted a mom.”
“I was pretty sure I was all smiles when I told him, and I thought he would be too once he found out the news. Let me add that he’s been neutral on having kids.”
“My assumption was wrong. Immediately, he got super upset and asked how in the h**l this could have happened.”
“I explained to him that while it was sudden, we hadn’t been using protection every time, so it wasn’t that surprising. I thought he would have understood.”
“For some reason, he didn’t. After a few minutes of back and forth, he demanded a paternity test and told me there was no way it was his.”
The OP was shocked by her husband’s demands.
“I was hurt and insulted. Let me be very clear that I did not, and will never, cheat on my husband. I have also never given him any reason for him to be suspicious about me cheating on him, either.”
“I was so taken aback that he doubted my loyalty enough to ask for a paternity test. I told him I couldn’t believe he was seriously asking me for that.”
“He said that I wasn’t helping my case and that if I had nothing to hide, then I would take the test and prove my loyalty to him.”
“I honestly can’t remember all that I said, but I ended up saying something along the lines of, ‘If you’re doubting me and my loyalty so much that you think I cheated on you and got pregnant with someone else’s baby, then I don’t think I want one with you anymore. I don’t want to be tied to someone who clearly doesn’t trust me.'”
“He blew up at me and accused me of cheating once again. It was a big argument, and he said I was being s**tty, dismissing his concerns, and saying that asking for a paternity test was valid.”
“In the end, !!‼️!! I AGREED TO THE TEST !!‼️!! but said that I stood by my words.”
“We haven’t spoken since the argument and he’s currently at work.”
The OP’s friend sided with the OP’s husband.
“I went to my friend for advice, and she said that while he was out of line for accusing me of cheating, I shouldn’t have said that to him over one of his ‘valid’ concerns. She said that he clearly had a reason to feel that way about the situation.”
“I cannot fathom what made him feel like I was cheating on him. I was just so hurt that he would insult me like that and accuse me of doing something so disgusting when I thought we were supposed to have trust in each other.”
“But AITAH for saying what I did?”
After the initial feedback came in, the OP added two clarifications to her post.
“A lot of people are suggesting he got a secret vasectomy that failed, and that did cross my mind! During the argument, I did ask if he got a vasectomy or was infertile, and that’s why the baby couldn’t be his, but he dismissed that and continued saying, ‘It just couldn’t be mine,’ without providing me a solid reason.”
“I don’t know what do to. If he really did have one, then I’d just prefer for him to TELL ME so that we can work it out, but he won’t.”
“If he did have a vasectomy behind my back, then I would probably divorce him regardless if he could reverse it or not. There’s no guarantee he’d be able to anyway, is there?”
“And also because getting a secret vasectomy is such a s**tty thing to do; my trust would be broken.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were worried the OP’s husband had gotten a sneaky vasectomy and was panicking.
“Honestly, reading this, I’m going back and forth with a few possibilities, but I keep coming back to secret vasectomy.”
“The fact that she said not having kids was a deal breaker and he was neutral and ‘if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, that’s okay, too,’ makes me think he got a vasectomy, expecting kids to never happen, they could have lots of unprotected sex, and she’d get over not having kids.”
“He could keep the girl and avoid having kids. It was a ‘sure thing’ until it wasn’t, and now he’s losing his s**t.” – articulatedumpster
“My first thought was he secretly changed his stance on kids and/or he’s the one cheating. Maybe he never wanted kids in the first place so a secret vasectomy would make sense.”
“OP said he denied it, but I think the chances are still 50/50.”
“His reaction screams ‘I’m hiding something’ or ‘I don’t want this baby.'” – Living_error404
“When it comes to pregnancy, not preventing is the same thing as actively trying.”
“Far too many people (including OP’s husband here), are completely baffled by this. My theory is that a large chunk of humans evolved to have brains like this just to make sure the species goes on.” – battleofflowers
“I bet he has had a vasectomy he never told her about. And he hasn’t done the recommended yearly sperm check. Same with an injury or illness. Or he is just ignorant about how conception works.”
“He just seems awfully sure that it can’t be his child for someone who’s been having unprotected sex. It’s either denial, or he’s been lying about something really important.” – MarsupialMisanthrope
“Vasectomies are not 100% foolproof, and people do and have gotten pregnant even after their one partner has gotten a vasectomy.”
“If he did secretly get a vasectomy (like, why secretly? His body, his choice 100%, but if he’s in a trusting relationship, then why would he feel the need to do that behind her back?), then a healthy response to her announcement would be to think, ‘Oh, I guess the vasectomy didn’t prevent the pregnancy after all,’ not, ‘SHE CHEATED!'” – bunnyfuuz
The OP also clarified her husband’s ‘neutrality’ about having kids.
“I feel I should elaborate on the ‘neutral about kids” part. I told him while we were still just dating that no kids would be a deal breaker for me.”
