Pregnancy is a joyous time but also a stressful time for expectant parents.
It can also throw everything off course.
And besides gathering everything necessary, like a crib and diapers, there is the health of the pregnancy to consider.
It’s not always an easy experience.
So some mothers may feel they need a lot more support than others.
Redditor Many-Yogurt2479 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for going on a holiday while my wife is pregnant?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Me and a group of three friends are all SCUBA divers, and have wanted to do a three-week Mediterranean tour for a few years.”
“Last year we made plans to travel to the Mediterranean in September 2023 and go diving, but my wife was having a stressful time at work with job interviews at the time, and asked for us to postpone it to this year so I could be around to support her.”
“I said that I would, but that since we were planning to try for a baby this year (2024), I would prefer if we waited after the trip to go off contraception so that (1) my wife could come on the trip and/or (2) I wouldn’t have to miss out AGAIN to stay home and support her.”
“My wife said that she didn’t want to come on the trip anyway and that she wouldn’t mind if I went even if she was pregnant so long as I wouldn’t miss the birth.”
“I agreed to this, and me and my friends booked the trip for September 2024 and my wife went off contraception in May so that even if she did become pregnant, the due date wouldn’t be until after the trip.”
“Surprisingly, she fell pregnant quickly.”
“She has tested positive, and some calculations regarding the likely date of conception show that she is ALREADY approximately 4 weeks pregnant, which means that she will be approximately 3 months pregnant when we go on the trip.”
“She is now asking me to cancel so I can be home to support her.”
“However, I think that’s unfair since I initially said we shouldn’t try for a baby until after the trip and it was her idea to start trying to conceive prior to the trip.”
“It’s just 3 weeks away and I’m sure she will be fine.”
“She said that the situation has changed since she is now pregnant and it would be unfair of me to hold her to her word and it would be unfair of me to go away on a holiday and leave her behind.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You’re NTA.”
“You need to set boundaries in the relationship especially before the kid is born.”
“Because if she’s been incredibly needy as a non-pregnant healthy childless young woman, just wait until she’s 7-9 months pregnant and a new mother, when she actually has a great excuse to be needy.” ~ Meldivian
“OP, you’re NTA.”
“But these dynamics need to be addressed fast.”
“The two of you are expecting a child, and by the sound of it, she’s going to demand more and more of you until there’s nothing left and you’re a shell of who you once were.”
“Boundaries and expectations need to be hammered out before she gives birth, and everything needs to be documented so that she can’t try to duck out and claim she never agreed to X, Y, or Z.”
“If she refuses to do this, you may want to consider how you can best co-parent with her.”
“You deserve a better marriage than this.” ~ Fishy_Fishy5748
“NTA- have her stay with her parents and enjoy your trip.”
“You guys discussed all of this beforehand she has to stick to her word.” ~ FunnyEfficient1108
“She needs to start therapy ASAP before she f@cks up your child too with these demands OP.”
“It will affect the child if she doesn’t get a grip on it.”
“NTA… go on your trip and tell her to start searching for a therapist.” ~ Organic_Start_420
“NTA… I say this as I am 6 weeks out from giving birth to my second child.”
“As much as you make sacrifices in your relationship she also needs to make sacrifices marriages are about give and take.”
“She already said prior to getting pregnant that it would be fine to go away on your trip.”
“She had friends and family close by that could be there for her.”
“But if this is your first child there really no reason for you to not be able to go on your trip.”
“You can’t keep canceling things that would make you happy solely for the sake of her happiness you deserve to have support in your life as well.” ~ Apprehensive-Poet-38
“These things are not mutually exclusive.”
“She may not be ‘controlling/manipulative’ in a power-hungry type way, but the neediness can be a form of manipulation of its own.”
“Even if her reason for behaving that way is insecurity, she is still manipulating you into doing what she wants.”
“It definitely sounds like a larger problem that would benefit from some major discussion, possibly with a couple’s therapist.”
“Definitely NTA though, and I hope all works out well for you.” ~ milo_mb
“It really depends on the pregnancy.”
“I had horrible H[yperemesis] G[ravidarumthe] first 20 weeks I was pregnant which started when I was 6 weeks.”
“Debilitating constant nausea, waking up to vomit at midnight, lost 10 lbs in two weeks, etc.”
“I wouldn’t have made it through without my husband because I couldn’t even prepare my own food.”
