Financial responsibility for family can be difficult.
If someone can help, they usually will.
But not everybody is capable.
And everybody isn’t always deserving of the help.
Coming to terms with who should shell out the dollars can be emotionally stressful.
Redditor Professional-Cry1342 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to help my dad’s ex-wife with rent after his passing, even though she is struggling and my half-brother is still a minor?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So here’s the situation.”
“My dad passed away 3.5 years ago when my half-brother was 11 years old.”
“My dad and his ex-wife had been separated for about 5 years before his death, but they weren’t legally divorced.”
“During that time, they didn’t really have much contact, and she didn’t join any family gatherings or events.”
“Even during the funeral, she wasn’t there where my aunt, my grandma, and I (32 F[emale]) were, and I didn’t have a close relationship with her.”
“My dad was also struggling financially, and he didn’t leave anything behind apart from a small boat he had purchased in my name.”
“Which I sold and put the money aside for my brother’s future and started paying for his needs such as education fees and monthly allowances for him.”
“My dad had still been supporting my half-brother’s mom financially, even though they weren’t living together, and I only had to communicate with her a few times after his passing about my brother’s expenses.”
“Here’s where things get tricky: my aunt has been paying the rent for my dad’s ex-wife and my half-brother for the past 3.5 years, as my dad’s ex-wife claims to be struggling financially.”
“She works full time but also receives a pension through my dad.”
“Now, the landlord wants them to move out, and my aunt, who has been helping with rent all this time, is not in a position to pay for the rent in the future apartment.”
“My dad’s ex-wife is now asking me for help with rent, claiming she’s still struggling.”
“I’m honestly conflicted.”
“I don’t have a strong relationship with her, and I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to help her out with rent, especially when I’m already helping my brother.”
“I’ve made it clear that I can’t help with the rent, but she’s persistent and threatening me to tell my brother that I’m this bad sister who is not helping him out with their housing situation, and she told me if I’m not helping her out with rent, I shouldn’t act like a good sister and help out on anything else as well.”
“I feel like it’s not fair that I should take on this burden when I’m already looking out for my brother’s well-being, especially when my aunt has already been helping her all this time.”
“My primary focus is on my brother’s future, and I just don’t want to take on any more responsibilities that aren’t my own.”
“I also want to mention that while my dad financially supported his ex-wife when they were separated, their relationship was strained, and I never felt close to her.”
“I’m struggling with whether I’m being unreasonable for not helping her, even though she’s in a tough situation.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, AITA for not wanting to help her out with rent, even though she’s claiming that she is struggling?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA – She is a manipulative person and really unkind, threatening you with ill words and access to your stepbrother.”
“The bigger question is why does she not have enough money?”
“She receives your dad’s pension, and she will qualify for money for your brother through social security (if in the USA) unless your dad is not on the birth certificate.”
“What did this woman save in the past 3.5 years when her rent was being paid?”
“Suppose you help her, but never give her money directly.”
“Before you pay a cent, she needs to sign up for all and any social support services (e.g., subsidized housing, utility assistance, food stamps (nutritional assistance), free wi-fi, free health care).”
“If she tells you she was denied, she needs to provide the rejection correspondence.”
“If she is receiving help, she can work with a social worker regarding budgeting and show you a full account of incoming cash vs bills.”
“She will threaten you through your stepbrother no matter what you do, even if you help.”
“If you do pay a bill, she provides her account # and company name so you pay it directly.”
“This may not be advice you wanted, but there is a lot to manage regarding her ‘ask’. In the meantime, negotiate how you can spend time with your brother.”
“Convey to him and ensure he has your contact info in the event she cuts you off. “
“Best to you.”
“If you pay a utility bill ensure there is no local law that states once you pay, you are not responsible for this debt.”
“In the US there are a few states that have this stipulation.” ~ DesertSong-LaLa
“NTA. She has a full-time job and a pension, you’ve been paying for your half-brother, and your aunt has been paying her rent for the last 3 years.”
“So where is her money going?”
“With all that assistance for so long, even with housing being expensive, she should be able to rent somewhere, even if she needs a roomie.”
“Keep putting away for your brother, but don’t give her a dime otherwise.” ~ Anxious-Routine-5526
“This grown woman is not related to you, she certainly is not your dependant.”
“She is manipulative and selfish regarding you and her son; she’s had free rent for years (?), and she has two sources of income.”
“Do not give her money. NTA.” ~ dryadduinath
“NTA. if she has a pension and income from a full-time job she hasn’t had to use because others have been paying everything for her, then she has the money to take care of this.”
“The only way she wouldn’t would be if she was gambling or making extra or unnecessary purchases.”
“I would say talk to your brother because she does sound like someone who would twist the story.
“Is there any way for you or your aunt to house him for a little bit, at least until she runs out of juice?” ~ TW-00
“Absolutely NTA. If she works full time and receives a pension from your dad, she needs to find a cheaper place to live or lower her living costs.”
“Other grown adults do not rely on someone else to pay their rent – they figure it out.” ~ kittensandchains
“Ok, so she has a full-time job, gets a pension, has had her rent paid by your aunt for the last 3.5 years, and bills paid by your dad before that.”
“What the hell is she spending her money on?!?!”
“No, you shouldn’t pay her rent.”
“She is a grown-a** woman and needs to learn to budget. NTA.” ~ Sweet_Vanilla46
“NTA. You owe her nothing.”
“Take care of your sibling but the reason she’s ‘struggling’ is because that excuse has worked for her thus far.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and she’s taking her shot at you to see if you’ll be her benefactor.”
“If no one helps her, she’ll magically find a way the same as my ex-wife does when I don’t give her extra money when she asks.” ~ unabashed_nuance
“Don’t do it.”
“She has had a long time to figure everything out, she likely just wants to keep living the same lifestyle she did when your father was alive.”
“If you are willing to help, then I’d tell her that you don’t have the funds to pay for two places and she should know because she also works to pay her rent.”
“Gather local information about low-income housing, welfare, food stamps, and groups that help people work through having little money, then send that to her.”
“Tell her that once every two months, you’ll take your brother shopping for some new clothes if you want to help out a bit.”
“I have a feeling if you took her shopping for groceries, she would fill your cart, but maybe just drop off foods that you know they like once in a while.”
“It’s a difficult balance dealing with her, but I get wanting to ensure that she doesn’t hide your brother from you. NTA.” ~ Mechya
“NTA. You may be half-siblings… But he is NOT your responsibility.”
“He is your stepmom’s responsibility.”
“She is working AND getting your dad’s pension.”
“That is f**king enough.”
“IF she is ‘struggling’ she is spending that money somewhere and not on the bills.” ~ Future-Nebula74656
“NTA. You mentioned that she has two sources of income, and you’ve been helping with the child’s current and future expenses.”
“You have no further obligations.” ~ TemptingPenguin369
“NTA, but I’d get ahead of this and talk to your brother directly before she does.”
“He’s old enough to know about this and the provisions set up for his future as well.”
“What’s she done with her wages and your dad’s pension?”
“Can you even be sure she’s providing properly for your brother if she’s somehow hemorrhaging all her money on something else (excessive lifestyle/drugs/gambling?!).”
“Have an open and honest conversation with him.”
“He’s definitely already heard about this through her or has opinions on her spending and will probably surprise you.” ~ mortstheonlyboyineed
“NTA, if you want to still help your brother, put the money in a trust that she can’t access.”
“Give him access when he is of age or other time you feel would be appropriate.”
“Your dad’s ex-wife isn’t your problem.”
“She needs to learn to live within or below her means.”
“Your family has gone above and beyond for her, and she is greedy, It’s time for her to woman up and get her stuff together.” ~ AddressPowerful516
“NTA. You choose how to live your life and what to spend your time and money on.”
“Full stop.”
“All you have to do is be honest with your brother.”
“If she keeps pushing, let her know you might be able to help, but you’ll need access to her accounts first because you want to help with her finances long term, so let’s work together to see where we can cut expenses!”
“She’ll stop real quick.” ~ rougecrayon
“NTA. She is manipulating you, using your love for your brother as a weapon.”
“Since she said that, stop all payments immediately, but put the money aside that you would have spent on your brother.”
“Then when he is 18, you can tell him about it and help him with his future.”
“He will know then that you did not abandon him.” ~ OddGuarantee4061
“NTA. Tell her that if she says this to her brother about you being a bad sister, she will have to start paying for everything related to her brother.”
“Offer to set her up with someone to go over her finances and find out what she needs every month.”
“It’s hard to believe that while receiving a pension and only having utilities to pay, she is hurting for money.”
“She’s using you and your aunt.”
“If she cuts you off from brother then take the money you had been giving her and put it in an account for brother’s college.” ~ wlfwrtr
“NTA. Tell her you can’t afford it.”
“If you can’t check whether she really is struggling, she can’t check your finances.”
“Make up some medical stuff you need to pay for.”
“Let her mooch from her own family.” ~ Leather_Persimmon489
“NTA. She can afford to live comfortably based on your post and commentary.”
“She is a user and manipulator, and you owe her nothing.” ~ Z-Mtn-Man-3394
“Tell her to get a job.”
“Just like you have to provide for yourself, she should have as well. NTA.” ~ hiswife21
OP had some updates and edits to discuss…
“Thank you, everyone, for supporting my decision!”
“I’m overwhelmed by the support I’ve received.”
“I just want to provide a bit more context about the countries involved without going into too much detail.”
“I’m originally from a Middle Eastern country and moved to Europe a couple of years ago to work under better conditions.”
“My brother and his mom still live in my home country.”
“Things have been tough there, just like everywhere else, and she is not the only one struggling.”
“In our culture, families help each other out.”
“However, even though my family loves my brother and has done everything to support him, we feel like she is using us at this point, and I don’t want to give in to her manipulation.”
“My mom was a single parent who worked two jobs to provide me with housing and all my needs until I was able to provide for myself, so her attitude is really frustrating me even more.”
“As some of you suggested, I don’t want to help her with budget planning or finding a new apartment because I’m afraid that if I help her even a little, she’ll keep asking for more.”
“I also think she wants to maintain an expensive lifestyle.”
“She isn’t into drugs or gambling, as far as I know, but she does spend a lot on luxury cosmetics, branded clothes, and even some botox and similar treatments.”
“Regarding taking my brother to live with me, it would be very complicated due to visa processes, but if things get worse, I will do everything in my power to arrange that.”
“I told her that life is tough for everyone.”
“I’m in no position to pay rent, and I’m not going to send her any money from my brother’s account for her rent because he will need it more in the future.”
“It is her responsibility to find somewhere to live within her budget.”
“I also told her I don’t want her to contact me ever again about anything related to this topic, as I don’t believe it is my responsibility to help her.”
“She was shameless enough to say that she didn’t want the full rent, just my share that I ‘had’ to support for my brother’s sake.”
“I will send my brother a text message in a couple of days, letting him know that I love him.”
“I’m always there for him, and he can reach out to me personally whenever he wants.”
“I’m also considering giving him a debit card.”
“She has until the end of this month to leave the current apartment, and I’m waiting to see how things will unfold.”
It sounds like you managed to secure the best option for yourself.
Good for you, OP.
Reddit is with you 100%.
This woman needs to start acting like an adult.
Sorry for the loss of your Dad.
Good luck.