“He said that was fine because his stance on it was that if we ever had kids, it was fine. If something happened and we didn’t, it was fine. I’m calling that neutral since I don’t know what else to call it.”
“So when I told him I was pregnant, I thought he would be fine with it like he said. But apparently, he just changed his mind about that and didn’t tell me!”
“And also, I have no issues with men wanting paternity tests; I just had an issue with him blatantly accusing me of being a cheater with no solid proof to back it up.”
Others were sure the OP’s husband was cheating and projecting his behavior onto his wife.
“I mean, does he need the f**king birds-and-bees talk? I suspect he’s projecting suspicion of you because he has cheated and thinks surely you will have, too.”
“NTA.”
“I’d get the test and probably separate when it comes back as his.” – YouSayWhotNow
“I wonder if he cheated with the friend who thinks his reaction is ‘justified’?”
“No girlfriend, even when trying to SLIGHTLY play devils advocate would say his response was justified. Especially if they have unprotected sex. I mean, hello 6th grade health/sex ed class.” – Miz_Skittle
“He jumped to cheating so fast; it made me super suspicious that he’s been getting a little on the side. I say to her get the test, show him it’s his, and then divorce his a**.”
“Post the results and the reason for the divorce all over social media so people know what an a**hole he is.” – Mistyam
“I’m not saying he’s definitely cheating, but people who cheat are pretty likely to project onto their partners and accuse them of cheating, out of guilt or whatever.”
“You don’t want a baby with someone who doesn’t believe he could be the father even after having unprotected sex and no reason to assume you’re cheating. And unless you two get some significant couples therapy, why would you stay with someone who believes you’re cheating on him?” – helpful-treefrog
“It’s always projection with these guys. It’s time to check his phone.”
“NTA. You guys had unprotected sex, so is he stupid? But yeah, abort, divorce, and move out.” – cthulularoo
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“Thank you for everyone’s kind words and advice. It was all super helpful, including criticism, because it really made me reflect on my behavior and how I handled the situation. On top of that, I’m so sorry that I didn’t really respond to any comments. There were a lot just coming in non-stop and it was a little overwhelming…”
“Moving on. After I made that post and he came home from work, I cooked him his favorite dinner and let him relax a bit before I calmly approached the subject again.”
“I told him that I was happy to do the paternity test, just that I was a little hurt that he would accuse me of cheating on him, because I loved him a lot and would hate to make him feel that way. I also apologized for what I said.”
“I asked him if he was just overwhelmed/scared by the news, and that’s why he accused me like he did.”
“He said that wasn’t it, and that was genuinely his biggest concern. He then told me he wasn’t willing to talk to me, say anything else, or negotiate about anything until after we got the test done.”
“I asked if he was sure, and he practically yelled at me, telling me to drop the subject for now. So I did. And so things have been super tense.”
The OP decided to do some investigating.
“I’d been scrolling through comment after comment for what felt like forever. A lot of you said he was cheating.”
“I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to him being told he was infertile or something, but I ended up getting a really bad sinking feeling in my gut that I should check his phone.”
“I never wanted to be the type of person that goes through their partner’s phone obsessively for no reason, but my gut has never really steered me wrong, so I did it last night while he was sleeping.”
“I snuck his phone off his nightstand and went out to the living room.”
The OP didn’t like what she found.
“He’s cheating on me. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it is, indeed, with my friend I mentioned in the last post. Like a lot of you said.”
“I guess it does make sense now that I think about it but I’m still really shocked. (I’d never been suspicious of their relationship before) But after reading the comments, I realize her reaction was a red flag.”
“I went through their texts, and from what I can tell, it’s only been going on for a few months and started after we got married. But really, I only focused on the texts from right after I told him I was pregnant.”
“He texted her saying things like: ‘I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to f**k her without a condom.'”
“And ‘She says it’s mine OF COURSE, but I swear to god, it better not be. I’ll be happy if it isn’t.'”
“And ‘Obviously I don’t want a kid with her. I’d rather be with you than be stuck with her’ (you in this context being my friend).”
“And ‘I know I should’ve been careful.'”
“And ‘I don’t care if she thinks I’m a d**k or an awful husband right now’ (This was his reply when my friend told him that I came to her about the situation).”
“So yeah. Those were just a few messages, but their conversations were hard to read and I ended up crying a lot.”
“I screenshotted the messages, sent them to myself from his phone, deleted the texts on his phone so it looked like he’d never sent anything, and then deleted the screenshots (and deleted them from the recently deleted folder) I also went on his laptop to check if they were deleted there too.”
It was clear from that point on that everything the OP’s husband had done was intentional.
“From his texts, I gathered that he did not have a secret vasectomy that failed, nor does he think he is sterile since he said himself that he should have been more careful, and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I don’t think he’d be saying that if he thought he was infertile.”
