Your birthday is arguably your one guaranteed day a year that you can make all about yourself.
Which makes it kind of ironic that far too many people don’t end up spending their birthday as they, personally, would have planned.
True, many would say these same people should consider themselves lucky, as it means they have friends and family members who are eager to celebrate them and want to throw them a party, either surprise or not.
Unfortunately, more often than not, these same friends and family members never make much of an effort to find out how the birthday celebrant wants to spend their special day.
The girlfriend of Redditor RaisinOwn1989 wanted to throw him a birthday party.
While the original poster (OP) was appreciative of her offer, he felt compelled to decline her offer, as it would conflict with an important annual tradition he had with his aunt.
Unfortunately, the OP’s girlfriend did not take kindly to his saying no, getting so angry that the OP eventually decided to spend his birthday without her.
Concerned that he might have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for excluding my girlfriend from my birthday celebration because of what she said?”
The OP explained why he ended up celebrating his birthday without his girlfriend present:
“I (23 M[ale]) just had my birthday this past Sunday.”
“I celebrated in part by meeting up with my aunt (45 F[emale]) for brunch.”
“My aunt and I share our birthday and have always spent at least part of the day together.”
“It’s a tradition that’s really important to both of us.”
“A couple weeks ago, my girlfriend (23 F) said she wanted to throw me a birthday party, especially since now we have enough fun money to spend on something like that.”
“I said that would be great, but it probably couldn’t be on my birthday-day, since I was meeting my aunt for brunch and then had to go into work early the next day, so an evening party would have to end early too.”
“We then had a long discussion that turned into an argument over having a celebration on the actual day or not.”
“It became clear that she wanted me to reschedule brunch and that was my line.”
“I told her that time with my aunt on our birthday is more important to me than spending it with anyone else (part of her reason for having it that day was that a few friends would be in town then but not the following weekend).”
“I told her part of the reason why it matters, which is that my aunt was a twin and her twin died when they were teenagers.”
“Their birthday was hard for her and then, when I was unexpectedly born on the same day (I was premature), it made the day easier for her to handle.”
“She never put all that on me as a kid, but told me when I was an adult how grateful she was that we were ‘birthday buddies’ and that it had felt like a blessing.”
“My aunt is an amazing lady and I have always loved sharing our birthday.”
“I was even more glad when she told me all of that.”
“When I told this all to my girlfriend though, her first reaction was that it was ‘messed up that your aunt uses you as an emotional crutch and that you’re a grown man who can make his own plans’.’
“I think my feelings must have shown on my face because she tried to backtrack or qualify her statement or whatever, but I wasn’t having it.”
“I told her that there was no need to throw me a birthday party at all.”
“What I ended up doing was having the brunch as planned with just me and my aunt, and then my parents had a cookout with a lot of our family there.”
“I didn’t invite my girlfriend and when I explained why, my family was kind of split.”
“They all agreed that what she said wasn’t nice or true, but some thought that it also wasn’t kind to exclude her from my birthday entirely when it had clearly mattered to her.”
“She and I have hung out both before and after my birthday and there is a tension there.”
“Part of me wants to address it but I also don’t feel bad about what I did, so I don’t know if bringing it up would do much good.”
“Girlfriend and I started dating last December, so it’s been nearly 8 months.”
“The brunch was already planned and we knew what the out of town friends’ schedule would be, but we did try to consider it from every angle before it became clear to me she wanted me to move the brunch.”
‘The cookout was planned after I told her that she didn’t need to plan any birthday party for me.”
“Basically, my mom called asking if I had plans and offered to host a cookout that day.”
“My family has cookouts/get togethers at least twice a month, so they’re very low key, even if there’s a birthday happening, and also my girlfriend had been to several of the cookouts before, so my family was a little surprised she didn’t come.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community wholeheartedly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for excluding his girlfriend from his birthday.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s girlfriend was only thinking of herself and not giving any consideration to how the OP wanted to celebrate his birthday, further agreeing that her remark about his aunt was an unbelievably low blow:
“NTA, that was a power move on her part.”
“She could have planned it at another time. She could have done something simple for the two of you that evening.’
“Part of honoring a person on their birthday is being considerate of what they want. She wanted what she wanted and disregarded your feelings on the one day that should be about you.”
“I hope you find a better partner.”- whatsmypassword73
“NTA.”
“She is right – you are a grown man, and you can make your own plans.”
“And that is exactly what you did – you made plans to have brunch with your aunt.”
“Given what she said and how she treated you about your birthday party, I think I’d have wanted some space from her on that day, too.”- Own_Lack_4526
“NTA.”
“It’s your birthday, which means any plans should be organized according to what fits you best.”
“Given pre-established plans, a party on your actual day of birth didn’t work for you, so your girlfriend should have been flexible and tried to coordinate a better day.”
“She doesn’t get to demand that you reschedule your plans just bc she wanted you to.”
“You know she only said that stuff about your aunt bc she was trying to manipulate you into agreeing with her.”
“If you’re a ‘grown man who can make his own plans’ then why is your gf trying to make your plans for you?”
“She’s doing the same thing she accuses your aunt of doing.”- Valkrhae
“NTA.”
“It was your birthday, and she was making it all about her.”
“And then said nasty things about an important bond with your aunt.”- Flimsy-Car-7926
“NTA.”
“It sounds like your gf would say anything and put anyone down to get what she wants.”
“She did not care that your tradition with your aunt is important to you, she only cared that her party happened how and when she wanted it to.”
“She does not care what you wanted to do on your birthday.”- buttpickles99
“NTA.”
“First you explained to her what you wanted to do with YOUR birthday and she tried to argue with you about it so she can have you do what she want.”
“Which is kinda funny she then mentions you’re a grown man who can do what you want unless it’s not what she wants.”
“But seeing that even before your birthday, there was tension, that’s another reason not to invite her.”
“Why have someone there who will bring tension to your party?”- Apart-Scene-9059
The OP later returned with an update, emphasizing how important his annual brunch with his aunt was and where his relationship currently stood.
“I appreciate that y’all think our birthday buddy tradition is sweet. It has always meant a lot to me.”
“I do want to make it clear that I’m not just doing it to make her happy. It’s something I also look forward to every year.”
“Growing up, my aunt was the cool aunt that all the cousins wanted to hang out with, and I loved this special thing we did (and don’t worry, she does fun/special things with all my cousins and her own kids now, one of our fun/special things just happens to be our birthday.)”
“She has never treated me like a replacement for her twin, and she is in no way the AH in this situation.”
“We’re broken up officially.”
It’s hard not to agree with those who felt that the OP’s girlfriend didn’t so much want to throw him a party, as she wanted to throw a party that her friends could attend.
Thus explaining her almost complete lack of flexibility in scheduling.
For better or worse, at least the OP doesn’t need to worry about this happening again next year.