Dad Irate After Wife Purposely Tosses Videos Of His Late Wife That He'd Saved For Daughter

Content Warning: Late wife, late mother, thrown away sentimental items 

When two people start a serious relationship, it can be hard sometimes to face the fact that someone has been in other serious relationships before, especially if they've been married before or have children from past relationships.

But no matter how insecure they feel, they have no right to meddle in their partner's memories of their past relationships, argued the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor Much_Bed_2383 had one daughter with his late wife who was approaching her eighteenth birthday, and for her birthday, he planned to give her all of the videotapes he had that contained her late mother.

When his second wife heard about his plan for the birthday gift, the Original Poster (OP) was alarmed and questioned their future together when she got rid of the tapes.

He asked the sub:

"AITAH for ignoring my wife after she threw away my late wife's videotapes?"

The OP had a difficult time getting over his late wife.

"I am writing this because I don't know what to do. I have a daughter with my late wife, and her name is Eleanore. Her birthday is coming up in two weeks, and she's turning 18."

"My late wife, Cloé, and I had been dating since college. We got older and ended up getting married, and after our wedding, she shared the news with me that she was pregnant, and I was excited that we were expecting our first child."

"Since it was our first child, we bought a video camera and made little tapes and snippets of her whole pregnancy. There were wholesome things, such as us just joking around or having lunch, or talking to our unborn child through the camera. We made a promise to only show Eleanore the tapes on her 18th birthday."

"But when Eleanore was two, Cloé passed away due to a drunk driver crashing into her car as she was coming home from her mother's house."

"I was devastated by her passing and having to raise our two-year-old daughter by myself and went into a deep depression."

"My friends tried to get me to go out again and start back dating, but every time I did, I felt like I was betraying her."

The OP recently shared his plan with his second wife to show the tapes to Eleanore.

"Years later when Eleanore was 13, I met Wendy. We met at a gathering for my sister's birthday and we instantly hit it off."

"She didn't mind that I had a daughter because she had two kids herself and just went through a divorce."

"It's been two years since we got married, and Eleanore's 18th birthday is coming up, and I kept all the tapes for me to show her. Mind you, her mother died when she was just two, so Eleanore doesn't remember her touch or her voice."

"I was excited to show her the tapes, and a week ago, I was talking to Wendy about it, and I noticed her expression going from happy to looking a bit uncomfortable. Wendy would always get uncomfortable when I talk about my late wife."

"I don't say things like, 'Why can't you be like Cloé?' or 'Cloé was only supposed to be my first love,' but I talk about her in a way to give my daughter a mental picture of how her mother was like."

"Wendy has always talked to me about Cloé and how it made her sad that, 'She can never be like her.' I love both women how they are, and I've never had a preference, but I feel like Wendy always had some jealousy towards Cloé."

"I told Wendy that I love her just the way she was and she broke down crying."

Wendy later showed unprecedented interest in the OP's videotapes.

"The next day after that incident, she came up to me and apologized for the way she acted the night before. I told her it was okay and it's good that she felt comfortable to share her feelings, and I gave her a tight hug and a kiss on her forehead."

"She asked to see where the tapes were at, and I showed her the box of videotapes of my late wife in my closet."

"Things were going fine until yesterday morning. I was looking for the tapes because I wanted to put them in a prettier box for my daughter, and when I went to go get them, the box wasn't in my closet."

"I looked everywhere to the point I walked downstairs to see my wife lying on the couch watching TV."

"I asked her about the box, and she told me she threw it away with a neutral expression."

The OP was shocked by what Wendy had done.

"My heart dropped and I asked her what she meant, and she told me that I talked about her too much and that I needed to move on with my life so she threw them away as a 'head start.'"

"I was fuming with anger because not only did she throw away what I had left of my late wife, but she also threw away my daughter's big surprise."

"We quickly got into an argument and she noticed how angry I was, so she started apologizing. It got to the point I started crying and locked myself in our bedroom."

"It's the morning and I'm writing this in my office, going through my computer finding old files or any type of video of my late wife to give it to my daughter, because sometimes my daughter still cries that she never got to 'meet' her mother, and I really thought it would bring her closer to her by giving her these tapes."

The OP wasn't ready to face Wendy after she threw the tapes away.

"I've been ignoring my wife for the past day, and she's been texting me nonstop about how sorry she is, but I really just can't look at her right now."

"It's getting to the point our mutual friends are texting me to accept her apology and get over it since Cloé died over 10 years ago, but I'm trying to ignore them all because they never had someone so close to them die."

"I am working on finding these files and I'm starting to think I was overreacting. I don't know what to do and I really need help."

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some pointed out that this had to be a totally malicious act, not an accident. 

"This terrible woman stole from her husband. From his CHILD."

"My daughter lost her dad way too young. If anyone was to sabotage the remaining connections she has to him, things would get ugly real fast. We weren't even together at the time."