“I also want to say that, yes, he knows I’m not currently on birth control. And he was the one who decided not to use a condom, not me. I just agreed. I did not pressure him. At first, he was pulling out, but occasionally, he wouldn’t.”
“I don’t know why he would continue not wearing a condom occasionally after the affair started. I’m guessing it was because telling me he no longer wanted to go without protection every time no matter what would make me suspicious?”
The OP decided to start sorting out her personal affairs.
“But that’s basically it for now. I am not going to confront him about cheating right away. I am going to get the test, then confront him, and tell him I want a divorce along with the test results.”
“I mean, that’s currently my plan, but my mind is also all over the place, so maybe that’s not the best way to do this? I don’t know. It’s like 6:00 AM, I feel like sh*t, and I haven’t gotten any sleep.”
“I almost forgot to mention that I am going to get an STD test just to be safe.”
“I think I am going to get an abortion just because I don’t want my first full-term pregnancy to be literal h**l when it should be a happy experience. But thank you to everybody congratulating me. It means a lot.”
“The next update will probably be after the paternity test… or whenever I feel like I need to update.”
Redditors encouraged the OP to get out as fast as she possibly could.
“She should not confront her husband at all. Instead, she should get tested for STDs and contact a lawyer to work on her exit plan. After that, she should serve her husband with divorce papers.”
“Her husband is likely already spending money on his affair partner, so it’s crucial for her to separate their finances and protect her assets before serving him with the divorce papers.”
“After serving him, she should contact their close ones and explain why she is divorcing him so that neither he nor her ‘friend’ can control the narrative and play the victim.”
“OP, you are the one who must decide if you truly want to keep the baby. If you go that route, your child might end up with your ‘friend’ as their stepmother. Your husband will likely continue bringing other women into your child’s life. He and his family might even try to turn your child against you.”
“Your husband might also ask for shared custody and have a completely different parenting style than yours. By having that child, you’ll invite a lot of drama into both your and the child’s life, and you won’t be able to start fresh without your trashy husband remaining in your life.” – HilMickaelson
“Don’t force yourself to stay in a toxic place while waiting. Leave while he’s at work. Gather all your things and be out by the time he gets home. A friend’s place, parents’, relatives; whoever, doesn’t matter.”
“I would put both the paternity test results and the divorce papers in an envelope for him. If he needs to be served the papers then do that. Keep his number unblocked, but do not engage with any calls or messages. Save all of them and take screenshots of them for your records.”
“Same with his mistress.” – Frozefoots
“What a homewrecker and slimeball these two are. They deserve each other.”
“Women who do this to each other deserve to be called what they are and shunned. And he’s no better than his affair partner (AP).”
“OP needs to print copies of the texts and paternity test results, and send them to AP’s family, advising them they were no longer friends and why, and the husband’s family, advising them she has had an abortion because she didn’t want to be tied to their cheating AH of a son for the rest of her life (or tell them that she lost the baby because of the stress of the discovery to protect herself).”
“Drop a bomb in the middle of their lives and quietly exit stage right. NTA.” – Lazy-Instruction-600
“Here’s everything you need to do, OP.”
“1. Get the tests done, including an STD test.”
“2. Get an abortion.”
“3. Get a lawyer.”
“4. If house/apartment is rented, remove name from lease.”
“5. Remove all important documents and store somewhere safe.”
“6. When the test is done and the divorce paperwork is ready, move out and leave the paternity test, divorce papers, printouts of the cheating text messages, and keys. I’d mail copies of all of that paperwork to your ex-friend’s family and also to your in-laws, so they know who they’re related to.”
“7. Block both ex-husband and ex-friend, everywhere.”
“The list is not necessarily in order. Wrote as things came to me. Five absolutely should be one.” – Creepy_Addict
“It doesn’t sound like he cares if she gets a divorce. In fact, that’s probably what he wants. I normally wouldn’t say this, but they’ll probably get together then you’d have to share custody and ‘your friend’ would be the step-mommy to your child. I sure as h**l wouldn’t be ok with that!”
“I’m so sorry this is the way it played out for you. It’s better for you to find this out now than after a child is involved. Good luck to you, keep us updated, and find your peace.” – OkieLady1952
“I’m going to second everything above because people have been murdered by their spouses in this situation. Husbands are the leading cause of death for pregnant women.”
“Not childbirth, not medical complications. Husbands.”
“He doesn’t care about you and is mad you exist. Don’t risk your life. Closure is not worth your well-being. Do not treat him like the man you thought you married.” – Grimwohl
While the subReddit had been suspicious all along of the OP’s husband’s reaction to her pregnancy, they were appalled at how he had treated her and what secrets he was actually hiding.
If the OP chose to update the subReddit again, hopefully, they would find her happy, healthy, safe, and far away from these two terrible people.