Content Warning: Cheating, Affair, Hypnotism, Coercion, BDSM, Domination, Consent
Everyone has different interests and relationships with adventure, and that can also be communicated in a person’s dating style and expectations.
But two people have to agree about what kind of relationship they will have in order for it to work, and that starts with communication, honesty, and of course, consent, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor NumberFantastic4992 was devastated when he found out that his wife was cheating on him with one of her coworkers, and he was quick to confront her about it and try to understand why she did what she had done.
But when she tried to cover for herself and said she had been hypnotized and had no choice but to cheat on him, the Original Poster (OP) was flabbergasted and questioned if his wife was interested in fantasies he’d never even considered.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for not believing my wife was not intentionally cheating on me?”
The OP had become suspicious that his wife might be cheating on him.
“My wife (32 Female) and I (32 Male) have been married for five years, no kids, but lately things haven’t been so great.”
“The main issue, frankly, is that there hasn’t been sex, and I keep talking to her about this, but she honestly seems completely indifferent, like she doesn’t even care that I have needs.”
“I ask her if SHE wants sex anymore, and she just shrugs. At the same time, she has been going to the gym more, highlighting her hair, wearing more makeup, and putting on sexier clothes, etc, which to me seems like signs of cheating WHEN COMBINED with not having sex with me at all.”
The OP decided to investigate and did not like what he found.
“Frankly, I started to get fed up with the lack of respect and interest and consideration and above all the lack of communication, like she just WON’T talk to me about this! So while I’m not proud, I did check her phone and discovered VERY clear evidence she is cheating on me with a male coworker of hers.”
“Not only that, but it’s in a total BDSM way where she is calling him ‘Master’ and stuff like that… It’s totally not my thing, and honestly really upset me way more than just cheating that she would be calling another man MASTER.”
“Obviously, for me, this was the final straw, and I knew there was no coming back from this. I just wanted a divorce, and I wanted it right away, no kids, might as well start over while we’re still young.”
The OP immediately confronted his wife, planning to move forward with a divorce.
“So I just confronted her the next day after a night of stewing and sweating on the couch, and here’s where the really f**ked up part starts.”
“As soon as I brought up her coworker, my wife started sobbing and said she was not cheating on me on purpose but was UNDER MIND CONTROL by this man and that he hypnotized her to do these things.”
“She said he literally put her under hypnotic control so that whenever he says certain trigger words, she goes into a trance, and he gives her ‘suggestions’ that she will carry out, even when they’re not together.”
“She said she in no way wants to be involved in this, but she has no choice because her mind is controlled.”
“So I’m obviously like, WHAT THE F**K?? Because that sh*t doesn’t exist… RIGHT???”
“She was telling me this so confidently, as if everyone just knows you can go around mind controlling your coworkers, and it’s a thing that happens, BUT IT’S NOT, RIGHT?”
“So I had absolutely no idea what to say to this, but I asked her if this was true, then why did she never tell me before, and she said his control stopped her.”
“When I asked her why she could tell me now and what the difference was, she said she didn’t know because she couldn’t remember all his instructions, but he may have let her tell me if I specifically asked, or it may be that the control was broken because it was too ’emotionally intense.'”
“I just honestly did not believe this at all, and I don’t even know what to do with this excuse, like I’ve never heard any sh*t like this in my life!”
“But my wife could tell I didn’t believe her, and she started crying and saying I didn’t trust her and she wanted to get out from under his control, and that if I can help ‘save’ her from him, then she’ll leave him and never do anything like that again. And I need to believe it’s not her fault because she would never do that to me!”
The OP was disgusted and at a loss for what to do with this information.
“At that point, I just left and went to my brother’s house and told her I needed to get away from this right now.”
“She’s been texting me since, begging me to believe her.”
“I just told my bro I found out she was cheating, and he said I can stay as long as I want, but there’s no way I can tell him all this crazy s**t.”
“What’s stopping me is this seems like such a crazy f**ked up lie, and honestly, it just seems beyond my wife to come up with something so outlandish. With all respect, she is kind of a ‘basic’ or ‘normie’ person who I would never expect to think of something like this.”
“I expected she was gonna say it was my fault for certain things or that it didn’t mean anything, but not something like THIS. I’m questioning if she has some kind of mental disorder or something??”
“But my REAL question is… WHAT THE F**K???”