"This is horrific behaviour. And for what?" - Alone_Lingonberry794

"Wendy clearly didn't just make a mistake; she made a conscious decision to erase something irreplaceable, not just for you, but for your daughter, too."

"That kind of betrayal is huge, and honestly, I'd be thinking about whether I could ever trust her again, either. If she can do that, what else might she try to take away in the future? Divorce might be the only way forward if this is how she's showing her true colors." - celestecherries

"This was so evil, I never tell people to go for divorce, but this woman is making my blood boil. Her action is pure evil; she robbed the one gift your daughter has from her mother. This woman has no heart. NONE."

"This is unforgivable. I will never ever forgive a person for that."

"The most evil part is she used your vulnerability to ask you where the tapes are, SO SHE CAN THROW THEM AWAY! She planned this. She is f**king EVIL!" - no_obligation_jk

"It was a very selfish act to pull regarding something important to you and your daughter's past."

"Stay with her and more than likely, you will experience more selfish acts, although likely not as severe. She started that s**t off with next level greed only considering her own feelings."

"Almost makes you think she was testing the waters of how much she has you wrapped." - JR8706

"She was probably counting on OP forgiving her. OP should break up since this type of person will think, 'HAH, I can do anything as long as I apologize!' and keep doing horrible things, especially to his daughter."

"This was not a mistake but carefully premeditated, disgusting behavior."

"Why else would she ask so nicely where the box was and for him to give it to her... That's why it's unforgivable. She has no right, like zero rights to do this. Not in these circumstances nor any other, just no. NO! OP if you are a smart person, divorce this woman, I'm begging you!" - Yani-Madera

Others could not imagine continuing this relationship, married or not.

"Dear Lord, I'm honestly not one to advocate for divorce but I do not think I could continue a relationship with someone who did something so wildly despicable. That isn't jealousy; that's a mental disorder. She stole the only vestiges of your wife that your daughter will have."

"This is not something you come back from or she can apologise for. This is a line in the sand." - Altruistic_You737

"I doubt she's even sorry, just sorry for herself that OP is ignoring her. It was all premeditated."

"I believe this was premeditated given her asking where the box was. She, in essence, just killed your daughter's mother for a second time. Truly nasty and she needs serious mental health assistance."

"Wendy needs a doctor and divorce papers." - justmedoubleb

"This isn't even a mental disorder. This is cruelty. Her terrible behavior doesn't even deserve an excuse. She threw away the only physical memories that this girl would ever have of her mother. ever. Because she's jealous of a ghost."

"OP, get divorced. Leave. For your daughter. Because this will never stop. She isn't sorry. She's sorry you're upset and that you're mad at her. Leave her." - Original-Stretch-464

"NTA. But your new wife is. To act sorry about throwing a tantrum, then using your sympathy and empathy to show her the videos just so she can throw them away out of spite? Especially knowing your plans for them with your daughter?"

"She'd be my ex-wife real soon if I were in your shoes." - gagglebear

"She wouldn't just be my ex-wife, I'd consider her more dead than my actual late wife... This is so cruel and unforgivable... I can't actually believe that his second wife thought this was a good idea... I truly hope he divorces her and just blocks her everywhere... Unacceptable!" - SensitiveMedia2024

After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.

"I didn't expect this to blow up. I came on here to look for general advice and now I have thousands of people talking to me in my DMs. I'm gonna be answering some questions that I'm getting asked about the most."

"I was thinking about asking Wendy about the tapes and where she threw them out at, but I saw a comment that told me not to ask her, because it might give her some time to hide them or lie."

"Instead, when I went back home, I checked in the outside trash cans and the kitchen one, and I still couldn't find them. Trash day isn't until Thursday, so I was confused."

"I finally went up to ask her, and at first, she wasn't gonna tell me. I threatened her with divorce like one you guys said, and she gave in. It turned out she kept the video tapes in her car until trash day arrived because she knew I would look through the trash. So now I have the tapes, thank god."

"Another question asked was, did Eleanore know about the tapes? No, I didn't want to ruin the surprise until I knew that I had a backup. She didn't know about them now and I'm not planning on telling her until her birthday. The only problem is that I'm afraid that Wendy might tell her."

"One more question is people asking if I'm considering divorce. Wendy never did anything like this before and I don't wanna ruin a six-year relationship. But at the same time, I really do think she needs some type of help. I'm considering asking her to go to therapy and I'm really considering our relationship."

"Wendy is really good with my daughter and my daughter loves her and her children like family. I think Wendy is just trying to take Cloé's place with being Eleanore's mother."

"A lot of people also said if I don't divorce her, I will betray my daughter. My daughter is my number one and I think I should find someone better that can respect not only me but my daughter and her mother."

Fellow Redditors were relieved the OP got the tapes back but were still skeptical about his wife and suggested the OP get backups of the tapes.

"I'm so relieved to hear you got the tapes back... But something else to consider OP, once gifted to your daughter, who is to say they won't 'accidentally' get damaged by Wendy or her kids?"

"She's proved that she is willing to destroy important things if she feels threatened. The ONLY reason you got them back is under the threat of something that would directly impact Wendy."

"You need to talk with your daughter and find out if Wendy has said anything negative (if so, how frequently) to her about your late wife. This kind of behaviour doesn't appear out of nowhere… it gradually and subtly escalates." - Fabulous_Analysis_92

"I want to add extra emphasis on her being genuinely dishonest with her apology about the tapes. If she was truly sorry, she would have immediately turned the tapes over, whether there was a threat of divorce or not."

"But instead, she waited until he said 'divorce' to turn them over. Her lack of remorse is abominable. She lied about being sorry just to save herself. What else will she lie to him about?"

"Would this event permanently damage his trust? Will she pull other jealousy episodes later, not just about his deceased spouse, but in regards to other aspects of his life? Those are things he should factor into his decision on whether or not to divorce her."

"And to add, there's a catch to demanding Wendy to get therapy. You can't make someone go to therapy and get help if they don't think they need it or doesn't want that help. Therapy only works with a person who actually wants to get better and is willing to put in the time and effort." - The_Medicated

"If he hadn't threatened divorce, she was still going to go through with throwing out the tapes, even after knowing how upset and hurt OP was! That's so cruel. If she was sorry and really thought she was 'helping' by getting rid of them, she would have folded the minute she saw how much she hurt OP and would have given the tapes back."

"I am so relieved for OP and his daughter that he has them back and I do hope he gets them digitized so he can have backups both physically and virtually." - maegan1116

"Take the tapes to be digitized immediately; that way they are out of the house and away from Wendy. Get multiple copies, if they can give you an e-file, too, then even better. I wouldn't trust Wendy not to try and destroy any copies."

"There was so much awareness of what she was doing. She was manipulative and sneaky to begin with when she asked you to see the tapes; she knew what she was going to do, and lied to gain access to them. She further plotted to hide them from you and knew how you would react, which is why she kept them in her car."

"This is not a good person. This is someone with serious issues, and a very skewed moral compass. I personally wouldn't ever be able to look at that person the same, but that's just me. Only you know what your relationship is."

"I would definitely talk to your daughter about how she views her stepmom, and if there's been any vindictive behaviour your daughter hasn't brought up. My dad is shocked to this day that my sister and I hated my ex-stepmom because we always just tried to keep the peace and didn't wanna ruin his marriage. It might be that she's hiding things." - manonaca

"Very glad you got the tapes back."

"The fact that she knew you'd go through the trash and thus kept them in the car... that's as 'smoking gun' as it gets. That shows that she knew she was overstepping a boundary and you wouldn't be okay with it. It shows she knew you'd be upset and would want the tapes back."

"And she only gave in when she realized she was about to get divorced. EVERY part of this is 100% selfish on her part, she's happy to cause you (and potentially Wendy) lots of pain to satisfy her jealousy."

"As Internet people, we only see what you tell us. That's why Reddit always tells people to break up at the sign of every problem. Because we don't see the good times, we only see the problem that an OP describes."

"But even with that in mind, I think you need to have a serious hard think about your marriage and how much if any TRUST you have in this woman. She was willing to destroy a personal message for your daughter from her dead mom out of jealousy. That's not 'a little jealous' territory that's a serious violation of trust. She tried to destroy something that was truly irreplaceable, a memory of Cloé. She tried to seriously betray your trust and your daughter's."

"My suggestion is to tell her that she needs to stay somewhere else until you decide what, if any, future the marriage holds. Tell her that the only reason you've any sort of decision to make is because she gave the tapes back, if the tapes had been lost you would be divorcing her without question or hesitation. In your family, you don't destroy each other's stuff out of jealousy, especially something irreplaceable like a message from a dead mother."

"That is the action of a jealous and bitter narcissist, not a loving wife and stepmother. So you need space from her while you decide what, if any, future you and her have together. In that time, you strongly encourage her to get some personal therapy to deal with her apparent extreme jealousy of a dead woman."

"I'd also suggest you should tell your daughter everything. Tell her about the tapes, and tell her that your wife tried to throw them away. Tell her that your wife was going to take them to the trash and only gave them back when you threatened divorce."

"Tell her that your trust was broken, that you are considering divorce, and if she doesn't want to see Wendy anymore you'll understand and won't force her to. Tell her you still love Wendy but you're not sure if the Wendy you love really exists, because the Wendy you love would never do such an awful thing especially to Eleanore." - SirEDCaLot

While the subReddit was relieved that the OP got the videotapes of his late wife for his daughter back, they weren't convinced that the issues with Wendy were in the past.

Rather, they questioned if the OP would ever be able to trust his wife again or if this was a relationship worth keeping, given how insecure Wendy seemed to be about her place in the OP and Eleanore's life.

There was plenty of room for love for Wendy and for the OP's late wife, and if Wendy couldn't understand that, she might be better off being with someone who didn't have a prior partner.