How long a person mourns and how is as individual as snowflakes.
But someone having thoughts or criticisms about another person's mourning process is almost inevitable.
A woman whose mourning didn't match someone else's expectations turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PanickingJess asked:
"AITA for lying to my late fiancé's mom about dating again?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So back in 2021 my fiancé passed away very unexpectedly. We had been together for almost 3 years and our relationship was toxic to say the least."
"When we were good we were great, but when we would fight it was terrible… I did love him though that's why I stayed."
Anyways, so after he passed, his mom who never really liked me no matter how much I kissed her a** would one minute like me and lean on me. Unfortunately then the next she'd send me long messages accusing me of all sorts of stuff and kinda threatening me."
"This went on for about a year, maybe over, after his passing. She eventually stopped."
"One thing she kept accusing me of was dating/already seeing new people BECAUSE my fiancé's best friend and me would text about how we missed him and reminisce on old times together!"
"I was 21 at the time of his passing, then 2 years after his death I met a very sweet guy. I told him I wasn't ready to date yet and we would just be friends."
"We became very close and after a couple of months we began dating. It had at that point been almost 3years since his passing."
"Now I still occasionally see his mom or she calls me. She always makes a point to tell me she couldn't handle if I started dating again and she prayed I wouldn't."
"It's been almost 5 years since his passing, and she thinks I'm still single."
"Even my mom, who watched what all she put me through, told me not to tell her because my mom knows she'll put me through hell for dating again, no matter how much time has passed!"
"I feel terrible for lying to her…. But honestly, I don't wanna tell her cause she really acts as if it would devastate her. I get told by others I'm just protecting her, but I feel like I'm being an a**hole for not telling the truth."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I had a family member tell me I was being an a**hole for not telling my dead fiancé's mother the truth about dating again. I do feel bad about it at times, but I feel like I am keeping the peace too, so it's okay."
"But my family members have brought to my attention that what I'm doing may be considered wrong and one told me I was being an a** for not telling the truth to his mother."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided on their judgment of OP.
Some voted NTA, others YTA, but all agreed that OP needed to cut this woman out of her life.
"YTA to yourself, cause... why not just... block and forget? What do you gain by maintaining contact with this person?" ~ nickelangelo2009
"There's absolutely no reason to have contact with this woman. OP said his mom never liked her. This just seems like a petty way for the mom to continue to make herself miserable." ~ booboo773
"OP's fiancé was toxic and abusive, and so is the MIL (just using MIL to refer to her, I know she's not an in-law). There's zero reason to keep her in OP's life after all of these years, and MIL is just projecting her feelings onto OP."
"It's time for everyone to move on. OP can't hide her actions from MIL forever, and so it's time to be honest with her. If MIL can't accept that, then she needs therapy and to stop harassing OP." ~ numbersthen0987431
"Your fiancé is gone. It is sad, but LIFE MOVES ON. Your fiancé's mother's life may not - but you are too young to waste yours. Five years is more than a respectful time period to grieve and move on."
"Remind her that you won't forget your fiancé, but you deserve a life. If she doesn't agree, time to cut ties." ~ Watchingtheworld71
"There is no reason for the woman to hold space in your life. You're choosing to let her have that. Start choosing yourself." ~ AccomplishedChart873
"NTA. The mother of the deceased bf is a grown woman. You were barely that when he died."
"I would suggest you send a message saying you wish her well, but it's now time for you to move on with your life, and you won't be in contact again."
"Then block her."
"What you do is not her business, and keeping her attached to you is going to stop you moving past this relationship properly." ~ au5000
"What you do is none of her business. She wants you to adopt a Queen Victoria attitude and live your life in a state of perpetual mourning. She can do that herself if she wishes, but it's completely unreasonable for her to expect it of you.
Hopefully all the YTA judgements will give you the boot up the backside you need to stop being a pleaser to somebody who never liked you or wished you well in the first place." ~ WestLondonIsOursFFC
"Expecting you to mourn your ex for the rest of your life just to please her is beyond controlling and you are buying into it."
"You are not tied to this woman anymore. If you being happy devastates her, that speaks volumes about her. Besides, it's no longer her business. Let go of her expectations."
"Go live your life and be happy." ~ Mullein55
"Whenever I read these types of posts, I wonder if you live in a very small town or a rural area where everyone knows each other's business."
"Tell your former fiancé's mom the truth: it's been four years, that you are dating, that you are moving on, and hope that she understands. Then let it go. Block her if you have to."
"YTA for not telling the truth." ~ Ordinary-Audience363
"NTA. You need to go no contact with this woman. She's toxic and clearly unstable. Block her number, change your number, and move on with your life." ~ SigSauerPower320
"No judgment, just quit having any contact with this woman. You said yourself she never liked you so who cares what she thinks at this point, you no longer have any ties to her."
"I'd think she was just bothering you about staying single to make your life worse. Just block her and move on. If you live in a small town and you see her just cross the road or walk past her. She has no claim over your life." ~ Illustrious_March192
"NTA. It's not lying to deprive someone of knowledge that is none of their business. But block her and stop talking to her."
"She sounds toxic and weirdly obsessed with your celibacy. This isn't the 15th century and she's not the head of the local convent, you need a life, block her, move on." ~ Upbeat_Weird_7321
"This woman made your life miserable when your fiancé was alive and you are still allowing her to do so 5 years later, why?"
"You have no connection to her now, you both need to move on from one another." ~ alittlelostsure
"YTA. Your relationship with this woman seems to have run its course. She'll always be his mother, but this person, however beloved to you, doesn't need to be the sole love interest of your life."
"You should get therapy to help you manage what will be complex feelings and also decide whether you want this woman in your life or not. Good luck." ~ TresWhat
"If this was a normal 'ex' and you split up, you wouldn't be in contact with his mum. You'd have all moved on. Because he died, you were there for her, and that tells everyone you're a caring, kind person, but you do seem to have swapped one toxic relationship for another."
"Now it's time to get in with your life fully. You are allowed to do that. You're allowed to date, marry, move away and all of that thing called life without troubling yourself over what ANYONE—let alone the mother of a long-departed ex—thinks about it."
"This is YOUR life. Go get on with it. No assholes here (except the ex's mother)." ~ FabulousTrick8859
"NTA. Why are you still talking to a woman that you yourself said never even liked you, and wants so badly for you to spend the rest of your life without a companion/partner that she literally PRAYS for that to be the case? Block her, cut her off completely, avoid her at all costs." ~ DA-7400
"OP, you don't owe this woman any information about your private life."
"If lying makes you uncomfortable, OP, you could try responding with an innocuous truth: 'For as long as I live, your son will hold a special place in my heart. He was my first love'. If she responds with direct questions, you can say 'I'm not comfortable sharing personal information with you'."
"The next time she says something unkind or manipulative, you can say "I feel for you, but I can't continue to have a relationship with you. Our interactions aren't good for me."
"Then block her. You've long since met your obligation to be kind to this person." ~ EllySPNW
The OP may not know if they're the a**hole or not, but they've been sent a clear message about what they should do.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.