Deciding what you want to eat can be a difficult decision.
And kids are notorious for making food choices far more stressful than necessary.
But do parents do enough investigating as to why kids are so picky?
It's all part of the learning experience right?
Case in point...
Redditor UsefulSkills wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for making my son make his own food?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My son 9 M[ale] is insanely picky."
"He won't eat almost everything."
"This started when he was around five."
"He would come home from kindergarten with untouched lunches except for his yogurt and applesauce."
"We took him to the pediatrician, who said we needed to consult with a dietician."
"While we were waiting for approval from our insurance we tried different things to get our son to eat."
"Eventually we figured that he will eat stuff like mashed potatoes and soup, anything he doesn't have to chew."
"So we just started accommodating that."
"We tried to make balanced meals, mixing soft vegetables into his mashed potatoes and such."
"We figured he would grow out of this, but he never did."
"I got sick of making separate meals or eating pureed food every night."
"I started bringing my son into the kitchen with me and teaching him to use a blender and other kitchen tools."
"Now, my son makes his own food almost every night I cook."
"My wife still makes separate meals for him."
'She says I am an AH for making him make his own food."
"I supervise him and help him with whatever he needs."
"I think he needs to know how to make his own stuff, because there is no way people are going to accommodate this throughout his life."
"We've been fighting about it more lately."
"Oh, and we never did figure out why he doesn't like chewing."
"Dietician referred us elsewhere and insurance wouldn't pay."
"But it doesn't really matter at this point."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"YTA - not for making him cook, but for failing to get him the appropriate medical care to work out if there is a serious issue."
"Edit... Because everyone seems upset that I am calling OP... YTA for not pursuing further medical intervention."
"The main reason I am saying that is that OP said they had been directed to further inventions and 'because insurance wouldn't pay and it doesn't matter why a literal child won't chew' has elected to not pursue them or insurance approved alternatives."
"The solution of 'punish child by making him cook mush' rather than get a 2nd or 3rd job in 5 years to pay for the additional intervention as to why he will only eat mush makes OP YTA." ~ F**kUGalen
"YTA. Doesn't sound like he tried that hard and now he just says it doesn't even really matter."
"Except it kinda does! If he really wanted to do something, he would be looking for alternatives."
"Having the kid make his own meals while everyone else is cooked for, isn't going to help matters."
"It's a way to no longer deal with the problem, and then the kid can develop a complex bc he doesn't get the same effort from his dad than everyone else." ~ Drama_Queen2013
"You haven't had a special needs child have you?"
"At some point the millions of doctors appointments are unbearable."
"They found a liveable solution for now."
"And 9 isn't that young. He isn't cooking entire meals alone."
"He's learning how to prep his own food. If kids can't use a blender at age 9… that's a problem."
"Five year olds can freakin' navigate iPhones and computers for goodness sakes." ~ Save_the_Manatees_44
"Even taking this assessment (that there is an undiagnosed medical issue here) at face value, OP would still not be an AH since OP has spent years working through this with their pediatrician and associated team."
"This describes a NAH situation."
"Parents taking the advice of a team of medical professionals about the well-being of their child is basically never an AH move." ~ poke0003
"My son had this exact issue."
"I took him to an OT and speech therapist and they worked with him."
"He had sensory processing disorder and swallowing/ chewing issues."
"It was about 6 months of therapy and they gave us exercises to continue."
"He has a normal diet now. This stuff needs to be treated when they are young."
"It affects their school and education too."
"YTA for not getting your child treatment and instead turning this into a life long issue." ~ Illustrious-Owl-7199
"You're supposed to trust your doctor, but if the doctor can't eventually help, you get a second opinion."
"Everyone has failures, blind spots, areas they aren't strong in, personal prejudices, 'Oh, I didn't think of that's, etc.'"
"Lots of people treat doctors like towering, authoritarian geniuses, but they're mostly just normal people who are good at memorizing lots of information and taking tests and who are willing to dissect a pig or three." ~ RishaBree
"YTA and have you lost your mind?"
"You think it's good parenting to just ignore that your kid only eats puréed foods at 9 year old, for his whole life (you said in a comment)?"
"Food aversions are a thing, often related to other conditions that also call for treatment."
"Medical issues with jaw/throat/teeth, too."
"There are doctors and therapists devoted to exploring these issues and finding solutions." ~ RB1327
Someone had a different ideas...
"NTA. I have a 9yo and we've only just recently started getting her into making her own foods."
"Not because she is fussy but just for independence and because she can so why not?!"
"When I make dinner and she doesn't like it or is being fussy, she knows it is then her responsibility to find something else to make."
"This is so she understands the time and effort it takes for us to make her food and gains more appreciation."
"But having her make her own things like fried eggs or pancakes 100% on her own makes her feel like a kitchen Queen and it's lovely to see."
"It's been helpful for times like when I'm too unwell and my husband isn't home or when we are all busy or she just feels like it."
"We still make her breakfast/lunch/dinner BUT sometimes we leave it up to her for when she is hungry."
"But at the same time my husband and I don't make food for each other and not include her, unless she has already got a different idea of what she wants to eat."
"Then she can make something different."
"Every family is different though and what works for one may not work for the other."
"If your son is adapting well and enjoying the process then why discourage it!" ~ catduck-meow
"I agree. We are teaching our 7 year old how to prepare some of her favorite things."
"Age appropriate, of course. No sharp knives or the stove. But, a microwave at 7? Hell yeah!"
"Because cooking is a lifelong skill."
"And I have a picky daughter, as well."
"This way, when she wants to go to a sleepover, or her grandparents' house, and they don't know exactly how to prepare food the way she prefers, she is empowered to feed herself."
"NTA, OP. Teaching kids to cook is an important skill."
"Doubly so when they have unique preferences." ~ Ihaveapeach
"I've been cooking basic foods for myself since I was like 5."
"It was a very valuable life skill that my parents taught me."
"Now I can cook basically anything."
"My boyfriend whose parents never had him cook anything?"
"Over 30 and feels stressed when he's in the kitchen cooking anything more complicated than scrambled eggs or stir fry."
"NTA more kids need to learn how to cook for themselves, especially if they are very picky eaters." ~ bananamjlk
OP came back with some reaction...
"I'd appreciate it if people would answer the question I'm actually asking (is making my son cook an AH move?) instead of trying to armchair diagnose him."
"Our pediatrician is highly qualified and works with a dedicated team."
"I'm listening to them, not a bunch of random people on the internet."
"The fact that you think you know more than his doctor, who has known him nine years, and has a plethora of information about his health, based on a short post, with a tiny amount of medical information. shows you really shouldn't be giving out medical advice."
OP... this is not an easy fix.
Reddit is all over the place with thoughts.
But most feel maybe it's time for some extra opinions.
Although teaching a child to cook is a life essential, it's also essential to understand food aversion.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp