We all have our "things."
You know, the things we do that make us happy... but that we don't necessarily want others to know about.
Perhaps it's a shower cabaret or the particular way you tuck in your pet at night. It could even be a personal hygiene habit you want to keep to yourself.
Regardless, it's yours, and it's private.
A man on Reddit snapped at his girlfriend after she busted in on him shaving his body - something he's purposely kept from her - so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Fogged_Mirror_1192 asked:
"AITAH for screaming at my GF after she picked the bathroom lock while I was in the shower?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Throwaway because I have to admit something really embarrassing."
"I (24/m[ale]) just had a bad fight with my gf, Ana (24/f[emale])."
"We met early in college, started dating 2 years ago and then moved in together 3 months ago."
"I always thought we were great together."
"She's smart and funny, we've had the best talks and have similar views on science and politics."
"But we moved in together, and she got upset because I take long showers."
"I don't like to talk about it, but I'm a hairy guy."
"Think Luther from Umbrella Academy."
"I quit sports when I was 13 because I couldn't deal with what the other guys would say about how much body hair I already had by then."
"So I shave my whole body, and yes, it takes a while."
"Ana and I have never talked about my shaving, but she has to know I shave from feeling the stubble."
"So Ana started questioning why I spent so long in the shower."
"I should have just told her, but I was too embarrassed to say it takes a while to shave, so I said I just like thinking in the shower."
"Then yesterday, while I was in the shower, she used a screwdriver to pop the bathroom lock and caught me shaving."
"She put her hands on her hips and told me I was wasting water, and I yelled at her to get out."
"She didn't leave and lectured me more on wasting water, then I shouted again a LOT louder for her to get the f**k out."
"It freaked her out, and she slammed the door behind her."
"I was mad and took a few minutes to cool down and think about what I was going to say to her, but when I got out, she had locked herself in the bedroom."
"I could tell she had her back against the door and was crying."
"She said I scared her and that I showed her that I wasn't the kind of man she thought I was."
"I told her she had scared me and that it didn't even make sense why she did it because we don't even pay the water for our apartment."
"She got more upset and said I didn't even understand the problem because I showed her that I could be violent and abusive and I just needed to leave."
"I tried to keep calm and asked her to come out so we could actually talk about what happened, but she just kept saying I wasn't who she thought I was, and I had to leave."
"We've argued about ideas but never had a fight before, and I swear I've never yelled or cursed at her before that."
"I hate fighting with anyone and am normally the more calm person when our friends have things going on."
"I feel like my whole world just suddenly fell out from under me."
"I don't think this was my fault, but I also think none of this would have happened if I wasn't so self-conscious about the body hair issue, or maybe if I had just been honest from the beginning and told her why I take long showers."
"I'm sure this relationship is over now and things are going to be messed up for a while, but I just want to know am I the a**hole for causing this whole mess?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on the situation.
Many felt OP was not the a**hole (NTA) in the situation.
In fact, many believed his girlfriend was the a**hole (AH) for breaking into the bathroom.
They also noted she displayed major red flag behavior.
"NTA. She literally broke into your private space to lecture you."
"She's the one with the issues." - RefrigeratorPretty51
"I don't understand."
"She sees you are shaving and thus have a legitimate reason to be in there, but she starts berating you for wasting water?" - CarcosaDweller
"Naw she's blaming you for being upset that she violated your trust and space."
"She is 100% the AH here." - HarlotteHoehansson
"NTA, absolutely not OP, she violated your privacy!!"
"She could absolutely get reported for sexual harassment for that. You can't just unlock a locked door!!"
"And then she has the gall to berate you for wasting water like you're the issue here?"
"Um, excuse me, girlfriend, you're the psycho who picked the lock to harass me over not being environmentally conscious instead of just waiting to confront me afterward."
"To be honest, I would've reacted the same way, but I'm a woman."
"Do Not invade my privacy like that and then start an argument."
"And don't be embarrassed about body hair. Some folks are just hairy."
"Some folks have 'weird' toes. Some folks have 'weird' noses. And some folks are just hairy."
"Roll of the dice."
"I have freakishly tiny ears, so small I can't wear glasses. Everyone says it's cute, but man, it's annoying. I can only wear grippy sunglasses."
"I wish you luck on your future romances and endeavors OP, sorry about the breakup!" - ninjastarkid
"'showed her that I could be violent and abusive'"
"Says the woman who just violently broke into the room to abuse you then refused to stop."
"She needs to get over herself and take a long hard look in a mirror."
"NTA" - Catthulhu_
"NTA"
"So she broke into a bathroom like a creep, and you're the abusive one?" - EchoMountain158
"NTA."
"My partner and I often shower with the door open so we can join the other if we want to."
"If I came across the door being closed - not even locked - and he was showering? I'd leave him be because he clearly wants privacy for a reason."
"Picking the lock (strike 1), refusing to leave until you screamed at her (strike 2) and using DARVO against you (strike 3)?"
"In an instant the relationship was just destroyed."
"Body hair is nothing to be ashamed of, however it's your choice whether or not it's worth getting rid of. That said - have you considered laser treatment for the hair removal?" - Frozefoots
Others think the girlfriend is using OP's yelling as a way to deflect from her own wrongdoing.
"NTA"
"She's using this 'not who I thought' and 'you scared me' to make herself the victim when she was the instigator."
"Tell her she's free to leave if she feels unsafe, and consider why you would stay with someone like this."
"Don't apologise or accept blame." - Proper_Fun_977
"NTA. She knew damn well what she was doing..."
"She wanted to make sure you weren't pleasuring yourself."
"She figured she'd catch you at it and be able to scream at you about that."
"Once she'd the door, she made up some lame excuse about the water." - Merlinmaster72
"Those woe-is-me crocodile tears came on fast, huh?"
"That was psycho behavior from her."
"End things as gently as you can and get far away before that screwdriver ends up somewhere else. NTA" - wailingwonder
Several also urged OP to leave the relationship if it's not already over.
"OP, run while you can. This isn't normal at all."
"Who picks the lock of a bathroom door of all things??? And the audacity of her to blame you for yelling because of being startled due to her actions."
"Just drop her the message that none of this would've happened if she hadn't broken into the bathroom door and invaded your privacy."
"What if the situation was reversed, and you broke into her bathroom while she was bathing?"
"The entire world would've called you an insecure psycho invading the privacy of your innocent girlfriend."
"She got caught and felt embarrassed about it."
"Hence, she's gaslighting you and blaming you for her not-so-normal actions."
"Hard NTA. Don't even think there's something wrong with you."
"Even if she was concerned about water usage, she could've knocked while you were bathing/shaving.Or waited for you to finish and had a chat like a mature adult."
"What you do in your shower is your business."
"And there's no compulsion to confess about your insecurities before you're ready." - Straight-Example9126
"NTA but get your things and move out and break up." - Still_Storm7432
"NTA. She's right. You need to leave."
"For your sake."
"Let her manipulate and abuse someone else. She's a waving red flag."
"You're not a match."
"End it and celebrate with a long hot shower."
"Better yet, find your match and enjoy your long showers together." - Used-Pin-997
OP did update his fellow Redditors invested in his story, but he shared that he hasn't heard from his (ex?)girlfriend yet.
Fortunately, he has a place to stay and - thanks to pals on the platform - has learned of several options for managing his body hair.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.