Although we often feel obliged to help out our siblings no matter how difficult that may be, sometimes the pressures and logistics of our lives make that a very tall order.
One Redditor, who posted their experience on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit, faced that ordeal recently.
The Original Poster (OP), known as Sudden-Complex-6616 on the site, outlined the incident in the title:
“AITA for not letting my sister move in with me after our parents kicked her out?”
OP began with a bit of a family tree.
“I (23-year-old male) have two younger sisters ‘Amanda,’ (17-year-old female) and ‘Hanna,’ (14-year-old female) who still live with our parents.”
“My older brother, ‘Josh,’ (26-year-old male) is in the military. I have lived on my own since going to university and graduating.”
Then came time to discuss his parents.
“Our parents aren’t great people. They’re loving to us, but they verge on white supremacists and are blatantly homophobic.”
“They’re also very Christian, and because of these things, we don’t keep in touch often.”
Recently, OP’s sister laid some news on him.
“About a month ago, I was having lunch with Amanda and she came out to me as lesbian. I told her I was proud of her and asked her if she had told anyone else.”
“She said she didn’t want to tell Hanna because she’s a fair bit younger, and wanted to tell Josh in person.”
“She also said she wanted to tell our parents, but was scared of their reaction.”
OP weighed in, and then faced a request.
“Since this is her last year in school, I advised her to wait until she was an adult with an income before telling them.”
“I pointed out that since they’re very homophobic, she might be kicked out of the house. She asked if, if she told them, she could live with me or Josh.”
For OP, it wasn’t so simple.
“First, no, she can’t live with Josh because he’s in the military.”
“As for me, I gently but firmly said no. I have a limited income, a tiny flat, and I don’t have the money or time to properly care for her.”
“I again advised her to wait until she graduated to tell them. She said that was probably a good idea, and we finished lunch without discussing it further.”
Then came a surprise.
“Last night, I got a call from Amanda, who was at a friend’s house. She said she had decided to tell them because she didn’t want to live like someone she wasn’t and asked if she could stay at mine.”
“I was pissed, but tried to stay calm. I told her that I stood by what I said before and that she can’t live with me.”
Her reaction had OP feeling all kinds of ways.
“She started crying and told me I wasn’t accepting her and that I was just as bad as our parents before hanging up on me.”
“I felt like sh** and a terrible brother but that being said, I had previously told her she couldn’t live with me and she only has another term at school before she graduates and can figure herself out without being completely dependent on our parents.”
“I’m a bit stuck on what to do here, so AITA or am I morally fine?”
As initial responses came in, OP added a couple edits with further details.
“I am not in the US and it’s legal for our parents to kick her out here”
“Comment that I made that explains my situation fairly well (sorry for not being clear in the original post): It’s not just about the small space. I have almost no money.”
“I work the night shift, so I can avoid using lights during the day. I take very short showers to cut down on hot water.”
“I can barely feed myself and most of the time I’m still hungry. I don’t have the means to let Amanda live with me.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors said OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. You said she couldn’t live with you before all of this even started. It’s your house and your rules. You set a boundary, and then she got upset when you wouldn’t budge.” — Anxious_UwUs
“NTA – you warned her that you do not have the funds nor the space – would the place you live even allow a 2nd person to live there?”
“Some people are blaming you for ‘not supporting her,’ but from your writing it reads to me like this just happened and she basically hung up on you.”
“IMO she is a bit of an AH for blasting you as being ‘just like your parents’ when that is not the reason – she is just lashing out under stress, but really not great.”
“From your other responses, it sounds like you are trying to find her some support in the community, hopefully she will take your calls if you find something.” — HKatzOnline
Some advised alternative means of support.
“NTA You told her you couldn’t help her – you can’t give what you don’t have. As much as it sucks that she’s kicked out, it was her decision to come out now instead of wait.”
“Please help her to get in touch with organizations that support LGBTQ+ / queer youth and provide housing so she can finish school” — TiniestGhost
“NTA but this really sucks. Can you offer her other support? Help her get in contact with services that might help? Buy her some groceries? Help her get a job?” — aussietex
“NTA, even though I get your sister’s need to tell the parents. I would also at least try to help her somehow in your place, despite the emotional blackmailing.”
“Can you help her find a place to stay? Maybe with some aunt or uncle? Or if she found a job and could support herself at least partly, would you survive letting her live with you for the final term?” — ijustwanttoaskaq123
Hopefully the feedback can help OP find a way to respond with a solution that keeps both his and his sister’s needs accounted for.