“However, I felt totally fine at just 4 weeks pregnant and wouldn’t have been able to foresee that happening.”
“By 6 weeks, I was very sick though.”
“I think OP is NTA but should be understanding that things can pop up in a pregnancy even early on that can require you to make changes in your daily life.” ~ CoralSunset7225
“NTA… she said what she said and that’s fair to uphold it.”
“However, I will say this, no woman can ever judge just how vulnerable you feel when pregnant until you’re pregnant.”
“While I agree she should stick to her word, she gave you that word totally not knowing how she’d feel during this time.”
“It really knocks you for six, I was super surprised at how needy and vulnerable I felt when I’ve never been like that before! I needed my husband.”
“I hope that helps explain things a little. 🙂 “ ~ heather20202024
“NTA and I think it’s ridiculous that she’s asking you to cancel again after last year’s cancellation and the agreement you made this year.”
“Seems like she just doesn’t want you to go period.”
“Hope you end up going as it sounds like this might be the only scuba trip you’ll be going on for the foreseeable future.” ~ Outside_Guidance4752
“Woman here. Don’t say stuff like this, please.”
“Your single experience doesn’t define everyone’s.”
“I was so ill during my first trimester for both babies that I was basically bedridden.”
“Some women have it even worse and need to be hospitalized.”
“And then of course there are many other issues that can happen.”
“While I agree OP is NTA in this situation I do not think it’s appropriate for you to invalidate other women’s experiences.”
“Pregnancy can definitely be a disability.” ~ Terrible-Judge3199
“NTA. Three months pregnant… she can still go on the trip.” ~ Friendly-Quiet387
“So disclaimer before I make my point: OP is NTA and should be allowed to go on this trip that they previously agreed to, this is still true even when my point is considered.”
“The point: At three months pregnant (the end of the first trimester) most women I know, myself included, would NOT be interested in going on a whole international trip.”
“At that point, you’re usually dealing with nausea, vomiting, extreme fatigue plus that’s not entirely out of the period where you’re most likely to have a miscarriage.”
“I can see why OP’s wife would like some extra support during this time, but she agreed to this ahead of time and now she’s going to have to follow through.”
“Besides, OP said her parents live nearby and they’d be glad for her to stay with them while he’s gone, so they can help and support her for a few weeks.” ~ sapc2
“NTA… what exactly does she need support with at 3 months pregnant??”
“Many women are working full time at this point.”
“My husband was working 4 weeks on 4 weeks off during all 3 of my pregnancies and I didn’t need him to stay home for ‘support.'”
“If she can’t handle just being pregnant by herself without any other kids to deal with, how on earth is she going to manage being a mother?”
“Sounds like she needs to put her big girl pants on and soon.” ~ Sweet_Justice_
“NTA… you’re wife sounds manipulative and wants to see how much you will put up with.”
“As long as she’s healthy and the fetus is healthy she’ll be ok without you for a few weeks.”
“Just make sure to be extra attentive and extra helpful when you get back.” ~ ClassroomKey6694
“I’m going NTA.”
“It was agreed that even if she was pregnant, as long as you didn’t miss the birth then it was okay.”
“I will say, I’m a man, and don’t know much about pregnancy, but I feel like her being as early on as she is, she wouldn’t need your support the same way she would at like 7 months.”
“Could be way wrong about that though.” ~ nointroductionssosa
“NTA. If you can’t go when she is 3 months pregnant you can’t go when there’s a young child.”
“You’ve put this off a number of times.”
“No more in my opinion.” ~ naraic-
“You, sir, are never going on another vacation without your wife again. Ever. It’s over.”
“It was over the year before last year.”
“Your support will be needed forever, without notice or alternatives. NTA.” ~ frope_a_nope
“NTA. Asking you to postpone whilst she has job interviews is pathetic.”
“It does sound like others have said that, she doesn’t actually want you to go on the trip which seems shi**y given how much you’ve sacrificed so far.”
“Go on the trip and set a precedent.” ~ Performance_Lanky
“NTA. You guys talked about the ground rules for going on the trip beforehand.”
“You said you wanted to wait and she said she didn’t care.” ~ Superb_Raisin_2548
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
If you don’t go now, you’ll never go.
She made a deal with you.
It may be time for some couple’s counseling.
Good luck and congratulations!