“Am I the a**hole for not believing my wife? Is this something that REALLY CAN happen? I know hypnosis is used by psychologists and magicians, but don’t you have to CONSENT to be hypnotized?”
“I can just imagine if we called the cops about this, they would laugh in our faces…”
“I feel sick thinking about this either way, but even if it’s not true, does my wife honestly believe this? And if she honestly believes she is under control, should I forgive her even if it’s not true?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain that the OP’s wife was the problem here, and she should be an ex-wife as soon as possible.
“She’s the a**hole. She got caught and is very obviously grasping at straws to get you to stay. Divorce, move on.” – treywarp
“Hypnosis can only truly be initiated if the person being hypnotized is willing and also susceptible. So. Take that as you will.” – SorryPet
“NTA. But seriously, dude.”
“The ‘mind control’ thing is part of her kink, part of her BDSM fantasy. She is using it as an excuse for you, but also for any guilt she might feel.”
“The entire story is bulls**t. In fact, it is so bulls**t that it makes me doubt the entire thing. That is how bad it is. It is insulting that she thinks this would work on you; you should be super p**sed.”
“Leave her, expose her after the divorce is finalized. Make sure everyone at work knows about the boss, and get them both fired.”
“Look, I have zero empathy for these situations, and I am all about petty revenge. Wreck them.”
“Collect all evidence of the affair, whatever you have to do. Contact a lawyer.” – That_Buy110
“Stupid question… If it was ‘mind control,’ wouldn’t the text body between them show some sort of ‘trigger word’? And if she’s truly ‘being controlled,’ tell her to show you ALL her text messages.”
“If they are deleted. Lying. If she does, tell her to text him and tell him to p**s off. If she doesn’t. Lying. If she does, then have her ask him what the trigger words ‘were.'”
“If he says, ‘What the f**k are you talking about?’ Lying. If he does, try using said word on her and have her call you master.”
“Kinda see where I’m going? Can easily take what she’s saying and almost prove it’s all bulls**t.” – Nicerat123
“NTA. Tell her to do this if you are to believe her, but I still would not believe her.”
“Tell her that tomorrow, you are both going to her work, and she is going to Human Resources, and you are there to help her let them know about his hypnosis on her. Explain the situation, as this is coercion, sexual harassment, and abuse. Then, after that, go to the police to file a report.”
“Her response will be telling because now she is cornered and has to either do this and he will be looked at in a very negative light, or she will have to fess up and be honest.”
“Then, if she is honest, say the only chance you have at this, if that’s what you truly want, then you will need to post a confession on all your socials in a public post. She needs to include that she cheated on you, tagging the guy, what you called each other, what you did, and not blaming him for her cheating.”
“You can verify this through a third party. Until that is done, you are getting a divorce. If she does it, take a screenshot, and use it as evidence to file under adultery, and get out quicker.” – IfIwerenyourshoes
Others theorized that the OP’s wife might need help with her mental health, but they weren’t convinced that that should be the OP’s problem anymore.
“If she actually believes this, which I don’t know whether or not she does, she’s having some kind of mental health episode and needs to talk to a professional. NTA for not believing it because it’s unbelievable.” – Weird-Salamander-349
“It doesn’t matter if she has a mental disorder. If she loved you, she would remain faithful. It comes off like you’re trying to come up with excuses to stay with a woman who has no respect or love for you.” – ChestLanders
“NTA. My god, your wife has either serious mental health issues, or she is terrible at covering her a**. Either way, this is beyond a normal response.”
“I think I would contact the affair partner to get his side of the story and possibly her work HR. This is a s**t show and you don’t need it, but curiosity at what the affair partner says really is getting to me.” – youmustb3jokn
“Bro… She is full of s**t. Take it from someone with a fair amount of experience in the BDSM Dom/Sub, Master/Slave lifestyle, there is absolutely nothing that has taken place without 100% of her full knowledge and CONSENT.”
“This is obviously a kink of hers that she doesn’t feel comfortable admitting to you, so she has come up with this lame a** excuse. It actually sounds like she hasn’t even admitted it to herself yet.”
“Hypnotism cannot be performed without the hypnotized person giving their willing consent. Not only that, but for it to truly work, they have to, somewhere deep in the recesses of their mind, not only be giving consent, but they have to WANT it to happen.”
“There is a significant portion of the population that literally cannot be hypnotized because even if they agree to try, because some subconscious aspect of their psyche does not WANT it to happen, and so therefore, it can NOT happen.”
“And unless this co-worker is a trained clinical psychologist, he isn’t even trying to hypnotize her. He’s just dominating her mentally. There is a process for it, and it is NOT hypnosis.”
“Your wife is trying to rid herself of the responsibility of her OWN decisions.”
“If BDSM is something that you are not into, you might as well just divorce her now, because whether or not she admits it, she will now, and most likely forever, want to continue this lifestyle. She may be able to suppress it for a time, maybe even years, but eventually, that desire to live that dynamic will rear its head again, and she will start again. With or without you.”
“Honestly, this has got to be the silliest, most childish excuse I’ve ever heard someone use after getting caught experimenting with the lifestyle. I honestly cannot believe she ACTUALLY thought this excuse would work.”
“I hate to say it, but your wife, from your perspective at least, is now ‘damaged goods.’ Unless you want to get involved and become her ‘Master,’ you may as well just cut her out of your life now.”
“I’m sorry, man, I truly am. You aren’t the first man to go through something like this, but you are the first that I know of whose wife actually gave such a lame a** excuse. She couldn’t even admit the truth to you, which indicates she hasn’t even admitted the truth to herself yet.”
“She isn’t trying to convince YOU with this story, she’s trying to convince HERSELF. That way she doesn’t have to feel whatever shame her psyche associates with this lifestyle.” – Overall_Flounder7365
“Tell her you’ll help her (mental health or mind control…) in whatever way you can, but you are still going through with the divorce. Once she sees you’re serious, and there is no changing your mind, she might start singing a different tune. If she holds fast to mind control theory, then get her to the right help and resources.” – mak-ina-myn
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“To get the obvious out of the way: we are getting divorced.”
“I spent a few days at my bro’s house. And while originally I said there was no way I would ever tell him… finally, we got pretty drunk, and I spilled everything and showed him the texts from my wife, too, where she was insisting she was under control and would never choose to do this to me.”
“To his credit, he didn’t mock or make fun of me at all, and since he actually knows my wife, his perspective was honestly helpful and gave me some things to think about that I hadn’t considered. And I kinda wish I had just talked to him in the first place, but I was so humiliated, I could only talk about it anonymously.”
“But here’s what he said. He agreed that my wife is a very weak and gullible person. Someone who can be easily manipulated. And maybe she “believed” she was being mind-controlled. BUT he said that doesn’t make her innocent in this.”
“He made a comparison to people who join cults or spend thousands of dollars in online romance scams (the latter hit home because we have a relative who was involved in this). Their families and loved ones try to get them out and show them the facts, but they continue rationalizing and believing what they want to believe for the sake of the fantasy of the romance or religion. They may be a victim, but they’re not innocent.”
“And I get it, I can absolutely see that kind of behavior in my wife where she is willing to excuse and stick up for people who treat her like dirt, but not to stick up for herself or the people who are important to her… to where she is willing to stay under the thumb of anyone who will think for her and make decisions for her.”
The OP began to come to terms with what he needed to do.
“The way we got together is that I kind of ‘saved’ her from a bad relationship she was in, and I think she’s kind of addicted to that dynamic, to be honest. Letting someone control her and being ‘saved.'”
“So I realized after talking to my brother, even if my wife ‘believes’ she is being mind controlled, can I really go on with my life with someone who would let herself be this deluded to maybe risk our finances, our future children’s safety, etc? Obviously not.”
“I don’t think I ever would have stayed with her after this, obviously, but my brother’s advice really made things clear to me in a way I hadn’t thought of it before.”
The OP finally discussed his thoughts with his wife.
“Eventually, I did have to go back to our place to get some of my stuff, and honestly, I did want to talk to her, I guess to try to get closure and to make her hear my perspective… and maybe try to shake sense into her one last time. Like, I do still care about her, and I want her to try to figure her sh*t out and never do something like this again.”
“So we talked, and the first thing I told her was that we are getting divorced, and she could not change my mind. There was a lot of crying at that.”
“Next, I asked her if this was all a lie or if she really did believe she was hypnotized because I very bluntly told her mind control is not real and hypnosis doesn’t work unless you consent to it. And she told me she consented to the initial hypnosis, which was all nonsexual, but he eventually started putting in sexual suggestions, and by then, she couldn’t resist.”
“I asked her why she didn’t tell someone or get help, and she said his control prevented her.”
“So I told her if she really believed this was true, she needed to contact her HR department and the police. But I think she just needs mental help. And she was willing to sacrifice our marriage for her sexual fantasy, and I hope one day she can admit it was her fantasy.”
“She didn’t argue too much with that, but she didn’t admit it. And she showed me her text to the guy where she told him his control was broken, and it was over. He said, and I quote: ‘That’s fine, I already got everything I wanted from you anyway.'”
“So she ruined our happiness for someone like that. A hard pill to swallow for me and for her.”
“So I told her I had to go, and she asked if we could stay in touch or be friends, and I said no. We will talk through lawyers from now on. Not to be harsh, but I don’t want to feed her fantasy that I will still ‘save’ her somehow. But I encouraged her to get help.”
The OP had plans for his future then, too.
“As for me, I’m gonna stay single for a while, and to be honest, I should probably rethink what kind of woman I want and try to find a gal who is more independent and doesn’t need to be ‘saved.'”
“But in the meantime, I always wanted a dog, and my soon-to-be ex-wife is allergic, so I think I’m gonna start there.”
Fellow Redditors reassured the OP that he did the right thing and that his wife was simply trying to avoid being held accountable.
“I have never read something so outlandish. I feel bad for you, OP, and hope you find a wife who brings you happiness and sanity.” – Complete-Record5167
“I can’t understand this at all. I will say that you were not unkind and were very direct with your thoughts and intentions. That is admirable.”
“It’s hard for me to believe that she is being honest, though. Outside of the obvious insanity of the claim, how could she promise that it would never happen again if she didn’t have control? If you were to believe her, I feel like it’d be giving her a free pass to continue.” – Superbubbler
“Whatever ‘reality’ is the case here, she obviously is not ‘wife’ or ‘mother’ material. The most generous interpretation possible is she is a moron.”
“Maybe one day she can own her s**t, admit she was horny, and that this opportunity fed her ego and was fun… and that she should have been trying it out with you, not a coworker.”
“I wouldn’t hold your breath, though.”
“Make sure you file for divorce under the reason, ‘adultery.’ Then, if anyone wants to marry her, all they have to do is look up the divorce record. If this is the kind of stuff she’s into, she really should stay single or be in an open relationship, but at least if she wants to marry someone, they can act accordingly.”
“NTA.” – SnooPeripherals1914
“The bottom line is she got off on this BDSM and control fantasy and internalized it. The guy may have manipulated her to some extent, but she was a very willing participant.”
“You did the right thing, for sure.”
“I know you think people were harsh, but this was ridiculous from her for her to claim from the get-go. Whether she was lying or believing her lies, it was still all lies, and that should have been realized from the beginning.”
“My only thing would be that maybe she is delusional and needs medical help, but regardless, that wouldn’t be your problem, either, as she cheated no matter what the reason was.”
“I think you just couldn’t accept what people were saying, not because they didn’t know your wife, but because you didn’t know them. You know your brother and trust his opinions, and he explained it in a way you could accept, but the results are all the same.”
“I think you are smart to take time for yourself before trying to rush into another relationship.”
“Good luck to you.” – Vycherz
“That’s some mental gymnastics she’s pulling to absolve herself of accountability. You didn’t magically break his mind control when you confronted her. She just got caught and spun a tale to make it all her affair partner’s fault.”
“Tale as old as time: the coworker gave her attention and validation. She didn’t keep proper boundaries to protect your marriage. As she got more emotionally and sexually involved with her coworker, she pulled away from you. Only when you confronted her did the fantasy evaporate.”
“Consequences started to appear, and now she has spun a tale to absolve her of the consensual affair. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Get the support you deserve from YOUR family and friends.” – Jokester_316
“NTA. What a f**ked up situation. You handled it correctly.”
“Now go out and get that dog! Have a happy life together! Then someday, find a girl who also loves dogs!” – Due-Contact-366
The subReddit felt terrible that the OP found himself in this situation and encouraged him to move forward with the divorce before the relationship got even worse. There was nothing wrong with the wife exploring new interests if she was honest about it, but the fact that she was hiding it from the OP and creating excuses to disguise it made this whole marriage unsalvageable.