Your birthday is arguably your one guaranteed day a year that you can make all about yourself.
Which makes it kind of ironic that far too many people don't end up spending their birthday as they, personally, would have planned.
True, many would say these same people should consider themselves lucky, as it means they have friends and family members who are eager to celebrate them and want to throw them a party, either surprise or not.
Unfortunately, more often than not, these same friends and family members never make much of an effort to find out how the birthday celebrant wants to spend their special day.
The girlfriend of Redditor RaisinOwn1989 wanted to throw him a birthday party.
While the original poster (OP) was appreciative of her offer, he felt compelled to decline her offer, as it would conflict with an important annual tradition he had with his aunt.
Unfortunately, the OP's girlfriend did not take kindly to his saying no, getting so angry that the OP eventually decided to spend his birthday without her.
Concerned that he might have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for excluding my girlfriend from my birthday celebration because of what she said?"
The OP explained why he ended up celebrating his birthday without his girlfriend present:
"I (23 M[ale]) just had my birthday this past Sunday."
"I celebrated in part by meeting up with my aunt (45 F[emale]) for brunch."
"My aunt and I share our birthday and have always spent at least part of the day together."
"It's a tradition that's really important to both of us."
"A couple weeks ago, my girlfriend (23 F) said she wanted to throw me a birthday party, especially since now we have enough fun money to spend on something like that."
"I said that would be great, but it probably couldn't be on my birthday-day, since I was meeting my aunt for brunch and then had to go into work early the next day, so an evening party would have to end early too."
"We then had a long discussion that turned into an argument over having a celebration on the actual day or not."
"It became clear that she wanted me to reschedule brunch and that was my line."
"I told her that time with my aunt on our birthday is more important to me than spending it with anyone else (part of her reason for having it that day was that a few friends would be in town then but not the following weekend)."
"I told her part of the reason why it matters, which is that my aunt was a twin and her twin died when they were teenagers."
"Their birthday was hard for her and then, when I was unexpectedly born on the same day (I was premature), it made the day easier for her to handle."
"She never put all that on me as a kid, but told me when I was an adult how grateful she was that we were 'birthday buddies' and that it had felt like a blessing."
"My aunt is an amazing lady and I have always loved sharing our birthday."
"I was even more glad when she told me all of that."
"When I told this all to my girlfriend though, her first reaction was that it was 'messed up that your aunt uses you as an emotional crutch and that you're a grown man who can make his own plans'.'
"I think my feelings must have shown on my face because she tried to backtrack or qualify her statement or whatever, but I wasn't having it."
"I told her that there was no need to throw me a birthday party at all."
"What I ended up doing was having the brunch as planned with just me and my aunt, and then my parents had a cookout with a lot of our family there."
"I didn't invite my girlfriend and when I explained why, my family was kind of split."
"They all agreed that what she said wasn't nice or true, but some thought that it also wasn't kind to exclude her from my birthday entirely when it had clearly mattered to her."
"She and I have hung out both before and after my birthday and there is a tension there."
"Part of me wants to address it but I also don't feel bad about what I did, so I don't know if bringing it up would do much good."
"Girlfriend and I started dating last December, so it's been nearly 8 months."
"The brunch was already planned and we knew what the out of town friends' schedule would be, but we did try to consider it from every angle before it became clear to me she wanted me to move the brunch."
'The cookout was planned after I told her that she didn't need to plan any birthday party for me."
"Basically, my mom called asking if I had plans and offered to host a cookout that day."
"My family has cookouts/get togethers at least twice a month, so they're very low key, even if there's a birthday happening, and also my girlfriend had been to several of the cookouts before, so my family was a little surprised she didn't come."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community wholeheartedly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for excluding his girlfriend from his birthday.
Everyone agreed that the OP's girlfriend was only thinking of herself and not giving any consideration to how the OP wanted to celebrate his birthday, further agreeing that her remark about his aunt was an unbelievably low blow:
"NTA, that was a power move on her part."
"She could have planned it at another time. She could have done something simple for the two of you that evening.'
"Part of honoring a person on their birthday is being considerate of what they want. She wanted what she wanted and disregarded your feelings on the one day that should be about you."
"I hope you find a better partner."- whatsmypassword73
"NTA."
"She is right - you are a grown man, and you can make your own plans."
"And that is exactly what you did - you made plans to have brunch with your aunt."
"Given what she said and how she treated you about your birthday party, I think I'd have wanted some space from her on that day, too."- Own_Lack_4526
"NTA."
"It's your birthday, which means any plans should be organized according to what fits you best."
"Given pre-established plans, a party on your actual day of birth didn't work for you, so your girlfriend should have been flexible and tried to coordinate a better day."
"She doesn't get to demand that you reschedule your plans just bc she wanted you to."
"You know she only said that stuff about your aunt bc she was trying to manipulate you into agreeing with her."
"If you're a 'grown man who can make his own plans' then why is your gf trying to make your plans for you?"
"She's doing the same thing she accuses your aunt of doing."- Valkrhae
"NTA."
"It was your birthday, and she was making it all about her."
"And then said nasty things about an important bond with your aunt."- Flimsy-Car-7926
"NTA."
"It sounds like your gf would say anything and put anyone down to get what she wants."
"She did not care that your tradition with your aunt is important to you, she only cared that her party happened how and when she wanted it to."
"She does not care what you wanted to do on your birthday."- buttpickles99
"NTA."
"First you explained to her what you wanted to do with YOUR birthday and she tried to argue with you about it so she can have you do what she want."
"Which is kinda funny she then mentions you're a grown man who can do what you want unless it's not what she wants."
"But seeing that even before your birthday, there was tension, that's another reason not to invite her."
"Why have someone there who will bring tension to your party?"- Apart-Scene-9059
The OP later returned with an update, emphasizing how important his annual brunch with his aunt was and where his relationship currently stood.
"I appreciate that y'all think our birthday buddy tradition is sweet. It has always meant a lot to me."
"I do want to make it clear that I'm not just doing it to make her happy. It's something I also look forward to every year."
"Growing up, my aunt was the cool aunt that all the cousins wanted to hang out with, and I loved this special thing we did (and don't worry, she does fun/special things with all my cousins and her own kids now, one of our fun/special things just happens to be our birthday.)"
"She has never treated me like a replacement for her twin, and she is in no way the AH in this situation."
"We're broken up officially."
It's hard not to agree with those who felt that the OP's girlfriend didn't so much want to throw him a party, as she wanted to throw a party that her friends could attend.
Thus explaining her almost complete lack of flexibility in scheduling.
For better or worse, at least the OP doesn't need to worry about this happening again next year.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp