The decision whether to have or not have children is no easy one.
If one decides to be a parent, how the child is raised adds yet another strenuous mental task to the decision list.
If two parties are involved in child-rearing, the parents-to-be must come to an agreement.
Unless, of course, one person just decides on their own without considering the other person's feelings.
That's the case, at least, with a woman on Reddit who just finished eight years of school to land her dream job as a dentist only to be scorned for not wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Dentist206 shared:
"I just finished Dental School, now my husband wants me to be a stay at home mom."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I just finished Dental School, now my husband wants me to be a stay at home mom."
"I (26/f[emale]) just finished dental school."
"I spent 8 years of my life working my a** off to do the job of my dreams."
"My husband (28/m[ale]) and I have been married 5 years, but have been together since we were 17 and 19."
"We've talked about children many times, and what childcare would look like with them."
"We BOTH agreed on daycare once they were 2 and private school once they reach school age."
"I've expressed that though I think stay-at-home moms are literal superheroes, it's not something that I'm interested in."
"I'm a very career-driven woman, and the thought of taking care of 4 (yes, we want 4) kids all day every day with literally no break and not being financially independent does not sound appealing to me."
"I told him he was welcome to be a stay-at-home dad if he wanted someone to stay at home with our children, and the conversation ended there."
"This was YEARS ago."
"I thought we were on the same page, and I made my wishes clear."
"Well, I graduated Dental School about a year ago now, and I work at my dream office."
"I genuinely couldn't be happier to be doing what I've dreamed of since I was a little girl, and something I've spent blood (literally, I've been stabbed with so many needles it's crazy), sweat, and tears achieving."
"My husband and I are finally in a place where we want to start trying for our first baby."
"We're both so ready to be parents."
"The topic of childcare came back up again when my husband said, 'Are you gonna be okay quitting your job though?'"
"Thinking he was talking about maternity leave and was just confused, I said, 'No babe, you don't quit your job for that. You just take leave for a few months.'"
"He looked at me like I was stupid and said, 'no, I'm talking about you staying at home with the kids.'"
"I was FLABBERGASTED."
"I couldn't help but laugh, which I think set him off."
"He said, 'Our kids need a present mom, Alyssa.'"
"I corrected him and told him that a working mom does not mean that she's not a present one, and that I will not be staying at home with our kids."
"I said I didn't go through 8 years of school to just never use my degree."
"Besides, it doesn't even make sense for ME to quit my job when I made over double his salary."
"Now he's saying I'm an a**hole and a bad wife and mom if I don't quit my job when we have a baby to be fully present with them."
"I didn't think I was, but now I'm not sure."
"I grew up with a stay-at-home mom, and I loved it, so I don't really have any grounds to talk about what it's like having a working mom. "
"I still don't think working as a mom will make me a bad one or a bad wife."
"Honestly I can't help but think it's because now that I'm out of school, I make so much more than him and it may have caused an insecurity?"
"Idk. I just need advice guys."
Redditors weighed in and offered OP their advice, mostly of which were warnings against having children with her husband.
"While you figure out if you want kids with him please make sure you're on good birth control!"
"Don't get trapped!" - Other_Unit1732
"Don't have kids with this man." - Clean_Factor9673
"NTA"
"You need to stop having sex with him. Immediately."
"Your marriage is over." - DrTeethPhD
"Do not have kids with this man!" - Background_Kiwi2961
"Don't have a baby with this man, and seriously reconsider your relationship" - Alwaysorange1234
"Do not have children with this sexist moron. NTA" - Obi-Juan_Valdez
"Don't have kids with this man."
"His words mean nothing as he changes his mind."
"He doesn't respect you and doesn't care what you want. It's all about him."
"I'm afraid you married the wrong man." - MajorAd2679
"Do not reproduce with this person."
"It's so much harder to walk away from someone you've outgrown when kids are involved." - ohemgee112
Several begged her not to throw away her education and dream job to appease her husband.
"Do not, do not give up on your career for an insecure and selfish husband."
"Throw the option again of him being the at home parent, since anyway you earning financially is more beneficial for your house hold."
"If he insists you throw away your studies of sweat and blood and your financial independence, you have a hard decision to make."
"By the way, at-home moms and working moms all make great moms."
"You can show other women doctors and career women who are able to pull off both."
"Please do not quit your job, your identity for anyone else." - SaiDeepam
"You'd be doing yourself, your education, and any children you do have a disservice if you quit work to stay at home."
"Does he actually earn enough to cover all costs involved in running a home, paying down any debt, or any upgrades to cars because, with 4 kids, you're going to need a decent sized car." - pigandpom
"NTA."
"Do not concede to your husband on this. You'll regret this because you'll lose your ability to ever be a dentist if you stay out too long." - Dense_Island_5120
They also agreed that OP is not the a**hole (NTA) in the situation, with many noting that it was unfair of OP's husband to put the full load of raising children on her.
"I will be ready to start trying for a baby when you are ready to stop being one"
"NTA" - Rye_One_
"Oh hell no."
"The only reason he really wants you to quit your job is because he feels threatened by the fact that you earn more than he does."
"Tell him this is 2024, not the fifties and that women can have a career and take care of their children as well as the household."
"It's called a partnership when both spouses contribute to the household, not just one." - Sleepwalker2177
"NTA, you made it very clear that you didn't want to be a SAHM, and he can't just ignore that and try to get you to do what he wants."
"An unfortunate, maybe not-so-secret secret is that lots of men want to be 'fun dad' and be there for the fun, cute parts of parenthood, but then have the freedom to work outside the home and use that as an excuse to get out of the hard parts of childcare and household management."
"I mean, do you want to be the 'mom' who takes care of everything 24/7, or the 'dad' who can leave the house whenever, 'relax' solo when he gets home, and get hot meals, a clean house, and minimal fussy kid time?"
"You and your husband have to have a serious, in-depth talk about this and what YOU want, not just dropping the subject of him being a SAHD when he makes a face or scoffs."
"Trust your gut and don't let him trap you in a SAHM role in compromise or increments."
"You love your job, make way more money, and have made your position and childcare plans clear."
"He should stay at home with the kids until they can be ready for daycare."
"If he's resistant, you will need to rethink kids with him." - GreendaleSuperSenior
"Has he explained why he changed his mind on this very crucial topic and why he's waited until you've finished your degree and working – to mention it?"
"Had he expressed why HE can't stay home, since you make more than him?"
"This is counseling or divorce territory."
"I hate dudes who are all 'I want an independent woman with her own career' but then jump at the opportunity to try and stiffle her achievements."
"My guess – he's jealous that your career trajectory (and earnings) have outstripped his, and this is his attempt to put you back in your 1950's place." - didthefabrictear
It sounds like OP still has some tough conversations ahead of her.
Hopefully her fellow Redditors helped her realized she was not being unreasonable in her stance against being a stay-at-home mom.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp