Financial responsibility for family can be difficult.
If someone can help, they usually will.
But not everybody is capable.
And everybody isn't always deserving of the help.
Coming to terms with who should shell out the dollars can be emotionally stressful.
Redditor Professional-Cry1342 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to help my dad's ex-wife with rent after his passing, even though she is struggling and my half-brother is still a minor?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So here's the situation."
"My dad passed away 3.5 years ago when my half-brother was 11 years old."
"My dad and his ex-wife had been separated for about 5 years before his death, but they weren't legally divorced."
"During that time, they didn't really have much contact, and she didn't join any family gatherings or events."
"Even during the funeral, she wasn't there where my aunt, my grandma, and I (32 F[emale]) were, and I didn't have a close relationship with her."
"My dad was also struggling financially, and he didn't leave anything behind apart from a small boat he had purchased in my name."
"Which I sold and put the money aside for my brother's future and started paying for his needs such as education fees and monthly allowances for him."
"My dad had still been supporting my half-brother's mom financially, even though they weren't living together, and I only had to communicate with her a few times after his passing about my brother's expenses."
"Here's where things get tricky: my aunt has been paying the rent for my dad's ex-wife and my half-brother for the past 3.5 years, as my dad's ex-wife claims to be struggling financially."
"She works full time but also receives a pension through my dad."
"Now, the landlord wants them to move out, and my aunt, who has been helping with rent all this time, is not in a position to pay for the rent in the future apartment."
"My dad's ex-wife is now asking me for help with rent, claiming she's still struggling."
"I'm honestly conflicted."
"I don't have a strong relationship with her, and I don't feel it's my responsibility to help her out with rent, especially when I'm already helping my brother."
"I've made it clear that I can't help with the rent, but she's persistent and threatening me to tell my brother that I'm this bad sister who is not helping him out with their housing situation, and she told me if I'm not helping her out with rent, I shouldn't act like a good sister and help out on anything else as well."
"I feel like it's not fair that I should take on this burden when I'm already looking out for my brother's well-being, especially when my aunt has already been helping her all this time."
"My primary focus is on my brother's future, and I just don't want to take on any more responsibilities that aren't my own."
"I also want to mention that while my dad financially supported his ex-wife when they were separated, their relationship was strained, and I never felt close to her."
"I'm struggling with whether I'm being unreasonable for not helping her, even though she's in a tough situation."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA for not wanting to help her out with rent, even though she's claiming that she is struggling?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - She is a manipulative person and really unkind, threatening you with ill words and access to your stepbrother."
"The bigger question is why does she not have enough money?"
"She receives your dad's pension, and she will qualify for money for your brother through social security (if in the USA) unless your dad is not on the birth certificate."
"What did this woman save in the past 3.5 years when her rent was being paid?"
"Suppose you help her, but never give her money directly."
"Before you pay a cent, she needs to sign up for all and any social support services (e.g., subsidized housing, utility assistance, food stamps (nutritional assistance), free wi-fi, free health care)."
"If she tells you she was denied, she needs to provide the rejection correspondence."
"If she is receiving help, she can work with a social worker regarding budgeting and show you a full account of incoming cash vs bills."
"She will threaten you through your stepbrother no matter what you do, even if you help."
"If you do pay a bill, she provides her account # and company name so you pay it directly."
"This may not be advice you wanted, but there is a lot to manage regarding her 'ask'. In the meantime, negotiate how you can spend time with your brother."
"Convey to him and ensure he has your contact info in the event she cuts you off. "
"Best to you."
"If you pay a utility bill ensure there is no local law that states once you pay, you are not responsible for this debt."
"In the US there are a few states that have this stipulation." ~ DesertSong-LaLa
"NTA. She has a full-time job and a pension, you've been paying for your half-brother, and your aunt has been paying her rent for the last 3 years."
"So where is her money going?"
"With all that assistance for so long, even with housing being expensive, she should be able to rent somewhere, even if she needs a roomie."
"Keep putting away for your brother, but don't give her a dime otherwise." ~ Anxious-Routine-5526
"This grown woman is not related to you, she certainly is not your dependant."
"She is manipulative and selfish regarding you and her son; she's had free rent for years (?), and she has two sources of income."
"Do not give her money. NTA." ~ dryadduinath
"NTA. if she has a pension and income from a full-time job she hasn't had to use because others have been paying everything for her, then she has the money to take care of this."
"The only way she wouldn't would be if she was gambling or making extra or unnecessary purchases."
"I would say talk to your brother because she does sound like someone who would twist the story.
"Is there any way for you or your aunt to house him for a little bit, at least until she runs out of juice?" ~ TW-00
"Absolutely NTA. If she works full time and receives a pension from your dad, she needs to find a cheaper place to live or lower her living costs."
"Other grown adults do not rely on someone else to pay their rent - they figure it out." ~ kittensandchains
"Ok, so she has a full-time job, gets a pension, has had her rent paid by your aunt for the last 3.5 years, and bills paid by your dad before that."
"What the hell is she spending her money on?!?!"
"No, you shouldn't pay her rent."
"She is a grown-a** woman and needs to learn to budget. NTA." ~ Sweet_Vanilla46
"NTA. You owe her nothing."
"Take care of your sibling but the reason she's 'struggling' is because that excuse has worked for her thus far."
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and she's taking her shot at you to see if you'll be her benefactor."
"If no one helps her, she'll magically find a way the same as my ex-wife does when I don't give her extra money when she asks." ~ unabashed_nuance
"Don't do it."
"She has had a long time to figure everything out, she likely just wants to keep living the same lifestyle she did when your father was alive."
"If you are willing to help, then I'd tell her that you don't have the funds to pay for two places and she should know because she also works to pay her rent."
"Gather local information about low-income housing, welfare, food stamps, and groups that help people work through having little money, then send that to her."
"Tell her that once every two months, you'll take your brother shopping for some new clothes if you want to help out a bit."
"I have a feeling if you took her shopping for groceries, she would fill your cart, but maybe just drop off foods that you know they like once in a while."
"It's a difficult balance dealing with her, but I get wanting to ensure that she doesn't hide your brother from you. NTA." ~ Mechya
"NTA. You may be half-siblings... But he is NOT your responsibility."
"He is your stepmom's responsibility."
"She is working AND getting your dad's pension."
"That is f**king enough."
"IF she is 'struggling' she is spending that money somewhere and not on the bills." ~ Future-Nebula74656
"NTA. You mentioned that she has two sources of income, and you've been helping with the child's current and future expenses."
"You have no further obligations." ~ TemptingPenguin369
"NTA, but I'd get ahead of this and talk to your brother directly before she does."
"He's old enough to know about this and the provisions set up for his future as well."
"What's she done with her wages and your dad's pension?"
"Can you even be sure she's providing properly for your brother if she's somehow hemorrhaging all her money on something else (excessive lifestyle/drugs/gambling?!)."
"Have an open and honest conversation with him."
"He's definitely already heard about this through her or has opinions on her spending and will probably surprise you." ~ mortstheonlyboyineed
"NTA, if you want to still help your brother, put the money in a trust that she can't access."
"Give him access when he is of age or other time you feel would be appropriate."
"Your dad's ex-wife isn't your problem."
"She needs to learn to live within or below her means."
"Your family has gone above and beyond for her, and she is greedy, It's time for her to woman up and get her stuff together." ~ AddressPowerful516
"NTA. You choose how to live your life and what to spend your time and money on."
"Full stop."
"All you have to do is be honest with your brother."
"If she keeps pushing, let her know you might be able to help, but you'll need access to her accounts first because you want to help with her finances long term, so let's work together to see where we can cut expenses!"
"She'll stop real quick." ~ rougecrayon
"NTA. She is manipulating you, using your love for your brother as a weapon."
"Since she said that, stop all payments immediately, but put the money aside that you would have spent on your brother."
"Then when he is 18, you can tell him about it and help him with his future."
"He will know then that you did not abandon him." ~ OddGuarantee4061
"NTA. Tell her that if she says this to her brother about you being a bad sister, she will have to start paying for everything related to her brother."
"Offer to set her up with someone to go over her finances and find out what she needs every month."
"It's hard to believe that while receiving a pension and only having utilities to pay, she is hurting for money."
"She's using you and your aunt."
"If she cuts you off from brother then take the money you had been giving her and put it in an account for brother's college." ~ wlfwrtr
"NTA. Tell her you can't afford it."
"If you can't check whether she really is struggling, she can't check your finances."
"Make up some medical stuff you need to pay for."
"Let her mooch from her own family." ~ Leather_Persimmon489
"NTA. She can afford to live comfortably based on your post and commentary."
"She is a user and manipulator, and you owe her nothing." ~ Z-Mtn-Man-3394
"Tell her to get a job."
"Just like you have to provide for yourself, she should have as well. NTA." ~ hiswife21
OP had some updates and edits to discuss...
"Thank you, everyone, for supporting my decision!"
"I'm overwhelmed by the support I've received."
"I just want to provide a bit more context about the countries involved without going into too much detail."
"I'm originally from a Middle Eastern country and moved to Europe a couple of years ago to work under better conditions."
"My brother and his mom still live in my home country."
"Things have been tough there, just like everywhere else, and she is not the only one struggling."
"In our culture, families help each other out."
"However, even though my family loves my brother and has done everything to support him, we feel like she is using us at this point, and I don't want to give in to her manipulation."
"My mom was a single parent who worked two jobs to provide me with housing and all my needs until I was able to provide for myself, so her attitude is really frustrating me even more."
"As some of you suggested, I don't want to help her with budget planning or finding a new apartment because I'm afraid that if I help her even a little, she'll keep asking for more."
"I also think she wants to maintain an expensive lifestyle."
"She isn't into drugs or gambling, as far as I know, but she does spend a lot on luxury cosmetics, branded clothes, and even some botox and similar treatments."
"Regarding taking my brother to live with me, it would be very complicated due to visa processes, but if things get worse, I will do everything in my power to arrange that."
"I told her that life is tough for everyone."
"I'm in no position to pay rent, and I'm not going to send her any money from my brother's account for her rent because he will need it more in the future."
"It is her responsibility to find somewhere to live within her budget."
"I also told her I don't want her to contact me ever again about anything related to this topic, as I don't believe it is my responsibility to help her."
"She was shameless enough to say that she didn't want the full rent, just my share that I 'had' to support for my brother's sake."
"I will send my brother a text message in a couple of days, letting him know that I love him."
"I'm always there for him, and he can reach out to me personally whenever he wants."
"I'm also considering giving him a debit card."
"She has until the end of this month to leave the current apartment, and I'm waiting to see how things will unfold."
It sounds like you managed to secure the best option for yourself.
Good for you, OP.
Reddit is with you 100%.
This woman needs to start acting like an adult.
Sorry for the loss of your Dad.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp