People can be very petty when it comes to giving.
This is especially true when money is involved.
That’s why it can be wise to always be clear about what is a gift and what is a loan.
It doesn’t matter if they are friend or family.
These sorts of issues can torpedo relationships.
Redditor Mysterious_Top_810 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my wife’s family move in with us, leading to them demanding repayment of a ‘gift’?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I have always been open about our finances to her family.
“So for Christmas, her stepdad bought her a course to bring in more money.”
“He is well off and we believed this was his way to help.”
“My wife did not ask for this.”
“We decided to start our journey to have a baby and we had open discussions with them about the financial implications for this procedure with us being lesbian.”
“A few months later, we had saved up for our donor and looked at profiles.”
“Around the same time, they had a big fight, and M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] moved in with us.”
“After a few days, she realized that she had to go back to him because in her words ‘cannot have the lifestyle she wants without him.'”
“We supported her decision as it is her decision.”
“A week later they decided to move house.”
“Just before they found another house she called me.”
“She asked if the two of them and their 4 dogs could move in with us for a month, they won’t be able to really contribute, they would be using this period to save up for moving expenses.”
“I told her I would chat to her daughter first.”
“Her mom was aggressive with me over the phone and implied that we had no choice as they have done so much for us in the past.”
“When my wife heard what her mother asked she was upset and called her.”
“The conversation went bad and it came out that they have been keeping a record of everything they have done for us and given us.”
“He was expecting us to pay that course back.”
“We had half the money saved up.”
“So because we do not want to ever owe anyone we paid that money over to them.”
“This broke our hearts because it meant we were back at square 1 with saving for a baby.”
“What happened after this was almost worse.”
“Her mom would come over and speak about how SHE was going to be the one decorating the nursery etc.”
“We haven’t seen them since they moved – we used to spend every weekend doing something together and we would be chatting over the phone.”
“When we do call, she walks out of the room when he comes in.”
“And we heard from my wife’s sister that her mom told her that we manipulated them by saying this money was for our donor whilst we we still just being honest.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“I don’t want contact anymore. AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“A course of what exactly? I[n] V[itro] F[ertilization]?”
“It sounds as though the in-laws are manipulative and controlling.”
“Better off not to have them involved in any part of this.” ~ Sassydr11
OP responded…
“He paid for a certification so that she could have a side hustle.”
“We were well prepared to pay for our own IVF treatment.”
“We really don’t ever want to ask for or take money from someone else.”
“No matter how well off they are.”
“Your money is your money.”
Reddit continued…
“OP a gift is a gift, don’t get in the habit of ‘repaying’ a gift!”
“Unless there is some sort of loan agreement in writing or otherwise, then please ignore their repayment demands. NTA.” ~ Apart_Foundation1702
“This was a gift.”
“Everything was a gift.”
“You should never have given them the course money.”
“The fact that they tracked it so they could pull it out on you later is irrelevant, you never signed promissory notes or contracts nor had verbal agreements to repay because you never thought you were being asked to pay.”
“There was no period of repayment either.”
“These people are manipulative aholes who think they can leverage money to dominate everyone else just the way he uses money to dominate MIL.”
“Cut them out of your lives and move on. NTA.” ~ Special_Lemon1487
“First off NTA and I am sorry this set the IVF back.”
“Secondly, you said he gave your wife the course, and he’s well off, but why would they not be able to contribute to the household expenses while living with you?”
“I respect that you don’t want to owe anyone money, nor do you expect anything that is a huge part of my thought process, too.”
“Bottom line, I wouldn’t accept anything from them, and this can be done in a non-aggressive manner.”
“Not every accusation or lie needs a response or a public response.”
“You can get the truth out when needed in quieter ways.”
“It sounds as if they give not to enjoy giving but with the thought of giving with strings attached.”
“They can move into a short-term rental, but it’s not your problem.”
“Her comments about the nursery were cruel, and that in itself is the reason for going low to no contact.”
“Lastly, save toward your IVF and stay positive, and you will have your own family.”
“You two can do this.” ~ SnooTangerines9807
“Absolutely NTA.”
“So much to unpack here – firstly, finance is never an easy topic of discussion.”
“Secondly, it genuinely sounds to me like your wife’s parents are mostly projecting their issues onto you and your wife.”
“The wife wants to leave him but can’t bring herself to because she enjoys the lifestyle he provides her with.”
“They’ve also offered you help on the surface but demanded that help back when they can’t have complete control over how it’s being used (for whatever reason, shown in the stepdad’s decision to sign your partner up for a course they didn’t ask for).”
“Both of these things clearly indicate that what matters here is appearing to do the right thing rather than actually doing it; it seems their morals become a little shaky under very light scrutiny.”
“Keeping a record of what they’ve helped you with feels incredibly odd to me as if they were always expecting to ask for it back as you say.”
“I’ve only been lucky enough to receive financial help from one person in my life who was a parental figure.”
“I’ve always insisted on paying them back, but it was never an expectation.”
“I think if you are only generous when you’re guaranteed something in return, you’re not generous. You’re good at bartering.”
“I think the most important thing here is for you and your partner to remember that this is not about you.”
“I’d guess if they’re having money issues so bad they need to move out WHILE ALSO only staying together because of money that there is a significant amount of tension in their relationship at the moment that is being taken out on you.”
“Honestly moving forward all you can do is keep prioritizing your relationship, that is the part of this you have control over – not the money, not the actions of her stepdad or his wife but how you process this with the person who means the most to you.”
“I know it’s hard, but if you do it right, it can be such a strengthening experience for you and your relationship.”
“Wishing you the best of luck 🫶🏼.” ~ asbestosarsenic
“NTA. Good people don’t track exactly what they give their kids, and then expect to be paid back when they said it was a gift!”
“That is completely unacceptable, and normally after paying them back, you would have gone low contact.”
“You definitely need to disengage somewhat.”
“Stop confiding in them, since they’re using it against you.”
“They’re spending less time with you, and you see that as bad, but really it’s for the best right now while they’re going through things.”
“Use that time to develop friendships. Stop relying on them so much for companionship.” ~ NapalmAxolotl
“NTA – This is how no contact happens.”
“There is a line and it got crossed here.”
“Them helping out does not come with a value, and gifts are not a value as well.”
“Family, on the other hand, are the AH.” ~ Sensitive_Doubt_2372
“NTA if they expect you to be morally and financially in debt to them over every little thing, the sensible thing is to cut them off.”
“They GIFTED you things, including money.”
“Demanding it back is out of order. “
“I’d tell MIL that at this rate there won’t be any baby because nothing matters more to her than maintaining her own lifestyle.”
“Congrats, she lost her daughter, F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] and future grandchild in one selfish fell swoop.”
“She doesn’t care about her own child, only about getting what she wants.”
“Her partner is only enabling her.”
“Go no contact for both your sanity. You don’t want that kind of toxicity around a baby/child.” ~ I_wanna_be_anemone
“NTA but you just rewarded them for being crazy and expecting you to repay gifts.”
“A hard no would have been much better.”
“’We don’t wanna owe anybody.’”
“You didn’t. But you taught them you are easy to manipulate and will throw away your own dreams and future for nothing.” ~ KoomValleyEternal
“NTA. I would not have repaid them for any gifts.”
“If you want to do a course you should choose the one you want.”
“Not take what they think and then pay for it.”
“They need some boundaries.”
“At the very least I would be keeping them at arm’s length and don’t accept any more ‘gifts.'” ~ Individual_Metal_983
“NTA. Hope they enjoy not having a grandchild now.”
“Maybe they will give you a loan at 10%.”
“Sounds like FIL is overspending on a new house to bribe MIL and got a bit short on funds during the transition.”
“Hence the invasion attempt and clawback.”
“I hope you deducted $100/night for her recent stay.” ~ anonanon-do-do-do
“NTA. Firstly, you’re not at fault here, and I’m sorry this has impacted your IVF plans.”
“Secondly, if your wife’s brother is well-off and provided her with a course, why wouldn’t they be able to contribute to household expenses while staying with you?”
“I respect your desire to avoid debt and not expect anything from others; I share that mindset.”
“Ultimately, you should refuse their offers, and this can be done calmly.”
“Not every lie or accusation needs a public response; you can clarify the truth privately when necessary.”
“It seems they give with expectations attached.”
“They can find a short-term rental; it’s not your responsibility.”
“Her comments about the nursery were hurtful, which is enough reason to limit or cut off contact.”
“Lastly, continue saving for your IVF, stay optimistic, and you’ll have your own family.”
“You both are capable of achieving this.” ~ oHugoBatoca
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. This is not how family treats family.
You and your wife have a lot of other things to worry about.