The decision whether to have or not have children is no easy one.
If one decides to be a parent, how the child is raised adds yet another strenuous mental task to the decision list.
If two parties are involved in child-rearing, the parents-to-be must come to an agreement.
Unless, of course, one person just decides on their own without considering the other person’s feelings.
That’s the case, at least, with a woman on Reddit who just finished eight years of school to land her dream job as a dentist only to be scorned for not wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Dentist206 shared:
“I just finished Dental School, now my husband wants me to be a stay at home mom.”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I just finished Dental School, now my husband wants me to be a stay at home mom.”
“I (26/f[emale]) just finished dental school.”
“I spent 8 years of my life working my a** off to do the job of my dreams.”
“My husband (28/m[ale]) and I have been married 5 years, but have been together since we were 17 and 19.”
“We’ve talked about children many times, and what childcare would look like with them.”
“We BOTH agreed on daycare once they were 2 and private school once they reach school age.”
“I’ve expressed that though I think stay-at-home moms are literal superheroes, it’s not something that I’m interested in.”
“I’m a very career-driven woman, and the thought of taking care of 4 (yes, we want 4) kids all day every day with literally no break and not being financially independent does not sound appealing to me.”
“I told him he was welcome to be a stay-at-home dad if he wanted someone to stay at home with our children, and the conversation ended there.”
“This was YEARS ago.”
“I thought we were on the same page, and I made my wishes clear.”
“Well, I graduated Dental School about a year ago now, and I work at my dream office.”
“I genuinely couldn’t be happier to be doing what I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl, and something I’ve spent blood (literally, I’ve been stabbed with so many needles it’s crazy), sweat, and tears achieving.”
“My husband and I are finally in a place where we want to start trying for our first baby.”
“We’re both so ready to be parents.”
“The topic of childcare came back up again when my husband said, ‘Are you gonna be okay quitting your job though?'”
“Thinking he was talking about maternity leave and was just confused, I said, ‘No babe, you don’t quit your job for that. You just take leave for a few months.'”
“He looked at me like I was stupid and said, ‘no, I’m talking about you staying at home with the kids.'”
“I was FLABBERGASTED.”
“I couldn’t help but laugh, which I think set him off.”
“He said, ‘Our kids need a present mom, Alyssa.'”
“I corrected him and told him that a working mom does not mean that she’s not a present one, and that I will not be staying at home with our kids.”
“I said I didn’t go through 8 years of school to just never use my degree.”
“Besides, it doesn’t even make sense for ME to quit my job when I made over double his salary.”
“Now he’s saying I’m an a**hole and a bad wife and mom if I don’t quit my job when we have a baby to be fully present with them.”
“I didn’t think I was, but now I’m not sure.”
“I grew up with a stay-at-home mom, and I loved it, so I don’t really have any grounds to talk about what it’s like having a working mom. “
“I still don’t think working as a mom will make me a bad one or a bad wife.”
“Honestly I can’t help but think it’s because now that I’m out of school, I make so much more than him and it may have caused an insecurity?”
“Idk. I just need advice guys.”
Redditors weighed in and offered OP their advice, mostly of which were warnings against having children with her husband.
“While you figure out if you want kids with him please make sure you’re on good birth control!”
“Don’t get trapped!” – Other_Unit1732
“Don’t have kids with this man.” – Clean_Factor9673
“NTA”
“You need to stop having sex with him. Immediately.”
“Your marriage is over.” – DrTeethPhD
“Do not have kids with this man!” – Background_Kiwi2961
“Don’t have a baby with this man, and seriously reconsider your relationship” – Alwaysorange1234
“Do not have children with this sexist moron. NTA” – Obi-Juan_Valdez
“Don’t have kids with this man.”
“His words mean nothing as he changes his mind.”
“He doesn’t respect you and doesn’t care what you want. It’s all about him.”
“I’m afraid you married the wrong man.” – MajorAd2679
“Do not reproduce with this person.”
“It’s so much harder to walk away from someone you’ve outgrown when kids are involved.” – ohemgee112
Several begged her not to throw away her education and dream job to appease her husband.
“Do not, do not give up on your career for an insecure and selfish husband.”
“Throw the option again of him being the at home parent, since anyway you earning financially is more beneficial for your house hold.”
“If he insists you throw away your studies of sweat and blood and your financial independence, you have a hard decision to make.”
“By the way, at-home moms and working moms all make great moms.”
“You can show other women doctors and career women who are able to pull off both.”
“Please do not quit your job, your identity for anyone else.” – SaiDeepam
“You’d be doing yourself, your education, and any children you do have a disservice if you quit work to stay at home.”
“Does he actually earn enough to cover all costs involved in running a home, paying down any debt, or any upgrades to cars because, with 4 kids, you’re going to need a decent sized car.” – pigandpom
“NTA.”
“Do not concede to your husband on this. You’ll regret this because you’ll lose your ability to ever be a dentist if you stay out too long.” – Dense_Island_5120
They also agreed that OP is not the a**hole (NTA) in the situation, with many noting that it was unfair of OP’s husband to put the full load of raising children on her.
“I will be ready to start trying for a baby when you are ready to stop being one”
“NTA” – Rye_One_
“Oh hell no.”
“The only reason he really wants you to quit your job is because he feels threatened by the fact that you earn more than he does.”
“Tell him this is 2024, not the fifties and that women can have a career and take care of their children as well as the household.”
“It’s called a partnership when both spouses contribute to the household, not just one.” – Sleepwalker2177
“NTA, you made it very clear that you didn’t want to be a SAHM, and he can’t just ignore that and try to get you to do what he wants.”
“An unfortunate, maybe not-so-secret secret is that lots of men want to be ‘fun dad’ and be there for the fun, cute parts of parenthood, but then have the freedom to work outside the home and use that as an excuse to get out of the hard parts of childcare and household management.”
“I mean, do you want to be the ‘mom’ who takes care of everything 24/7, or the ‘dad’ who can leave the house whenever, ‘relax’ solo when he gets home, and get hot meals, a clean house, and minimal fussy kid time?”
“You and your husband have to have a serious, in-depth talk about this and what YOU want, not just dropping the subject of him being a SAHD when he makes a face or scoffs.”
“Trust your gut and don’t let him trap you in a SAHM role in compromise or increments.”
“You love your job, make way more money, and have made your position and childcare plans clear.”
“He should stay at home with the kids until they can be ready for daycare.”
“If he’s resistant, you will need to rethink kids with him.” – GreendaleSuperSenior
“Has he explained why he changed his mind on this very crucial topic and why he’s waited until you’ve finished your degree and working – to mention it?”
“Had he expressed why HE can’t stay home, since you make more than him?”
“This is counseling or divorce territory.”
“I hate dudes who are all ‘I want an independent woman with her own career’ but then jump at the opportunity to try and stiffle her achievements.”
“My guess – he’s jealous that your career trajectory (and earnings) have outstripped his, and this is his attempt to put you back in your 1950’s place.” – didthefabrictear
It sounds like OP still has some tough conversations ahead of her.
Hopefully her fellow Redditors helped her realized she was not being unreasonable in her stance against being a stay-at-home mom.